Willie Handler's Blog, page 15

An Interview With Author and Columnist Tabatha Southey

[image error]My bookclub doesn’t always choose a fiction book to read and discuss. One of those instances was over the summer when the selection was COLLECTED TARTS AND OTHER INDELICACIES by Tabatha Southey. I got to meet Tabatha one muggy evening  in July when she joined the bookclub to discuss her book and career over wine and other treats.

Tabatha is smart, funny and opinionated, so I thought I would ask her for an interview, which she accepted without reservation. For those who are unfamiliar with Tabatha, she is a widely successful Canadian columnist with ten National Magazine Award nominations. She is truly a gifted writer who has appeared in Elle Canada, Maclean’s, The Globe and Mail, National Post, The Walrus and Explore Magazine.  She has also written three books. Her latest, COLLECTED TARTS AND OTHER INDELICACIES, is a compilation of some of her finest columns. The book covers a range of topics from the struggles of having an unusually handsome prime minister to the dystopic future under Donald Trump.

 

1. Tell me a little about your background and how you became interested in writing.

I was never very good at school. I’m learning disabled, one aspect of my particular disability being that I have almost completely unreadable handwriting. This made school depressing, much as I loved learning things. I won the Science Fair, but failed Science. I quite often got grades in the heavy negatives, because points were deducted for spelling. I just wanted to be left alone to read, and left school young. I did go to university, armed with a computer and the accommodations offered learning disabled students, a 21 as a mature student, but I never really charted a career course. I was pushed into writing a few years later, after my children were born, when some very lovely people started telling me to put what I was saying down on paper.

2. Tell my readers a little about your book, COLLECTED TARTS AND OTHER DELICACIES.

COLLECTED TARTS AND OTHER DELICACIES is a collection of my humour writing for magazines and newspapers. It tells a bit of a story, my story, as a whole, I think.

3. We both write a fair amount of humour. Do you believe you can develop humour writing skills or is it something you are hard-wired to do?

I think you can hone what you have evolved but you can’t learn to be funny. Humour is unquestionably a bit of a survival mechanism, but I would add that, when I think of the people I have encountered who don’t have a sense of humour, the one thing they seem to have in common is a lack of genuine empathy. I think to be funny you have to be able to feel how things, and you, look to other people to be funny.

4. Who are your favourite funny people and what about them do you like?

On rainy days my older brother and I would listen to records. My parents had the British comedy duo, Flanders and Swann. To this day Flanders and Swann lines pop into my head. Later I loved Monty Python, who remain the best. I find too many people funny to list them, am blessed to know a lot of very funny people, funny-for-a-living or funny-to-keep-living, but always what they have in common is that they’re smart. Good comedy needs to be smart, and not “smart pretending to be dumb,” as in “What’s the deal with this thing I have not actually thought about that might be confusing, alarming and alien to my audience but that if presented with proper detail and context would be a lot harder to turn into a cheap joke.”

Confirmation bias humour isn’t actually funny.

5. Who are your inspirations in the literary world and beyond?

I tend not to read a lot of humour, although David Sedaris is a genius and everyone should read him. I read widely, a fair bit of non-fiction, an awful lot of news. Dogs make me laugh. Sometimes cats, but mostly dogs.

6. In one of your columns included in your book you knocked jazz fans. What is it you have against jazz fans? Don’t you think Canadians should be more tolerant and inclusive when it comes to jazz?

No. And part of what I have against jazz, other than it being jazzy, is that it has become the default music of “good taste.” Jazz has become the default music that people go to when classical seems to high-brow and anything else too common. It has become brunch music, and not even jazz deserves that.

7. If you were to rewrite Swiss Family Robinson to make it more boring, what changes would you make?

Nothing, I know when I’m beat.. It’s dullness perfected. There’s more excitement in one line of my tax returns than in 323 pages of the Swiss Family Robinson’s alleged peril. I’ve done some boring things in my time but none of them hold a candle to an adventure story with pages of candle-making and no cannibalism. Swiss Family Robinson groundbreaking in the field of boring.

8. If you had the opportunity to share a drink or two with Ivanka Trump, what would you say to her?

I would decline. We need to stop pretending this, any if this, is normal. That is a woman who, for the rest of her life, should drink alone.

9. There has so much talk about fake news from misinformation to dissenting opinions. What are we to make of all this and how does the public deal with it?

There is a lot of fake news but we have never been better equipped to fact check. Don’t share, even if it feels true, especially if it feels true, until you have checked it out. Also, pay for real news, damn it. Creating real news is very expensive and paying for it a moral obligation, like voting.

10. Is there anything different you would like to try in the future?

I would like to write a history book.

11. Where can we find you online?

I am on Twitter at @TabathaSouthey a fair amount of the time.

Tabatha’s book is available on Amazon and Chapters/Indigo. And your read her columns in Maclean’s.

The Sex Pill

“Male Support Corp,” said the female voice over the phone. “How can I help you?”

“Umm, well I bought some of your sex pills and they don’t work,” was my reply.

“Was that the Stay Hard pills or the Max Hard pills?”

The Max Hard.”

“Those are our top-selling product. We’ve never had a complaint before.”

“Yes, I know,” I said. “So, I guess I’m your first complaint.”

“So, what was the problem? Did you not get large enough or did you not last long enough?”

“Just that nothing happened.”

“So, you’re saying you stayed the same size?”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“Our product is very effective, but it can’t compensate for anxiety or other psychological conditions or certain medication that might interfere with Max Hard.”

“That wasn’t the case with me. The pills just don’t work.”

“Sir, if you send me a photo of your nonfunctioning equipment, I can have our product manager take a look. Just take a photo with you phone and I can give you our email address.”

“I’m not going to be sending you a photo.”

“Well how are we going to verify that Max Hard did not work?”

“I’m telling you it didn’t work.”

“Yes, I know, which is why I’m asking for photographic verification. That’s how we process complaints. And as we advertise, you will be eligible for a full refund once we have confirmation.”

“All right. What’s your email address?”

“gina@malesupport.co”

“Okay, I’ve sent you a photo.”

“Just one moment while I open my email.”

“Sure.”

“Sir, that appears to be a photo of an ingrown hair.”

“What? No, no. That’s my thing.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What do you mean?”

“Our product isn’t going to be able to help that. Did you have an accident at some point?”

“No! I didn’t have an accident. Who’s laughing in the background?”

“Some of the other call center staff are examining your photo. Dana is trying zoom in to get a better look.”

“Wait. No, I don’t want you to share that photo.”

“Are you married, sir?”

“Yes, I am. Why?”

“We are going to refund you your money. And we’re going to send your wife a complimentary box of assorted dildos.”

How I Wound Up Writing A Novel About Mars

The inspiration to write a science fiction novel set on Mars didn’t come from a song, film or dream. I never intended on writing this book. I was going to write a story about post-Brexit Britain. I had even been researching different English dialects.

To be honest, LOVED MARS, HATED THE FOOD started out as a gag that spun into a novel.

It began in the spring of 2016. I had decided to take a creative writing course on humour at the University of Toronto. The course was taught by Terry Fallis, a multiple winner of the Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal for Humour, one of the oldest literary awards in Canada. I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to learn from a great Canadian humourist.

On the first evening, Terry asked everyone to introduce themselves and describe their writing experience. People who know me well, will know that I’m rarely serious. It eventually got around to me. Umm, I must have made a mistake registering online,” I said with a deadpan face. “Maybe I reversed a couple of numbers. I’m supposed to be in a science fiction writing course.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said the instructor. “You are welcome to stay.”

Of course there was no science fiction writing course. The university offers almost no genre specific courses.

“Well, I’m here so I guess I’ll stay and see if I can straighten this out before next week. Maybe I can give my aliens funny names I can make it a humourous sci-fi story,” I said, shrugging.

I participated throughout the evening. I even wrote a story about the types of Toronto drivers that Terry read to the class.

The next week I reappeared. Terry looked up and said, “Oh, you’re back.”

“Yeah, the science fiction course is full. I’m on a waiting list.”

For several weeks this continued. I wrote some hilarious stories in class, but no one caught on. Then one week we were to write a story that included physical comedy. I decided to write about the opening of the first Starbucks on Mars. in the story the Martians had an unusual reaction to caffeine.

I was asked to read it in front of the class. I got a great reaction. Then someone asked whether the story was from the novel I was working on.

I broke out in a big grin. “I’m not working on science fiction novel. I writing a political satire. I was just joking about the sci-fi stuff.” You should have seen the look on everyone’s face.

At the break, Terry came up to me. He thought the story was really funny and suggested that I consider turning it into a novel.

And there you have it. A novel was born. The short story I wrote for the class was incorporated into Chapter 23 of my novel.

 

Donald Trump Tweet Generator

It’s quite a burden for Donald Trump to be managing his own Twitter account with all his other responsibilities. It doesn’t seem to be something he comfortable delegating to staff. I have a solution. I have spent hours and hours going over Trump tweets and created a number of algorithms using patterns that I’ve observed.

Using the check lists below, Trump can choose the content of his tweets and then hand it over to someone else for posting. The process takes seconds.

Please make a selection from each section.

_____ is ruining this country.

THE FAKE MEDIA
Putin
Cute-looking Justin Trudeau
Mueller
Criminal Hillary
Ivanka

 

I promise you he/she/they ________.

should be locked up
is quite good looking
IS HORRIBLE
lies all the time
will be fired
will get a White House invite

 

I will ask Congress to _______.

shut down the rigged witch hunt
FUND MY WALL
ban the fake media
protect my star on the walk of fame
indict Hillary, Obama and Biden
start planning the Trump monument

 

The dumbest person on the planet is ________.

Colin Kaepernick
LeBron James
CNN’s Bob Lemon
HUD Secretary Ben Carson
Omarosa
Donald Jr.

 

America is the greatest country because ________.

the people elected me
we’re tough on crime, immigrants and our allies
Nazis are free to speak their mind
of the 2nd amendment
even mentally unstable people can become president
Ivanka is hot.

 

I want to be clear ____________.

foreigners are stealing our jobs and money
THERE WAS NO COLLUSION
no one reads the failing N.Y. Times
I have never even met this Stormy Daniels
only guns and the Republican party will keep America safe
I will win in 2020

 

 

A Trained Monkey Could Do That Job

We’ve all heard the expression, a trained monkey could do that job. But no one is really being serious when they say it.

So, I was surprised to read last month that Rogers Communication was hiring monkeys to work in some of their stores on a trial basis. I thought to myself to what lengths will those tech companies go just to save a few bucks?

A few days ago, I dropped into my local Rogers store to exchange my cable box for an upgraded unit. There was a short line in front of the counter and I took my place at the end. I looked over at the counter and realized there was a monkey sitting on a stool, serving the customers.

A woman was having a heated argument with the monkey. She had a cellphone in her hand and was waving it around. Suddenly, the monkey grabbed it out of her hand and threw it against the wall. The enraged woman ran over to pick it up and scurried out of the store.

Maybe I should leave and go to another store. But I was already here. Who knows what that woman said to upset the monkey. The next person, an older gentleman, stepped up to the counter.

“How can I help you?” I overheard the monkey ask.

“I was told by customer service over the phone to come to a store and pick up an Internet modem,” replied the man.

“I can help you with that,” said the monkey. “What is your phone number, so I can look up your account on our system.”

“5-5-5-7-3-2-4-4-5-2”

“I’m looking at your account right now,”  said the monkey, “and your aren’t eligible for a modem. You don’t have an Internet account with us.”

“That’s ridiculous,” replied the man, glaring at the monkey. “I’m a Rogers customer.”

“Sir, do not use that tone with me,” shrieked the monkey who grabbed a stapler off the desk and hurled it at the man, hitting him on the shoulder.

The man stomped to the door, but before exiting he spun around and announced, “I am through as a Rogers customer!”

I was next in line. Reluctantly, I approached the counter.

“How can I help you?” asked the monkey.

“I’ve bought a new Ultra HD TV and would like to upgrade my cable box,” I explained, placing my old box on the counter.

The monkey smiled as he picked up the box to examine it. “I can help you with that,” he said. “What is your phone number, so I can look up your account on our system.”

“5-5-5-2-9-2-6-4-5-3”

“Just one moment while I wait for the system to load your information.” The monkey strummed his fingers on the countertop while he waited. “Alright, I have your account information now. Yes, I see I can exchange your old box for an Ultra box.”

I was relieved that there was none of the drama that I observed earlier. “Thanks,” I said.

“I’ll run to the back and get a box from our inventory,” said the monkey, hopping off his stool. “I’ll be right back.”

The monkey scampered out of the showroom and about two minutes later he returned with a new box under his arm. He climbed back onto his stool, placing the box on the counter. “I just need to take down the serial number of the box and add it to your account.”

“That’s great,” I said. “I’m looking forward to using the new box.”

“There’s just one more thing,” said the monkey. He jumped onto the counter and sat on the cable box. “Did you bring me a banana?”

“No, I didn’t.”

The monkey crossed his arms against his chest. “You can’t have the box without a banana.”

“I would have brought a banana,” I said, “if I’d known that a monkey was working here.”

“I don’t really care what you know or don’t know,” he replied. “I’m out here all day, slaving away. All I ask for is a couple of bananas to get me through the day.”

“How about giving me the box and later in the day, when I’m passing by, I’ll bring you a whole bunch?”

He shoved his hairy face in mine. “How stupid do I look? You’re not coming back.”

I grabbed the monkey by the neck, shaking him up and down. He shrieked, “Let me go! Let me go!”

So, I did. I tossed him across the store and he slammed into a cell phone display case. I picked up the cable box and ran for the door. As I was about to exit, he jumped on my back. His arms were wrapped around my face, blocking my vision. I ran into the closed door and we both fell to the floor. When I got back on my feet, I realized the monkey was unconscious. I gathered up my box and left the store.

The next time someone tries to tell you a trained monkey could do that job. You tell them about the Rogers monkey.

 

My Thoughts on Being Canadian

Canada turns 151 today.

Today brings to an end our sesquicentennial, which was a big umm….yawn. Because we aren’t terribly nationalistic. Let’s face it, Canadian history is boring. And we’re fine with that. We’re proud of our country, but don’t feel the need to tell the rest of the world. Newcomers are always made to feel welcome.

We try to be polite, make compromises and not make too make noise. There are few things that get Canadians passionate or patriotic beyond men and women on skates wearing a red maple leaf on their chest.

The reason we are what we are comes down to our history. Our country wasn’t created through a rebellion, war or series of violent acts. No one put their life on the line to see Canada become a reality. A bunch of white-haired men negotiated our independence. Let’s sit down and talk. Come to a compromise. That’s the Canadian way.

Our country continues to be strong because we continue to use those same principles. Sure, we sometimes become polarized. We have crime and violence. We have poverty and have treated indigenous people horribly. But we try to work it out.

On Canada Day, we don’t gush  about how great we are. It’s a day to hold a family BBQ, to enjoy our very short summer and to reflect on how good it feels to live here.

How to Uber Around Town and Survive to Tell About It

Just got back from visiting Nashville, a fun place to go to. We ubered everywhere because downtown Nashville is not a place you want to drive around.

Did you ever wonder how Uber screens their drivers? I think about it every time I’m riding in an Uber vehicle.

Are you new to the city?  Yes.

Is your vehicle at least 9 years old and filthy?  Yes.

Can you read road signs, Google maps, street addresses?  No.

Are you visually-impaired?  Yes.

Do you either talk incessantly or just grunt when spoken to?  Yes.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE HIRED!

Nothing more entertaining than following the exploits of an Uber driver trying to find your location on your Uber app. Look she just passed us for the 4th time. Now she’s going around the block again.

It’s not easy finding a hotel that only uses 30-foot lettering on its sign.

The driver finally stops a half-mile away and decides this is now the meeting place. You’ve got 5 minutes to get your ass over there before he takes off and dings your account with a $5 charge.

It’s quite an accomplishment to finally hook up with your ride. You climb in and buckle up. As she pulls away, you notice that you’re bouncing around in your seat. It feels like the seat is on a giant spring. You better pray she doesn’t brake suddenly because you and the seat will be flung 25 feet in the air.

You try to sit back and relax because even if the driver has never been to where you are going, they have an app that navigates him to your destination. You glance over to the driver and realize he is looking down on his phone which is balancing on his lap while carooming down the highway at 65 mph. That’s when you volunteer to give directions.

It used to be that there was no need to tip Uber drivers. Now you get an email at the end of the trip asking if you would like to tip. Drivers have learned that if they are engaging and chatty, they will earn a bigger tip. So, some drivers won’t shut up. By the end of your 17-minute ride, you will find out about their family history, their work history, the local weather last winter, the best place to buy electronics, who threw up in the backseat last night.

Meanwhile, the phone drops off the driver’s lap. He reaches down to pick it up and the car crashes into a light pole. Thank God, the airbags work. The best part is that the driver is unconscious and has stopped talking.

 

 

Why I Write

Unlike other writers, I didn’t have a passion to write at a young age. I wanted to play right wing for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I didn’t write my first novel at 12. I was 62 when I published THE ROAD AHEAD. In fact, I wasn’t a very good writer when I was younger, though I was a dedicated reader. But as you evolve as a person, things obviously change.

I don’t dream about a hockey career anymore. My current passion is to travel and author books. I know there are probably millions of books written each year and every story has been told many times. But I still want to write. It’s not that I’m bored and looking for something to do. This is just the next career path I’ve chosen.

What is my motivation? A good question. It’s not fame or fortune. That’s as likely to happen as playing for the Maple Leafs. I decided to write down a list of reasons for why I write.

I have fun stories in my head that I want to tell and characters who people will enjoy getting to know.
It’s a great way to explore the world around me. Writing is like a journey in which you don’t quite know when and how it will end.
It’s the right career path or me at this time of my life. I don’t want to retire.
Writing is a career that you are totally in control. It is entirely in my own hands.
I feel as though I’m contributing to the world in a positive way.
I wish to add to my legacy in a way that is much different than what I’ve accomplished in the past.
Writing is very challenging and I love to be challenged.
I’m learning new things every day.
It expands my mind in a way that other activities could not possible match.
Writing has opened the door to meeting some very interesting and creative people. I’ve established new relationships and friendships.
Writers are a cool bunch of people to hang out with.
Unlike many other activities or professions, writing is open to any age,  gender, race, or culture.
I love the feedback you get from readers – good and bad.
Writing humor provides reader with an opportunity to escape reality and laugh a little.
There’s so much satisfaction from writing a great line.
I can’t draw, paint or sing.
I write because I’m inspired and I want to inspire.
Writing provides me with the opportunity to comment on the human experience in a unique way.
Words are powerful. I enjoy this type of power.
I admire other writers. I want to be like them.
Writing gives me an excuse to drink more coffee.
I can write anywhere, any time.
I love the reaction when I tell people I write.
Writing can be cathartic and empowering.
I can’t believe I got to 25!

If you are a writer, feel free to add to this list in the comment section. I would love to hear from you.

Are You Sure You Want To Be On Facebook?

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Back in 2003, Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg was more interested in rating female Harvard students online than starting a social phenomena. But it didn’t take long for those funding Facebook to realize its potential.

Let’s be straight here, everyone knows nothing is free. Facebook provides you access to their social networking platform in exchange for your personal information. You agreed to this. Do you remember clicking “I agree” to their Terms and Conditions (T&Cs)? Probably not. Did you read the T&Cs? I would bet you didn’t. It’s 87,000 words. The length of an average novel. If you had read it, I doubt you would have ever clicked on “I agree.”

Facebook hasn’t lied to you, they haven’t kept anything hidden from you. In fact they have been totally honest with you. The fact that you failed to read the T&Cs isn’t their fault. This is part of the T&C: “Apps, websites and third-party integrations on or using our Services. When you use third-party apps, websites or other services that use, or are integrated with, our Services, they may receive information about what you post or share.”

Facebook’s revenue stream is dependent on selling your personal information – how old you are, where you live, your interests, where you like to travel, how you spend your money, and even your political beliefs. Your profile is full of valuable data. If you list that you enjoy tennis, don’t be surprised to find ads popping up from tennis equipment suppliers.

Those lame surveys that you like to fill out. You know the ones – to rate how smart you are, your knowledge of 80s music, etc. They claim no one ever gets 100% (but everyone does). They are designed to extract even more data about you. Let’s just say you indicate on one of those surveys you like to donate money to certain charities. Guess what happens next. You get targeted by those types of charities. You indicate you prefer curling up with a good book over going to a bar and you’ll be targeted by book retailers.

It’s not just the surveys and apps. Every post you make has information about you that someone out there is potentially interested in. You check in at the Rogers Centre for a Blue Jays game and post a couple of selfies. Rogers even provides you with free wifi at the game to encourage you to post on your timeline. Then they purchase all the data from people at the game. All with your consent and cooperation.

So let me get to Cambridge Analytica. They used a particular quiz app to gather the data that they wanted. Cambridge Analytica’s quiz asked people lots of questions about their beliefs and values – but heavily disguised as a fun quiz. The data that they gathered was influential in the way the Trump Presidential team got its campaign message across to the American electorate – or, at least, certain sections of the American electorate. Voters got bombarded with fake news and other biased information to try to influence they way they voted. That’s right, Facebook facilitated undermining democratic elections around the world.

The point of this post, is not to get you to delete your Facebook account, although some people are deciding to do so. But be aware how Facebook works and how to minimize the personal information you hand over to them. Maybe you don’t want to let Facebook know when you were borned or your location. The less you provide, the better you protect yourself. Because Facebook will survive this scandal and continue to make money off your personal information. That’s the business they’ve been in for nearly 15 years.

 

 

 

 

There Are Tax Advantages To Being an Indie Writer

This is not tax advice and I’m not a tax or accounting professional, but I do know that there are things that writers can do to reduce their taxes. I’m only familiar with the Canadian tax system but I’m sure there are lots of analogous rules in other countries.

As a writer, I’m self-employed. That means I can take advantage of deductions that were not available to me when I was employed. I group them into 3 categories.

Business expenses

Your income from book sales and royalties can be reduced by business expenses. What do I include under business expenses?

Office expenses: paper, printer toner cartridges, mailing costs, bank fees, internet , accounting fees, a new laptop (amortized over 3 years), and any other expenses related to your business.
Marketing expenses: cost of my website, cost of going to bookfairs, bookmarks and other giveaways, posters, online ads, and costs related to a book launch (eg., I gave out some nibbles).
 Writing and publishing costs: editing printing, shipping, cover design, purchasing ISBN numbers (free in Canada).

Home office expenses

I maintain a home office, so I am allowed to claim a portion of costs related to maintaining my home as a business expense. There are eight rooms in my house and my office occupies one of those rooms. So I claim 1/8 of the following costs.

Mortgage interest
Property taxes
Property insurance
Utilities (electricity, heating, water)

Car expenses

This is a tricky one in Canada. The Canadian Revenue Agency expects you to maintain a log separating out your personal and business car use. If you are audited they will expect to see your travel log.

What I do is record all my business travel monthly including the date, where I went and how far I traveled. I look at my odometer at the start of the month and the end of the month and calculate how much combined travel I did. Then I add up all the business travel.

At the end of the year I will have a total for all combined travel and business travel. I calculate what proportion of my total mileage was business travel (eg., 22%). I apply that number against all my car expenses. For example 22% of gas would be business related. You can included.

Gas costs
Maintenance and repairs
Interest on car loans.
Depreciation of your car

I published my first book in 2016. My expense exceeded my revenue by a considerable margin, which means I had a business loss. I was able to apply my business loss against other income to reduce my taxes. My tax refund was significant.

If you don’t have any other income to apply the business loss against, your loss can be applied to past years and future years.

The rules outside of Canada will differ so you need to check with someone knowledgeable in tax rules. It’s important to keep all receipts, including utilities, property tax bills, etc. I use spreadsheets to keep track of everything.

You don’t make a lot of money selling books so use the tax rules to improve your financial position. And good luck!