Willie Handler's Blog, page 17
October 22, 2017
Who’s That Indie Author? Willie Handler
I was recently interviewed by the wonderful Barb Vitelli.
Author name: Willie Handler
Genre: Humor
Book: The Road Ahead
Bio: Willie Handler grew up in Toronto and did his undergraduate work at the University of Toronto. He also has graduate degrees from the Schulich School of Business at York University in Toronto and the Fox School of Business at Temple University in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He spent over thirty years in various positions in the Ontario public service. before leaving in 2011. He has a number of humorous short stories published online on CommuterLit and Show Me the Funny, as well as many articles published in professional trade journals. THE ROAD AHEAD is his first novel. Willie is currently working on funny story about a chef stranded on Mars who is rescued by two Martians.
Favorite thing about being a writer: I was a technical writer for much of my work career. Three…
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October 14, 2017
Preview of My Next Book
A Dummies Guide to Running for President
Qualifications:
There aren’t a lot of qualifications to becoming President of the United States. It’s not like you are applying for something like CEO of Apple or Amazon. You have to make sure you are at least 35 years old and a natural born United States citizen. You must also have lived in America for 14 years to run for President.
Do not rely on your birth certificate as proof of citizenship. Government documents can be forged. Interview your parents regarding your birthplace and birthdate. Ask lots of questions. For example, if both your parents are Asian and you are Caucasian, it should raise some suspicion. It’s highly recommended that a polygraph test be employed to confirm they’re telling the truth.
Your #1 Priority:
There is a misconception that you need years of public service and a clearly defined policy platform to be a serious presidential candidate. Nonsense!
Neither will help you become the next president. Your years of service and policy positions will be used against you by your opponents and could potentially confuse voters.
So, what should you concentrate on? Your look.
You want to be the best-looking and tallest candidate in the field. There’s nothing like flashing a great smile or the ability to tower over you opponents to impress voters.
You’ll need a couple of nice suits and tie (red or blue) for your more important conventions and meetings. Then, when you’re meeting with regular folk, you’ll need to a pair of beige khakis and a long-sleeved, white, button-down shirt. You can keep the cuff links in your drawer; you’ll be rolling your sleeves up anyway.
Getting back to the smile. Your smile is so important. It needs to convey confidence, compassion and vitality all at the same time. If your teeth aren’t perfect (most people’s teeth aren’t) then make an appointment with a cosmetic dentist to discuss whitening and/or capping.
Finally, you need to work on your body language. Whether you believe what you’re saying or not, you need to deliver it in a convincing way. You don’t want your body undermining what’s coming out of your mouth.
You can try a few things to practice. Stand in front of your spouse and tell her that you have been having an affair (whether it’s true or not). You should be smiling and relaxed even though your spouse is hysterical and throwing things. If you can pull it off, you’re ready to deal with hostile reporters and hecklers and to debate your opponents.
Money:
You are going to need lots and lots of money. How much? Somewhere between $1 to $3 billion.
Don’t get excited. Even if you were a billionaire, you would be a fool to spend your own money. There are so many people out there more than willing to give you their hard-earned bucks to help you become president. You’re probably wondering why people would open their wallets up for you.
That’s because you’re going to make all kinds of promises. When pharmaceutical companies send their lobbyists to ask you to oppose lower drug prices, you’re going to say sure. You’ll see that the following week, there’s going to be a cheque in the mail. The oil companies are going to try to convince you that global warming is a hoax. You’re going to respond with “what’s global warming?” Before you know it, you’re campaign war chest is going to be bursting.
October 12, 2017
How to Write a Book
I’m sharing this post by my critique partner Karen because much of it reflects my own experience – the writing process, building confidence, the Twitter writing community.
I have discovered the best tip for writing a book. The only tip you will ever need to write an awesome novel. You may ask yourself, just one? Yep, just one. Ready? Here it comes:
Write it.
Crazy, right? It’s way harder than it sounds. It’s going to take a lot of time and effort and creative energy and rewrites and rejection and edits and rewrites and joy and frustration and… did I mention rewrites? Sometimes you’ll wonder what you’re doing. You’ll feel like a hack. Like an amateur. But the only way to get better is to keep practicing.
I wrote the story that came to me knowing very little about how to pen a novel, and for many years, I kept my writing to myself. I made a ton of mistakes (revealing a major plot point in the first act IN A FLASHBACK? Girl…) I did entire overhauls…
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September 26, 2017
Book Review: Fifteen Dogs by André Alexis
What w[image error]ould happen of dogs acquired the power of human thought? That is premise of André Alexis’s 2015 novel, Fifteen Dogs. A couple of Greek gods, Apollo and Hermes, are out on the town in Toronto when they decide to have a wager. Apollo bets that any group of animals given human consciousness would be even more unhappy than humans are. Hermes accepts on condition that if, at the end of its life, even one of the animals is happy, then he will win. Accordingly, the gods find a collection of 15 dogs awaiting treatment in a local veterinary clinic, then radically alter their minds and observe what ensues.
This new knowledge quickly alienates the dogs. Human awareness doesn’t fit in well into dog packs because it engenders independence and a notion of self-importance among the dogs. A pack also needed a hierarchy where every dog knows its place. The dogs befall ill fortune and tragedies so that it looks as if Apollo may win out, though nothing is certain. In some cases, it is difficult to determine whether a particular dog died happy.
Fifteen Dogs was the winner of the 2015 Scotiabank Giller Prize and the 2015 Rogers Writers’ Trust Fiction Prize. Alexis’ novel’s strength is on an allegorical level. You immediately notice how similar Fifteen Dogs is to Animal Farm. But Fifteen Dogs is not about politics but about human consciousness and emotions such as happiness, and love. Like Orwell’s novel, we learn a lot about human nature but imposing human intelligence and consciousness on animals.
September 25, 2017
WOTS Felt Different This Year
The Word On The Street is a free outdoor festival, held in several Canadian cities including Toronto, that celebrates the written word and champions literacy.
The Word On The Street was first held in Toronto in 1990. Until 2003, the festival was on a section of Queen Street West in downtown Toronto. In 2004, the festival moved to Queen’s Park and in 2015 the festival moved again to Harbourfront Centre.
It’s grown considerably over the past 28 years. I always enjoyed walking around and meeting different authors. Although, it has become more commercial, it’s still free and outdoors.
This year was different. I was there for the first time as an author. I was set up at a booth with 4 other indie authors in a section reserved for my kind. While there were huge crowds around the booths housing major publishing houses, our indie section had much less traffic. Engaging readers is fun but it becomes tedious after several hours in temperatures that reached 30C by early afternoon. I sold some books but I never got to stroll around the festival as a reader. I missed that part.
Such is the life of an indie author. Pitching your work, one reader at a time.
September 21, 2017
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
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…when I’m 64.
It was 50 years when The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, one of the greatest rock albums ever recorded. When I’m 64 was written by Paul McCartney years earlier when he was just 16. I was 14 when the album was released and the song immediately became one of my favourites on the album. I was intrigued by the song, which is about aging. Back in 1967, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be 64.
Because of the song, 64 became a milestone birthday for me. I needed to find out what it meant to be 64. The months and weeks leading up to my birthday were quite difficult. There were health crises in the family. A few unexpected deaths among friends. My own health issues. I had professional decisions to make as well.
So what does it feel like to be 64? Pretty good. As in the song, I’ve lost much of my hair but not my faculties. I’m in a very strong marriage. I still get get valentines, birthday greetings, bottles of wine. I play an important role within the family. I am still active professional but under my terms. I get to travel more than ever. This past summer we were in Europe and next spring we will do a cruise through the Panama Canal. And I’ve become a writer. I have one novel released and well on the way to releasing a second one.
Writing has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. The freedom to use one’s imagination and put it all down on paper to share with others is both exhilarating and humbling. Technology has allowed indie writers to get their work to the public without the assistance of large publishing companies. The most difficult part of writing is the discipline necessary to see it through to the end. Fighting off self-doubt and distractions is a constant challenge. Whether you sell 100 books or 10,000, you’re still an author. The feeling is still the same.
I have now have the question asked in the song: Will you still need me, will you still feed me When I’m sixty-four? The answer is Yes.
September 6, 2017
First Draft Done, Now Comes The Hard Part
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On June 10, 2016, I first sat down at my laptop and began writing a story. It was about a chef who is stranded on Mars and rescued by two Martians. A totally silly premise but I had a story to tell. Fifteen months later and here I am with a completed first draft of LOVED MARS, HATED THE FOOD.
When I completed the first draft of THE ROAD AHEAD, I was elated. No, make that giddy. This time not so giddy, maybe just elated. Completing draft #1 is an significant milestone. You’ve got your story down on paper, which is quite an accomplishment. But I naively thought, back in the days of THE ROAD AHEAD, that I was nearly done.
WRONG. Draft #1 is garbage. Draft #1 has plot holes big enough to drive a Martian rover through. Draft #1 has pages of lifeless prose that could put you in a coma for a decade. Draft #1 neither shows or tells, it runs amok spilling manure on your oriental rugs. Draft #1 has grammar that will make you nostalgic for Grade 3. What I’m trying to say is that finishing Draft #1 is a big deal but it’s just a step in a long drawn-out process.
There will be many more drafts to come. Editing is a nightmare. It can kill your soul. It can make you wake up in the middle of the night weeping. But it’s a necessary evil. When I edit, it’s much different than many writers. They often need to cut thousands of words from the manuscript. That’s a painful thing to do. Not me. I don’t write from an outline. I’m what one might call a pure pantser. My story is being developed as I write it. Because I’m so focused on getting the story down, I don’t pay enough attention to character development, plot arc, verb tense, etc. Therefore when I’m editing, I’m adding, not deleting. But it’s still a difficult process. It’s also when you finally begin to share your manuscript with others. That’s like when you first leave your baby with a babysitter. You finally discover the meaning of WORRY.
I’m happy to finally type those two words “THE END” but the celebration is short. It’s just another milestone on a long road. Hope to see you when I get there.
#amwriting
August 28, 2017
Weekly Update
It’s been some time since I last posted a “weekly” update. July was a very productive month but I’ve had little time to write this month. Between my trip to Europe, a consulting assignment and some family matters, I’ve been very busy. But I have only two chapters to write still. It might happen this week but competing interests may again get in the way. It will only be a matter of time. Writing a novel like running a marathon.
In four weeks, it will be the Word on the Street Festival at Harbourfront. I will be appearing at the festival with the Writers’ Community of York Region’s table. If you come down for the day, please drop by and say hello.
August 26, 2017
Autocorrected Famous Sayings
Autocorrect speeds up texting and typing. But we’ve all been frustrated or embarrassed when our device has inserted the wrong word. I’ve collected some well-known autocorrected sayings.
A bitch in time saves wine.
Where’s the brief?
May the workforce be with you.
A fool and his monkey are soon pasted.
It’s finger lickin goo
Life is two shorts.
Four s’mores and seven beers ago.
Love is never having to say you’re sore.
I ain’t afraid of no toast.
The penis mightier than the sword.
I’m going to mate him an otter he can’t reuse.
A snitch intertwined saves limes.
Took the wood right out of my mouth.
Money talks and Bullwinkle walks.
Two thongs don’t make it tight.
One giant creep for mankind.
and finally…Let’s Make America Gripe Again.
August 23, 2017
When you take up (or keep on) writing later in life
I released my first novel on my 63rd birthday last year and like to think I have many years of writing ahead of me. I came across this blog post and thought I would share it.
Image: Pixabay
It’s never too late to put a pen to paper and these famous writers are proof of that. Some have enjoyed long careers and continue to write books well into their eighties and nineties and beyond (think Herman Wouk). Others have become authors later in life. What do you think they all have in common? Probably a need to get their story out and for that, you don’t have to be young. In fact, being older can be a great advantage.
Read below and see what I mean:
John Barth – American novelist and professor. Currently 87, has been writing fiction since 1956 and has won many awards. Wrote Lost in the Funhouse and Chimera. Collected Stories was published in 2015.
Charles Bukowski was a German-American writer. He tried writing, was minimally successful, wound up working in a post office until he quit and wrote Post Office
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