Willie Handler's Blog, page 11
December 1, 2020
TWAS THE RESTORATION PERIOD BEFORE CHRISTMAS…
Twas the restoration period before Christmas, when under the roof,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Poof.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended by hooks on the wall,
In anticipation that visitation from St Nicholas would befall.
The offspring were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of bousou spread danced in their heads.
And Seepa with her dangly bracelets, Bleeker in his cap,
Had just settled their cerebrums for a long Martian nap.
When out in the laneway there arose such a dissonance,
I tripped over the bed to see what was outside the residence.
I stumbled to the entrance though I intended to march,
Threw open the latches and stooped under the arch.
The glow from the lighting on fallen red dust,
Gave lustre to objects corroded by rust.
When to my optical sensory organs should appear an apparition,
A miniature transporter, and eight tiny Blue Martians.
With a little Red operator, so lively and thick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
Rapid as sling competitors his diminutive helpers came,
And he relied on telepathy as he addressed them by name!
“Now, Steeto! now, Prinko! now, Deela and Prakin!
On, Cooma! On, Breema! on, Gonomo and Ranen!
To the top of the dwelling! to the top of the wall!
Now scurry away! Scurry away! Scurry away all!”
As crystalline particles that before wild dust storms fly,
When they meet with an impediment, ascending to the sky,
So up to the structure-top the miniature aides flew,
Transporter glowing like a ngono, and St Nicholas too.
And then I heard them above us, so full of glee,
The waddling, stomping and shuffling of each little tootsie.
As I retracted my cranium, and spun around to see,
Through the rear passage, St. Nicholas leaping to me.
He was dressed in shimmering garments, including his feet,
And he accessorized with flashy stones, his outfit complete.
A bundle of gifts was carried by his Blue assistants,
And he looked like an important being, at least from a distance.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his ears non-existent!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose quite insistent!
His coppery skin had so many wrinkles,
And the top of his cranium was hairless, without even sprinkles.
He clenched between his incisors a medical device,
From the look on his face, he bought it at bargain price.
His visage was wider than it was high for a reason,
His abdominal region made me think it was basketball season!
He was plump for a Martian, a multigenerational gnome,
And I laughed when I saw him, nothing like St. Nick back home!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon led me to know I had nothing to dread.
He transferred no thoughts, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the hosiery, then looked at me with a smirk.
And laying his finger in front of his face,
And giving a nod, disappeared with no trace!
He boarded his transporter, to his squad gave a sign,
And away they all flew toward the next shrine.
But my mind picked up a thought, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!
September 21, 2020
The Ten Tips For Writing A Great Short Story
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Not every writer has the passion and time to write a novel. Or maybe you do write novels but want to try something different. Writing short stories might be for you. Short stories are in demand by magazines, newspapers, blogs, and anthologies. Many of these publications pay authors for short stories. In fact, you can earn more money per word writing short stories than you can publishing a novel.
So how do you go about writing a short story that will be accepted by a publication or website? Here are my top ten tips for writing a great short story.
1. Understand that a short story is not the same as a novel.
I’ve written different types of pieces, from technical documents to novels and even short stories. They aren’t the same, but they do share some common characteristics. They need to be coherent, grammatically correct, and have proper spelling. And no matter the length, they need to tell a story. When writing a novel, the author decides the length of the book. But writers are likely going to be given a word limit for short story submission. So, they need to be able to tell a complete story within the word limit provided. Still, a short story works on a smaller scale to a novel, but it will, in some sense, almost always have these elements: inciting incident, rising action (progressive complications), climax, and falling action.
2. Write a catchy opening
The opening line or paragraph is critical to ensure that a reader keeps reading the story. A novelist often has the first chapter to hook the reader, but a short story writer has far less time. Go ahead and make the plot obvious. Some writers lay out their story on the first page of their story.
A fast pace is also essential for short stories. Normally, the pace increases as the hero approaches the final conflict. Since a short story starts close to the final conflict, it needs to hit the ground running and catapult the reader headlong into the action from page one.
Example:
“I couldn’t believe it when I heard that Keith Cavernaugh got murdered last night.”
Fred almost dropped his rake. “I hadn’t heard,” he said.
3. Start as close the end as possible
Newspaper articles include the entirety of the story as close to the opening of the article as possible. Why? Because giving a reader the details is one way to let them know whether they want to read on.
Short story writers do this as well. Pay them up front by starting near the end. Then they don’t have to wonder whether the payoff is coming and whether it’s adequate. Get the reader right into the unfolding story. Bypass the “before” and “also related” and “this vaguely interesting thing is also true of my character’s life” snapshots.
4. Keep the number of characters small
A short story only needs three characters – a protagonist, antagonist, and what is referred to as a wrench or relationship character. This isn’t a hard rule but one to keep aware of. A short story can have as few as one character. In the Tom Hanks film Cast Away, the main character is alone for most of the movie. A great example of how you can build a story with just a single character, excluding the volleyball.
It’s difficult to properly develop a larger number of characters in a short story and hard for a reader to keep track of them. The reader needs someone to root for, someone to hate and some stories can require a character who can advance the character arc for either the protagonist or antagonist.
Voice is as important as the characters. The voice sets the emotional tone of the story and often reveals the personality of the point of view character. It’s true for all fiction, but especially in a short story where you have only a moment to capture the reader’s interest.
5. Give the reader someone to root for
Again, every story needs a protagonist. The trick is to make the reader care about that character. There are a few techniques to strengthen the connection between your protagonist and the reader. Give your main character a passion, hopefully something shared by the reader. Give the character a weakness, one that is only shared with the reader.
A glimpse into the character’s psyche really draws in a reader. Give the character determination that brings them out of their comfort zone. Finally, make your character feel real to the reader.
6. Conflict!
Every short story needs to have a single point of conflict. As a rule, no more than one is required for a short story.
The character has a dilemma, a revelation, or faces a decision of some kind. Around that conflict should be a good dose of tension. Conflict and tension keep readers engage or invested in your story.
Kurt Vonnegut suggests that writers should be sadists. Make bad things happen to your main characters to show readers what they are made of. A short story can never have too much tension.
7. Suggest a backstory but don’t elaborate
You don’t have the space to provide a character’s backstory. So, if in doubt at all, leave it out. Every sentence must count. If even one word seems extraneous, it has to go.
Even though you may not describe much of the backstory on paper, you need to have it worked out in your head. The author needs to understand a character’s motivation to write a compelling story.
Instead, draw in your readers with tension, appealing to their senses and tight dialogue. When a writer gets to the editing stary, they will need to make some tough decisions regarding the backstory.
8. Appeal to the five senses
Use words to transport readers into your story by appealing to their senses and imagination. Experienced writers understand this concept – show, don’t tell. The dense fog engulfs your character and she can no longer make out the path through the woods. The smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen pulls him from his sleep. The fan blades thwack the air and keep her from drifting to sleep.
9. Dialogue should bring your story to life
Don’t spend too much time setting scenes because a short story needs to come to a relatively quick conclusion. Good dialogue can make the characters and a story come to life.
When putting characters in a scene, give them something to do – like washing dishes. But then focus on dialogue to advance the story and set up conflict.
There’s no better way to build drama than through tight dialogue. I always try to read my dialogue out loud. If it doesn’t feel real or seems out of character, that’s a problem.
Example:
“Come quick! Jack is trapped in the mineshaft.”
“I can’t help rescue Jack. I’m claustrophobic.”
“That mineshaft floods in wet weather. If this storm breaks, Jack will drown.”
10. Edit until it hurts
No matter how good a writer thinks their story is, it can be made shorter, tighter and more compelling. To be a good writer, one needs to be a ruthless editor. Think about combining characters. Delete transitory scenes and get right to the meat of the story. Show, don’t tell. Get rid of repetitive words, and unnecessary adverbs and adjectives. Make every sentence count.
———-
Essentially, when writing a short story, a writer should limit their plot lines, the number characters, the amount of backstory provided, and conflict to just one event. As with all things, practice makes perfect. With these short story writing tips in mind, write a 500 to a 1,000-word story every month. Once you get the hang of it, try to churn one out every two weeks, and then every week, and then every day. Soon, you’ll be able to create short stories with ease, and you’ll be training yourself to write consistently. Just don’t forget to edit!
Ten Tips To Help You Write A Short Story
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Not every writer has the passion and time to write a novel. Or maybe you do write novels but want to try something different. Writing short stories might be for you. Short stories are in demand by magazines, newspapers, blogs, and anthologies. Many of these publications pay authors for short stories. In fact, you can earn more money per word writing short stores than you can publishing a novel.
So how do you go about writing a short story that will be accepted by a publication or website? Here are my top ten tips in writing a great short story.
1. Understand that a short story is not the same as a novel.
I’ve written different types of pieces, from technical documents to novel and even short stories. They aren’t the same, but they do share some common characteristics. They need to be coherent, grammatically correct, and have proper spelling. And no matter the length, they need to tell a story. When writing a novel, the author decides the length of the book. But writers are likely going to be given a word limit for short story submission. So, they need to be able to tell a complete story within the word limit provided. Still, a short story works on a smaller scale to a novel, but it will, in some sense, almost always have these elements: inciting incident, rising action (progressive complications), climax, and falling action.
2. A catchy opening
The opening line or paragraph is critical to ensure that a reader keeps reading the story. A novelist often has the first chapter to hook the reader, but a short story writer has far less time. Go ahead and make the plot obvious. Some writers lay out their story on the first page of their story. I also believe a fast pace is essential for short stories. Normally, the pace increases as the hero approaches the final conflict. Since a short story starts close to the final conflict, it needs to hit the ground running and catapult the reader headlong into the action from page one.
3. Start as close the end as possible
Newspaper articles include the entirety of the story as close to the opening of the article as possible. Why? Because giving a reader the details is one way to let them know whether they want to read on.
Short story writers do this as well. Pay them up front by starting near the end. Then they don’t have to wonder whether the payoff is coming and whether it’s adequate. Get the reader right into the unfolding story. Bypass the “before” and “also related” and “this vaguely interesting thing is also true of my character’s life” snapshots.
4. Keep the number of characters small
A short story only needs three characters – a protagonist, antagonist, and what is referred to as a wrench or relationship character. This isn’t a hard rule but one to keep aware of. A short story can have as few as one character. It’s difficult to properly develop a larger number of characters in a short story and hard for a reader to keep track of them. The reader needs someone to root for, someone to hate and some stories can require a character who can advance the character arc for either the protagonist or antagonist.
Voice is as important as the characters. The voice sets the emotional tone of the story and often reveals the personality of the point of view character. It’s true for all fiction, but especially in a short story where you have only a moment to capture the reader’s interest.
5. Give reader someone to root for
As I’ve already mentioned, every story needs a protagonist. The trick is to make the reader care about that character. There are a few techniques to strengthen the connection between your protagonist and the reader. Give your main character a passion, hopefully something shared by the reader. Give the character a weakness, one that is only shared with the reader. A glimpse into the character’s psyche really draws in a reader. Give the character determination that brings them out of their comfort zone. Finally, make your character feel real to the reader.
6. Conflict!
Every short story needs to have a single point of conflict. As a rule, no more than one is required for a short story. The character has a dilemma, a revelation, faces a decision of some kind. Around that conflict should be a good dose of tension. Conflict and tension keep readers engage or invested in your story. Kurt Vonnegut suggests that writers should be sadists. Make bad things happen to your main characters to show readers what they are made of. A short story can never have too much tension.
7. Suggest a backstory but don’t elaborate
You don’t have the space to provide a character’s backstory. So, if in doubt at all, leave it out. Every sentence must count. If even one word seems extraneous, it has to go. Instead, draw in your readers with tension, appealing to their senses and tight dialogue. When a writer gets to the editing stary, they will need to make some tough decisions regarding the backstory.
8. Appeal to the five senses
Use words to transport readers into your story by appealing to their senses and imagination. Experienced writers understand this concept – show, don’t tell. The dense fog engulfs your character and she can no longer make out the path through the woods. The smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen pulls him from his sleep. The fan blades thwack the air and keep her from drifting to sleep.
9. Dialogue should bring your story to life
Don’t spend too much time setting scenes because a short story needs to come to a relatively quick conclusion. Good dialogue can make the characters and a story come to life. So, when putting characters in a scene, give them something to do – like washing dishes. But then focus on dialogue to advance the story and set up conflict. There’s no better way to build drama than through tight dialogue. I always try to read my dialogue out loud. If it doesn’t feel real or seems out of character, that’s a problem.
10. Edit until it hurts
No matter how good a writer thinks their story is, it can be made shorter, tighter and more compelling. To be a good writer, one needs to be a ruthless editor. Get rid of unneeded or repetitive words. Make every sentence count. This is the time to look at the backstory and decide how much of it is critical to the story. Remember, just because short stories are short, that doesn’t make them easier to write.
———-
Essentially, when writing a short story, a writer should limit their plot lines, the number characters, the amount of backstory provided, and conflict to just one event. As with all things, practice makes perfect. With these short story writing tips in mind, write a 500 to a 1,000-word story every month. Once you get the hang of it, try to churn one out every two weeks, and then every week, and then every day. Soon, you’ll be able to create short stories with ease, and you’ll be training yourself to write consistently. Just don’t forget to edit!
August 22, 2020
A Glossary Of Terms You Will Need In 2020
The 2020 pandemic has changed the way we live and work. It has also introduced new terminology. To help you navigate through the pandemic vocabulary, I’ve come up with a glossary of terms.
Pandemic
A rapid transmission of a disease that has spread across several countries and continents and affects a large proportion of the global population.A cover for a plan to implant trackable microchips and that the Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates is behind it.An event that allows introverts to never leave their homes or see anyone.
Shelter in place
A mandate by government authorities to remain at home except for essential business, such as buying groceries or seeking medical care and the significant contributor to divorce and the 2021 baby boom.
Quarantine
14 days during which you don’t have to deal with your spouse or children.
Social distancing
It is the limit that people will tolerate you approaching them when you haven’t showered in six weeks.
Herd immunity
When enough people ignore medical experts and scientists so that there are no dumb people left in a region to pass the virus on to.
Drive-by
2020 popularized a long-time tradition on how one eliminates rivals and snitches. In the past you would slowly drive past your target with a couple of buddies and blow them away with and AP pistol or similar weapon. Today a drive-by is usually referring to a birthday party or anniversary. Cars will slowly drive past the person(s) celebrating and toss gifts out an open window.
Home schooling
The biggest contributor to alcoholism in 2020 has been home schooling. It’s a known fact that the most popular school supplies are boxes of colored pencils and boxes of wine. Unlike the pencils, the wine only comes in red, white and pink.
Online learning
Your cover for playing video games all day online.
Zoom
Zoom is a cloud-based video conferencing service that is used by introverts to fool others into thinking they are being social. You can easily identify them because either their camera isn’t working or they are using a background instead of video image of themselves.
Day drinking
The ideal solution to long days of home schooling and three-hour work Zoom meetings. It’s not like you’re going to be getting behind the wheel.
Curbside service
Prior to 2020, curbside service was how one purchased sex and drugs. Buyers cruised streets looking for people with goods and services to sell. In 2020, everyone is providing curbside service. I’ve bought everything from tequila to tomatoes (and umm, sex and drugs) without leaving my car.
Pandemic haircut
This has become the largest cause of marital break ups in 2020. They are can easily be identified because they will refuse to remove their hat even when indoors.
Flatten the curve
It’s a pretty rare occurrence, which is fortunate because it can lead to social rejection. It refers to someone who lost weight during the pandemic quarantine.
Essential worker
Amazon drivers, liquor store workers drug dealers and sex workers.
Social bubble
Any group of people that can stand spending time together for the entire 2020.
Karen
A woman (or man on occasion) who screams about freedom and oxygen levels, thinks the Earth is flat, and has a trailer full of toilet paper.
Tested negative
The results of POTUS’ most recent cognitive test.
Florida sunshine
The bright lights in a Miami hospital ICU.
August 10, 2020
Dedicated To Toronto Maple Leaf Fans And Haters
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[sung to American Pie]
A long long time ago
I can still remember how
That hockey used to make me smile
And I knew if they had a chance
That they could make Leaf fans dance
And maybe they’d be happy for a while
But every April made me shiver
When TSN would deliver
Bad news on Sportsnet
I’d have to turn off the TV set
I can’t remember if there was ranting
When I heard about the latest Leaf pasting
Something touched me deep inside
The day the Leafs died
So
Bye, bye to the Maple Leafs
Rode the subway to the arena but the arena was empty
And them good ole Leafs were lined up at the first tee
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Leafs died
This’ll be the day the Leafs died
Did you see the 67 Cup parade?
And did you have faith in Keon’s blade?
If the Hockey News tells you so?
Do you believe in Punch Imlach?
Can the Bower save you from your funk?
And can you teach me how to take a wrist shot?
Well, I know that you were in love with Stanley
‘Cause I saw you wearin’ his jersey
You both skate with wobbly knees
Man, I dig those stay at home D’
I was a lonely teenage hockey fan
Bought a scalpers ticket from the back of a van
There I was sitting in the stands
The day the Leafs died
I started singin’
Bye, bye to the Maple Leafs
Rode the subway to the arena but the arena was empty
And them good ole Leafs were lined up at the first tee
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Leafs died
This’ll be the day the Leafs died
Now, for ten years we’ve been waiting for more
And Harold Ballard is running the store
But, that’s not how it used to be
When the Sittler sang for Harold and Clancy
In a coat he borrowed from Lanny
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh and while Ballard was looking pleased
Sittler tore off his historic “C”
Imlach looked around for some buyers
So Sittler was sent to the Flyers
And while Ballard and Imlach were cleaning house
The rest of the team practiced in the dark
And the sports scribes began to bark
The day the Leafs died
We were singin’
Bye, bye to the Maple Leafs
Rode the subway to the arena but the arena was empty
And them good ole Leafs were lined up at the first tee
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Leafs died
This’ll be the day the Leafs died
Coaches and manager came and left
If they made the playoffs it was all in jest
Finally we finished last
We landed a kid named Wendel Clark
He was good at using his fists
And landing pretty big hits
Eventually we had the big Swede and Dougie
And who can forget Curtis our new goalie
We all got up to do the wave
Oh, but we still wouldn’t be saved
‘Cause the league was going in another direction
The Maple Leafs refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Leafs died?
We were singin’
Bye, bye to the Maple Leafs
Rode the subway to the arena but the arena was empty
And them good ole Leafs were lined up at the first tee
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Leafs died
This’ll be the day the Leafs died
Oh, and there we were now in the ACC
Another failed team to make the scene
So we just began to rebuild again
So come on Shanahan lets hear your plan
Shanny brought in Lou and some Dapper Dan
‘Cause cleaning house was all you could do
Oh as I watched Dubas mold the team
My hands were clenched and I wanted to scream
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Ballard’s spell
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Ballard laughing with delight
The day the Leafs died
He was singin’
Bye, bye to the Maple Leafs
Rode the subway to the arena but the arena was empty
And them good ole Leafs were lined up at the first tee
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Leafs died
This’ll be the day the Leafs died
I ran into an ex-captain who sang the blues
And I asked him for some happy news
But he just scowled and turned away
I went down to visit Real Sports
To see if they carried jerseys from years before
But the man there said he didn’t know who they were
And in the streets the old timers screamed
The young fans cried, and the fools dreamed
Not one wise word was spoken
The team was still broken
And the three players I admire most
Keon, Sittler and Bower’s ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the Leafs died
And they were singing
Bye, bye to the Maple Leafs
Rode the subway to the arena but the arena was empty
And them good ole Leafs were lined up at the first tee
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Leafs died
This’ll be the day the Leafs died
August 5, 2020
I Don’t Mind That You Choose Not To Wear A Mask If…
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Hey, I don’t really mind that you choose not to wear a mask. I get that you want the right to choose for yourself. I’m pleased that you are ready to stand up for human rights and are opposed to all forms of totalitarianism.
So, in the same spirit of individual liberty and freedom, I’m sure you won’t mind if I choose drive myself home after a long evening of drinking. I think you’ll agree that it’s a small price to pay to keep the government from controlling what we do. I’m an excellent driver with a very clean driving history.
On the way home, I may get the urge to pee. My bladder doesn’t hold as much as it used to. I’ll just pull over and relieve myself on a lawn. How is it that really different than a neighbourhood dog peeing outside? If it happens to be your property, I’m sure you’ll understand. Besides, I saw a YouTube video that said it’s good for your garden.
While we’re on the topic of driving, I’m really annoyed by red lights and stop signs. They stretch out the length of every trip. If I’m running late, I would like to make them optional. And speed limits too. I’m sure you would agree that we don’t need so many rules especially not for the silly reason of keeping strangers safe. I should be able to choose how to drive. After all, it’s my car and if I total it then so be it.
I’ve begun cigar smoking in public places. I’m tired of being treated like a criminal because I enjoy an occasional cigar. I know several doctors who suggest second hand smoke presents no hazard. I’m sure you would agree.
I plan on having a big neighbourhood BBQ on the next long weekend. You’re invited. I’ll be grilling chicken. I understand that you’re probably used to having your chicken cooked to 165 degrees. Now I saw a meme on Facebook that indicates 100 degrees is just fine and I agree with it. Those so-called experts are just being overly cautious. I’m sure you don’t want to encroach on my beliefs. Some of you may get sick, but almost everyone survives food poisoning. For those who don’t, well they must not have a strong constitution and it’ll be like culling the head.
July 22, 2020
Twitter Update
If you aren’t a Twitter follower, here are some of my more popular tweets.
I’m staring at my pantry which is bursting with boxes of Fruit Loops and Frosted Mini Wheats. Just maybe I directed my early pandemic shopping on the wrong items.
Have you tried quarantine coffee yet? It’s similar to regular coffee. It’s 3 parts tequila and…I think that’s it. Just 3 parts tequila. No coffee necessary.
I don’t be leave it’s necessary to poof red my tweets.
My Jewish mom: Sigh
Me: What’s wrong mom?
Mom: You look so good in a surgical mask.
Me: So, what’s with the sigh?
Mom: I’m just imagining how much better you would look if you were a doctor wearing the mask.
Wife: I’m worried about you.
Me: Why? *while pouring vodka on my cereal and in my coffee*
I’ve been drinking to much while stuck at home so I decided to cut back. I now have just one glass of whiskey before bed. Last night I went to bed six times.
This morning I thought I had come down with COVID-19. Turns out I had accidentally made decaf coffee.
Last night we watched a news program where a woman kills her husband. I noticed my wife was taking notes. Should I be worried?
I’ve recently started virtual yoga classes through my gym. Right now my favourite position is holding a bag of potato chips while sitting cross-legged in the floor.
Want to know what living dangerously is all about? I just spread some cream cheese on a bagel with a best before date of March 26, 2020.
July 19, 2020
2020 – So Far, So Good
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I thought I would recap the first half of 2020 – the year dedicated to Satan! I’m sure everyone can relate to this inspirational six months.
January
The year started off splendidly. So full of promise and adventure. So, we thought. Shortly after New Year, we left for a cruise around South America and to Antarctica. A truly bucket list destination. Part of the cruise involved flying from the southern tip of South America onto Antarctica on a Chilean air force plane. But several days before we were to leave, we were informed that a similar flight had crashed onto Antarctica and that our flight had been cancelled. That set an ominous tone to the trip.
Other than some bad weather, the cruise didn’t go too bad. I read about a new virus that was spreading through Wuhan, China. I thought this wouldn’t be a good thing to happen on a cruise ship. A couple of days later, I was hit with an intestinal illness and confined to my stateroom. I was sure it was COVID.
February
We arrived back in Canada on February 1, and not a day too soon. The coronavirus had already reached North America and Toronto had already several cases, people who had recently visited Wuhan. Anticipating what was to come, I was already stockpiling coffee, wine, certain foods and of course toilet paper. I also cancelled our planned cruise for the summer to the Baltic Sea.
About the middle of the month, I developed a horrible cough. I had already had a bout of pneumonia in November. This time I was sure it was COVID.
March
March was a time to prepare for the pandemic. Although many people had the impression that this would only last a few weeks, I figured it would be 12-18 months. I began sourcing all those things we would normally go out to purchase. I arranged for grocery and meat deliveries. We were determined to increase Jeff Bezos’ net worth.
Once the cases being reported included ones transmitted within the general community, I decided that because I’m immune compromised, it was time to go into quarantine. The last day I was out in public was March 10. I was at a Maple Leafs hockey game and someone had tried to high five when the Leafs had scored. I was sure he was COVID.
The next day I set up my bubble and disappeared.
April
We settled into a routine that rarely varied. We would get up and have breakfast. Then go out for a daily walk. After a shower, I would head to the office and write. A break for lunch and then back to writing. Then I would make dinner and post the final result on Instagram. Our bubble included my daughter’s family. Twice a week, my older grandson would spend a day with us to give his mother a break.
We were getting mixed signals from the government about the transmission of the virus and what activity was risky which left me stuck at home. First, we were told not to wear masks. Then we were told to wear them out of the house. No one was sure if outdoor transmission was a problem. How long does the virus survive on surfaces? Some people suggested not long but others said it could be days.
Whether it was the anxiety created from the fear of infection or from isolation, I began to experience joint pain and fatigue. It was a flare up of my autoimmune condition. But I was convinced it was COVID.
May
The routine was getting monotonous, but I managed to finish the manuscript I was working on and had begun a new one. But my joint pain had gotten bad enough that I had essentially stopped my daily walks, so I was barely getting out of the house. And the weather here in May was absolutely miserable.
At the end of the month, I actually ventured out for my first shopping encounter in about 2.5 months. I dropped in at an outdoor garden centre to buy some plants for my garden. I was totally paranoid as I rushed through the place with mask and gloves and grabbed what I needed. When I got home, I hopped into the shower. A couple days later my wife woke up with a sore throat. I was sure she had COVID.
June
As the infection rate dropped in Ontario, we began to cautiously re-open the economy. In early June my acupuncturist was allowed to re-open. I had the first appointment on her first day to begin treating my swollen joints. It would take the entire month to get back to normal. By late June, I decided we would accept an invitation for an outdoor visit with friends. They had been as cautious as we have been, so I felt it was safe.
My wife learned that her hair salon was re-opening and immediately made an appointment. I was sure we were now finally going to get COVID.
June 27, 2020
The Art of Querying
ca. 1947 — Gregory Peck in — Image by © John Springer Collection/CORBIS
I doubt anything induces anxiety for writers more than querying. Let’s face it, writing and editing are much more rewarding. Many writers find the continuous stream of rejections chips away at one’s confidence. But if you approach querying properly and with the right attitude, you will increase your chance of being successful.
The query letter is like a resume. You may have great work experience but if your resume is poorly drafted, you may miss out on job interviews. Similarly, weak query letters put you at a huge disadvantage.
Who To Query?
Traditional publishers do not normally accept submissions directly from authors. Their editors work with literary agents who submit on your behalf. Consequently, if your goal is to sign with a traditional publisher, you need to be querying agents.
Because of their size, traditional publishers are looking for books that will be commercially successful. You may have an excellent manuscript, but publishers may feel it has a limited audience. Fortunately, there are smaller independent or hybrid publishers with different expectations and criteria. They also accept submissions directly from authors.
I’m not going into the merits of these two publishing routes in this post. You need to decide which better suits your manuscript. There’s also nothing wrong with querying literary agents and indie publishers at the same time.
My only advice is that you research agents and publishers to find those that would be a good fit. That will cut down on the number of rejections you receive, and the frustration associated with the process. So, if you are a romance writer, stick to agents and publishers looking for romance novels. Not much different than job hunting. If you apply for a job requiring an accounting designation and you don’t have one, you can be guaranteed you’ll be rejected.
What Goes Into A Query?
Typically, the querying process has up three components – the query letter, a synopsis and a number of pages or chapters from your manuscript. Some agents or publishers only ask for one or two of these components. Make sure you only submit what is requested. You don’t want to be rejected because you didn’t follow their submission guidelines.
I’m only going to cover the query letter and synopsis. How do they differ? The best way to describe it is, the query letter shows while the synopsis tells.
The Query Letter
A query letter is the way to get your foot in the door. It needs to stand out over other submissions because the average agency can receive 10,000 submissions in a year. You want to seduce the agent to want to read more. That’s what makes the hook so important. I’ll describe the hook shortly.
You query letter should be no longer than one page. Remember the reader is receiving hundreds each week and will not be motivated to read long letters. Personalize the salutation to show that you researched the agent or publisher and no something about them. For example, I’m submitting to you because I know you enjoy young adult fantasy novels. Avoid saying something that might annoy the reader, such as insisting they will love your book or that you’ve written the next bestseller.
After the salutation, get right into providing your manuscript’s basic information to confirm that it falls into one the types of novels that they seek to represent. You will state the title, the genre, whether it is a series or standalone, and the word count. It will look something like this, MY LIFE ON PLUTO is a standalone, adult fantasy novel, complete at 78,550 words. I suggest including comparable novels to help the reader understand what type of a book you’ve written. This isn’t critical but can be helpful. So, for example, my novel would appeal to fans of Gone Girl and Girl on a Train. Agents like to see comparable book titles. I don’t always limit it to books and have used films and TV shows. For example, I’ve compared a manuscript to the film Fargo.
The next section is the hook. I feel it’s the most important part of your query letter. The hook is one to two sentences that summarize your book at a high level and entices the reader to want to know more about it. It should set the tone for your novel. Dix Jenner, a self-proclaimed slacker, is the first chef to live—and maybe die—on Mars.
That should be followed by a paragraph or two describing the character’s, motivation and conflict and how the conflict is resolved, without giving away the ending. The description you provide should be between 100 and 200 words. This is not intended to be a synopsis. This description should not mention anymore than two or three characters. Generally, I would make only mention of the protagonist and antagonist, but there maybe a compelling reason to name someone else like a love interest.
The next section would be a writing-related bio. This is optional if you are unpublished. An agent or publisher isn’t really interested in how you always dreamed about being published or all the writing courses you’ve taken. They are only interested in your publishing background if you have one or that you’ve successfully won a writing contest. Finally, end the letter with a basic closing – Thank you for your time and consideration. Again, avoid making statements that might turn off the agent or publisher.
Some Querying Do’s and Don’ts
research agents and agencies
don’t waste your time sending mass or blind emails
don’t use alternative emails, only the ones listed in the agency’s submission guidelines
always include genre, if the agent isn’t interested in your genre then you are wasting your time querying them
be clear on the genre and don’t overwhelm with too many
it’s important to include word count because an agent may associate a certain word count range for your genre
spelling and grammar are important, so proofread carefully
agents like to see comparable book titles (film and TV titles are okay too)
highlight only major characters
the bio should be brief and limited to past published works, past agent representatives, writing contests, etc.
include your social media contacts – a word of advice, avoid politics and controversy, use your social medial only for writing
every agency has submission guidelines on the website, follow them closely
do not send anything not requested
do not mention money, make demands in query letters or raise anything that might turn off an agent
The Synopsis
As I’ve mentioned already, some agents and publishers will ask that a synopsis be sent along with the query letter. The query letter is intended to be a hook to get an agent to want to read more. A synopsis is a story map of your manuscript.
A synopsis is typically about 500 words. Agents and publishers don’t want to read anything longer. Remember, they are reading a lot of submissions, so you need to sell your manuscript is a page or two.
Start with the premise of your novel. You will describe the world, setting, and key characters. Use your own voice, even if the book is in first person. It’s important to highlight the conflict in your story, what’s at stake for your protagonist, and what hurdles they have to overcome including the climax. Walk through the plot and show how your character changes or grows over time.
Finally, you will be expected to give away the ending of your story. An agent or publisher needs to see how conflicts are resolved.
Some Synopsis Do’s and Don’ts
tell the story in your own voice
even if your manuscript is told in first person, the synopsis should be third person
be detailed than in the query letter, but focus on what’s important
describe the protagonist’s successes and failures, emotions and feelings
be sure to describe the protagonist’s growth
tell but don’t neglect your creativity
There some excellent online resources around outlining how to query literary agents and publishers. If you use an editor to polish your manuscript, have them review your query letter and synopsis. There are many reasonably priced editors out there.
And good luck!
June 15, 2020
Ten Things I’ve Learned During The Pandemic
There is no longer designated meals, like breakfast, lunch, dinner. There’s only eating and not eating (or as I sometimes refer to it as “thinking about what to eat next”). Along with the eating is drinking. No one cares if it’s not 5 pm yet. Anytime of the day is fine during the pandemic.
Not only are we now cooking everyday, everyone is baking! Baking sourdough bread, baking cookies, baking brownies. Grocery stores can’t keep up with the demand for flour. And did you happen to notice the 15 extra pounds you’re carrying around?
You’re eating nonstop at home and soon you find that you are forever doing dishes and never stop doing the dishes into infinity. You don’t own your dishes anymore. The dishes own you.
Small talk has changed with the times. Canadians like to small talk about the weather. “That’s some rain we had,” or “cold enough for ya?” The pandemic has dominated conversation. “How many new cases today?” is a common question these days. Then of course the discussion switches to food. “How are you getting your groceries?”
We all agree that quarantine life is boring and monotonous. Each day is more or less a repeat of the day before. I can’t remember if it’s Monday, Friday or Saturday. So, to make things simpler, I know refer to the day as Sameday. So, have a Happy Sameday!
Home schooling is the scourge of every parent. Most of us barely made it through calculus the first time around. It’s not going to be clearer 20 years later. The whole deal is exhausting and frustrating. I bet you wonder how those teacher do it? I’ve learned that it’s best to ditch the lesson plans. Teach kids life skills like making their beds, washing dishes, and cleaning bathrooms. If your kids are keeners, get them to do small plumbing and electrical repair jobs around the house. Your home will be never look better!
No one has had a haircut in 3 months. Men have that shaggy dog look. Women’s hair is mysteriously getting darker. Some people are taking matters into their own hands and it’s not a good look either. You know the first call everyone makes when the lockdown ends – their hair salon!
It’s not uncommon for you to spontaneously break into fits of crying. Don’t be embarrassed, we’re all doing it. Anxiety, frustration, money worries, kids, anything can trigger it. My only advice is keep a bottle of wine handy.
People ask me what exercise am I getting – hahahahaha!
