Helene Lerner's Blog, page 88

Confidence Boot Camp

We're on day FOUR of the Confidence Boot Camp, but you can still sign up! During the camp, you will receive daily reflections and exercises in your inbox. These sparks of confidence are a sneak preview from my new book The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It, which is available for preorder. Stay up-to-date with what's going on by checking out #ConfidenceCamp on social media.

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Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Two Tips to Get Them to Say YES

Your success and happiness depends on your ability to get others to say “yes” more than they say “no.” When you have an idea you would like others to adopt, when you want to raise money for an important cause, or when you ask for a promotion at work, you have to deal with the question, “How can I get others to say ‘yes’?”

Here two ways to get more people saying, “Yes!”

Give more than you take:

Relationships are built upon reciprocity—giving and receiving. If you’re hearing “no” more often than you’d like, it could be because you’re making more withdrawals than deposits in your relationships. The people who have mastered the art of getting more yes's are the ones consistently asking, “What can I do to help you?”

The late author and speaker Zig Ziglar said, “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” The fact is, we’re all more inclined to help someone who has a history of helping us. When you give more than you take, you will hear more yes’s than those who take more than they give.

Appeal to their self-interest:

If you ask your child to go to the grocery store with you, chances are they might not find that appealing. However, if you ask them to go with you to choose their favorite ice cream, that’s another story. When it comes to self-interest, children and adults are the same. When someone shows us how to get what we want, we’ll follow them almost anywhere.

If you want your boss to give you more responsibility, show her how it will free up her time for more important things. She might be motivated to help you further your career, but if she sees how helping you helps her as well, you’re almost guaranteed to get a “yes.” In essence, find out what your boss’s “ice cream” is and you’ll hear “yes” more often than not. Just remember, not everyone wants ice cream—but everyone wants something. Your job is to find out what that is and wrap it up in what you’re asking them to do.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

3 Tips to Step Up and Start Achieving More

Last week I got an email from a potential client. This person was looking for help with something very specific that I knew I could help with, but I did not respond to the email right away.

The client was too big. They were a well-known entity in the industry with a very established business.

This has happened to me many times. Especially as I think back to when I began my career as a Business & Life Strategist.

The symptoms and conversations in my head are familiar:

“Impostor syndrome,” when we are not able to recognize our own skills and accomplishments 
“There are so many other people that can do a better job than me” 
“I’ve never done this exactly this way”
“I don’t have what it takes”
“It’s too risky, what if I fail”

It also happens to my clients as they experience the growth they are looking for, as they stretch their boundaries and step away from their comfort zone.

In spite of this, I, as well as my clients and many women out there, still plow forward to reach our next level. We serve that challenging client, take that job that seemed too high for us, step up to a microphone in front of a large audience.

So how do we do this? How do we get out of our own way? Here are 3 ways that have worked for me:

Identify your inner leader. Connecting with the essence of who you are will allow you to refer to your internal leader for guidance and reassurance. 

Connect with your why. We have a purpose in our lives. When the next challenge comes and your fear steps in and says, “THIS IS TOO HARD DON’T DO IT,” ask yourself a simple question: “Is this next challenge aligned with my WHY, the belief that I hold for the work I do?” 

Be in the now. As Eckhart Tolle writes in his book “The Power of Now,” all we have is the present moment. When fear is stopping you from your BIG life, simply know that fear comes when our minds are in the future, not in the present moment. Be present and take the next step that is right in front of you.

If you would like more help in clarifying your inner game, I want to give you a special offer. This program is designed to help you master your inner game, so you can win in your life, your business and career.

--Dolores Hirschmann is a coach, entrepreneur, writer and speaker and lives in MA with her husband and four children. 

 

How to Boost Your Happiness

Happiness is important. Most people would agree with that. At the same time, there’s a lot of confusion and mixed messages about happiness. Some experts tell us we should seek to find meaning in life, not happiness. We’re told that happiness is fleeting and seeking happiness directly almost guarantees we won’t “find” it. We end up confused and promise to come back to the matter later.

In my blog posts, I often give three tips or keys to achieve whatever I’m talking about. I’m not going to do that today. I’m not going to, because I don’t think what we most need is more information on happiness. I’ve written a book on “enlightened happiness,” so I’m not saying three tips about happiness wouldn’t be helpful. I’m just not going to do that today—and I bet you can guess why.

As important as being reminded of how to boost our happiness is—what is more important is using the insights we already have. We know enough about happiness to increase our happiness right now. The problem is, we haven’t committed to making happiness our priority. That’s the biggest obstacle we face. 

My coaching challenge to you today is to ask yourself if you’ve ever prioritized your happiness. If the answer is no, that’s your first step. If you have, then it’s a matter of following through on your commitment to make happiness your focus.

If you have questions or comments about committing to happiness, speak up and I’ll be sure to respond.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

It's Time to REDEFINE Confidence

It's time to REDEFINE confidence! Check out our Confidence Boot Camp, it's our gift to you! Starting Monday February 23rd, you'll receive reflections and strategies for fourteen days to help JUMP-START your confidence. 

SIGN UP HERE!

 

Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Move through Fear and Do It Anyway

What is holding you back? FEAR? Most likely when you are contemplating taking a step forward outside your comfort zone, fear will rear its ugly head. But don't let it stop you, and here's how:

. Know that stepping out of what you know is followed by GROWTH.

. You can take action anyway even if you are afraid.

. The alternative of not taking a smart risk is inertia and stagnation.

 

What is your life about? Don't you want to actualize your potential? Have the courage to move through discomfort. And get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Just take the next right action, and then another, and another.

You go gal!

The Solution to Stop Blaming Yourself

I was having a phone conversation yesterday with a colleague and it was going well. Then, seemingly out of the blue, it wasn’t going so well. Our conversation had taken a turn, and I could tell “Susan” was irritated, if not already angry. As the tension rose, my first thought was, “She’s being unreasonable, no doubt about it.” No sooner had I thought this, I wondered:  “Am I’m the problem here?" That’s when my mind went back to, “No, this isn’t about me—it’s about her.”

That’s never a good place to end up—even if it’s true. Which brings us to the question, “Am I the problem?” That’s an appropriate question, but again, it's never a good place to end up. “Am I the problem here?” That question takes emotional intelligence to ask, but we don't want to stop there. Is the real issue one of blame? No. The real issue is, “What’s a solution for this?”

Fortunately, this time that’s where my mind went. As soon as I shifted to a solution mindset, I could feel myself relax. I could also feel my power coming back—the power I previously gave away by asking who was at fault. Taking responsibility isn’t about blame. It’s about being response-able—being able to respond to whatever is at hand. That's why the question, "What's a solution for this" is so powerful.

This is true when it comes to communicating with yourself, just as it is true with how you communicate with others. Something magical happens when we skip blaming ourselves when something goes wrong, and instead we and go right to finding solutions. Who really cares “who’s at fault?” If you make a mistake, even a major one, there’s no need to beat yourself up over it. The fact is, whether you're dealing with someone else or just yourself, the power question to ask is, "What's a solution here?"

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

How to Stop Self Sabotage

Today we’re going to take a closer look at what stands in the way of unleashing more of our potential. 

A Common Problem: 

This sounds counter-intuitive, but achievers on all levels (high, average, and under achievers) stifle their potential for greater performance and well-being when they push themselves instead of inspiring themselves. There are many ways our "pushing" shows itself, but here are three examples:

Judging ourselves: “I should be further along in my career by now.”
Criticizing ourselves: “Why can’t I be more assertive?” 
Having unrealistic demands: “I know I’m sick, but I’m going to push through my normal schedule anyway.”

You might think high achievers don’t limit their potential in any way, but the truth is, many limit themselves in the ways described above. They use these three behaviors to “motivate” themselves without any awareness of the damage it does. By the time they get to me, their self-judgment, self-criticism, and unrealistic expectations have made them easily irritable, cynical, anxious, burned out, or depressed. 

These three traps also explain why we see so much average and under performance around us. As illustrated by a senior manager’s recent comment to me: “The problem with average and under achievers is that they don't expect enough of themselves. They have all these reasons explaining why they can't perform at higher levels.” 

This manager's thinking isn’t unusual. Many managers think that way—and many individuals who are average or under performers think that way as well. I had a former client who was a solid (but average) performer in his company when he began working with me. He told me in the fourth coaching session, “Alan, I think you’re too easy on me. I want you to push me harder.” 

The Solution:

Truthfully, he didn’t need me to push him harder. He also didn’t need me to tell him he could be doing better. What he needed was to learn how to inspire himself into greater performance, not put more pressure on himself. As a coach, I am quite capable and willing to challenge my clients, to expect more from them, and to give them uncomfortable feedback. However, I can only do that if we have a relationship that allows it.  

And that’s where we often fall down. We want to get more out of ourselves, but we don’t have the relationship with ourselves to do that. We’ve criticized, judged, and made unrealistic demands on ourselves too often—and we're often oblivious to that. What about a manager who tries to help an under performer do better, but who doesn't know how to connect with and communicate with them effectively?

We need to learn how to inspire ourselves and others instead of judging, criticizing, and making more demands of ourselves. Leaders and managers need to learn how to inspire their teams instead of pushing them. The fact is, we can't demand potential to be released, we have to inspire it to come out.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

How to Rediscover Your True Passion after a Huge Challenge

We have all faced challenging times in our life, such as a new career, the loss of a loved one, or divorce.

When faced with any of these challenges, it is suggested you take your time, come up for air, and use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. 

Treasure Your Gifts Within

Realizing we are all born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many women to believe. You are magnificent just the way you are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities. Read that list every day.

Give Yourself a Break

When dealing with major life challenges, many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off this stressful time. For example, they may try working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom. It’s essential to let this time include pampering yourself. Barter with a friend/neighbor to watch your children, or leave work a few minutes early so you can enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Try sitting on a park bench long enough to get that sense of the unique and special YOU. Take this time every day to experience life without feeling like a wife, mother, sister or daughter… simply you!

No regrets! No bitterness!

Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? Are these thoughts serving you or helping you feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings. Learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. 

What really matters to you?

What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your purpose is? Knowing your purpose will give your life direction and help you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

Be True To Yourself

During challenging situations, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what we should do do, and how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. If a decision feels good, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.  

--Joanie Winberg
www.FreshStartAfterDivorce.com
www.GettingAlongSolutions.com

 

Two Secrets to Higher Achievement

Julia is a new senior manager with a loving family and close friends. When she began working with me as her coaching client, she told me she feels happy and fulfilled with most of her life.  Of course, I asked about the “most” part. Julia told me about an area of her life where she gets easily frustrated, and even though she is a high achiever, she feels (as she put it) like a “fraud” at times.

Denise is an average performer. No one complains about her work because she is dependable and does good work. However, her manager knows she's capable of doing great work. Denise also knows she's capable of more and wants to "get to that next level" of performance—but she doesn't know what to do next. 

Tom is considered by his co-workers and family to be an under-achiever. It’s not that he doesn’t have talent—he just never seems to be able to tap into it. Tom claims he could do great things (and he could), but it just seems to be all talk and no action. He wants to do better, he promises to do better, but so far he's disappointed everyone, including himself.

Wherever you fit on the spectrum, here are two "secrets" to achieving more success and happiness.

Ease up on yourself

Regardless of what kind of achiever we are, when we’re not making the progress on something important to us, it’s easy to criticize ourselves. Or we push ourselves harder. Both high achievers and under achievers can easily fall into these traps. However, we can’t criticize ourselves into being more “successful," and pushing yourself harder can backfire on you. You might think otherwise (many do), but often whatever success you have will be offset by the inner conflict you create for yourself. 

“Going off your diet” doesn’t mean you need to berate yourself with guilt and shame. More than likely, it’s proof you need something you don’t have enough of yet, which brings us to the second secret to achieving "impossible" goals.

Get more support

One of my clients was a former Special Forces member; an Army Ranger. I learned from him that even the toughest of the tough know how vital it is to have the support of a team. If you’re a high achiever feeling drained instead of energized, perhaps the missing element is more support. If you’re an under achiever or an average achiever, what could you do if you had the support you needed? 

Whether you're an under achiever, average achiever or high achiever, more positive support will give you more fuel to run on. Reaching our "impossible" goals requires collaborating with those around us. Human beings are wired to connect with others, and when we try to do everything by ourselves we limit who we can become and what we can achieve. If you want to achieve more, perhaps the missing element is getting the support you need.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach