Helene Lerner's Blog, page 90

Are You Guilty of These Communication Mistakes

A few days ago I received a check from a client for her monthly coaching fees. I noticed the amount was much higher than needed, so I called Julia to see why. Because she “writes” her checks online Julia asked me, “Didn’t you see my note of explanation and thank you?" I told her, “No. There is no note section on the check.”

It turns out that every month for the past four months, Julia had been writing me a short note along with the check and assumed we had succesfully communicated (a fair assumption). In reality, no communication had taken place. After we both laughed, the incident reminded me of the famous quote by George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Communication is the lifeblood of our relationships, both personally and professionally. Yet, how much attention do we really give to it? Now is a good time for us to remind ourselves of these three communication tips: 

Communication is an active, ongoing process:

You can’t just tell your boss, co-worker or family member something and expect them to understand exactly what you meant. Likewise, you can’t assume you know what someone meant just because you heard the words. Ask clarifying questions to make sure everyone is on the same page. Great communicators stay in the communication process until they know that communication has really taken place. 

It’s (almost) impossible to over-communicate:

Your loved ones might not want to hear, “I love you” every five minutes, and your co-workers don’t need you to over-compliment them. However, as a former psychotherapist with many years of coaching, consulting and providing workshops, I can tell you they want more positive feedback than they’re getting. Very few leaders, managers, co-workers, family members or friends are in danger of over-communicating—and that likely includes you and me.

The quality of your communication is determined by the results you get:

We all have at least one person we wish would listen better or quit assuming we can read their minds. Or how about that person you’ve sent an email to as a reminder of a certain deadline—and they still miss it. Then they insist you never told them about the deadline. Yes, they need to improve their part in the communication process. However, if you want better results in your communication with someone, you have to make it happen. Expecting them to change is all but guaranteeing nothing will change. Put your ego aside and create the better communication you want. 

  -Alan Allard, Executive Coach

 

Ruthie Davis On Taking Risks And Moving Forward Part 2

Ruthie has a lot in store this year. Here's the second part of our fantastic interview. 

What would you tell your younger self knowing what you know now?

I was very organized and competitive when I was younger. I would tell myself, "you need time away to recoup, to do your job well. Take off weekends and nights. You’ll do better, since it gives you distance and perspective." The second is, "Don’t take things personally." The fashion industry is really tough and can be cut throat. When you take it personally and things go wrong—there's nothing wrong with you. It’s just a tough industry. 

In the not too distant future we’ll be able to travel in space, will you be one of the first onboard?

I’d love to say, “Of course! In my spacesuit and futuristic shoes!” but in all honesty… I’m not a huge fan of flying. I don’t have a FEAR of flying, but it’s not my favorite thing. I’m a Capricorn, it’s an earth sign. I like my feet on the ground—but I’d go to the launch event! 

Who’s the celebrity you most admire? 

That’s an easy one: Beyonce. I’ve met her a number of time; she’s a gracious, down to earth, nice woman. I love that she has a great career and is a mother and wife. She has no problem being herself. I’ve always said you can be the most gorgeous, sexiest, stunning woman in the room, and you can also be the most successful CEO. They can be the same person—you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other, and Beyonce is exactly that. She proves my point.  

If you were stranded on a desert island who would you want to be stranded with? 

My husband Innes Weir and my two dogs,  River and Desert. Desert will do well on the desert island… They’re Italian greyhounds. I’ve always had dogs, I’m the youngest of six kids and when I was 10 my parents got me a dog. I was always an animal person. When I was six I told my friends, “I think I’m going to be the first woman to give birth to a dog.” It’s funny how my life evolved, I have dogs instead of children—and it works for me.

What’s hot in your world this year?

My new Spring 2015 collection was inspired by a trip to Turks and Caicos. It’s very colorful, fun and happy. We have a lot happening thisyear. We’ll be opening our first Ruthie Davis store in NYC, and we’re expanding into some new categories. We actually have kids shoes that match the mommy shoes coming out, plus a another new line that I can’t talk to you about, it’s top secret. 

 

What Leaders Do

Jamie is a high school Spanish teacher and an outstanding professional. She’s not at the top of her game because she’s had it easy though. Her first three years as an educator were grueling in many ways. Jamie had long hours, had to deal with challenging students and unreasonable parents, and if that wasn’t enough, some of her colleagues were difficult as well. Jamie rose above those challenges because she’s a leader.

 

What about you? Are you the leader you want to be? Leaders have a growth mindset and here are three ways for you to grow as a leader:

Invest in yourself:

Jamie has paid her own way to many conferences, purchased books and videos to further her knowledge and she will soon begin earning her master’s degree. She wasn’t told she had to do any of these things—she took it upon herself. If you want to be given more leadership opportunities, give yourself more learning opportunities. Be (as Google calls it) a “Learning Animal.” Make sure your learning and growth plan includes not only the technical aspects of your job but also includes what sets leaders apart—their people skills.

Develop your interpersonal skills:

Jamie seems to be naturally gifted when it comes to connecting with others and collaborating with her colleagues. Even so, she has encountered a few students, parents and colleagues that have been difficult to work with. What does Jamie do? She challenges herself and thinks, “What can I do differently to make this relationship work better?” That’s the mindset of a leader. Whether connecting and inspiring others comes naturally to you, think of someone who is challenging and  view that relationship as your opportunity to fine-tune your people skills. You’ll be a better leader for it.

Take some risks:

There have been times when Jamie was asked to take on something she didn’t have the experience or training for. Instead of playing it safe and saying “no” to her challenging opportunities, Jamie took risks and learned along the way. That’s what leaders do. They embrace challenges and risk failure on some level. Choose something today you’ve been avoiding and embrace it. Learn a new skill, speak up and share your idea with your boss or ask for a higher level of responsibility. 

 -Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Ruthie Davis on Taking Risks and Moving Forward

One of our favorite people is Ruthie Davis; she’s always innovating and moving fashion forward. We caught up with her and few questions about taking risks, her dogs, and moving forward into the new year. 

You've always been an innovator, how were you able to move through the fear of the unknown and keep taking risks?

Honestly I’ve never really had a fear of the unknown—I’m always looking forward. Aesthetically I’m attracted to more futuristic designs, that’s what inspires me. I try to design what’s ‘next.’ I think innovating has always been in my DNA. After all, I launched my line with a wedge made out of titanium—that was a real struggle to get done. 

What made you think “I’m going to make a titanium wedge.”

As a kid I was a big athlete. I loved skiing, tennis, field hockey… and I loved the equipment. I originally started designing athletic products, which are modern and sleek. When I launched the brand I used to say, “just imagine that Nike and Christian Louboutin had a baby.” I wanted to bring those two worlds together. 

Did you know from a young age did you know you wanted to go into fashion. 

No, not at all. I was always very entrepreneurial. I went to Bodden College and majored in English and minored in visual arts. I thought I might be a sports writer! But I always used to draw shoes. 

Your work has a very distinct aesthetic and you keep changing and venturing out in different ways. For example, I love your wedged sneakers. Where do your ideas come from?

It really comes from living, eating, sleeping and dreaming products and fashion. I love the feeling of a sneaker, but I like the height and sleekness of a wedge. I live in my sneaker wedges; I’m wearing them right now. Whatever’s happening in fashion I have, I’m wearing it, and I’m thinking about what shoes will match it. I have a real advantage as a woman designing for women—I test drive it, I wear it, it’s what I want. 

A lot of the industry is still dominated by male designers. Do you think more women need to be designing for women?

I do. I’m really astounded by the lack of women who are doing it. What’s interesting is that many women in the field tend to shy away from high fashion—what Beyonce or Gaga would wear. They tend to do more Kate Spade or Tori Burge. It’s almost like it’s expected that only European men can make women look sexy. Women are afraid to own that, and they should. 

What advice do you have for young women who are trying to find their style?

Every girl has something about her that is special. They just have to figure that out, then build the style around those positives. It’s a skill you have to hone, and you need to figure out that special thing. Personal style is a very important expression of who a person is—it’s easy to not develop it. 

Do you have comfort clothes? What’s your go to piece of clothing?

I’ve always dressed where sports fashion meets. I’m not the sort to wear baggy sweats; a lot of my usual clothes look sleek and cool, but are actually very comfortable. I don’t look cool for others, I look cool for me. So even when I’m home I like to look put together, and of course, I’m in my wedged sneakers! 

Tune in tomorrow for more from Ruthie!

Are You Happy Enough?

Recently I asked a client who is a senior manager, “Ed, are you happy?” He paused for a second and replied, “Why do you ask?” Then Ed told me his company didn’t hire me to help him in the happiness department. The CEO wanted me to coach Ed to improve the performance of his team. Ed wondered what his happiness had to do with their performance. It's not something he had given much thought to.

I wasn’t surprised by Ed’s response. Whether in the workplace or life, there isn’t agreement on how important happiness is. It’s not that we entirely dismiss the role of happiness—it’s on our list, but who knows how far down it is. At least until we get burned out, can’t get along at all or someone quits at work or in the marriage. That’s when we ask, “How are you doing?” Otherwise, we go on about our business.

If you don’t want to wait on a crisis to check in on the happiness factor, here are three happiness check points:

The You Checkpoint:
The foundation for happiness is having positive energy about yourself and your place in the world. At work that means feeling valued for who you are as a human being and for the contributions you make to your team and organization. In life, having positive energy about yourself includes knowing who you are, what you want and connecting with others and making a difference in your world.

If you’re not happy with you, everything else in life gets cheated. You can be a star at work and feel proud of that, but work can never be a substitute for feeling awesome about yourself. If you don’t respect and love yourself aside from work, what happens on the weekends or if you lose your job or when you retire? Now’s the time to ask yourself, “How happy are you with you?”

The Progress Checkpoint:
I’ve had clients that worked long hours on extended projects or endured health challenges for a year or more. They knew they weren’t going to make giant leaps forward often. What kept them going were the small successes along the way. Experience tells us you don’t turn a team or a marriage around in one month and celebrate your big win.

You take small but important steps and honor each one. Taking action and seeing progress (even the smallest amount) keeps us happy and fuels our further success. The smart leader or manager or parent has a clear vision and goals—but more than that, he or she is really good about noticing and celebrating progress along the way. Now’s the time to ask yourself, “Am I feeling happy about my progress because I’m noticing it and rewarding myself for it?”

The Relationships Checkpoint:
Life—even the part we call “work”—is all about relationships. It’s about trust, communication, meaning, contribution and a sense of belonging. When I walk into a company I can feel the energy—can’t you? It’s either vibrant and inviting or it’s lifeless and dull. People are either there because they really want to be or they’re there because of the paycheck. Happiness and unhappiness at work isn’t a theoretical concept. You can feel the difference right away.

When we’re happy with the people we’re with, we want to be around them and we go out of our way to add to their happiness and well-being. We share, we collaborate, we celebrate and we’re just happy to be around each other. When we’re not happy with the people we’re with, we do what we have to do but not much more. We keep important information to ourselves and when someone fails, we’re just glad it wasn’t us. That’s the difference between happiness and unhappiness at work or at home. Now’s the time to ask yourself, “How happy am I with my relationships?”

—Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Meet Our Career Coach For February

Hello! I'm Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of February. This month will be all about you, but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.

I am a former psychotherapist, and for the past nine years I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer and life coach. I help companies, teams, and individuals thrive by challenging the status quo and creating unprecedented success and fulfillment.  I am the author of Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness: Your Guide to the Life You Were Meant to Live, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible sons-in-law) and last July I became a grandfather for the first time.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Don't Take it Personally

When people attack it is usually because they are feeling bad about themselves. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If someone tries to bring you down, detach and DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If people are jealous and make disparaging remarks, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

Taking it personally is something that can derail you, because you are using your energy to put out imaginary “fires.”

Keep the focus on yourself, go after things you want, and don't get distracted by people who don't have your best interest at heart.

You have talents and gifts that are needed in the world, don’t allow yourself to get distracted. 

 Here are some tips to help you refocus:

Know your Priorities

Write down the things you need to do at the beginning of the day, as well as how much time you’ll spend on them. This will be a great reference point for you.

Take a spot-check inventory throughout the day

Know what you are feeling and why. Ask yourself if you are off-track. If so, focus on a task that is on your priority list. 

Know you are worthy of a bigger job

You may not feel that way at all times, but know that you are always capable of achieving more.  

 

 

Dare to Live Fully: Office Do's and Don'ts

Today Helene’s guest is Deb Boblitt, senior vice president at State Farm. Deb transitioned from teaching to business, and by trusting her gut and being receptive to feedback from her peers she advanced through the ranks of leadership. 

Check out some of the highlights of the program here:

DEB:  For the majority of my career with the company, I’ve been in a leadership role. I’ve had 10-12 bosses over that period of time... all of whom were not easy to work with. How I got through those situations was to say,  “Am I in a role that I love to do? Despite the style of leadership working with this individual, do I know that my job is what I want to do?”

[On self sabotage…]

Probably one of the biggest [ways women sabotage themselves] is trying to be someone they think they’re supposed to be. No matter what your position is, no matter what company you work for, if you think you’re supposed to act like “x”, that is sabotaging. It gets in your way of becoming the most successful person that you can be with the unique skills that you bring to the table. Everyone has a unique package, and you need 

to leverage that.

HELENE:  Another way that I see women diminishing themselves, is when they don’t claim their own accomplishments. When I started my career I didn’t know how to claim my accomplishments. I had a male boss and he would do it every time, and I would just shadow him and see what he was doing. I’d go home at night and practice in front of a mirror! Now I feel comfortable saying that I’ve won several Emmys, and that we have millions of people talking about us on Facebook today. I can share my strength. I think it’s very important that women share and step up in that way.

[On getting feedback…]

The way you think you appear and the way people perceive you may be two different things. If we don’t get proper feedback, we may derail ourselves. But you need to look at the source, because not everyone is sincere and wanting to help you. Take the feedback that fits and leave the rest.  We need to develop a few relationships that really have our best interests at heart.

To hear more of Helene and Deb's motivating conversation, click here. Show is live today at 12PM! 

This program and future shows will also be available on iTunes the day after broadcast. Don't forget to give us a 5 star rating!

 

Be Confident Even When You're Dealing With Cynics

I had a client who wanted to leave her stable corporate job to start her own company. Her husband was, let’s just say, ‘not happy!’ And another who proposed to merge the two largest programs in her organization, but her boss refused to buy in. 

They started to question themselves, their ideas, and whether they could ever make their vision a reality. 

Are you guided to do a next step, but someone whose support you need is a nay-sayer? How can you keep moving forward with confidence? 

Feel it strongly inside of you
Sometimes it makes sense to keep your vision to yourself until you have planted the seeds and it’s too late to turn back. But if you must share it, and others don’t support you, keep your passion alive. Emotionalize your vision by seeing it vividly in your minds-eye, and allow yourself to get excited about it. Surround your mind with stories of successful women and unsung heroines in our culture who persisted in the face of lack of support. 

Honor that your naysayer’s point of view comes naturally to them, but also know that you are entitled to your point of view. If it’s someone who doesn’t believe in you, then stop believing what they say to you. Remind yourself that what they say to you is a reflection of ‘their own story,’ about THEIR life, not about the possibility that you can create for yours. 

And don’t waste your energy being frustrated at other people for their limitations. Rather accept others’ level of evolution, and work on yours!

See if you can find people other than your naysayer to support the idea. For one of the women it was a coaching group of fellow women entrepreneurs. For the other it was peers in her organization – she formed an advisory group to consider strategic directions and the group’s recommendations gave more weight to her proposals. You can even find support in a virtual community. 

Frame it in terms of what’s in it for them
People are often motivated by how they will benefit from a situation. Maybe others are threatened that your success will ‘show them up’ or make them feel small? Maybe your boss has a different strategic direction for the group? Figure out what is most important to them and help them understand how your actions will help THEM get more of what they want. Address their concerns head on. Paint the picture of how you will earn more for the family, or how this will make you more happy to be around, or how you will be a good role model for your children. Speak the language of your boss (i.e., use data, financial numbers, or consumer insights) and show how your proposed ideas will help further the objectives of your group. Incorporate the feedback of others who you think have your best interest in mind and are not just naysayers. 

Formulate a plan and share it 
Make a plan to show what you are going to do to ‘go for’ your dream. For example, one of the women brought her husband a 1 year transition plan with monthly milestone and financial projections so he could be won over by her preparation and could follow along with each milestone that she met. She indicated the benchmarks she would use to evaluate whether her plan was working, and possibly course correct. 

For the woman in the organization, she aligned her proposal with restructuring going on in the organization and then it made sense to her boss. 

Don’t allow yourself to be brought down to others’ level, instead lift them up with your passion. Confidence is contagious! 

So think about what you are here to contribute… and have the confidence to go for it! It’s time for you to launch your own Confidence Revolution!  

-Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach

What type of procrastinator are you?

Do you know what you should be doing… but don’t do it? If you haven’t taken action on an important task for your business or career, or if you have been talking about (but putting off) a next step in your life, you might tell yourself that you ‘don’t have time’, or you might get down on yourself for being lazy. 

We hear a lot of generic advice that tells us to ‘just do it,’ as well as other women’s stories of how they ‘just did it’ – but you may feel that these don’t apply to your situation. If so, you feel even worse about yourself. 

If you haven’t taken action on an important task, it’s usually for one reason only – and it’s not because of lack of time or laziness. It’s because you haven’t identified what type of procrastinator you are, and then identified the solution that matches your ‘type’ (or types.) 

From training thousands of people, I have identified 12 “types” of procrastinators. Here are 5 of the most common.

For example, are you:

An Avoider? You don’t “feel like doing it.” To you, it’s too complex, too boring, and you believe yourself when you say you will ‘do it tomorrow.’

A Spinner? You are juggling too many projects, are going in too many directions, and try to be all things to all people. You put out a lot of energy but don’t get the results that come from deciding to carry one ball ‘across the finish line’ to success. 

A Perfectionist? You are concerned how others will evaluate your efforts so you keep redoing tasks to get all details right… nothing is ever good enough or finished.
 

A Learner? You always think you ‘need to learn more’ to get started, so you keep yourself in a state of information overload and lack of confidence in your knowledge. 

A Dreamer? You have creative ideas and may be a visionary; however, you are ‘all talk, no action.’ It’s hard for you to break down your vision into the first step to get started.


Learning your type can help you get unstuck, because each type has a different solution. 

For example, if you are a Spinner, you want to decide which of your exciting projects is the most important to finish first, and then leverage the success you have from that one to finish the others. If you are a Learner, you want start “just in time” (learn only the next skill you need to progress) instead of “just in case” learning (learn everything you think you will need to know ahead of time). If you are a Perfectionist you want to become more objective about when your work has reached a point that it will get the desired result – make it about the purpose of the work not about how people will evaluate you. If you are an Avoider, you want to try the idea of a ‘start by’ rather than a ‘finish by’ deadline. Learn to manage your attention to ‘get yourself in the mood’ to do it – or just delegate the tasks you don’t like to someone who is great at it! 

The more you know about yourself the easier it will be to get yourself to take action. Go out and take action today, the world needs your talents!

-Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach