Helene Lerner's Blog
December 27, 2016
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September 13, 2016
5 Common Stereotypes About Women and How to Bust Them
Reinforcing stereotypes about women or men is damaging to both genders. Stereotypes can inhibit self-expression and one’s full potential. It solidifies outdated gender roles, as well. These stereotypes are created socially, not biologically. How can women bust the most common stereotypes that occur at work?
1. Reflect on the stereotype and accept it. Do you find a stereotype getting in your way? How much are you struggling with it? When you stop fighting it and accept what is happening, you can more easily work with it. Keep your sense of humor. You know you and other women are different from the stereotype. This removes its power for you.
2. Remain authentic and show people who you are. When people ask questions about you, give them enough information about yourself to help them see how you are different than the stereotype.
3. Be bold; change the stereotype by going against the grain of the common misconception. Balance the tendency to prove the stereotype by showing up with the opposite behavior.
Consider these common stereotypes as you apply these strategies:
If a woman is strong and direct, she’s a bitch.
Of course, if you are a woman with a strong personality, you may be confident and assertive. Don’t ever apologize for yourself. Saying “sorry” is such a common thing for women that we don’t even hear ourselves when we use this word. Be unapologetic and assertive.
If a woman listens and cooperates, she’s weak.
Women are natural collaborators. We are hard-wired for this. Listening and collaborating is a valuable strength in the workplace. Balance your listening with assertive behavior. Establish limits and boundaries.
Women are talkative.
Studies have shown that males and females use the same amount of words. If fact, men talk more than women! Watch out for this overused preamble that sounds like, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”; “you may disagree with my opinion, but…” These unnecessary introductory words reinforce the stereotype and take power from what you assert or ask.
Women are emotional.
Studies show that males and females have the same levels of emotion. However, women are usually better at expressing them. Keep expressing how you feel and use the emotions to get strategic. Be careful not to project the cause onto other’s actions or the situation.
Women are too intuitive.
Males and females are equal in preferring intuition. This stereotype can be active when you prefer to go with your creativity and use your gut feelings to arrive at your opinion. When you can back up your hypothesis with some facts, data, and evidence, you can balance this unfair stereotype.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
5 Ways Leaders Successfully Engage Others
When you think of people you want to follow, what is it they say and do that makes them a leader for you? As you develop your leadership skills, you must be able to inspire others, bring out their ideas, and get the best effort from them. Here are five ways leaders successfully engage others:
1. Ask questions.
We may think leaders do most of the telling, but the best leaders ask great questions – those that engage others’ best thinking. The best questions come from a mindset of curiosity and provoke the imagination or a deep reflection. Phrase it like, “how might you go about that goal if you had all the resources you needed?” or “How else could we approach this problem?” Listening is the best route to success. Summarize what you heard by paraphrasing back to the other person.
2. Develop a vision.
Close your eyes and imagine what your team will accomplish in the next 2 to 5 years. What will success look like? What difference will it make to customers, the market, the company, and the way people work together? Write down the description of what you see and reflect on how you would make this vision real and exciting for others in speaking about it. Visions are engaging because they are about what is meaningful and possible.
3. Get a team involved with an engaging conversation.
People love to discuss things that matter to them. Conversations are most useful when they bring out new thinking and ideas. Suggest topics about any relevant subject; new research or something you read about that could spark new ideas. Ask your group questions such as:
Then, ask those in the conversation what they would commit to doing differently that would make a positive difference to them. Great conversations energize people to see possible new ways to achieve results.
4. Brainstorm ideas.
If you have ever been part of a brainstorming session, this raises energy and gets some great ideas for solving a problem. Bring a question before the group that isn’t answerable with a yes or no. Have everyone write down an idea about how to address the problem. Then, collect ideas on a white board or flip chart that all can see. Don’t discuss each idea before getting all the ideas (no matter how crazy). No one can challenge or argue the ideas. Encourage everyone to build on others’ contributions. Then, you can circle any ideas that look attractive or possible. Then, discuss and evaluate those. Brainstorming is fun and engages everyone’s best thinking.
5. Celebrate achievements.
Have you ever completed a project just to move on with the next one? Isn’t it more rewarding to celebrate an accomplishment and be recognized for the success? Good leaders take the time to acknowledge and appreciate achievements. They often do this by having a small gathering of those involved to debrief the project and discuss what worked well and what was learned. Recognizing and appreciating achievements raises energy and engagement.
Try out these leadership ideas and notice how much any one of these raises the energy of your group.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
5 Ways to Get Back up When You Are Really Down on Yourself
We all have those down days—when life seems a bit bleak and we temporarily feel nothing will get better.
How do you get yourself back on track to think more positively during down times?
Allow yourself to feel bad. Most of the time, we feel we shouldn’t be feeling that way and don’t give ourselves permission to feel down. Feel the sensations in your body—stomach clenched, throat tense, etc. What are you telling yourself? If you want to, write down these statements and read them aloud.
Now, set a time when you will do everything in your power to be over them. In the next two hours, by evening, by tomorrow morning? You set what feels right. You have allowed yourself to indulge in feeling bad, and you have set a plan when that will end.
Do what makes you happy.
What are the things you can do that will instantly make you feel better? i.e., play your favorite song, watch a great movie, take a bubble bath. Even if you don’t feel like doing these things, “act as if” you do, and do them.
Give yourself credit for knowing that your bad mood is temporary and doing whatever you could to get into a better frame of mind. Sometimes, we don’t acknowledge ourselves as much as we should, so start now.
Share what you’ve done to get yourself out of the funk with someone else who doesn’t seem right. There’s nothing like telling another person how you did it. You will gain a sense of satisfaction and will help someone else as well.
6 Signs You May Be Overreacting
We all do it and wish we hadn’t. When we are upset, we tend to overreact, and of course regret what we might have done or said. How do you know when you are about to overreact? Heed these 6 signs.
You are feeling very emotional, more than usual.
Your mood seems to go up and down for no apparent reason and you are having a hard time controlling your reactions.
You are getting upset over stupid, little things.
You find yourself making a big deal over things that really don’t matter. You are wondering why you are making such a big deal over nothing.
Your focus is on other people.
You feel a bit paranoid and are trying to figure out their ulterior motives. You feel they may be plotting against you.
Nothing you do is right.
You are a bit of a perfectionist, but you are merciless against yourself and can’t seem to stop it.
The other person isn’t understanding you.
The person you are engaged with doesn’t seem to know where you are coming from. They are saying that you’re too reactive.
You are feeling flushed.
You are also having other physical symptoms like stomach cramps—you are definitely taking things too personally.
September 12, 2016
4 Steps for Dealing with a Toxic Relationship
What is the best defense for a toxic relationship? In a toxic relationship, your painful feelings are constantly triggered; you experience a drop in positive energy, and find yourself reacting with negativity, anger, defensiveness, and often built-up resentment. This relationship may be with a family member, co-worker, partner, or friend.
The best defense is to take full responsibility for your feelings. Their behavior is triggering your response, but is actually not the reason for your painful reaction. You own this reaction, and its origins come from your subconscious needs. This is not to imply that the other person isn't coming from an unhealthy or unreasonable place, but the only person you can make a difference with is yourself. Here are 4 steps:
1. Reflect on the tension you are feeling, and breath into where you are feeling it most - a clenched jaw, a headache, tightness in your shoulders, etc. Then, notice the emotion(s) that arise: frustration, anger, shame, or resentment. Each specific emotion communicates a need you are not on track to meet. Frustration arises when you aren't on track to achieve a goal. Anger arises when you are not on track to assert a right. Identifying your needs will lead to options you can chose to deal effectively and strategically with this person.
2. Especially with resentment, which is connected to a need to air your grievance and get it heard, let the other person know what isn't working for you. Owning your emotions, needs, and reactions is much easier for the other person to hear and understand. You may have some suggestions for their behavior, but ask them what they think they could do first. Be sure to focus on their behavior. It's not the whole person who is toxic for you, but their behavior.
3. Set limits. You decide what you will and will not tolerate in the relationship. Be specific. What are the consequences? For example, "I will wait for 10 minutes only, but if I don't hear from you by that time, then I will make a choice to move on or start my meal without you."
4. Ask yourself what you can learn from this relationship. For example, I realized in a relationship with a now ex-husband that I was always hoping he would change. My insight was that if I couldn't appreciate and accept him for the way he was, I shouldn't be in the relationship. I was the one who had the problem. I did my own work and eventually moved on.
Relationships work well in helping us grow, and often it’s the toxic ones that teach us the most.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
September 9, 2016
Four Things You Need Know About Difficult People
When someone is attacking you, it's hard to think that they are having a tough time because we get so defensive and have to keep up our guard. But the truth about difficult people is that they are probably highly sensitive, don't think very highly of themselves, and are more scared about dealing with you, than any trepidation you have about dealing with them. Heed the real truth about people who are hard to get along with...
They don't like themselves very much.
They may dress the part, may even put on an air of being quite capable and confident, but don't be deceived, they are NOT. They probably have a heightened sense of insecurity.
They are extremely critical--of themselves and of other people.
Prepare yourself not to take anything personally, because whatever they would be saying about you, they probably think about themselves. It is often easier to deny bad feelings you may have about yourself by projecting the problem on to someone else.
They don't give in easily, and will hold on to their point of view.
So in dealing with them, whenever something has little importance, let them take the credit. You lose nothing by doing that, and they will feel like they have the upper hand.
They want you to take them seriously.
They may feel small and that is why they have to take up so much space (monopolize a conversation, get their way, make a big deal over nothing). Really try to listen to them, try to understand what is behind their words. If you listen closely, the sound of a voice can tell you the real story.
3 Ways to Deal With Toxic People You Have to See Every Day
Some people you can avoid, and others you can't. How do you deal with those negative people you have to see every day, when there is no way to get around that? Here are some pointers.
1. Know it's their problem, not yours. Negative people have a habit of making you feel that whatever has gone wrong is YOUR fault. Well, know it's not. And remind yourself that you don't have to fall for their manipulations. They are probably very unhappy people who make a fuss about everything.
2. Keep detached. Try to not get into an emotional interchange with them. Be as objective as possible. Toxic people know how to get under your skin, but you don't have to let them. When they say something outrageous, don't react. Just count to ten under your breath, and walk away, if necessary.
3. Expect the unexpected. Nothing is out of bounds for toxic people so get ready for whatever they try to dish out. If you know they will look for new ways to get under your skin, and whatever they try to do you are prepared not to let it phase you, then it will be easier to dodge their shenanigans.
6 Bully Traps and How to Escape Them
Bullies love to push your buttons, to make you fear or react to them. When they succeed, they set a rigged game in motion and you play it. Don’t fall into their traps.
Knowledge is power. You can learn to recognize and avoid a bully’s six traps. If you fall into one, you can spring it.
Trap 1: Giving away your power
You wouldn’t let someone step on your foot. Don’t let a bully step into your mind. If you swallow a bully’s judgements or allow him to shape how you see yourself, you aid and abet him. You get to define yourself. If someone bullies you, realize they’re the problem. Don’t mentally eat their garbage or let it become yours.
Trap 2: Denial
When a bully first messes with you, you may want to give him a “free pass.” Don’t. When you stand by, not wanting to admit what’s happening, you give your bully the upper hand.
If a bully yells at you, don’t stand there and take it. Instead say, “I’ll come back when you’re not yelling.”
“I don’t deserve that,” says “I see you for who you are and what you’re doing” to someone making mean comments.
Trap 3: Expecting the bully to change
Hoping for good treatment from a bully because you’re a nice person is like entering a ring with a bull and hoping he’ll leave you alone because you’re a vegetarian. Bullies don’t want to change. You give your bully power when you leave it to him to decide to improve. You get to decide how you want your life to be and do what you need to do to change things. That’s power.
Trap 4: Stooping to the bully’s level
Don’t let a bully push you into bad behavior. Bullies have years of experience fighting dirty, enabling them to win if you climb into the ring. If you act as they do, you may become as much of a problem as the bully.
Trap 5: Pleading
If you plead or beg, you let your bully know he has the upper hand. Bullies respect only strength and power. What makes bullies change? – Negative consequences to them. Instead of expecting compassion, show the bully what they win if they treat you differently.
Trap 6: Letting the bully isolate you
In the same way a wolf steers a calf away from the herd, bullies isolate their targets. If you allow this, the bully can spread rumors about you or even convince others you’re the problem. Jump out of this trap by making friends with coworkers and building a strong reputation.
- Lynne Curry
3 Surprising Ways to Handle Stress on the Spot
A friend called me this week and he was in a surprisingly good mood. Surprising because earlier that day he hit an ice patch while driving through his neighborhood and then plowed into a stationary car. The good news was no one was hurt at all. The better news is what he told me about how he handled his stressful situation: “Three months ago I would have let this ruin my morning or even the entire day. Today’s accident was frustrating, sure, but it didn’t stress me out the way it would have in the past”.
My friend did what not many know how to do—to stop stress before it gets hold of you. Here are three surprisingly effective ways to do that:
Make sure your conscious mind is driving the bus
To handle stress on the spot and prevent it from controlling you, you have to use your conscious mind to interrupt the patterns of your subconscious mind. The truth is, most of us have a habitual, patterned response to frustrations, annoyances, disappointments, mistakes and failure we can call the “typical stress response.”
Surprising stress relief technique: The next time you feel a stress attack coming on, take a breath and ask yourself this simple question: “What is driving my bus—my conscious mind or my subconscious mind?” This one simple question will interrupt the typical stress response your subconscious mind automatically went into and make it easier for you to use the next two techniques.
Give your problem to a friend
When something happens to us, it’s terrible—and it’s going to get worse. I’m exaggerating, of course, but you get the point. Stress is about perspective and some people have more practice in getting and maintaining perspective than others. If you want to handle your stress you have to start mastering the art of seeing your problems and challenges from a solution perspective.
Surprising stress relief technique: If you’re really stressing yourself over something, take it to a friend who will be able to look at your challenges from the outside and with a clearer mind. She will be in a stronger positon to help you problem solve—and if she needs to she can give you a kick in the rear end to take action to get out of your automatic stress response.
Bonus stress relief technique: If you don’t have access to a friend, get two chairs and face them towards each other. Sit in one chair and see you friend in that chair. Have him tell you all about his stress—which happens to be the same stressful situation you’re in—exactly the same. Listen empathetically, ask a few questions and let him say everything he needs to say. Just listen until he’s finished. What would you tell your friend? That his situation is horrible and hopeless? Of course not. So what would you tell him? That’s exactly what you can now tell yourself.
Turn your stress around in three minutes:
Remember what I said about most people’s response to stress being automatic and habitual? The problem with that is most of their automatic responses only keep the stress going. You can do the opposite. You can begin to practice a new response to things that used to set you off or put you in a bad mood. All it takes is three minutes.
Surprising effective of three minute stress relievers:
1. Turn on some upbeat music
2. Read your gratitude list (if you don’t have one, make one up on the spot)
3. Watch a funny or heart-warming video on YouTube.
4. Sing an upbeat song out loud to yourself (don’t try this at the office.)
5. Do some old school calisthenics.
6. Call a friend and bring up a good memory of a time you’ve had with them.
7. Get moving and take a very brief three minute walk.
8. Listen to three minutes of a meditation video on youtube.
9. Stretch your body and feel the tension going out of it.
10. Remind yourself that if you don’t use these simply effective stress relievers, you’re allowing your subconscious mind to drive the bus. Then imagine your conscious mind saying, “Let me drive for a while.” (Note: Yes, you likely know all the things in this list—there are no surprises here. However, they work surprisingly well.)
- Alan Allard
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