Helene Lerner's Blog, page 209

Inspiration to Make Your Own Valentine's Bouquet

Flowers are always a beautiful gift to give a special someone for Valentine's Day. Meet floral designer Rachel Cho, who from her studio in Manhattan and store in the Bronx puts together some beautiful displays. Watch how she mixes colors and textures — even lines a vase with leaves — so you can get inspiration to maybe do it yourself this year.

Video Editor: Victoria Ng

Hello from Your February Career Coach!

Hello, Everyone: Janine Moon here, your February Career Coach...I'm delighted to be a resource for you on workplace and career-related issues over the next few weeks.

Success in today's workplaces requires different capabilities: rather than searching for the "right answers," successful women step into their authenticity: they know who they are; they live their values and embrace their talents; and they continually align their professional value with their organization's strategies. They develop the confidence to step gracefully into the changes that so define business environments.

So, what about me?  My authenticity stems from my long-ago reign as Ohio's Pork Queen (!), my time as a teacher, women's rights advocate, wife, mother, executive, marathoner/half-marathoner and career changer…called 'job hopper' back then! I have learned the "hard truth about the soft stuff"…that as human beings, we don't leave our emotions at the door; and organizations and individuals are most productive when we have a deep commitment to the work we do. When organizations recognize "what got us here won't get us there," I coach them in how to keep their talent—by getting good with the "soft stuff" of coaching, mentoring and workforce engagement.

I'm a refugee of corporate America, having spent years moving through the ranks and getting to the C-suite. I learned relationship building and enterprise growth and created, managed and implemented change. I am always delighted to challenge "we've always done it this way" thinking so people can sync outdated beliefs with the reality of today's global marketplaces. My clients include manufacturing, finance and insurance sectors, associations, professional services firms and government agencies.

As one of only 5 Master Certified Career Coaches in the U.S., I help people take responsibility for lifelong and satisfying career direction. When my clients surface and nurture their identity—their authenticity—they discover their foundation and build on it. The approach—Career Ownership coaching—is the work of my book, Career Ownership: How to Create 'Job Security' in Any Economy. 

I completed my Master's work at The Ohio State University, serve as an adjunct faculty member at Franklin University, and continue active involvement in the National Speakers Association and the International Coach Federation. I live in Columbus, Ohio with my beautiful rescue black lab, Shelby; while my daughter, Lara, lives a short distance away with my grand-puppy, Bailey!

I would love to hear your questions and workplace issues to include them in my blogs this month. Until I hear from you, I'll blog on how to measure your career assets, owning v. renting your career, and likely some things on the voice inside our head—that voice that often puts us directly in our own way! 

Janine Moon

PS: Who among you gets to celebrate your birthday this month on its real date, February 29? Please leave your name in the comments area so we can all wish you a Happy Birthday on your day!

Looking to Treat Your Valentine?

We visited Kee's Chocolates, a chocolate shop owned by Kee Ling Tong, who opened it in 2002 after leaving her job in the corporate world to pursue a dream. Take a look at our video below and watch Kee make passion fruit chocolate truffles in the shape of hearts — perfect for Valentine's Day.

Video Editor: Victoria Ng

The Key to Successful Empathy: Validation

Last night my husband and I attended a parents' group aimed at developing some successful strategies. As a consultant and executive coach, I have always concerned myself with knowing how to build empathy skills. After all, empathy is critical for leaders at any level to develop for influencing, managing conflict, and effective interpersonal communication in general. I learned firsthand that the most challenging component of successfully expressing empathy and sympathy is validation. We learned how to verbally and nonverbally validate ourselves and others. This was really difficult for me. When I am emotionally triggered, this is the toughest skill I have ever tried to master.

What is validation? Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation. Remember that validation is not agreement. Validation does not necessarily mean that you like or agree with what the other person is doing, saying, or feeling. Validation means that you understand where the other person is coming from.

Why is validation helpful? It improves relationships! It makes empathy and sympathy truly work for the communication. Validation shows that we are listening, we understand, we are being nonjudgmental, we care about the relationship, and conflict is possible with decreased anxiety.

How can we validate others? 

Actively listen, make eye contact and stay focused with the other person while they are talking. It's important to be mindful of both verbal and non-verbal reactions in order to avoid "invalidating" their feelings (e.g. rolling eyes, sucking teeth, walking away, saying "That's stupid, don't be sad," or "I don't care what you say").
Observe what the other person is feeling in the moment. Look for a word that describes the feelings. Paraphrase what you hear or think they are feeling based on a past experience with them, i.e, "I know how much you get annoyed when someone is late." Also, demonstrating a spontaneous expression of your validation such as saying, "I feel the same way when that happens," or saying, "oh no!" or give a hug - which is an expression of "radical genuineness."
Show tolerance, especially when you are feeling emotionally triggered. Look for how the feelings, thoughts, and action make sense, given the other person's (or your) history and current situation, even if you don't approve of the behaviors, emotions, action themselves.
Respond in a way that shows you are taking the other person seriously (with or without words). If someone is crying, give a tissue or a hug. If someone is presenting a problem, start problem solving immediately (unless the person wishes merely to be heard).

We can validate ourselves as well!  Self-validation involves perceiving your own feelings, thoughts, and action as accurate and acceptable in particular situations. This is, in fact, critical to being able to successfully validate others. We want to be authentic when we validate - and validating our own feelings will help us be present and non-judgmental as we validate other's feelings.

Try this out yourself:

Your teammate didn't follow through on a promise and is complaining to you about being judged harshly by the manager.

Now write down your first response (the one you naturally might make). 
Now write down a validating response. 

What did you write? My first response was "well that's what happens when you don't communicate you'll be late." My validating response: "That must have felt awful!"

Try this with some other challenging situations and build your "validation muscle." Empathy and sympathy is much more powerful when others feel you "get" them. It lays the foundation for trust and problem solving, especially when emotions run strong.

Warmly,
Andrea Zintz, President
Strategic Leadership Resources
Shaping the Future!

'Love is Every Day Putting Someone Else's Needs First'

Navigating work/life is a constant hot topic. In this clip from one of our shows, "Mothers and Sons: Raising Compassionate Men," Shelly Lazarus, Chairman of Ogilvy & Mather, and Soledad O'Brien, the anchor of CNN's morning news program "Starting Point," talk about how the love they have for their children has been the most important to them. Shelly's children are now in their 20s and 30s, while Soledad's twin sons are now seven (she also has two older daughters). But how cute are these two boys in this video? Take a look.

Increase Your Public Speaking Confidence

[image error]Speaking in front of others is something many of us have to do at some point, formally or informally, and sometimes it can be difficult. Diane Seymour is a founding member of the TAI Group. She helps clients deliver their full presence and personality for speeches and presentations. We asked her for some advice for those of us who have a hard time getting the guts to speak up.

How can you act more confidently if you're a nervous speaker?

As you think about delivering your thoughts and perspective to the audience– take a breath. Breathing gives the audience space to better digest the message and helps them feel more confident and relaxed with you as the leader. Also, when you feel physical tension, put your attention on them (the audience). Make your connection to them much, much more important the than the physical nerves you feel. Imagine two balloons – one that inflates and grows (your focus and interest on the audience) and another one that shrinks and diminishes (your nerves). Watch one balloon get larger as the one other one disappears.

What are the key elements of commanding greater presence when you walk into a room?

Again, breathe! Imagine you have a string leading from the third button of your shirt (from the center of your sternum) gently pulling you forward as you walk up to take your place. When you arrive in front of the room, start in a "neutral" position — a relaxed stance with your feet balanced and grounded in one spot and your arms free. Starting from neutral allows the audience to focus on you and your message, rather than on any distracting body language. It also allows you to focus on making the connection with individual audience members the most important thing.

How can you create the greatest impact?

In every culture, one of the most important ways human beings influence each other is through story-telling. Stories deliver principles and emotions through metaphor and images that stick in someone's mind. Metaphors help us see the world in new ways, and can guide us to a deeper understanding of larger organizational initiatives. Stories capture the imagination and help the audience personalize their own experience within the frame of the speaker's content, which has a huge effect on our ability to process the speaker's content. Stories and metaphors are ultimately about "journeys" and as an audience we appreciate being led definitively in one direction.

What is the most important principle you can share with someone who is preparing for an important presentation?

Practice makes permanent!

Visit www.thetaigroup.com for more information on Diane's work and an upcoming program, Communicating with Power and Presence.

Four Steps to Combat Stress

I am always on the lookout for simple and practical strategies for regaining internal balance during the times when I am feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and generally stressed. Our thoughts make up our experience of the world - moment to moment - and being aware of them is important. A wonderful tool we can use to expedite the process of internal growth and balance is the practice of Mindfulness. 

Mindfulness is a way to manage our attention - attending to our mind, body, heart, and spirit. It involves a self-reflection on core values and feelings, and helps us reconnect with ourselves and the world. 

Having a self-reflective practice we can use on a daily basis, especially in those moments when our stress is high, challenging emotions run strong, and our internal negative voice is gaining ground, is a powerful way to build resliency. This 4-step mindfulnelness practice helps us be present in the moment and connect with all parts of ourselves. It only takes two minutes!

Show up for yourself by turning inward. Sit comfortably, close your eyes and turn your attention inside your body. Breath deeply from your center or "core." Bring your attention to each part of your body and then move your attention to your heart - feel compassion for yourself and others around you.
Pay attention to what is going on within your mind and body by naming it. What is the emotion behind the thought?
Tell the truth. If the emotion is fear, embrace it. Be honest with yourself about what is behind your emotion. If it is fear, for instance, our need is for safety. Ask yourself, what threat am I committed to neutralizing? If it is anger, ask yourself what right am I committed to asserting? Your answer will provide some strategies to meet your important needs for this moment.
Release any attachment to the outcome. It is through release that we can get to the other side of the challenge. Know that your emotion has served an important purpose. Thank it and bid it farewell for now. When this is done with intention, it works surpirsingly well.  

The most frequent reason I let myself off the hook on these kinds of practices is lack of time, when I'm running back-to-back with meetings, projects and other commitments. But we can take a minute or two to do this. Don't we all go to the bathroom during the day? Use this time to self-reflect. This mindfulness-oriented practice can help you take your power back, courageously face barriers, and increase your resilency muscles. 

What are your favorite practices to build your resiliency?

Warmly,
Andrea Zintz, Ph.D.,
President
Strategic Leadership Resources
Shaping the Future!

Are You a Warrior?

February is Heart Health Month — learn more about heart disease prevention, and remember to wear red on February 3 to support the fight in the disease against women! Here's a clip from one of our shows, "Heartbeat to Heartbeat: Women and Heart Disease," featuring Lucy Lawless (remember "Xena: Warrior Princess"?) in which she discusses how important it is as women that we put our health first. Take a look.