Helene Lerner's Blog, page 201

Feel Good Friday: Meet a Powerful Mom

Powerful moms make for powerful daughters. In a time when women were discouraged from entering math- and science-related fields, Mary Lou DeHaas (left) had the gumption to blaze her own trail. In honor of Mother's Day, Deborah DeHaas (of Deloitte LLP) reflects on what her mother's influence has meant for her own life and career. How has your mother's story shaped your own?

 

My mom, Mary Lou DeHaas, was the only female accounting major at the University of Pittsburgh when she graduated in 1951. This was not an easy time for women in business, and one of her accounting professors used to hold up a "drop card" when she came into class each day, suggesting that she transfer out of the accounting program. She stuck it out, though—and after graduation, she worked for several years at a large company in Pittsburgh, supporting my father as he worked his way through medical school.

Later in her adult life, Mom turned her efforts toward being a leader in our community of Washington, PA. She was truly a force—she initiated our community's Head Start program and became the first female elder and trustee of our church, as well as the first woman to serve on our village council. Mom taught us the importance of appreciating all that we have been given, as well as the importance of giving back to our communities. "To whom much is given, much is expected” was her motto, and I hope to pass the same lesson along to my three sons.

Mom always encouraged my two siblings and me to be the best that we could be, and I am confident that I would not have been so successful in both my personal and professional lives without having had such a wonderful role model. She was truly an inspiration, as well as a leader in so many respects. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

From Grudge to Gratitude

This Sunday, we celebrate some of the most significant women in our lives - our mothers - and many of us are crafting grand gestures to show our love and gratitude. But underneath the Hallmark cards and breakfasts in bed, Mother’s Day can trigger complex emotions—our parents aren’t perfect, and neither are our adult relationships with them. Whether you’re struggling to assert your independence, feeling trapped watching old patterns repeat themselves, or nursing a grudge over events of years past, this weekend’s festivities present the perfect opportunity to move from festering to forgiving. Relationship experts Jill and Richard Rogers (of The Seven Sacred Steps and RevRichard.com, respectively) weigh in on letting bygones be bygones, getting into our gratitude, and asking old ladies to dance. —Emma Aubry Roberts

What can we do to help ourselves let go of our parents’ shortcomings?

Richard: No matter how fabulous our parents were, there are bound to be places where our needs didn’t get met. It’s so powerful when we can just accept people exactly as they are, and then actually move into a level of appreciation for that—saying, “Okay, there are places where I wanted them to be different, but I’m not limited in my love by them.” Love is a skill—most of us don't naturally know how to do it, and it is our responsibility to open our hearts.

Jill: We can also make healthy choices on our own behalf by telling ourselves the truth about who we are. We need to be conscious of how our parents show up in ourselves and how that creates stress in our current relationships. We should say to ourselves, "This is who my mom was, this is who my dad was—but who am I, and how do I want to show up? What are the decisions I want to make so that I’m not in reaction to their choices?”

How can we see the silver lining of a relationship that continues to be strained?

Jill: Remember that what they model is what we pick up on. Even if they’re not loving us at the degree that we wish they would, what are the things that they have instilled in us without even really thinking about it? Gratitude helps us turn it around so that we can forgive.

Richard: As an adult, the amount of love that you receive is no longer limited by what your parents can give you. You have friends, spouses, partners—all kinds of people who can replace or add to the love you have in your life. Maybe your parents only gave you half, or a quarter, or even an eighth of the love you need. But the more love you bring into your life, the easier it gets to just accept that gift.

What is the greatest gift your mother gave you?

Richard: My mom taught me how to be social. When we were kids and would go to a wedding or any kind of special event, my mom would make us ask older women - aunts, cousins - to dance. She taught me how to network and how to reach out, and I am forever grateful for that.

Jill: I was raised in a small town, and there was an older man who would walk in from the country to get his groceries. If my mom spotted him, it didn’t matter if she had plans, or if she was busy—we would always stop and offer him a ride. She has taught me to be a very giving person—to always ask someone how I can help them, even if I don’t know who they are.

Career Coach: Walk the Walker

I never saw Elvis in concert, much less met him. The closest I ever got to the King of Rock and Roll was in meeting Ray Walker of the Jordanaires, who sang backup for Elvis for 14 years. After seeing Mr. Walker perform at an event, I joined the small crowd around him to ask a question, hoping only for a quick answer before someone else grabbed his attention. To my surprise, he instead said to me, "I have to change clothes before my next performance, but let's go back to my dressing room."

I spent an hour with Mr. Walker, and I got the answer to my question—plus a couple of wonderful stories about Elvis (for the record, Mr. Walker had nothing but great things to say about his dear friend The King). Mr. Walker made me feel like I was the most important person he could have been talking to that day, though I highly doubt that was true. He was gracious and courteous, and he asked me a number of questions about myself, my work, and what I envisioned for my future. Ray Walker's kindness and humility made a huge impression on me, and I will never forget that hour.

Why am I telling you this story? To help you understand that celebrity or not, you make an impression on every person you interact with—especially those you see every day. People's opinions of you have a lot to do with how you treat them and others around you. Others may or may not be impressed by how smart or gifted you are, but they will always remember how you made them feel (bonus: If you make them feel good about themselves, they will likely think that you are smart and gifted!). Here are a few things to keep in mind when interacting with your colleagues, friends, family, and everyone else you talk to on a regular basis.

Direct the focus outward. Make the conversation about the other person, not you. I know, I know—you wish that someone would do the same for you. Try to lead with a positive example.

Listen wholeheartedly. Too many people listen only to find a place to interject their own stories. Try to hear the other person without half a mind on what you will say next.

Don't talk trash. Resist the urge to gossip. Saying negative things about somebody else will only make you look bad in the end.

Be gracious. Mr. Walker actually gave me his home phone number, as well as an offer to stay at his home if I ever happened to be in the area. Talk about gracious!

Love who you are and what you do. Mr. Walker exuded a quiet but positive energy. It was clear to me that he was happy with his life and his work, although he didn’t feel the need to boast about either.

Mr. Walker is a class act. Do others say the same about you? Your career success is tied directly to how you treat those around you. While your co-workers will likely be glad to celebrate your accomplishments, what's most important to them is how you make them feel about themselves. That’s human nature! So listen to your colleagues—really listen. Be respectful, considerate, and interested in their achievements. Make it all about them, just like Mr. Walker made it all about me. You may think I'm asking a lot, but you will likely find that what you get back over time will be far more than what you give. Life seems to work that way—even in the world of work and business.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

A Call to Action

Attention, women everywhere: We need to step up our game. The world is a turbulent place - especially right now - and I believe that the connective power of women will make all the difference in creating the change that is needed. One woman coming into her power more fully can have an enormous effect—just imagine the difference we could make if we all came to this realization at the same time! Big changes would take place.

Looking to create change? Awareness is the first step. Ask yourself the following questions:

Where have I been holding back? Is there an idea or insight I am keeping to myself that could make a difference?

What skills, talents, and abilities do I have that I haven't been using? How can I begin to do that?

In general, do I feel a sense of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with myself?

Once you’ve nailed down the answers to these questions, take action. Share your observations with a trusted friend. Create a plan to turn your courageous ideas into realities. Remind yourself that your desire to create change is greater than any fear you might have. Then act, and see your dreams of change come to life.

Go to it, ladies. The world needs your insights, talent, and courage!

Career Coach: Love It or Leave It

It’s 11pm on a Sunday night as I write this, and I’m out on my deck working. Earlier today, I spoke at an event in Atlanta about how to motivate employees to a higher level of performance. I love my job, and it barely even occurred to me until now that I spent a good chunk of my weekend working! What about you—do you love your job? Here are a few reasons employees tend to be happy at work:

They have chosen the right job. They not only can do the job well, but also love what the job requires.

They feel that their work is appreciated and valued. Positive reinforcement goes a long way in determining job satisfaction.

They feel challenged by their work. The amount of work is just right—not too little, and not too much.

They see opportunities for advancement. If not in title and compensation, then at least in terms of challenge and fulfillment.

They have earned autonomy. (Yes, it has to be earned!)

If you aren’t happy where you are, you need to ask yourself the following questions:

Am I in the right job? Do you have the skills to do your job? If not, either develop them or find work that matches the skills you have. Remember that there is no "right" career, only a right career for you—I have coached physicians who hated their work.

Do I feel appreciated? Some bosses just aren’t good at showing appreciation. It's sad, but true. If you would prefer more positive feedback, a different company might be a better fit.

Is my work challenging? If not, ask for more responsibility—and be ready to handle it.

Do I see opportunities for advancement? If not, are you willing to find a job that gives you those opportunities?

Am I willing to take responsibility for my career? You are where you are because of your choices. Your company didn’t kidnap you, and you can walk away at any time.

You spend too much of your life at work to do something that makes you unhappy or bored. When you love your job, everything else in life gets easier. If you think you can’t have a career you love, think again—quit making excuses, and start making progress. It might take a year or two (or more) to discover what you would love to do, to prepare yourself to do it, and to make your goal a reality. But guess what? If you don’t start now, that year or two will be over before you know it, and you will still be in a job that you don’t really want. Commit it doing what you need to do in order to eventually land a job you love. You owe it to yourself.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

Passion Is Stronger Than Fear

When fear grips us, it can keep us stuck—unable to reach out in new ways.  But I have found that when I accept fear, I can take action and move forward in my life from a place of service and love. Most of us are faced with great changes in our lives, be they changes in our place of work or transitions in our personal lives. By being present during these times, we can learn lessons that are transformational.

About a year ago, my father (who is in his 90s) had a massive heart attack. Before then, he had been swimming and reading the New York Times daily. Eldercare was thrust upon my sister and me.  We would have taken a crash course, but none were available—so everything we have learned, we have picked up day by day, making mistakes along the way.

The power of love carried us through, and our passionate commitment to finding the best course of action for our father was greater than the terror we felt. Now, in our visits with Dad, we usually end our conversations with, "love you." The petty family annoyances don't have much room to surface, but the good stuff does!

Passion is stronger than fear

When fear grips it can keep us stuck, unable to reach out in new ways.  But I have found that when I accept the fear I can take action and move forward in my life, coming from a place of service and love. 

Most of us are faced with great change in our lives,  from changes in our place of work to transitions in our personal life. By being present during these times, the lessons learned can be transformational.

About a year ago, my father who is in his 90's, had a massive heart attack. Before then, he had been swimming and reading the New York Times daily. Eldercare was thrust upon my sister and myself.  We would have taken a crash course but none was available, so what we have learned we picked up day by day, making mistakes along the way.

The power of love carried us through and our passion to find the best course of action was greater than the terror we felt. In our visits now with dad, we usually end the conversations with "Love You." The petty family annoyances don't have much room to surface, but the good stuff does!

Career Coach: Bridging the Knowing-Doing Gap

If you're like most human beings, you're probably aware of something you should be doing to improve your career or another area of your life…but you aren’t doing it. You’re smart. Insightful. Capable. Ambitious. Yet you are failing to do something you know to do—something you even say you want to do. What’s going on here?

It’s called the “knowing-doing” gap, and many people struggle with it. Why? Because there is a big difference between knowing and accepting something intellectually and knowing and accepting the same thing on an emotional level. Knowledge and logic do not move us into action—emotion does (ever notice the “motion” in “emotion”?). I bet if you think about it, you can identify at least one area of your life - career, relationships, health, etc. - that you know you should improve, but haven't.

To illustrate my point, let’s imagine that you need to work on completing your weekly reports on time. To help close the “knowing-doing” gap, you might try putting the following six-point plan into motion.

1. Identify the why. Locate the reason why you don’t want to do what you know you should be doing. (“I hate details and drudgery, and writing reports are both.”)

2. Drop the self-judgment. Don’t blow your shortcoming out of proportion. Berating yourself and being overly critical will only widen the gap you want to close. ("This isn't such a big deal. I must be good at what I do overall, or I would be on a performance improvement plan.")

3. Find a motivation. Clarify how you would benefit from your new change and behavior. (“If I got my reports on time consistently, my annual performance reviews would be higher.")

4. Set a measurable goal. Commit to a plan of action. Many people don’t close the “knowing-doing” gap simply because they never make a firm decision regarding how to go about it. ("My report is due on Monday, so I should plan to have a rough draft completed by Wednesday of the previous week.")

5. Accept help. Be accountable to someone. I know of a very successful entrepreneur who uses a personal trainer simply because he struggles with finding the discipline to complete his workouts otherwise. (Tell a colleague, "I'd like to work on getting my weekly reports done on time. Can we check in each Wednesday to make sure I'm on the right track?")

6. Reward yourself. Find a way to celebrate! Don’t tell yourself that you should have been doing “it” long ago—focus on the fact that you are doing “it” now. ("That's three reports in a row I've completed on time. I'm planning a weekend getaway!")

Now that you have a six-step plan to bridge the “knowing-doing” gap, apply it to your own area that needs improvement. Each of these steps is important, so if you skip one and don’t see the results you want, come back and try using all six. Before you know it, there won’t be a gap between what you know and what you do at all.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

Healthcare Leaders Giving Back

The Heathcare Businesswomen’s Association awards luncheon took place this afternoon. HBA supports women in the healthcare industry, and the luncheon was held to honor the group's 2012 winners. Two of the speakers shared sentiments that I found particularly striking.

Michael Kaufman, CEO of the Pharmaceutical Segment at Cardinal Health, received the Honorable Mentor Award.  After being groomed for leadership by a woman at the company, he has become a real champion for women in business. His speech dealt with how equality in the workplace is a two-way street—men need to support their female coworkers, and women need to more readily say yes to opportunities for advancement, even if they don't already have all the necessary skills in place.

Carolyn Buck Luce, Global Pharmaceutical Sector Leader at Ernst & Young, was HBA's Woman of the Year.  She is an authentic leader who discussed the idea of knowing your unique destiny and allowing it to guide you. In front of at least a thousand women and men, Carolyn spoke with passion about the need for collaborative power. She urged women to wield their power intentionally and fully embrace their lives.

Congratulations to both of these strong leaders on their awards, as well as all of the other honorees—including the 2012 HBA Rising Stars. Their teams, friends, and families are lucky to have them!

Dare to Do: The Science of Sunshine

April showers bring May flowers, eh? So far, we're not convinced. Early-onset spring weather awakens a yearning for bare feet, grass stains, and grilled zucchini, but those taunting 80-degree glimpses can make a slow seasonal transition that much more unbearable. Don't let a rainy streak dampen your spirits. Bring a little solar power to each of your five senses with our office-approved recipe for sunshine.

See things in a new light. Feeling glum? A dim desktop could be to blame. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real affliction, and its effects are due in part to the quality and lack of winter light. Consider supplementing your overhead fluorescents with a desk lamp, or decorate with a string of colorful paper lanterns. Just save the tiki torches for your Memorial Day barbecue.

Build a soundtrack that sizzles. If you're allowed to play music on the job, put together a playlist worthy of a highway drive with the windows down. Movie and TV soundtracks are designed to create a mood—lift a California cadence straight from The O.C., or assemble a collection of theme songs from beachy classics such as Baywatch and Hawaii Five-O.

Put your nose to the sandstone. Your favorite citrus basil scented candle might win you a one-way trip to the office fire marshal, but if you rotate perfumes on a seasonal basis, now is the perfect time to make the switch. A whif of tangerine, coconut, or salty ocean air could be just the thing to reel you in from a stressful morning. Hey, can we borrow your wrist for a moment?

Taste the rainbow. What's more reminiscent of summer than the flavor of fresh fruits and vegetables? (Okay, maybe the flavor of vanilla soft serve, but let's be reasonable here). Throw together a summery salad (you'll want to bookmark this article immediately), or grab a tropical smoothie from the cafeteria or corner shop. Just make sure you've got a mug of something steamy on hand to bring you back up to room temperature when you're done.

Touch up your togs. Trendy fruit prints and classic stripes make this spring high season for a summer wardrobe update. For those with more conservative dress codes, embrace the art of contrast—a pop of color won't have your boss seeing red when paired with your standard neutrals. The combination of khaki and electric blue feels particularly current (pun intended).

—Emma Aubry Roberts