Helene Lerner's Blog, page 5

How to Deal with Gossip When You’re the Target

When you enter the breakroom, the conversation stops. You feel the sideways glances your coworkers shoot at you as you walk down the hallway. No one tells you what’s going on, but you catch the vibe. There’s a rumor going around, and it’s about you. How do you silence the rumor mill when you’re the subject of office gossip?

What traps do you need to avoid?

Trap #1: Ignoring gossip can be your downfall
You may feel tempted to retreat to your work station, hoping the gossip storm blows over. You can’t stop gossip by pulling your head into a turtle shell. Wait too long and the rumors turn from mud splashed on your reputation into concrete. 

Trap #2: Reacting backfires 
If you react with angry denials, you throw gas on the gossip fire. React with tears and humiliation and you reward the gossip instigator. Plead for the gossipers to stop, and you give them power.

Trap #3: Don’t collude 
Gossip hurts like a knife slash, but then we twist the knife ourselves by taking what’s said to heart. When mud splashes on you, you wash it off before the stain sets in. Don’t collude with those who gossip by carrying their words home and spending the evening remembering them. 

What can you do to stop the gossip?

Action #1: Confront in the right way
When you overheard gossip or know that others have spread rumors about you, confront it. A simple denial works, “I know there have rumors. They’re not true.”

If you know what’s been said, you can add specifics. “I’ve been working late. Bill has too. We’ve even lunched together when we were both headed out the door at the same time. I know small minds might think we’ve got something going. I know you wouldn’t think that. But, just to be clear, no.”

If you know who’s spread the rumors, you can say, “I’ve heard you’re saying this about me. Why?” or “I’ve heard you’ve been saying….  Since I wasn’t in on that conversation, I’d appreciate you coming to me directly so I can the record straight for you.”

Action #2: Enlist support
Instead of hiding, ask coworkers and others to have your back when you’re not present. Ask your manager, “Can you please help shut this down?”

Action #3: Stop gossipers in their tracks
Want to silence the rumor mill when you’re the subject of office gossip?  Cut off the air that fuels all gossip. Imagine the look on your gossiper’s face if she comes to you and says, “Do you know what ‘X’ said about you?” and you respond, “Let’s go find ‘X’ and have a three-way discussion about that.” 

Or imagine the quiet that would descend on an office if you ask your manager’s permission to tackle the rumor mill and say, “I hear I’m the target of nasty bullying rumors, none of which are true. I hope none of you want to be used in this way, to be co-opted into reputation slander.”

© 2016, Lynne Curry, executive coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @lynnecurry10 or on www.workplacecoachblog.com or on www.bullywhisperer.com™.

The Fulfillment Manifesto

It is your birthright to live a life of fulfillment. Here are our basic rights as women. I wrote this for one of my book and it comes from a very deep place.

To be loved and to love yourself.

It is wonderful to be loved by another individual, to experience that person's warmth and friendship. What's even more fulfilling is to look in the mirror and feel geniune respect and affection for what you see.

To feel secure in yourself.

Peace grounds your inner core. Experiencing this, it becomes easier for you to find the courage to take risks that expand your abilities.

To express your talents.

You unique contributions are needed in the world and you find ways to share them fully.

To have companionship.

You are connected top other human beings who, like you, want to share their joys and dreams, their challenges and triumphs.

To be healthy.

Feeling fit gives you energy and impetus to launch out in new ways. Healthy self-care leads to self-respect.

To live an abundant life.

You are worthy of receiving life's greatest blessings. The only requirement is that you open yourself up to letting them in.

To create your life according to your own design.

You have the ability to follow your inner guidance and create your life as you would like it to be.

From In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self, Helene Lerner

 

 

 

5 Ways to Stop Emotional Abuse

All of us have our off days, when we say and do things we regret. When we feel frustrated and let it out on someone close to us.

We are all human, and as perfect as we wish we could be, we aren't, and make some mistakes. Some of which hurt the people we love. When we are the recipient of this type of behavior, it feels abusive, but this post is not about an occasional slip, it is about behavior that happens a lot without concern for the other person's feelings, with the intention of putting them down.

Here are some signs that you are being badly mistreated and some options if this is happening to you.   

1. You are being belittled. The other person may laugh at you. If you express yourself, make a joke of what you've said, not taking you seriously. You are being constantly criticized by them.

When we are bombarded by this type of negativity, we may believe it is true. But the truth of the matter is that these people feel badly about themselves, and we are just their target, it really has nothing to do with us. 

2. You are being yelled at. No one likes the tone of a raised voice. The sounds around us are so important. If they are soothing (like good music), that can make us feel peaceful. Loud noise can make us feel anxious and unsettled.  Someone who screams a lot is hard to be around. And if they are putting you down, that is doubly invasive. The best thing to do if you are in this type of situation is to remove yourself.

This may cause them to scream louder, but you do not have to tolerate this type of behavior. For example a comeback might be, "Your tone is inappropriate, if you continue like that, I will have to leave."

3. You are being told that you will never amount to anything. We may have suffered abuse as children, or from a boss, teacher, or relative. Whatever they told us are LIES.  It was the perspective of people who did not think highly of themselves. We just happened to get in their way and became the target of their grumblings.

If someone is disparaging, question the statements you are hearing, ask yourself, "Is this really true about me?" Of course, it isn't. When you start to question the reality, you will see the truth about the other person.

4. You are being made to feel guilty (but you haven't done anything). An abusive, manipulative person knows how to make you feel bad. They have been practicing enough--not taking responsibility for their own actions, and putting the blame on someone else.

They also are masters of making you feel like you did something wrong, when you did absolutely nothing to contribute to their distortions. Don't buy into their manipulations. Think to yourself, "Well, I feel guilty, not because I did anything wrong, actually, I am doing something right by not believing what they are saying."

5. You are being compared to someone else, always falling short. Emotional abuse takes many forms. If someone is always pointing out how you just don't quite measure up--it can be a subtle form of torture--chipping away at your self-esteem and confidence. Again, becoming aware that what they are saying isn't true, realizing how limited they are, pinpointing when you may have heard the same messages in the past (and how limited those people were as well), can help.

It is very important to reach out for support to work through the feelings that come up when you are subjected to emotional abuse. A counselor or a therapist can be of great help.

 

 

   

  

 

 

How to Re-ignite the Passion in a Relationship

After you’ve been dating (or married) for a while, things can turn monotonous. What was once so thrilling becomes merely routine. You two fit like jigsaw puzzle pieces, but there’s a spark missing now. Here are some tips on how to rekindle the flame:

Talk and LISTEN
This sounds simple, and you probably do this every day. But this time, really talk. Have a conversation where you’re completely unplugged from your cell phone and all other distractions. Look your partner in the eyes when they speak to you. Andrea Watcher and Steve J. Legallet, licensed Marriage and Family therapists, say, “remind yourself that since what they are saying feels important enough for them to share with you, they deserve your undivided attention.” Keep up the openness. Jane Wyker, a family counselor, thinks “emotional connectedness” is key. “Emotional barriers dim passion,” she says. “The more emotionally open and new and present people are with each other, the more a passionate relationship continues.” She suggests confronting your partner when you feel like something is off. YOU should be the one to start the conversation. 

Reminisce about the good ole days
Think about the times you first started dating your partner. You probably had butterflies in your stomach for a while whenever you talked to them. You can bring those feelings back, just by reminiscing a little bit. Watcher and Legallet suggest: “[look] at your partner through new eyes. Consciously consider the things you like, love, and appreciate. Think about what you would miss about them if they were gone. Ask yourself: ‘What attracted you to your partner in the first place?’”

Share simple reminders
Small statements that affirm your love can make a big difference. Just by telling your partner, “I love you” or “I’m here for you” every so often can strengthen the relationship. Author and psychologist Dr. Barbara Markway describes how: “It’s through a process called ‘kindling’--which means you can produce increasingly large effects with smaller efforts applied over time.” In other words, if you practice baby steps each day, your relationship will reap the benefits in the long run, and it all starts with the little words and gestures of kindness.

- Barbara Bent

5 Surprising Endorphin Boosters

1. Pain
Endorphin is triggered by pain. That’s surprising because we associate it with joy. “Runner’s high is only produced if you run to the point of pain, alas, and that’s not safe to do on a regular basis. Endorphin creates a euphoria that masks pain. In the state of nature, this enables an injured animal to run for its life despite the pain. Endorphin helped an injured cave man look for help. Endorphin is literally “endogenous morphine.” The good feeling soon passes, and then you feel the pain. We need pain because it tells us not to walk on a broken leg or touch a hot stove. We are not designed to cause ourselves pain just to get the endorphin. That’s a very bad strategy because you have to create more and more pain in order to stimulate it. We are better off just being glad we have it for emergencies.

2. Laughter
Laughing triggers a bit of endorphin because it jiggles your innards. It feels great because you’re getting it without obvious pain. But it’s brief. To get more, you have to laugh more, but it takes a real belly laugh to trigger it. How can you get that? It’s hard to predict. Even expensive tickets to a famous comedian doesn’t always work. What you can do is give yourself permission to laugh when you feel like, and make time in your life for things you think are funny. Don’t waste this time on things that crack up your friends and relatives but fail to amuse you. It’s your body and you need to take charge to get that endorphin.

3. Varying your exercise
Exercise is the key to endorphin in most people’s minds, but there’s an unfortunate catch. If you expect a full euphoric “high,” you will have to exercise to the point of pain e very time. Your body will habituate so you will have to go further and further. Bad idea. Instead of striving for pain, you can commit to exercising without the full euphoria. But you can get a bit extra by varying your exercise, because that activate parts that aren’t usually activated. We have three layers of muscles so it takes quite a variety to activate all of them. Many people don’t like to vary their exercise routine, but endorphin will reward you if you do.

4. Crying
Do NOT make a habit of crying, because it triggers cortisol as well as endorphin. But if you feel like crying, it’s good to know that your body releases a bit of endorphin to help you reboot. So go watch Dr. Zhivago and let it out.

5. Stretching
Yay! Stretching is an endorphin boost that’s always available. Moderation is the key. You can’t get a huge boost from a huge stretch just because you got a small boost from a small stretch. But you can do it often. Right now while you’re reading, you can roll your ankles and move your shoulders and enjoy some endorphin. Now your fingers. Now your ears. Keep going.

 

 

- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels

Foods To Keep You Hydrated! Some May Surprise YOU!

It has been really hot and because of that heat, keeping yourself well hydrated is incredibly important to your health. Water is needed by the body for survival. For your organs, cells and tissue to function correctly, the body needs water. Water is used by the body for such things as the removal of waste, keeping the joints well lubricated or even the maintenance of the temperature of the body.  Simply put - water is ESSENTIAL for good health!

You can get your hydration from various sources but did you know an easy way to add water to your day can include the foods we eat? The Ask Dr. Nandi show has some ideas to add to your dinner table and to help you keep that body hydrated.

Butternut Squash
Adding butternut squash to your meal is a great way to add extra hydration to your body. This delicious squash is roughly 88% water and contains over 400% of the daily recommended allowance for Vitamin A which is important for the health of your eyes. Plus, butternut squash has Vitamin C, potassium and manganese.

Cucumbers
Researchers have found that a cup of cucumber can be nearly as thirst quenching as a glass of water because those cucumbers are 95% water. The cucumber is a great diet aid to keep your body hydrated and these vegetables contain some fiber and Vitamin C. Add cucumbers to your diet throughout the day to keep your body well hydrated.

Yogurt
Did you know that delicious serving of yogurt is also helping to keep you hydrated? A regular plain yogurt is roughly 85% made up of water and the fuller the fat content, the more more water there is. Plus, yogurt contain calcium, B12, riboflavin and should contain probiotics. Add that yogurt to your diet in the summer and keep your body hydrated and healthy!

Carrots
Carrots aren't just good for your eyes (at least that is what Bugs Bunny says!). Carrots are made up of nearly 87% water and also contain more of the powerful antioxidant beta-carotene than any other fruit or vegetable. Carrots have been found to be helpful in protecting the body against skin, lung and oral cavity cancer. So grab some carrots and keep yourself hydrated and healthy!

Strawberries
Go ahead and splurge on strawberries in the summer! If you need to keep yourself well hydrated, eat those strawberries because they contain over 90% water. Not only do strawberries help with hydration issues, strawberries have folate which is great for keeping arteries clear and healthy. But get those organic strawberries because a recent study found that organic are more nutritious and flavorful than non-organic.

Grapefruit
That bitter grapefruit may make your mouth pucker but all the water contained inside is hydrating you! The grapefruit is made up of 90% water and a serving contains only 30 calories. Plus, grapefruits have the phytonutrient called limonoids which have been found to help detoxify the body and may inhibit tumor formation of cancer.

Garbanzo Beans
Most people would not think that the garbanzo bean would be great for hydration but 1 cup of cooked beans provide a half cup of water. Not only do you get hydrated but you get the added bonus of protein and half your daily fiber needs. Add some beans to your summer diet !

Broccoli
Many people might be surprised to see broccoli on the list but this crunchy food is made up of nearly 90% water. A study done in 2010 found that broccoli also contains a compound that blocks a defective gene that can cause cells to become cancerous. The compound is called isothiocyanates. Add that broccoli to the diet and keep your body hydrated and healthy!

Celery
Celery contains more than 90% water and only 6 calories per stalk. Plus add in the extra fiber and it is a winning combination. Celery also has folate which is great for artery health and the vitamins A, C and K. Plus, studies have shown that celery can neutralize stomach acid and acid reflux.

Radishes
Add some thing to your diet with radishes and get extra hydration at the same time. Radishes are made up of over 92% water and are incredibly healthy. Researchers have found that this crunchy root vegetable contain many antioxidants. Radishes have catechin, an important antioxidant which is also found in green tea! Keep yourself hydrated and healthy with radishes!

 

 

Partha Nandi M.D., F.A.C.P is the creator and host of the internationally syndicated medical lifestyle television show, Ask Dr. Nandi. Dr. Nandi delivers passionate and inspiring talks to empower the world in his mission, “To Be Your Own Health Hero.”

Health Benefits of Laughter

Everyone loves a good laugh but did you know that “belly buster” or “chortle” just might be good for your health as well?

Laughter reduces pain
Researchers have found that having a good laugh is a great way to reduce pain. Studies have found that laughing not only distracts people from the aches and pains but it helps to release endorphin into your system. Endorphin is the feel good hormone. A recent study found that just 15 minutes of laughter can increase pain tolerance by nearly 10% The researchers found that the endorphin released was very similar to a natural “high” which lead to feelings of calm, and temporary pain relief

Laughter helps depression
Researchers have found that laughter is beneficial to people who suffer from SAD or full-blown depression. Studies have found that the act of laughing reduces tension, stress and has the ability to lower anxiety and irritation. These factors contribute to depression. A study found that using laughter therapy helped to reduce depression in older patients by inducing feelings of well being and aided in improving social interactions.

Laughter is good for your heart
Recent studies have found that people who enjoy laughing and laugh often are helping their heart. Research has found that laughing helps to increase oxygen rich blood flow in your body. Endorphins are released which creates a chemical rush that counters the negative feelings and stress. Studies and researchers have found that laughing is similar to a good workout or listening to music in regards to the release of endorphins.

Laughter helps to burn calories
You might not want to stop going to the gym or that long walk but laughing does burn calories. Laughter isn’t a workout plan but it does add a small assist to the fitness goal. When you laugh, you raise your heart rate and you raise your ability to burn calories. Research has found that having a good laugh can burn between 10-40 calories depending on how hard you are laughing over a 15 minute period.

Laughter is good for your memory
A recent study found that laughter can boost short term memory . Researchers determined that laughter helped short term memory by nearly 25%. Not only did short term memory increase but they found that the level of the stress hormone cortisol was greatly reduced. The study found that laughter may represent a enjoyable and beneficial tool to help battle and counteract age related memory decline in older adult.

 

 

Partha Nandi M.D., F.A.C.P is the creator and host of the internationally syndicated medical lifestyle television show, Ask Dr. Nandi. Dr. Nandi delivers passionate and inspiring talks to empower the world in his mission, “To Be Your Own Health Hero.”

5 Types of People to Stay Away From

Usually, we imagine all of the different kinds of people we’d like to surround ourselves with. Whether it’s a friend or a partner, it’s not hard to think of the good qualities that attract us to them. But what about the flip side? There are many ugly characteristics in people that we need to avoid in order to maintain healthier relationships. So be sure to steer clear of these types:

The narcissist
If you find yourself feeling alone in this person’s presence, they’re most likely a narcissist. They may seem intriguing at first because they practically ooze self confidence. But underneath that layer lies an ugly secret--their self-obsession. Travis Bradberry, an emotional intelligence expert at Forbes, says of narcissists, “you’re merely a tool used to build their self-esteem.”

The critic
No matter what you do, it’s never good enough. It seems like you’re always the first one to blame, because how could this person possibly be in the wrong? While honest feedback can be healthy, these people judge in the worst way--it does no good for anyone. They belittle you and you don’t deserve it! “Judgmental people stifle your desire to be a passionate, expressive person, so you’re best off cutting them out and being yourself,” says Bradberry.

The downer
Nothing is ever quite right in this person’s eyes. They look for the negative in every situation. They don’t celebrate with you, rather, they’re selfish and they try to pull you down and damper your optimism. It’s important to spot these people early before they sneak in with their storm clouds.

The rager
Once they’re in your life it can be hard to get rid of them. Bradberry says, “temperamental people are tough to dump from your life because their lack of control over their emotions makes you feel bad for them…[they] will use you as their emotional toilet and should be avoided at all costs.”

The liar
It can be tough to catch these people in the act, especially if you don’t know them well yet. But once you become familiar with their ways, you must try to listen to your gut and avoid them. Lies hurt, and are can break up a relationship. Honesty and trust connects people, not secrets and deception.

- Barbara Bent

12 Rules of a Strong Friendship

She’s your secret keeper, your unpaid therapist, your sister from another mister. She’s your best friend. But are you as close as you think? Here are 12 signs you’ve got one of the good ones. 

1. She tells you when you’ve got something stuck in your teeth. 

2. Her presence makes even the dullest event, that much more fun. 

3. She doesn’t just tell you what you want to hear. She tells you what you need to hear. 

4. She makes you laugh that unattractive, pee your pants, lose your breath laugh. 

5. In your time of need, she’s by your side. You can tell her you’re fine, but she knows better. 

6. You can talk nonstop and not even realize it. But you can also sit in silence and not think twice about it. 

7. You can ask her what to wear and she’ll tell you to wear that dress you wore last year to your brother-in-law’s mother’s birthday party. Because your closet is her closet, and she knows it like the back of her hand. 

8. She gets along so well with your significant other, you’re basically the three best friends that anyone can have. 

9. She pushes you to do better and be better. But also knows when you need to be reminded that it’ll all be OK. 

10. She’s the perfect combination of sentimental and sassy. 

11. She’s knows that when you’ve had a bad day to have the wine ready for when you get home. And when you’ve had a good day, to have the wine ready for when you get home. 

12. When something really huge happens, you brag about it as if it happened to you.

 

 

- Bre Glynn

5 Comebacks for "Know-It-Alls"

We all know them--they have an answer for everything. What you have to say doesn't really matter, unless of course, you agree with their point of view.

How do you deal with these people so you get your equal share of "talk-time" and the respect you deserve?

Here are some things to say to them on-the-spot. Next time they are going on and on...try one of these:

1. Let them speak and as they start to repeat themselves say, stop them and say, "Did you ever consider?" Keep going and give a long example. If they are not the only one in the conversation, ask the other person for feedback.

2. Tailor your response to the topic in question to things they have already said. Before you offer something new, lead with a sentence they have already used. Quote them exactly if you can.

3. When you jump in, use them as examples to support your point. Actually, flatter them in some way.

4. If you agree with one of their points, build off that to introduce something entirely new.

5. Attack them head on, "John, you have been talking for at least twenty minutes, time to hear from someone else."