Helene Lerner's Blog, page 8

What to Do When You Feel Unappreciated

It’s a familiar feeling--you put effort into your job or relationships, but don’t get much in return. You’re frustrated and need to find an outlet for the feeling. Bottling it up inside won’t do any good. It’s time to get rid of that negative energy in your life. Here are some things to do or say when you’re feeling undervalued:

When you’re at work
In a professional environment, asserting yourself can be tricky. It’s best to be strategic.  But before planning your strategy, reflect on yourself. According to Kathy Caprino, a women’s career coach, the first step is to give yourself appreciation: “The more you can give yourself the recognition and appreciation you’re looking for, the more you stop needing it from the outside.” She suggests setting an intention for the day as soon as you wake up. This gives you direction for the next 24 hours and takes your mind off what you may not be getting in the moment. Showing kindness to your colleagues is empowering as well. Compliment them for their good work, face to face, or through an email.

Working on yourself doesn’t mean ignoring someone who is taking advantage or undervaluing you. For example, if you are feeling that way about your boss, it’s important to say something. Plan for it and be prepared. Try suggesting a weekly or monthly meeting to discuss your projects if that’s not happening currently. At the meeting, be sure to interject your accomplishments into the conversation. See how it goes (analyze what’s working and what isn’t working),  and you will better handle the next one. 

When you’re in a relationship
In personal relationships, acknowledging yourself for all you do is important as well. However, if you feel your partner is undervaluing  you or taking advantage of you, deal with that as soon as possible, and be upfront. Dr. Gary Neuman, a renowned psychotherapist and family counselor, discusses why feeling valued is essential in a relationship: “We deserve and need appreciation for the things that we’re expected to do and depend on our loved ones to recognize our effort. Every ounce of appreciation fills us with great inspiration to carry on.” He says kisses and hugs, when paired with compliments, go a long way. When you are communicating your needs to your partner, talk about what you want but also what you don’t want. A huge part of feeling appreciated is just feeling like you’re being heard.

- Barbara Bent

What You Can Learn From the Relationships That Just Didn’t Work

Maybe it’s the distance or maybe it’s the timing. Maybe he envisions a future on a farm in the country and you want to be in a city. Either way, the relationship didn’t work, even though you wanted to save it. These situations are frustrating, but don’t walk away feeling like it was pointless--there are always some lessons to be learned:

When it was long distance
These relationships are very frustrating. When they work, they work out great, but when they don’t, it can cause a lot of pain. Technology has made it easy these days to stay connected, but someone who’s tried long distance can tell you that a daily FaceTime call just isn’t enough. You learn that physical closeness is priceless. You also learn to value trust in a way you never thought possible. You’re not around them, so you don’t know who they encounter on a daily basis. For this type of relationship to have a chance, a solid foundation of trust is essential.

When someone was too emotionally immature
You may still love that person, but deep down you know you can’t be with them.  In these situations, you realize that sometimes age really does matter, and you especially learn about what you need from your partner emotionally. Maybe you recognize that you only get along with people of a certain age group or someone who has more in common with you. In these relationships, you learn more about yourself than you do about the other person.

When you didn’t get along with the family or friends
You can’t avoid the people who are in your partner’s life. Whether it’s an overprotective mother or a racist sibling, you will have to accept that they’re related. Even if they’re estranged from their family now, those people are part of their past. You want to get along with at least some of their friends too, and if you aren’t comfortable with who they surround themselves with, then it may not be the best fit for a relationship.  

When there are deal-breakers
There are some issues that are non-negotiable at certain points in a relationship. A major one is starting a family. It’s important to figure out these deal-breakers sooner rather than later to avoid hurt feelings. You may really love the person but realize that they don’t envision the same future that you do. From this, learn what your deal-breakers are, and be sure to make them clear before investing too much time in the relationship.

- Barbara Bent

How to Stop Feeling Like an Imposter

Are you plagued with self-doubt? Do you constantly question your abilities and talents? Do you feel inadequate and under skilled - like you're just not good enough? Well, then you are probably suffering from "imposter syndrome," a term that was coined in the 1970s to explain that sense of feeling like a fraud. It's the idea that somehow you are faking your way through your life and that you will be exposed for your fraudulence. It's an unfortunate and all too common feeling for many women, especially those who are working their way up the corporate ladder or starting their own businesses. Here are a few tips for overcoming imposter syndrome:

Give it no power: Understand and accept that feeling like a fraud is all part of your humanity and that you don't have to give it any real weight in your life. In fact, you can play a little reverse psychology with this one. If you are suffering from imposter syndrome, then it more than likely means you have set some high standards for yourself. So, realize the strength in this and use it to propel you forward. 

Stop procrastinating: Sometimes feeling like a fraud stems from your lack of action. Even if no one else knows you're making excuses, you know, and this can make you feel like a fraud. Instead of finding reasons to avoid acting on your goals, take small and consistent action steps to finish that project or accomplish that new task. 

Let go of perfectionism: Recognize that you are someone who sets high expectations and focus your attention on your value, instead of ruminating on perfection. Let go of your self-importance and realize that even if you make a mistake, you will be okay. Remember that mistakes can provide opportunities to learn and grow and concentrate on doing your best job.

Stay clear of comparisons: Every single individual on the planet has their unique gifts and talents to offer. Sitting around comparing yourself to others is a complete waste of time. Instead, give some real time and reflection to your strengths and what you offer. If you have some trouble doing this, ask your closest friends, mentors, and colleagues what they see as your strengths. 

Refer to your prior achievements: When you find yourself focusing on what you think you can't do, recall experiences in which you were successful, even though you initially thought you might fail. You probably have an entire arsenal of memories like this, so use them to mobilize you into the next experience that triggers your feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. 

Create new habits: One of the surest ways to feel like a fraud is to maintain bad habits you really want to change. For instance, you hit the snooze button ten times every morning when what you really want to do is get up before work and exercise or meditate. The longer you take to rid yourself of a habit you want to change, the more you contribute to your sense of failure. When you replace your bad habit with a healthier habit, you reinforce your feelings of accomplishment, thus diminishing the imposter syndrome. 

Don't be afraid to seek guidance: One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to believe that you have to know everything on your own. This is not humanly possible. So, when you need to learn something new or want to grow in a particular area, find support with a mentor, coach, or colleague.

 

 

- Cynthia Santiago, empowerment coach and founder of Latina Wellness

How To Handle Favoritism At Work

You spearheaded a major initiative at work, accomplished the goals of the project, and helped the company gain major recognition in its industry. Your colleague helped get out a mass mailing for the company. Your boss makes a grand show of appreciation for your colleague. As for your work, well, he fails to even acknowledge it. Unfortunately, this is a common scenario in many organizations and can be demoralizing for the unfavored and highly uncomfortable for the favored. Here are some ways you can handle your position, depending on where you fall on the favoritism spectrum.

Take some time to reflect: Whether you are the favored or unfavored, it's important to reflect and evaluate the situation you're in before you jump to any conclusions or take any action. Ask yourself some questions that can help you can gain clarity. Are you jealous of someone else's success? Why is an acknowledgment of your work important to you? What would it mean to be acknowledged? Is there anything that you could do differently to support your team members? Why does your boss recognize your work but fails to support others? What is at the core of this favored behavior? These are just some of the questions you may need to ponder before you consider taking any action. 

Build relationships: You can spend up to eight hours or more a day at work. Therefore, it's important that you have good working relationships with your colleagues. This helps to offset negative feelings that are provoked when a boss plays favorites. So, whether you are the favored one or the unfavored one, having strong relationships with your coworkers will create an environment of support and allow for honest dialogue about the situation. 

When you are the unfavored: Remain authentic to how you want to be perceived in the workplace and keep working hard. Don't allow your supervisor's behavior to keep you from being your best professional self. It is equally important that you not mistreat the favored. In general, that person doesn't have any more power than you do to change the behavior of their boss. Therefore, holding a grudge against that person will not in any way advance your cause and will only create additional tension in the workplace. Instead, consider how you could approach your boss directly, and diplomatically address what you're experiencing. 

When you are the favorite: Being the favored one has its own difficulties and can cause your co-workers to become resentful of you. While you cannot control how others behave, it's important that you maintain your professionalism and that you remain humble. You can also take the time to show and demonstrate appreciation for your colleague's work. By doing this, you offset some of the negative feelings that come from the favoritism and help create acknowledgment for your colleagues. As the favorite, it is also important that you try to avoid the benefits that can come from being in this position. If you find that your boss is skipping others for deserved benefits, then, you can politely suggest that your colleagues receive the benefit first.

 

 

 

- Cynthia Santiago, empowerment coach and founder of Latina Wellness

How to Find Courage to Start a Tough Conversation

Speaking up can be scary. Whether it’s talking to your boss, family, friend, or partner, communicating clearly about a big issue sounds daunting. The alternative, of course, is to say nothing at all, but that won’t be helpful. It takes a lot of guts to stand up and demand to be heard, especially if it’s a sensitive issue. Next time you have something important to discuss, keep these steps in mind:

Identify your fear: Don’t repress or deny it. What’s really bothering you? If you’re feeling nervous, that’s normal. Know that you can move forward even if you’re afraid. The fear, in fact, can make you stronger. When you feel afraid, it shows that you’re stepping outside your comfort zone, which is healthy for growth.

Think about the listener: Take inventory of how you really feel about the person you’ll be talking to. If you really care about them, you’ll want to evolve the relationship rather than dismiss it. List some possible reactions they might have and think of ways to address those statements. 

Role play: Practice having the conversation with someone else to make you more comfortable. Prepare responses to any arguments you think the person might have. Watch what they do. Are they trying to argue with you or do they agree with what you said? Whatever they do, respond to them in the moment.  

The real approach: Now that you are prepared, engage with the person you need to address. As you have these tough conversations, you’ll be more equipped to speak up when you need to with other sensitive issues. Endorse yourself for having the courage to address the issue.

Listen: Once you have said all you have to say, be receptive of the other person. Pay close attention to their response and don’t get defensive. Did your preparation help? Though it’s important to prepare what you have to say, addressing the situation with an open mind and really hearing what the other person has to say will make the tough conversation easier for you both.

- Barbara Bent

What Your Guy Friends Can Teach You About Men

For a woman, having a great male friend is priceless. These guys are laid back and simply a joy to be around. You know you can count on them to have your back. It’s a different dynamic than your relationship with women, and they can teach you a lot about the male species:

They’re honest: No matter how many hours you spend with your girlfriends dissecting your recent conversation with a man, they won’t get it as well as your guy friend does. They don’t beat around the bush when it comes to giving their opinion of him. Be sure to introduce the two at some point, too. You might want to think twice about the relationship if you’re dating a jealous man who takes you away from your guy friends. 

They love the real you: When you’re with your guy friends, they want to hang out with the “real” you--they love your authentic self, that’s why you’re friends in the first place. Some women think they have to put on a front to impress a man. When you’re spending time with your best friend, he reminds you that you don’t need to be fake to impress people. Joking around with him reminds you that you want a partner who loves all your quirks.

They communicate differently: Miscommunication can plague a relationship. If you have a good guy friend, you’ll realize that men sometimes think differently than women do, so they may not catch subtle signals that we send out. You say what you mean to your male friends, so why not do the same to a guy you’re interested in? Playing games can be flirtatious, but it’s not a foundation to support a lasting relationship.

They’re around when times get tough: If your guy friends can show up to be with you when you need them, then so can a potential boyfriend. When you’re looking for a partner, find someone who will be there to support you when you need it, just like your best friend. Your male friendships remind you that you deserve love and respect from ALL men. 

- Barbara Bent

4 Ways to Keep Your Anxiety at Bay

Anxiety is difficult to deal with, especially when it comes on without any warning. It can be triggered by situations happening in the present, as well as things that bring up memories from your past. To get a handle on how to deal with it, the following may prove helpful. Of course, there can be deep-rooted causes, and working with a therapist, counselor, or another healthcare professional is advised.

1. Focus on the sensations that are coming up. Do you have tightness of breath, are you feeling sweaty--whatever it is, become of aware of your sensations. You want to get in touch with what is going on in your body. 

2. Watch what you are telling yourself. Actually, listen to your inner dialogue. What is your fear telling you?  Note if that is making you feel better or worse--more than likely it's making you feel worse. Awareness of what is actually going on will help. 

3. Now, make a decision to do a few things to help ease the anxiety.

If you are feeling a tightness of breath, for example, start to breathe as deeply as you can. If your mind is overthinking and leading you nowhere, just STOP. Physically, sit down if you are standing. Call a friend or someone you trust, explain what's happening and ask them to just listen. Then, together, isolate the thoughts, one by one, and affirm the truth, not what your "fear" is telling you will happen. For example, Terror Talk: "I have never done this, I am going to fail, and will be so embarrassed."
Affirming Talk: "I haven't done this, and although I am scared, I can reach out to several people, who can help me complete it successfully."

4. Remember the past. Think of several times when you felt a similar way, and you were able to alleviate the anxiety and go on with your day. What did you do, who helped you during these times, and how did you feel afterward? Bring these situations to mind and tell yourself, “I can do this.”

Everyday Habits that Make You More Attractive

We all want to shine and do our best, be successful, and be acknowledged for our talents and skills. There are negative habits that keep us stuck, as well as positive ones that create more success in our lives. Although it feels uncomfortable to change, once we know what works and what doesn't, it is easier to make the right choices. Here are some things that work.

Change the channel. The knee-jerk reaction for many of us is pessimism. Someone slights you, the news of the day is all grim; it’s easy to get swept up into the negativity. Like a television, you can flip the switch and turn to another station, one of positivity.

Exercise each day in an “inner-gym.” We take care of our bodies by strengthening our muscles. What about taking time each day to "grow" your inner muscles. Every experience, good or bad, brings with it learning. During "tough times," we are forced to use resources we never thought we had. We all know this, but sometimes when we are going through a difficult situation--it is hard to keep positive.

Truly caring about another person, without self-interest. Even if there is  no payback--would you help someone if you could? The answer for many of us is YES. We don't want others to suffer if we can help. Own your graciousness; your big heart makes you quite beautiful.

Keep your words positive. It's great to be around people who make you feel good. How do they do it? Watch the use of words. They offer praise a lot. And when you are receiving it, you'd just like be around them.

Why not me? People who are attractive think they are capable of doing "big things." They go the extra mile, think to themselves--I haven't done this before, but of course, I can give it a shot. They may be terrified about doing it, but they put one foot in front of another, and proceed.

What Mature Women Want from Any Relationship

Mature women have been through good times and bad, usually with their eyes wide open, learning from their mistakes to grow into the women they are today, They have experienced what they don’t want in relationships, which has taught them what they do want.

Someone who tells the truth.
Honesty really is the best policy. Lack of honesty creates drama, and can sometimes lead to a woman doubting her gut. Even little white lies can hurt and make them question how truthful the other person will be when a bigger problem arises. Of course, the truth sometimes hurts, but they would rather move through the pain than be deceived.

Someone who is loyal.
A mature woman sizes up situations and people. If she has a good feeling about you, she will be open and kind, expecting the same in return. She prides herself in being loyal, and that is what she demands of the people in her inner circle.

Someone who will go out of their way for people they care about.
She goes the extra mile because she realizes that she is most happy when she does. She likes giving with a full heart and not holding back. If she sees that someone is “all get and no give,” she won’t continue to spend all of her energy on them, and will find someone who will reciprocate the effort. 

Someone who doesn't expect perfectionism.
She puts a lot of pressure on herself to be the best version of herself she can be. And, although she would like to ace everything she sets out to do, she knows she can’t always do that. She is kind to herself even when she doesn’t quite meet her goals. She expects herself and others to do their best, nothing more, nothing less.

Best Ways to Deal with Nasty People

Horrible, nasty people--who has patience for them? We are told to forgive, try to understand them...it is so hard, isn't it? When all else fails, here are some things that are worth a try--again, the focus here is your sanity, no one else’s.

Remember: it has nothing to do with YOU!
Their nastiness is not caused by you. When you feel yourself becoming defensive, you're letting them get to you. DON'T. Your mantra: "It's them, not ME."

Stare at them.
Don't open your mouth. Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they have created a reaction in you. Just stare blankly at them.

Picture them as a child.
Isn't that “little boy or girl" acting out of sorts. Somehow, when you picture them as little rascals, they have less of a chance to get a rise out of you.

Don't waste your precious energy.
You have better things to do than let them get to you. Use your energy more productively.