Helene Lerner's Blog, page 10

How to Handle Subtle Put-Downs

How do you react to subtle but demeaning behavior at work? It could be someone rolling their eyes at you, checking their texts when you're talking to them, or a senior manager taking more questions from the men in the group and discounting the women. Instead of tolerating such behavior, do this:

Call it what it is. Unacceptable behavior should never be excused or enabled. Don't minimize it, explain it away, or call it anything other than what it is; unacceptable behavior. If you're not sure, find someone more experienced and ask them.

Deal with it immediately. Resist the temptation to "wait and see if it happens again." If you're in a group setting when this behavior happens, talk to the person privately the first time. Give them the benefit of the doubt, but be very clear you won't tolerate their behavior a second time.

The next time, confront the behavior when it's happening in the group. Be prepared for the person to accuse you of being the problem--don't get distracted. Focus on the unacceptable behavior.

Document the behavior. Keep a record of what happened (who witnessed it, how many times it's occurred and how you dealt with it). If you need to, you will be able to make your case to your boss or HR.

 

Practice the two strikes rule. The first time you address the unacceptable behavior, tell the offender that in baseball three strikes means you're out--but they only get two strikes with you. Either the behavior will stop after you confront them the second time, or you will report it to your boss and HR.

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

How to Handle People Who Intimidate You

Intimidators can spot weakness from a mile away. If they sense your fear, you’re more likely to be their target. Stay positive by remembering that these people in your life can offer you a chance to grow. Here are tips to remember when you feel powerless in someone’s presence:

Stay calm and cool: Don’t show them you’re bothered. Let their rudeness roll off your shoulders. Take deep, slow breaths as you count to ten to get your mind off of the situation. Practicing self-control will give you the upper hand.

Put yourself in their shoes: Understand why they act this way. A painful past or stressful job could be the reason for their aggression. Psychotherapist Michelle Farris, owner of Counseling Recovery, reminds us, “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control and you can’t cure it.”

Stay away if you can: Avoid their presence as much as possible. Only interact with them when you have to. But when it comes to getting what you want or need, don’t shy away. Instead, practice being assertive and starting with statements such as “I feel…” or “I understand your position, here is what I think…”

Don’t be defensive: You may want to lash out, but keep your frustration in check. Be the bigger person and don’t fight fire with fire. “Ironically, you can learn a lot about boundaries from [these individuals] because they are skilled at getting what they want,” says Farris. 

Kill them with kindness: Being bright and cheery can throw them off. But this method can only succeed if you have self control. Otherwise, the “kindness” becomes overly passive aggressive and leads to hurt.

- Barbara Bent

5 Signs You Found Someone Worth Keeping

Finding the right person takes patience. But when they come into your life, you’ll see how different they are compared to partners in the past:

You’re always excited to see them: You count down to your next date, whether it’s been a day or a week since you last saw them. And, it doesn’t matter what you do together -- you have as much fun going to dinner and a movie as you do ordering takeout and staying in for the evening. 

You share similar values: You don’t necessarily have to share a religion or political views, and you might not agree on everything, but you respect each other’s opinions. Your core values are important -- do you want kids? are you willing to live together before getting married? how do you handle your finances?

You love them for their eccentric habits: Most people say you should love someone despite their annoying habits, but as Ted said on How I Met Your Mother, ”Shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kinda likes them?”

You don’t question their actions: You trust them and don’t worry that they’ll lie or cheat on you. Trust doesn’t happen overnight, but they have proven to you that they’re reliable and honest.

You can see a future together: You might not be ready to get married and have kids (and maybe that’s not in your long-term plan at all), but you can see the relationship lasting more than a few months. More importantly, you talk to each other about what you want and have similar goals.

- Barbara Bent & Britt Parsons

How To Stop Overthinking, Worrying, and Doubting Yourself

Being in a constant state of worry can cause you to over-analyze every decision you make and create tremendous self-doubt. With worrisome thoughts ruling your mind, you will find it incredibly difficult to realize your goals, dreams, and aspirations. After all, how can you motivate yourself towards action if you are in a perpetual state of doubt? 

Therefore, it’s important that you put your worrying mind at ease with these practical techniques:

Stay in the present: Anxiety is created when we are constantly looking to a future that has not yet arrived. While it's always important to plan for the future, this is vastly different than constantly worrying about the future. In the wise words of the great spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, "Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be. " If you keep this notion at the forefront of your mind, you will quickly come to understand that there are no problems in the present moment.

Give yourself a reality check: Think about how much time you have spent worrying about things that never actually happened. If you get honest and real with yourself, you will probably find that many of the hours you've spent in turmoil over what could go wrong never did go wrong. So, when you find yourself in worry-wart mode look to your personal experience as a reminder that most of the things you have worried about never actually came to pass. 

Monitor your thoughts: Disrupt your negative thinking and stop being overly critical of yourself.  It's like putting dirty gasoline in a car and expecting it to run effectively and efficiently. To create a better sense of who you are in the world, you must fill your mind with positive thoughts about yourself. Stay consciously aware of your thoughts and if you find yourself being critical then shift the thought to a kinder, more compassionate thought. 

Take one step at a time: When you are feeling overwhelmed by a task or project, create a list that will allow you to see what you need to do and take action. Anxiety and worry often stem from the nagging feeling of knowing that you have been procrastinating. Creating a list of action steps unburdens your mind from holding that list, but the key here is to take small steps on a consistent basis to accomplish what is on your list. 

Keep things in perspective: If you find that you are afraid to move forward on an idea, goal, or dream because you are afraid to fail, remember that not trying at all is the real failure. If you try something, and it doesn't go well the first time, then it's an opportunity to learn and improve for the next attempt. This shift in perspective will help you realize that you really can't fail. 

 

 

- Cynthia Santiago, empowerment coach and founder of Latina Wellness

How to Get a Sensitive Person to Trust You

Either you are one, or you know one, or both. Highly sensitive people are the deepest, kindest people, however, they can turn on you in the blink of an eye if they feel threatened. They can misinterpret what you say, or take it personally, whatever the case, they can be difficult to deal with. Here are some tips to gain their trust.

1. Use touch. If you use words that can be misunderstood, make sure to show how you really feel with gestures. Touching them on the shoulder or reaching out for their hand (if appropriate) can do wonders.

2. Understand them from the "get-go." Beware aware of how they can take things and choose your words wisely. It's an added precaution that can help avoid conflict.

3. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Don't be quick to judge them if their reaction is off. It can get frustrating when they don't understand what you really meant and take it the wrong way, but you are bigger than that. 

4. Praise them a lot. "Let something good be said and let it begin with me..." I have heard this often in spiritual settings, and it works all the time. Everyone wants to know what they are doing right. It doesn't cost a thing to acknowledge their strengths. And it will make them feel good.

5. See the trait in you. You probably have a degree of sensitivity in your character. Everyone does. Put yourself in their position. Know that an uncalled for reaction on their part has little to do with you, and everything to do with them.

6. Let them know you are in it for the long term. Tell them how much you care about them, and that you believe the two of you can work out small grievances. You are not running away from the challenge, and are committed to growing the relationship.

5 Ways to Stop Overthinking and Stressing Yourself Out

Does anyone ever tell you that you think too much? That you’re making a big deal out of nothing? Are you having trouble making a decision because you keep changing your mind before it’s made up? If you feel overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious about something, you might be overthinking. Here are some tips to help you chill:

Understand the root cause
More than likely, if you’re overthinking something, it’s because you are afraid of making the wrong decision. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as fearlessness. If you are thinking about doing something that is outside of your comfort zone, it’s NATURAL to feel afraid. You are entering unfamiliar territory. Once you realize that fear is normal you allow yourself to stop worrying about making a mistake.

What’s this really about?
Do you have a big decision to make and you keep going back and forth? A pro-con list can help you see what benefit you can gain from each option. Do you know what your endgoal is, but you can’t figure out exactly how to get there? Write down everything that needs to be done to get you where you want to be, and make a plan. Once you put everything that’s in your head on paper, you can sort through the chaos that your mind has created and start to make some sense of it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff
Now that you’ve written down all of your thoughts, take a step back and look at the big picture. Are you hung up on one minor detail and losing sight of what’s important? Remember what your mission is. You’ll never get there if you don’t STOP thinking and START DOING.

Exercise
As Elle Woods said, “Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy…” No matter what you’re down about, a good run or an hour of yoga will make a world of difference. Physical activity will give you a chance to step away from the problem for a while, put you in a better mood, and, in the long run, improve your health.

Listen to your head or your heart?
For people who think too much, it’s almost impossible for us to listen to our hearts. Sometimes, however, our heart can tell us much more than our heads. Did you make that pro-con list? Did you feel a pang of disappointment when you saw that it made more sense to go with option 1? Go with your gut.

How To Stay Positive When You’re Surrounded by Negativity

Embodying and maintaining a positive attitude in your workplace can be challenging when your work environment feels negative and emotionally draining. Here are five surefire ways to arm yourself in positivity, and keep the negativity at bay:

Start your day right: Before you even step foot in the office, it's important that you find ways to feel good. Consider how you currently start your day. Are you starting your day by listening to dreadful news reports on the radio or television? Instead, as you start your day find ways to fuel up on the positive. Listen to your favorite upbeat music or find podcasts or audiobooks that invigorate you and put you in a good mood. Similarly, on your commute to work, engage in an activity that lifts your spirits. 

Beautify and decorate your workspace: Whether you're in a cubicle, office, or have a desk in an open space, it's important to surround yourself with things that hold meaning for you and help you feel good. Some of these items can include pictures, inspirational quotes, and plants. Creating a workspace that inspires you and connects you to good feelings will help keep your spirits high and keep you motivated. 

Remove yourself from workplace gossip: Many of your fellow colleagues may stand around the proverbial water cooler to discuss all the things they do not like about work and complain about their co-workers. Gossip is one of the greatest erosions of positive emotions and you should take all measures to neither contribute nor participate in this detrimental energy zapping activity.

Express appreciation and gratitude: Thanking your colleagues for their work and expressing appreciation on a regular basis is a small act with a huge impact. The value of utilizing this as a practice with your coworkers, when it comes from a genuine and sincere place, will help cultivate positive feelings in the workplace and benefit the entire work community.

Practice random acts of kindness: Think about it. How pleasurable does it feel when you do something good for someone else? Creating random acts of kindness can be as simple as surprising a coworker with their favorite cup of coffee. Such simple acts in the workplace will create pleasure for you, the giver, and bring joy to the receiver.

 

 

- Cynthia Santiago, empowerment coach and founder of Latina Wellness

How to Let Go when you want to Hold On

LET GO...HOLD ON...LET GO...HOLD ON...LET GO...HOLD ON...LET GO...HOLD ON...

HOW DO I DO IT?

Letting go of people who aren't good for us, situations that we've outgrown, jobs that no longer serve us, sometimes isn't that easy.We know we "should" be able to, after all, don't we deserve something better? "YES". But do we fully believe that?  There may be a part of us that feels unworthy of something better, guilty for leaving "them" behind, (whoever that is).

How do we muster up the strength to act in our best interest? This may help.

1. Realize that you've outgrown whatever story your telling yourself. Who you are today, was not who you were a year ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. We change whether we want to or not.

Sometimes the "old story" hangs around though--it may not be playing as loud as it once did, but it's there--lurking in the back of our mind. We must be strong and realize it for what it was--remnants from the past.

2. Fight wanting to feel "Safe". It may seem easier to hang on to the "imagined" safety net of who we were. If we do, we don't have to go out there and experience all the uncertainties that the future holds for us. We like to feel comfortable, but at what price? Have the courage to take a risk and not play it safe. Be committed more to your growth and exploring your talents, rather than playing "small."

3. What do you really want? Deep down, reflect on your "spiritual purpose".  What is it you are supposed to do in this life, apart from your job or the people you engage with daily? Don't accept vagueness or not knowing.  Even if this is not obvious to you now, make a commitment to find out. (If you do, things will start opening up and become clearer).  When you connect with this very deep part of you, it's easier to let go of the past and accept the excitment of new opportunities that are ahead.

4. Walk on the "light" side.  Don't be so serious. Don't take things too personally. Don't OVERTHINK! Spiritual teachers say to "wear the world like a loose garment." Start smiling more, even if you don't feel like it. Act as if you do, and you make start to feel happier, and not know why.

     

 

  

  

What Confident Women do to Conquer their fears move forward and succeed

We all feel fear at times, we wouldn't be human if we didn't. How we handle our fears determines our success or failure. Confident women approach fear in the following way. Can you relate?

1. Fear means I am growing. Stepping out of my comfort zone means that I am taking a risk and trying something new.  I may succeed or I may not. In any case, I will grow from the experience.

2. I can feel shakey and move forward anyway. Discomfort is not a reason for stopping.I accept that when I move forward in a different way, it is not going to feel comfortable.

3. I can get through this. I know what it feels like to face the unknown. And I recall others times when it felt exactly the same way--I stuck with it--and succeeded.

4. I set the example for others. When I am courageous I show others that it is okay to take action and not stay stuck in doing the "same old, same old."

5. There are more reasons to proceed. I take inventory of the risk (what are the pluses and minuses if I go forward)--and if it looks like I should move ahead, I do. 

 

 

What Strong Women Really Want in a Relationship

When you have been on your own and are used to taking charge of your life, you are not willing to settle for less than you deserve.  So your standards are high. You "would like" a relationship but you do not "need" one to make you feel whole.

Here's want Strong Women are looking for:

1. An equal, someone to share life with. Strong women give of themselves--at the office, in the community, with family and friends.  They are looking for a male counterpart, someone who also has a full life.

Won't put up with...Someone who doesn't carry equal weight.

2. Someone with a positive attitude. Gratitude, acceptance, and looking at the glass as half full, not half empty, are traits she possesses and would like to see in her significant other.

Won't put up with...Someone who tries to bring her down.

3. Someone who carries his own weight. She has no problem "caring" for someone else, but she does not want to "take care" of someone, meaning someone who expects her to do most of the work. A relationship is a two-way street.

Won't put up with...Someone who is acting like a child.

4. Someone who is fun to be around. Laughing is a great stress-reducer and when people have full lives, with all the challenges that entails, having a sense of humor is important.

Won't put up with...Someone who is too serious and inflexible.

5. Someone she can count on. When he says he will do something, he does it. Her partner has integrity and takes his commitment's seriously.

Won't put up with...Someone who doesn't follow through.