Helene Lerner's Blog, page 7

How to Boost Your Energy After a Bad Night's Sleep

It’s tough to rise and shine after a night of tossing and turning. The worst is feeling exhausted and knowing you have a full day ahead. But here are some tips that can help get you the energy you need to put your nose to the grindstone:

Expose yourself to sunlight: Dr. Matthew Edmund, a sleep specialist, says that exposure to as much sunlight as possible after a bad night of rest can be beneficial. He said the light makes you more alert and can help reset your biological clock.

Physical activity: Just 5 to 10 minutes of brisk movement can get you going. If you’re at work, try using a bathroom that’s farther away. If you have time, going on a quick morning jog or opting to take the stairs can really help.

Catnap: Be careful not to doze off too long--15 or 20 minutes is all you need to wake up more refreshed. Any longer and you can suffer from “sleep inertia,” which is when you get groggy after your body enters deeper phases of sleep. Try wearing an eye mask or use a washcloth to block out any light. 

Get your caffeine fix: Sip coffee or tea throughout the morning and early afternoon to keep you energized. Be careful not to drink any later in the day, as it can stay in your system for a while and keep you from falling asleep later that night.

Snack smart: After getting a good breakfast that mixes proteins and healthy carbohydrates, be sure to keep some healthy munchies around. Nuts, veggies, and hummus can be great options because they’re high in nutrients and can provide you with steady energy all day long.

For the next night…Plan to recover from a bad night’s sleep with a more restful one tonight. Try to go to bed when you normally would--not earlier--you don’t want your biological clock to get out of whack. Be sure to complete your nighttime routine (brush teeth, lay out tomorrow’s clothes, read for a bit) before your head hits the pillow.

- Barbara Bent

These Things are Major Turn-Offs for Almost any Woman

Strong women won't tolerate abuse, which comes in many forms. They get their strength from speaking up when they feel something is not right. They may be afraid to do so, but they know to keep silent will hurt them in the long run.

Here are 5 behaviors that are unacceptable:

1. Cheating--Actions speak louder than words, and a person may say one thing but do another. They believe actions and don't deny was actually happened.

2. Lying--Intuitively, we know when someone is speaking the truth or lying. They trust their gut and don't look back.

3. Talking behind one's back--Cowards don't face a person. They have no tolerance for that. They demand that if someone has a problem, they tell them to their face.

4. Stealing--Nothing more needs to be said.

5. Putting someone down--Relationships are about honor, support, and care, not pulling someone else down because you don't feel good about yourself.

6. Name calling--Small minded people use words to blame and shame, when they can't be direct and find the courage to let someone know how they really feel in the hopes that both parties can compromise.

What Can You Learn from How He Treats Others?

There are many ways to learn about your partner’s personality besides just having a conversation. Pay attention to subtle signals--actions speak louder than words. For example, how he treats those around him speaks volumes about his character. Here are some common interactions to look out for:

With his family
Is he close with his siblings? Does he hug his parents when he sees them? Time with his family is a great opportunity to peek into the window of his world. This is why it’s important to get to know your partner’s family. If he treats his parents with love and respect, this could be a positive sign. If he’s always complaining about his sisters or gets in fights with his mom a lot, that could be a warning. However, these are not predictable truths, they’re just little signals that could lead to other discoveries about him.

When there’s a crisis
Whether you’re the one needing his support or he’s the one in need, pay close attention to his actions. When you need him, does he come around? When he’s the one in trouble, does he seek your help or does he isolate himself? Or when his best friend is going through a tough time, how does he react? Each person handles stressful situations differently, so this is a great indicator of his true personality.

When he’s speaking to a waiter
In a situation where someone is serving the two of you, keep your eyes open, watch if he is considerate or not. If he treats that person with disrespect or contempt, he may not be the person you wish to be around. Also, if he’s sarcastic and ostentatious, you can probably tell he’s trying to impress the people around him. You want someone who treats people well and with respect, not someone who is over-the-top.

When his patience is tested
It’s tough to be patient, and many people aren’t very good at it. How does he behave when things don’t go his way--whether it’s a long line to get into a restaurant or sitting in rush hour traffic, how does he respond.

With your family and friends
How he treats your loved ones probably matters most to you. You’d like him to be kind and genuine. However, that isn’t always the case. If he acts like a totally opposite around the people you care about, that’s a sign you should pay attention to. If you see he builds a relationship with your brother or asks about your mom every so often, that’s a good sign.

- Barbara Bent

Ways to Instantly Feel Better About Yourself

When the outlook seems bleak and you’re feeling down, it can be hard to envision a happy ending and you’re probably having a tough time picking yourself up again. When this happens, keep these tips in mind.

Your thoughts are more powerful than you think 
When you indulge negative thoughts, you keep yourself negative. Try to catch yourself, and question the thought—actually ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Most of the time, it isn’t. Keep your mind open to new ways of thinking about things, train your mind to be more positive. 

Put your fears and disappointments into perspective
We all experience disappointments, it is how we deal with them that is important. Don’t dwell on the past.  Look at what the disappointment has taught you—what have you learned so that next time when you face a similar situation, you may behave differently. Also, be sure to endorse yourself for being willing to face your fears and  a step out in a new direction. It may not have produced the result you wanted, but you did it, instead of staying stuck.

Don’t let criticism get you down
When you work hard, you don’t like to hear people voicing negative comments about what you did, especially when nothing they are saying is helpful.  Don’t let their words get to you. People who find fault usually don’t feel very good about themselves, and it is easier to pick on you to avoid dealing with their own life.   

Give yourself some TLC
Be kind to yourself.  You deserve it, even if you don’t feel that way right now. Take a walk in nature, read a good book, prepare a delicious meal--any little thing that you enjoy. These little ways of pampering yourself can make a difference. 

- Barbara Bent

How to Move Through Your Trust Issues

Relationships are built on trust. So when that has been betrayed, it can be hard to put your faith in someone else. However, you will eventually need to face your fears in order to move on and build a healthy bond with your next partner. 

Reflect
Take as much time as you need to explore the reasons you distrust other people (if this is a recurring theme in your life, it may be best to consult a counselor or therapist if you haven’t yet). It’s difficult to explore things that have been hurtful, but in the end it will make you stronger. 

When you’re ready to move into a new relationship, know it will have its challenges, but don’t try to suppress any feelings that may come up.  

Think from their perspective
Before you get worked up about something they did, consider their perspective first. After being lied to in one relationship, you can easily become more sensitive and vulnerable. So be sure to let the person explain their side when you bring up your concerns, giving them a benefit of the doubt. This will be tough at first, but it’s something you’ll have to do in order to move past your trust issues.

Communicate your feelings
When you’re starting a new relationship, let your new partner know how you feel. Being up front makes for a more honest relationship. If they do something to upset you, share how you feel. Don’t expect to gain any ground if you’re not up front and honest. 

Be aware
Be careful not to make the same mistake again. You may find yourself dating the same type of person who betrayed you. Be wary of behavioral patterns--do they act the same way your ex did? More importantly, if you find yourself giving that person a second chance, be extra cautious. This time around, they should respect your concerns. If they’re still acting the same way, say goodbye for good.

- Barbara Bent

6 Signs That You're Giving Too Much and Not Taking Enough

Women tend to be the givers, with their families, at the office, with friends. But when is it too much--when do we cross over the line and become angry, frustrated and depleted, because we are not getting our fair share?

Here are some the ways you can tell, and when you know, it's time to do something about it.

1. You're angry and you can't put your finger on it. Too many requests come your way, and who is there for you? For one day, just to convince yourself, actually write down the "asks" and see if and when you have requested things from other people.

2. You feel down, lack of energy. This really is not like you, why are you so depleted? It seems to have crept up on you.

3. Friends who are the people you feel comfortable in going to for help, haven't heard from you in a while. Reflect on why that is.

4. You have difficulty sleeping, thinking too much. Overthinking and worrying are sapping your energy.

5. Everything seems bland. Even the things you are passionate about seem just okay, and when you talk to people about them, there's no excitement.

6. You're making dumb mistakes which is not like you--that's because you are having a hard time concentrating.

The first step to changing this and reversing the imbalance is to become aware that there is a problem, ACCEPT it, then ADMIT it to someone else (there is strength in numbers), and take ACTION to change it.

How Loving Yourself Can Change Your Life

Tracy McMillan, television writer and relationship expert, wrote a blog post in 2011 for The Huffington Post that went viral. It chronicles 6 reasons why she says women aren’t married even when they really want to be. One of her strong messages was that as women, we need to love ourselves first. This will set the stage for more fulfilling, authentic relationships with other people. Here are some of her suggestions:

Love where you are right now, no matter what. 
Before you can love someone else, you need to love and accept yourself at this very moment. Take pride in your work, love your body, and give yourself some credit. Maybe you just suffered a big disappointment in your life; you lost your job or you’re having financial troubles. Be supportive of yourself, just as you’d be supportive of a spouse who’s suffering. Macmillan says, “Realize that you’re whole right now….” There’s no man, job, or circumstance that can make you feel more whole.

Embrace your past and your flaws.
McMillan advises that you face your flaws and take comfort in yourself when you’re in pain. Ken Page, a New York-based psychotherapist who specializes in intimacy and spirituality, suggests that we learn to love ourselves, with our flaws. “...Sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved--precisely in the places where we feel most unsure and most tender.”  He believes that you need to address the parts of yourself that you hide from the people you date and work through those feelings. Eventually, you will need to share them with a partner so you both can grow together. 

By loving yourself, you learn a new way to love.
When you begin to nurture yourself, you come from a different place and are looking for a long term relationship for the right reasons. You don’t focus on if “he” liked you, but whether you felt great after the date.

- Barbara Bent

How To Get Someone To Stop Bad-Mouthing You

People who talk badly about you behind your back are the "worst" type of negative people. They are cowardly and won't say what bothers them to your face. So if they deny what's really going on, how can you have any impact? Here are some things you can try:

1. Do your homework. If you don't know the person well, get to know everything thing about them. Is it just you that's the target of their negativity, or do they do the same thing with other people?

What is underneath? Are they insecure, frightened of something they are dealing with? Why YOU? Are you doing anything to evoke their passive-aggressive behavior?

2. So what's really going on? What is their gripe with you? Ask someone you have a good relationship with if they could enlighten you. When they tell you what's being said about you, try not to get defensive. Is there an element of truth in it?

3. Does the person who is talking behind your back get along with anyone? There probably is someone. Study the nature of their relationship. Is there anything you have learned about how to approach the person in question?

4. Role-play with an ally. Get someone you trust to spend about half an hour with you. Tell them everything you learned about the person in question and map out a strategy about how to approach them. Then take action--what have you got to lose? If things remain the same, so be it. Just keep doing your work and don't focus on their "small stuff." At least you tried.

5 Comebacks for Someone Who Bullies You

Stop the bully dead in his tracks.

Signal you’re not easy prey.

Don’t feel humiliated by a remark that catches you off-guard and travels with you all day in your mind.

You’ve got a dozen reasons for wanting a quick comeback that wards off the bully in your work or home life. Except…when you’re in the line of fire, your mind goes blank. The bully launches a pre-emptive attack and you stammer, blush, and find yourself speechless.

No more. In Beating the Workplace Bully and my consulting practice, I coach those targeted by bullies how to handle bully attacks. Here’s one true story and six tried and tested comebacks you can use:

A new client called me, “Another manager and I are vying for a promotion. Corporate will choose one of the two of us.  Every two weeks we present reports from our departments. He sits near the podium, and when come to the front of the room to speak, he says something that totally knocks me sideways.”

“Like what,” I asked.

“Yesterday it was ‘fat thighs.’”

“How did you handle it?”

“I didn’t. I was flustered and botched my presentation. Later my boss asked ‘What was that all about?’ And I couldn’t tell him. How could I let him know I couldn’t handle Tom?”

We brainstormed two dozen comebacks. Here’s what happened two weeks later. My client walked to the front of the room, and her sniper whispered, “You have a big butt.” 

She responded, “And, that matters to you, how?”

Those around him laughed and my client gave her presentation, hitting a home run.

If you face a similar bully gunslinger, arm yourself. Here are some of my favorite comebacks.

“Pardon me?” said with a look of genuine surprise as if you can’t believe the bully said what he’d said.You can couple it with, “Is that the best you can come up with?” with a look that says “maybe you can do better next time.”“Once was kind of funny, but twice is old.”“Are you done?”“Game over. No points.”

Want to try? Imagine this scenario in your mind. A bully looks at you and asks “Where did you come up with this crap?”

Now, imagine you’ve heard that, and you take a breath and say, “Pardon me?”

What can the bully say now? 

Imagine the bully says, “What, something the matter with your hearing?”

You calmly answer, “No.” 

 

 

 

© 2016, Lynne Curry, executive coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @ lynnecurry10 or on www.workplacecoachblog.com or on www.bullywhisperer.com™.

Why You Don't Have to Be in a Relationship to Be Happy

If you’re in a healthy relationship with a good partner who treats you well, that’s terrific. You deserve this happiness. However, many women suffer from stigmas associated with being single. Jennifer Aniston’s recent piece in the Huffington Post got us thinking about the pressures put on women and how some people think that if women don’t fit into a certain mold--being in a relationship, having a “perfect” body, yearning to be a mother--then something is “wrong” with them. People voice their opinions on these issues in subtle and blatant ways. Either way is very disconcerting.

Happiness is individual
In the post, Aniston addresses the notion that a woman’s happiness is often expected to follow some societal “norm”--she should look for a mate by a specific age, she should dress and appear a certain way, etc. She has shown that a single woman who wants to pursue her career is not an unhappy woman.  And it doesn’t mean she never wants to have kids and a husband. Now married to Justin Theroux, she is enjoying her new life. Despite what the media thinks, she’s NOT expecting a child, and she’s okay with that. Says Aniston,“This past month in particular has illuminated for me how much we define a woman’s value based on her marital and maternal status. The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children.” Aniston goes on, “We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child….”  Each of has a right to define what makes up happy.  Happiness can be found in many places and women need to understand that it’s OK to embrace your freedom.  

The “standards” are set too high
Aniston also talked about body image. “The message that girls are not pretty unless they’re incredibly thin, that they’re not worthy of our attention unless they look like a supermodel or an actress on the cover of a magazine is something we’re all willingly buying into,” says Aniston. And it’s true. In the check-out aisle of a grocery store, we’re bombarded with photoshopped images of models on magazines. We see these images on TV, on social media pictures, in our sleep, practically. These messages are everywhere, but it’s our choice whether or not to accept them. We have the power to determine how we want to look and what we want to eat. There’s a huge difference between being “skinny” and being healthy. We should encourage healthy lifestyles, not the need to look stick-thin to be accepted.

The bottom line is, we determine our own happiness. We make choices at different stages of our lives and those choices should be respected.

- Barbara Bent