Helene Lerner's Blog, page 14

5 Ways to Make the Most of Being Single

Life has a lot to offer when you’re not in a committed relationship. Though you may see couples around and long for what they have, being alone is healthy. Here are some ways to cherish this time:

Be with friends and family: This is a perfect opportunity to reconnect with special people in your life. 

Go on dates: Get to know as many people as you can before you settle down. You’ll learn a lot about your likes and dislikes in the process.

Check things off your bucket list: Now is the time to be spontaneous. You’re not committed to anyone and don’t need permission, so do what makes you happy.

Learn to be your own best company: Knowing how to be okay alone is an important quality to have because at various points in your life, you’ll experience loneliness. 

Let love happen naturally: It may be tempting to jump into another relationship because you feel alone. But if you do that, you’ll be missing out on the present moment, so don’t go looking for love, it will come to you.

- Barbara Bent

5 Things You Should Never Do After You've Broken Up with Someone

You’re newly single and the world is your oyster. Maybe you’re not quite ready to move on, or maybe you are. Regardless, NEVER make these post-breakup mistakes: 

Get revenge: Showing you’ve moved on is better than getting back at them.

Seek out their new partner: Don’t waste your time trying to figure out what your ex is doing with their life or who they’re dating. Focus on you.

Have sex with someone else to prove a point: Don’t sleep with the next person who takes you out. You might regret it.

Reach out to your ex: Repeatedly calling or texting that person will hold you back when you should focus on moving forward. 

Find a new partner right away: Let your heart heal. There is no reason to commit to someone new immediately.

- Barbara Bent

5 Ways to Cope When Nothing Seems to be Going Right

Life is unpredictable. Tough situations can arise at a moment’s notice. Here’s how to handle the times when all you want to do is run and hide:

Fake it: Instead of sulking, force a smile. 

Consider the worst possible outcome: Thinking about all the things that could go wrong can make you see that what’s going on in the moment isn’t that bad.

Ask for help: Don’t be embarrassed to reach out.

Look for beauty: To relax your mind, find something pleasant to fixate on. Maybe it’s a butterfly outside the window or a song on the radio.

Count your blessings: Thinking of three things to be thankful for can take your focus off the struggles.

- Barbara Bent

3 Times Honesty Hurts More Than it Helps

Most of the time, honesty is the best policy. However, there are some exceptions:

It can be a tool of aggression: Even if someone’s telling the truth, they might do so for the sole purpose of hurting someone else because they’re angry. People abuse truth-telling to build themselves up, while tearing others down. 

You can hurt others by mistake: Being honest can sometimes hurt feelings without you realizing it. You probably wouldn’t want your boyfriend telling you that a dress makes you look fat, even though he’s being upfront with you. The key is showing compassion when you tell the truth.

The truth isn’t the same for everyone: There’s a difference between fact and opinion. If you only speak your truth, you may be shutting out those who think differently.

- Barbara Bent

5 Ways to Comfort Yourself when You're Feeling Lonely

We are all told that it's okay to be alone. In fact, you need to be if you are going to feel whole and complete on your own. But what about the times when you've been alone a lot, and you feel sad or depressed. How do you handle those?  Here are some things to remember.

1. It's okay to ache. Yes, sometimes you just ache inside wanting the pain to go away. Don't deny that you are feeling this way.

2. Nothing lasts forever. You know what everyone says, it won't always feel like that. It still hurts, but knowing that there will be an end to this, helps.

3. Think of how lonely it is to be with the wrong people. You don't want to be with just anyone, you want to be around people who nurture and honor you--and you do the same for them.

4. Put yourself in intensive self-care. What is something special you can give to yourself, that will make you feel good? Just do it, indulge, even if you weren't planning on the purchase.

5. Who isn't around that you love? Bring to mind someone you love that may be away. Indulge in the fantasy of them being right beside you.  Recall how great that has felt.

 

 

3 Ways You Draw Negative People to You Without Even Knowing It

No one wants to attract negativity. But subconsciously, there may be things we do to make us vulnerable to negative people:

You ignore hurtful qualities: Even when people let you down a lot, you choose to ignore the pattern. You give them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t deserve it.

You’re too quick to trust others: When you put faith in someone right away instead of getting to know them, it’s easier for them to take advantage of you.

Conversations are one-sided: You’re the listener and they can dump their emotional baggage on you, so be wary. 

- Barbara Bent

Things to Remember When You Feel Lost

It’s easy to lose sight of ourselves in the throws of daily life. Stress and anxiety cloud our thinking and confuse our sense of purpose. Keep these tips in mind when you feel lost:

Look back: Think about what you’ve accomplished so far. Trust your intuition to guide you to new opportunities.

Reflect deeply: What are your dreams? What are your passions? What do you really want?

Find a new perspective: Be courageous and step out of your comfort zone. Look at your situation from a different point of view. 

Confide in others: Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. Getting another opinion could give you the support you need.

- Barbara Bent

4 Signs Someone is Taking Advantage of You

You work hard to achieve your goals, so you don’t want to be exploited by others. Here are signs to look for to stop those people in their tracks:

They don’t own up to anything: These people are usually in denial. They never admit their mistakes, and try to make you doubt yourself.

Manipulative: They often “guilt trip” you into doing them favors. 

Play dumb: When you bring up a point, they pretend like they don’t know what you’re talking about. They might even call you “crazy.”

They only give you attention when it’s convenient: They’ll purposefully ignore you on occasion. They’re out for themselves, so unless they can use you in some way, they may avoid you. 

- Barbara Bent

3 Ways To Tap Into Your Emotional Intelligence

It’s been said that your talent, experience and I.Q. might get you into a job, but if you want to do well, you need more than that. In his 1996 book, Emotional Intelligence, Dr. Daniel Goleman explained the “more than that” had to do with being self-aware, managing your emotions, having empathy for others, and having the ability to connect with and influence others. The truth is, no matter how good you are, school is never out when it comes to emotional intelligence. Here are three ways to tap into yours:

Don’t be overconfident
The more we hear from others how well we do with our communication, relationships and in leading ourselves, the easier it is to get complacent. Ask friends, family, and co-workers to give it to you straight. “What are my blind-spots” when it comes to my emotional intelligence? Do people love to be around me because of my high energy but sometimes wish I wouldn’t talk so much? We all have blind-spots but few people seek to find out what they are. Do that and your E.Q. will rise.

Make journaling a habit
A large part of emotional intelligence is knowing yourself. Everybody thinks they do and that’s a mistake for most of us. Journal every day or once a week, whatever works for you, but journal. You’ll be surprised what you learn about yourself, your emotions, your concerns, how you respond to adversity, how you respond to good fortune, and so on. Journaling will uncover aspects of yourself you're not aware of and that will raise your emotional intelligence.

Challenge yourself
How emotionally intelligent are we if we stay in our comfort zones? I find it easier to get along with my close friends than with those whom I don’t naturally click with. That’s understandable. But if I want to grow my E.Q., I need someone who isn’t so easy for me to listen to, work with, or collaborate with. We could all benefit from challenging ourselves to find ways to grow our emotional intelligence.

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

5 Deal Breakers That End Any Relationship

When embarking on a new relationship, we tend to focus on the qualities we love in the other person. But it’s just as important to consider the ugly qualities that you wouldn’t be able to tolerate in a partner. According to one study, these situations almost always result in a breakup:

Too needy: It’s important to be able to stand on your own instead of always relying on your partner.

No sense of humor: Keeping a relationship fun and lighthearted is a key to make it last. 

No self-confidence: It’s hard to be attracted to someone who thinks so little of themselves.

Bad sex: Physical chemistry is necessary for a lasting relationship.

Addiction: Substance abuse or engagement in addictive behavior are difficult circumstances to deal with long-term.

- Barbara Bent