Helene Lerner's Blog, page 18

6 Things Your Partner Really Wants to Hear from YOU

Apart from I LOVE YOU, what are the things that make your partner feel cared about and special. Take a look at our list and comment if you like with others.

 

1. You matter most to me.

2. I love the way... (fill in the blank--something that they do that pleases you).

3. Although I don't "need" you, I love to spend time with you.

4. I think you're great to look at.

5. We have such fun, don't we?

6. I want to grow old with you. 

 

 

4 Ways of Handling Annoying People

Handling someone who really gets on your nerves sounds like a feat, especially if you come in contact with that person every day. You don’t want to be disrespectful, but their behavior can be hard to stomach. Here are 5 ways to handle these people in your life:

“Kill” them with kindness: Though you’d rather release your frustration, it’s important to remember to keep it cool around that person, especially if it’s a boss or a coworker. Maybe you don’t see eye-to-eye, but sinking to their level won’t work.

Detach from them: If they’re too much to handle and you know that staying calm would be a challenge, simply keep your distance and try to let their negative energy roll off your shoulders. 

Be brief and to the point: You have to deal with this person, but you don’t have to be their best friend. If you can, plan your interactions ahead of time, know what you’re going to say, and always let them know the amount of time you have to deal with the issue. 

Have compassion: Try to put yourself in their shoes. Why are they annoying? There must be something going on with them to make them insecure. If you really think about what that might be, you may find yourself having more patience with them. 

- Barbara Bent

The Difference Between Being Nice and Being a Pushover

Many of us have been raised to be “nice.” There’s nothing wrong with being kind, but if you’re accommodating more than you should, and not getting your needs met, there’s a problem. So here are scenarios when people are asking more of you than they should be and if you say “yes,” you’re being a pushover.

At work: You’ve been working overtime for the past two weeks. Once again, your boss asks you to work late tonight. However, you’re having trouble finding someone to watch the kids, they say they miss seeing you. Your spouse is growing irritable because you’ve been missing dinner every night. What should you do? The pushover would say yes to the boss and work overtime, because they’re too insecure to deny the request. Try this: Say to your boss, “I’ve been working late hours for two weeks and neglecting some personal responsibilities. I’m very committed to the job and can work late three days a week. Which days would you prefer?” 

With friends: Your best friend is in a tight financial situation. She asks for money on a regular basis and you’re the one treating her to lunch each week. While you love her and want to help, you can’t keep supporting her financially. The pushover would stay quiet and keep giving her money because they’re too apprehensive to speak up. Try this: Say to your friend, “I love and support you, but I cannot continue to pay for you. However, I am more than happy to help you find an alternative solution.”

With your significant other: Your partner comes home each day with something new to complain about. You feel like every conversation is centered around them and they are not asking you how your day was or how you’re feeling. You feel neglected and undervalued when they dominate the conversation. The pushover wouldn’t speak up because they’re too afraid of their partner’s reaction. Try this: Say to your partner, “I love you and I know you’re under a lot of pressure, but lately, it’s all about you and I feel you don’t care what I’m going through and I know that’s not true.”

- Barbara Bent

 

7 Quotes to Help Soothe the Pain

“Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.”
– Kevyn Aucoin

“Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse.”
– Regina Brett

“Experiencing sadness and anger can make you feel more creative, and by being creative, you can get beyond your pain or negativity.”
– Yoko Ono

“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”
– Maya Angelou

“One day I looked at something in myself that I had been avoiding because it was too painful. Yet once I did, I had an unexpected surprise. Rather than self-hatred, I was flooded with compassion for myself because I realized the pain necessary to develop that coping mechanism to begin with.”
– Marianne Williamson

“Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It is originally an unlearned feeling process. Keeping grief inside increases your pain.”
– Anne Grant

“Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.”
– Mary Tyler Moore

4 Things To Remember When People Are Trying To Shame You

Shame is that feeling you have when you feel you don’t deserve to feel good about yourself. It’s the feeling you have when you think you’re damaged, flawed or broken in some way as a human being. If the shame is deep enough, you fear you will never measure up. The sad thing is, there will always be people who will try their best to shame you into their way of thinking or to control you in some way. 

Here are five things you need to know about shame and self-worth: (Two things you should know about yourself and two things you need to know about others if they try to shame you.)

You are not your behavior
When you were a child there were countless times you did things that frustrated, disappointed or even angered your parents. In their best attempts, it’s hard for parents to respond to a behavior without giving the message, “You’re a disappointment to me” or “You’re bad” rather than “What you did disappoints me” and “What you did was bad behavior.” Know that you are not your behavior. You (your essence) are more, much more than your behavior, as important as behavior is. 

Your inner worth never wavers
Never confuse your behavior with your inner self. Your core self, your essence and your inner worth doesn’t go up or down depending upon how you behave. Your self-worth is constant. More than that, if you want to change or improve any behavior, it’s easier to do so when you come from a place of respect and honor for yourself. Trying to shame yourself with criticism or self-rejection will only make it easy for you to find a way to punish or unintentionally sabotage yourself.

Nurture your self-respect based upon your constant inner self-worth and you’ll find it much easier to change any behavior you want. That’s true if you want to “lose weight,” get a better job, increase your income or get along better with others.

You have a right to your dignity
No one has a right to assault your dignity and worth. Not your boss, your life partner, your friend, or even you. They have a right to talk with you about your behaviors but they also have a responsibility to do so in a way that supports your worth as a person. No one has a right to call you a name or to attack your dignity:

“You’re lazy.” “Can’t you do this one simple thing I told you to do?” “Don’t question me, just do it.” “Don’t forget, I can easily replace you—and I might do that if you don't shape up. “If you wanted it badly enough you’d find a way to do it.” “What’s the matter with you?” 

You can protect and defend yourself
Standing up to someone attempting to shame you is far easier when you believe you deserve to stand up for yourself. If you feel “less than” the person shaming you, you'll feel like you deserve their disrespect. The only solution is to know you have a right to be treated with respect.

Then you can say, “No, I’m not lazy. The problem is you want me to do something I don’t want to do. We can either work it out or not, but you need to change how you’re talking with me.” When you respect yourself you can say, “There’s nothing wrong with me but there’s plenty wrong with how you’re talking to me.” When you know your worth and expect others to know it as well, you’ll be able to protect and defend yourself against shame attacks on your dignity and worth.

Bonus Tip: Shame Proof Yourself

Nurturing your self-worth is a life-long practice. Here are eight ways to build your shame resilience:

•    Read a few pages from a book (or listen to an audio book) that helps you see yourself to be the amazing person you are. Begin this habit today and if you miss a day or a week, pick up where you left off.

•    Attend a webinar or seminar that will help you deal with “difficult people.”

•    Remind yourself daily, “I am not my behavior—I am much more than that.” (Tape that to your mirror where you will see it every day.)

•    Focus on and celebrate what you like and respect about yourself.

•    Learn to replace self-criticism with supportive and empowering self-talk.

•    Limit or get rid of relationships that tear at your sense of self-worth.

•    Stop trying to be worthy of your own respect by being “good enough.” Know you are good enough now and use that positive energy to change any behavior you’d like to.

•    Meditate for three minutes a day upon a loving and affirming thought about yourself.

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

5 ways to help yourself feel good when you are feeling bad

No one wants to feel bad.  In fact, when we do, we may tell ourselves we aren't feeling that way. However, if we don't acknowledge how we really feel, we will get ourselves into even more trouble. Because, eventually what we are denying probably will come to the surface with a vengeance.

So what exactly can we do to help ourselves when we are feeling less than perfect?  Here are some tips.

1. Don't judge yourself. Don't make matters worse but blaming, shaming, or telling yourself that you are doing something wrong. You simple aren't feeling your best self.

2. Watch past and future thinking. Try to stay in the present. Actually pinpoint your sensations--tightness in the chest, dry mouth, etc. That will help to bring you in the moment. Usually when we indulge our thoughts about a past mistake, or something ominous that hasn't happened yet, we get ourselve more anxious.

3. Be kind to yourself. What is the most loving action you could take to feel better? Is there a special meal you could make yourself? A special song you could listen to? Be gracious to yourself.

4. Always, always remember that nothing stays the same. Yes, it's hard to believe when we are in the thick of things, but the way you feel now will not last forever. 

5. Bring to mind something sweet about yourself. They say, people will treat you the way you treat yourself, so acknowledge something special you might have done this week. It can be the tiniest accomplishment. 

 

5 Things to Do When No Matter What You Do Won't Please Them

You know those people, you try so hard to please them, but you CAN'T. Instead of acknowledging what you've done right, they pick out what you did wrong.

Being around them can drive you crazy. So how do you handle this type of person? Read on.

1. Let them know you care. Even if it wasn't done perfectly, let them you gave it your best shot. These people have such high standards (especially for themselves), that they are NEVER content.

2. Accept that you will not please them.  Instead of trying to "get it right", know that you CAN'T.  And that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

3. Be good to yourself. Acknowledge what you did and the effort you put in to making it happen. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

4. Don't let them drag you down. Don't get caught up in their "perfectionisn." What they want of you doesn't exist!

5. Get on with the next thing. Don't stay where you can't please, move on and share all your "good stuff" with someone else.

Signs You Need to Really Take a Break NOW

Being alone sometimes carries a negative stigma. People don’t want to feel isolated. Loved ones don’t understand why you need to be by yourself (and they take it personally). But we all need alone-time. Sometimes nothing is wrong and we just need to take time out to recharge. However, there are times when we are stretched so thin that if we don’t detach, we may do things that we would regret later on. These subtle signals in your mood will tell you when you need a break:

Anxiety
If you’re wound up tight, you probably need to pull back. Being around others may cause more stress.

Anger
Instead of letting your anger erupt, sometimes walking away and cooling down is the way to go. You can reflect on what’s going on and choose appropriate action.

Impatience
You have a short fuse and little things that wouldn’t have bothered you now seem monumental. You’re making mountains out of molehills. 

Panic
You’re projecting the worst case scenario much of the time. You lack perspective and feel overwhelmed by it all.

Time for a break.

Here’s a video about how to be your own “good company”:

- Barbara Bent

10 Quotes to Remember When You're Feeling Lonely and Blue

To feel alone and melancholy is not a bad thing. When this happens, it’s important to let yourself embrace these emotions. These reminders show that there is no shame in feeling this way:

“The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Jung

“We never taste happiness in perfection, our most fortunate successes are mixed with sadness.”
- Pierre Corneille

“Boredom, anger, sadness, or fear are not 'yours,' not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you.”
- Eckhart Tolle

“Sadness flies away on the wings of time.”
- Jean de La Fontaine

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.”
- Douglas Coupland

“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.”
- Honoré de Balzac

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
- Dr. Seuss

“Tears are words that need to be written.”
- Paulo Coelho

“Don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you.”
- Lauren Conrad

“I do not believe anyone can be perfectly well, who has a brain and a heart”
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

5 Things to Remember When You're Feeling So Sad

Sadness hurts, and we all suffer from time to time. But don’t let it pull you down. Here are some things to remember:

It’s OK to feel: Sometimes when we’re sad, we just need to cry without explanation (we may not feel entitled to do that). You have to give yourself time and do what feels right.

Time heals: Though you may feel lost and unsure of yourself, remember that tomorrow is a new day. Being around someone who cares about you can be a good thing.

Appreciation: When you’re feeling bad, it may be difficult to call upon what you’re grateful for in your life. But that practice can balance even the saddest of days.

Your pain matters: Even if you can’t identify exactly why you’re feeling down, know there is a reason. Don’t feel the need to have to justify yourself to anyone.

Channel in: Reflect on why you feel this way. Unveiling the root cause can help you work through it.

- Barbara Bent