Helene Lerner's Blog, page 16

9 Quotes to Help You Get Over a Breakup

Ending a relationship hurts, especially if you were the one who didn’t want to cut ties. Time heals, so allow yourself to grieve and carry on. These reminders will hopefully dull the pain:

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
- Mark Twain

“I took a chance, I took a shot and you may think I’m bullet-proof, but I’m not. You took a swing, I took it hard. And down here from the ground I see who you are”
- Taylor Swift

“You cannot be with someone just because you don’t want to hurt him. You have your own happiness to think about.”
- Melissa de la Cruz

“You can obsess and obsess over how things ended—what you did wrong or could have done differently—but there's not much of a point. It's not like it'll change anything. So really, why worry?”
- Jess Rothenberg

“It is strange how often a heart must be broken; before the years can make it wise.”
- Sara Teasdale

“Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars.”
- Violeta Parra

“Sometimes a little heartbreak is a lesson, and the best thing to do is just learn the lesson.”
- Jon Voight

“Heartbreak is hard, but you find more and more things to be grateful for every day.”
- Olivia Culpo

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”
- Steve Maraboli

5 Ways to be there for a Friend Who's Fatherless

Father’s Day is tough for those without dads. Their fathers may have passed, or simply aren’t a part of that person’s life anymore. As a friend of someone who’s fatherless, knowing how to support them is important:

Put yourself in their shoes--how would you feel without a father?Don’t make it a big deal--let them take the lead.Listen if they want to talk about it.If you’re complaining about your own father, watch your tongue.Be sincere--don’t say, “I’m here for you” unless you actually mean it.

 

- Barbara Bent

Why Holding On Holds You Back (3 Ways To Let Go)

You’ve put your heart and soul into a dream, but your priorities shifted, and your dreams are on the back-burner. Because you’re holding to this never-to-be dream, you’re not present to the life you now live. 

You cling to anger, or fear, or the past.  

Are you a holder-oner?
Do you hold on more than you need to? Why, and what does it cost you?

Here’s how to know you need an emotional/mental spring cleaning.

 

You frequently reference the past. You use past experiences as a justification for your current actions. You hold on to an old hurt, going over it again and again in your mind.You just can’t let go – of things, old relationships, grudges, or habits that no longer serve you.

 

Holding on holds us back; the past dominates your present and limits you, draining your energy. When you bring anger, bitterness, or doubt forward into new relationships or experiences, you stay stuck. 

Have the life you want by being present to the life you have.
Letting go gives you freedom. And you know how to do it -- What do you do before moving to a new apartment or house? You let go of things, giving them away or selling them. 

If you hesitate, ask yourself, “if not now, when?” When will you let your children play outside unattended? How will you safeguard the situation or let them develop independence? When will you drop the grudge? When will you decide the past no longer matters, that you’re not the person you were, and you can leave those memories and history on the banks of the moving stream that is your forward journey.

3 strategies 

Create closure
Write a letter about the situation or person. You don’t need to mail it, just get your thoughts on paper, seal it in an envelope, and file it way. It’s done. Decide you’ll no longer pick at that scab or turn the situation over and over again. You’re DONE.

Gain from it
What’s the lesson or insight you’ve learned? What did it mean to you? What do you get from holding on to the memory? Is the memory moving your forward or holding you back? Does it create value or burden? Once you decide what you’ve learned from the person or situation, your insight becomes your springboard for growth.

Forgive
Forgive the other person -- you’ve made mistakes too. Most importantly, forgive yourself; what you did was the best you could do at the time. The gain? The heavy gray storm clouds vanish, leaving a clear sky.

 

 

© 2016, Lynne Curry, executive coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @ lynnecurry10 or on www.workplaceocoachblog.com or on www.bullywhisperer.com™.

4 Ways to Confront a Liar

There are times when we know that someone isn’t being truthful, but we may deny it. Other times, it’s crystal clear and time to address it. Here are some ways to do that:

Do your homework: If you have a keen sense that you’re being duped, be sure you can support your accusation. Pointing fingers without solid evidence will only set you back. 

Observe and listen up: Pay attention to their body language and how they tell their story. If something doesn’t seem quite right, it probably isn’t. Ask a question and throw them off guard.

Let them know how you feel: Showing them how their actions affected you may lead to the truth.

Hold them accountable: Reinforce to them that deception is hurtful and that you’d rather they be honest.

- Barbara Bent

5 Ways to Get You Out of Your Funk

We find ourselves in this position from time to time. We want to move forward, but we’re mentally stuck. One expert said, “slumps were the mind’s way of making room for the birth of new ideas.” These steps should help you move through your resistance:

Shift your focus: Sometimes a change in perspective is all it takes. Try a new hobby or mix up your daily routine. Taking a different route to work in the morning may be enough to spark your senses again.

Cancel some plans: It’s a period to reflect and not feel obligated to attend every social event. This will allow you to take control of your day.

Reassess: Take inventory of what you’ve accomplished and tasks you still have to do. Then ask yourself, is there a better way to make the most of your time? 

Make a bucket list: Give yourself something to look forward to. Feeling hopeful can lift you out of the muck.

Be patient: It’s tough going through a funk. Allow yourself to feel frustrated, but know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. 

- Barbara Bent

7 Behaviors of Pessimistic People and How to Turn them Around

Seeing the glass half empty is no way to live. Negativity is contagious, so adapting a positive attitude can make life more fulfilling. Here are some habits of pessimistic people and how to stop them in their tracks:

Victimization: A pessimist will see themselves as the victim in almost every situation. They seek pity, but don’t possess the strength to make the situation better. Realizing that nobody’s perfect and that bad things happen to everyone can help create a positive outlook.

Ignoring their own problems: We must all be held accountable for our actions. Owning up to our mistakes by being honest and apologizing is important.

Too competitive: Healthy competition is a good thing, but we can’t win all the time. Seeing the lesson in the loss will move us ahead.

Jealousy: Comparing ourselves to others only sets us back. Acknowledging what we have keeps the focus on our own lives.

Impatience: Anxiously awaiting the future means we lose the opportunity to make great things happen today. 

Avoiding others: Negative people tend to isolate. Time for yourself is important, but being antisocial isn’t healthy. Planning time to be with loved ones makes us feel good.

Complaining: This habit focuses attention on negativity.Counter each complaint with three blessings.

- Barbara Bent

5 Habits That Destroy a Relationship

Couples experience ups and downs every once in awhile. No partnership is perfect, no matter how long you’ve been together. But these 5 habits can quickly lead to a relationship’s demise:

Not making time: Even if you both have busy schedules, set aside time to be together. Don’t treat it as a chore--have fun! 

Being too passive: A relationship is a two way street. If you’re always waiting around for your partner to make a move, it looks like you’re not interested.

Hooked to technology: Sometimes we use phones or the TV as a distraction from the real issues in the relationship. If you don’t talk about what’s bothering you, nothing will change.

Overly relying on your partner: It’s one thing to feel comfortable with them, but it’s another to take them for granted. Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate their love and support.

Petty fights: Couples argue, that’s life. Constant nagging will get you nowhere and only lead to resentment. These quarrels become sources of contention that could mean trouble down the road.

- Barbara Bent

5 Ways to Recover from a Breakup that Hurts Like Hell

Often the last thing we want to hear after a breakup is “just give it time and you’ll be fine.” While that may be true, it doesn’t do much to help the intense pain we feel now, in this moment. For the breakup that hurts like hell- whether it happened last night, last month, or last year- there are things we can do to ease the hurt and encourage healing. 

1. Accept your process
You may need to be alone and cry for a while. You may need to spend a long weekend with friends and family who love you.  You may need to go out dancing every night. You may need all of the above. Be open to what is positive and helpful during this time. Allow yourself to feel, accept what is, and let it be. "Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, accept and learn from it.” — Unknown 

2. Write three letters
Write three letters you will never send. First, write a letter expressing everything you’ve been feeling after the breakup- the hurt, the anger, the sadness. Let it all come to the surface. Second, when you are ready, write a letter acknowledging the lessons you have learned from this relationship, and express gratitude and thanks for what you have gained. Every relationship can teach us something to help us grow. Finally, write a letter to your future partner. You can include the journey that has led you to them, how much you love them, and even what you love about them. “I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” ― Anne Frank

3. Get into a new relationship immediately
With yourself! Put the time and energy you spent into the other person into yourself. It’s likely this relationship has changed you, so get to know yourself now. How have you changed? Do you want to reclaim anything about yourself that was lost? What do you love? Become an expert on you. "Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself."  — Unknown

4. Plan things to look forward to
Have things on your calendar that you are excited about. From watching your favorite show on Netflix after work to the getaway you’ve been dreaming about for the past year, make plans to start creating new positive memories and an exciting future. “There’s no reason to look back when you have so much to look forward to.” — Zig Ziglar

5. Believe in the good things to come
Remember this, and know “the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” -Eleanor Roosevelt. There are good things to come!

 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson, Parent Educator and Positive Youth Development Specialist

Why You Should Stand Your Ground and 4 Ways to Do It

When something is important to you, you don’t want to be swayed. Don’t give up on the things you consider significant. It’s one thing to feel slightly uncomfortable, but it’s another when your integrity is seriously compromised. When people invade these boundaries, you have the right to speak up. Here are 4 ways to stand your ground:

Change the subject: When you’re uncomfortable, bring up something else to redirect the conversation. 

Walk away: If you’re having a discussion (and even changed the subject) but the person is still nagging you, just leave. Say you had to run somewhere, don’t feel obligated to stay and listen to them.

Stay composed: If their words offend you, you’re likely to tense up. Acting out can put you in a vulnerable position for being attacked. Remain calm, but firmly assert your point.

Talk in private: When you feel it’s crucial to speak your mind, try to schedule a time to talk later. Addressing people in public about sensitive issues isn’t wise.

- Barbara Bent

4 Ways Pain Changes People

Everyone suffers pain at some point in their lives. It may be fleeting or all-consuming, but either way, it hurts. And over time, it can cause subtle changes in behavior--not for the better:

Trust less: When we’re broken, it can be hard to put faith in anyone, even our loved ones. We become wary and afraid that something terrible could happen again.

Overthink more: We tend to dwell on the negative when we’re feeling hurt. Simple decisions suddenly become complex and overwhelming.

Shut people out: Our first instinct is to put up a wall. We need time to be alone and let the wounds heal.

“Catastrophize”: After suffering trauma, we may start to focus on the worst case scenario. It’s more than anxiety and can make the pain worse.

During these times, it’s better not to be alone. Reach out to supportive friends and professional help if necessary. You may find the video below useful.

- Barbara Bent