Helene Lerner's Blog, page 19

Why You Should Pay More Attention to Your Dreams and What They are Telling You

Whether we’re creative people or not, dreams manifest our deepest thoughts in a variety of images and expressions, like an art form. Whether it’s an exhilarating dream or a dreadful nightmare, our subconscious reveals itself as we are in the REM cycle of sleep. For this reason, it’s important to be wary of your dreams--they just might reveal something valuable.

Streamlined thinking: Do you ever wake up in shock because your dreams made absolutely no sense? Experts say that when we dream, it’s often disorganized and takes apart different bits of our memory at random. These types of dreams unclog your thinking pathways, so after the mind shuffling, you may have clearer focus or new ideas. 

Practice makes perfect: Similar studies theorize that when analyzing dreams, many of them illustrate dire situations (being chased, naked in a meeting, drowning, etc.). This means our natural “fight-or-flight” instincts are extra sensitive when we are in REM sleep. We dream of these scenarios as “practice” before we face a similar self-defense situation in real life.

Turn memories into intelligence: Others argue that while we dream, our minds sort through the day’s memories and hold on to the most significant. As we forge into the future, these recollections are the ones that guide our decision-making.

Personal therapist: Some doctors think that dreams allow us to manifest difficult emotions as images. In this “safe place,” we can comb through a tough situation and possibly come up with our own solutions while we sleep.

- Barbara Bent

For the Busy Woman: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Online Dating

While there are many fish in the sea, sometimes it’s hard to find time to reel in a good catch. Thankfully, the Internet gives us access to many sites and apps (for a woman on the go) that can help you track down the perfect romantic match. 

Match.com; eHarmony

The Good: These sites are fairly well-known, with excellent success rates. eHarmony boasts that approximately 438 couples that used their site get married every day in the United States. Both of these websites use algorithms to determine how deeply you would connect with your match. After filling out questionnaires, the pool of contenders shrinks considerably. Mainly used from your desktop computer at home, it’s a great choice for someone who is serious about finding their most compatible partner.

The Bad: While most women marvel at how these websites save them time, nothing replaces the benefit of meeting someone face-to-face. 

The Ugly: Though these sites match you with compatible partners, it’s important to keep in mind that these people may not always be who they say they are. Watch out for inappropriate messages and block any user that makes you feel uncomfortable.

The next generation of dating: Tinder; Bumble; Hinge

The Good: Apps are dominating the dating scene. Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are all free and location-based, so you can connect on-the-go. From your phone, swipe left or right to pick a “match” and from there, you can start a conversation. Bumble is unique in that only females can start a conversation, thus empowering women in the dating scene. In addition, each app allows users to scroll through a large pool of contenders instead of filling out pages of compatibility questionnaires.

The Bad: Critics say the apps foster a “hookup” culture that encourages brief encounters instead of long-term relationships. With so many potential matches at your fingertips, it can be tempting to explore your options instead of settling down. While the ability to sort through a sea of contenders is valuable, it’s superficial. Unlike traditional dating sites, these apps focus on appearances over compatibility, because the first thing you see is the person’s picture.

The Ugly: The conversations can go in several directions--you may develop a connection, or the person you’re talking to can turn out to be a creep (if so be sure to block them).

- Barbara Bent

How to Stop Hanging on to a Relationship That's Over

More often than not, when a relationship is over, it should stay over. It’s important to trust your gut after ending things with someone, so even if you miss that person, the best thing to do is move on. 

Grieve: Be sure to allow yourself sufficient time to grieve a broken relationship. 

Block and unfollow: Start by unfollowing or blocking that person on social media. This way, you won’t be faced with their pictures and updates on their life. Time heals, so the less you see them, the less you’ll think about them. 

Think: Consider all of the issues you have with that person. Some may be reconcilable over time, and some may not. Look at the list you’ve made and imagine yourself walking back into that situation. Not so pretty, right? 

Don’t fall back into a trap: You might both miss each other at first, but it’s best if you can avoid seeing one another for the time being. Remember that it’s best for an unhealthy relationship to be over instead of remaining in the grey area.  

Move along: Focus on building relationships with others in your life. You'll encouraged to start a new chapter.

- Barbara Bent

How to Heal Your Body and Mind

Life’s many stresses take a toll on our minds and bodies. Yoga can be a helpful addition to your daily routine. Here’s why: 

Improves focus
In a yoga class, you’re supposed to focus on the present moment--nothing beyond your mat. This mental control can aid your memory, reaction time, and coordination. 

Encourages a healthier diet
You don’t see yogis munching on Big Macs and living like a couch potato. Daily yoga practice can make you more conscious about what you put in your mouth. 

Improves sinus health
The chants and breathing exercises in yoga practice can help open up your lungs, vocal cords, and may clear drainage in your sinuses. 

Releases tension
After hours of driving or sitting at a desk, your neck, shoulder, and back muscles can tighten up. Even your eye and jaw muscles can hold stress without your awareness. Yoga allows relax each part of your body. 

Strengthens immune health
It is said that that the meditation portions of yoga may help boost your immune system. 

Improves sleep
The practice hones in on inner strength and power. When you shift your focus from the outside world and reflect within, stress may dissipate and allow you to relax more.  

Makes you more aware
Yoga encourages of self-care.

- Barbara Bent

The Power of Touch and Why You Need it Every Day

Touch is one of the body's five major senses and is perhaps the most important. Studies show that touch is essential when it comes to health, bonding, and communication. We can see this in action when we get a hug from a family member or a touch on the small of your back from a lover.  

Scientists discovered that in many Western cultures, including the United States, people are deprived of touch and the associated benefits. In many countries, people spend more time in physical contact with each other; tapping each other on the arm as they talk or grabbing hands as they say hello. These gestures can make strangers immediately feel like family. But in many instances, people are afraid to invade personal space, meaning less physical contact with others, even close friends.  

From birth, the power of touch is evident. Experts say that premature infants who received three touch therapy sessions for 15 minutes each day for 5-10 days gained 47 percent more weight than premature infants who did not receive these touch sessions. In addition, young students who receive friendly pats from a teacher are more likely to be communicative in class because they feel safe and comfortable. Contrarily, children who do not receive loving caresses from their mothers may become violent when they grow up. The orbitofrontal cortex in your brain controls feelings of compassion, and is immediately stimulated when you receive a loving touch. Thus, touch is soothing and calms us down, meaning a decrease in cardiovascular stress. Another study showed that women who received more hugs from their partners had lower blood pressure and heart rates.  

In particular, touch can be therapeutic to children with autism as well as women with prenatal depression and people suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. The more pats on the back and eye contact that a patient receives from their doctor may have a positive effect. They’re not the only ones who benefit, however. The more we learn about the positive effects of touch, the more we should try to incorporate it into our daily lives.

- Barbara Bent

5 Things You Should Never Tolerate in a Relationship

When you’re in a relationship with the right person, you should feel valued, not undermined or exploited. There are certain behaviors to watch out for that can quickly turn a relationship toxic:

Abuse
Abuse of any kind (physical or emotional) is never acceptable. Remember, emotional abuse (jealousy, lying, manipulation) can quickly turn physical.  

Selfishness
If your partner is all get and no give, something is wrong. 

Putting you down
A partner should never discount you and your ideas. Even if they say they're just joking, this behavior is hurtful. 

Refusal to meet your needs
Get clear on what you require emotionally and sexually. If you've made your needs known and they're not being met, it may be time to walk away.  

Body-shaming
Anyone that doesn’t make you feel beautiful is not worth your time. 

Check out this video to figure out 100 things not to say to your girlfriend: 

- Barbara Bent

5 Signs That Your Partner is Holding You Back

In the ideal relationship, your partner will always be loving and supportive. However, we all know that's not the case. One major problem in relationships is when one partner doesn't allow the other one to grow. Here are five warning signs to look for: 

Jealousy
Whatever you do, your partner gets easily upset when they’re not included in your plans. For example, he’s not only jealous of any other man you come in contact with, but also jealous of your time spent with friends and family. If your partner continuously opts for you to stay by their side, they’re severely limiting your ability to spread your wings. 

Making excuses
Everyone makes mistakes, but we should never make the same ones twice. If your partner continues to make the same mistakes in your relationship without learning from them, this is a cycle of hurtful behavior. 

Unresponsive
If you make plans and your partner is never following through, or only following through every now and then, it’s time to take a hard look at your relationship. They’re expecting your attention and loyalty but not returning the favor. 

Insecurity
If they're constantly afraid that you'll leave the relationship, it can make things very unstable and one-sided. 

Your partner doesn’t celebrate your success 
If you get that promotion and they can't be happy for you, something's wrong. They could be afraid of your power and jealous of your achievements. A confident woman gives no time to partners that hold her back from achieving all that she wants in her life.

- Barbara Bent

Why You Need to Stop Apologizing at Work

You’ve probably done it before. You’re stumped on a problem at the office and need to get up and ask the boss for help. After marching into his office, the words pour out before you can control them: “Sorry, but I have a question.” Stop here and ask yourself: why are you apologizing? Are you genuinely sorry for walking in to ask for advice? Because you shouldn’t be. These days, “sorry” pops out of women’s mouths involuntarily. It’s similar to saying “like” before every statement. This is a terrible habit that can form, especially at work.

In an op-ed piece in the New York Times, Sloan Crosely addresses the issue directly. She discusses the tendency for women to over-apologize throughout the day, no matter what the situation. Everything from ordering a salad to asking for vacation time has become a conversation laden with “sorry’s.” Crosely references a study that explains how women “have a lower threshold for what constitutes as offensive behavior,” meaning that in situations where one has to be direct, a woman will throw in a “sorry” so she doesn’t come off as rude. But now it’s become so commonplace that many women apologize without even thinking about it. This habit is especially unattractive in the workplace.

When a woman needs to be direct about something, such as getting a raise, she is likely to apologize before she even asks the question: “I’m so sorry but…” is a recurring phrase in conversation. Ladies, all this will do for you in the office is make you look weak or unsure of yourself. Some experts say that women apologize as a “prompt” to get the other person to apologize for something. Overall, it’s an irritating filler word that is sure to deny you the respect that you truly deserve.

- Barbara Bent

4 Subtle Signs You're Being Abused

While physical violence in a relationship is fairly obvious to diagnose, emotional abuse is harder to detect, but can hurt just as deeply. Subtle behaviors often go unnoticed, but they are toxic and can lead to physical abuse in the future.

Control
The manipulator will try to control the victim by robbing them of their power and self-respect. This way, the dominator creates a helpless victim.

Lying
Words are powerful, especially false ones. Lies break the sense of trust that glues a relationship together in the first place.

Unpredictability
Unpredictable behavior causes a lot of stress for the victim, because they have no clue how their aggressor will react. Another sign of emotional abuse is when your partner thrives in drama. No one should be riding an emotional roller coaster on a daily basis.

Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is dangerous. The aggressor knows what bothers the victim, making an easy target for manipulation.

- Barbara Bent

How to Handle a Partner Who's a Narcissist

Narcissism can be toxic. These selfish people can cause a lot of damage if they’re someone special in your life. Here are some mannerisms to look out for and tips on how to deal with their behavior:

They’re always right
This habit might get under your skin, but you have to understand where their behavior is coming from. Narcissists makes themselves feel more secure by putting others down.

They blame everyone but themselves
Don’t let yourself get too upset over this type of behavior. Taking the blame is even tougher for narcissists because of how they view themselves compared to others. So instead of getting angry, try paying less attention to their clamoring statements. 

They spin the story to make themselves look good
As exaggerated as their story may sound, try joking about how ridiculous they’re being. It’s important not to be cruel or hurtful in doing so, but adding humor may lighten the mood.

They are unwilling to listen to your thoughts
They’re determined to be right, so of course they will refuse to hear other opinions. Try to keep calm because showing any sign of pain or irritation may encourage their rude behavior. 

- Barbara Bent