Helene Lerner's Blog, page 22

7 Signs You’ve Found a Lifelong Friend

We make a lot of friends throughout our lives -- our best friend on the playground, our college roommate, our favorite co-worker -- but how do you know you’ve found a true, lifelong friend?

Your home is their home
You don’t have to knock on the front door; you just walk in (you might even have a key), and you feel comfortable talking to their family, even if your friend isn’t in the room.

You’re understood without saying a word
You know each other’s weird facial expressions and what they mean. You don’t even have to say anything for them to know how you’re feeling.

They tell you the truth no matter what
If you have a tough decision to make, you can confide in them and know you’ll get straightforward, sound advice.

They’re good shopping partners
They’ll tell you if a shirt doesn’t fit well, but also encourage you if you feel self-conscious or don’t want to splurge on yourself.

You have inside jokes
You’ve made memories together and laugh out loud at things (even if no one else in the room understands what’s funny).

They know more about your significant other than you do
When you start dating someone new, your friend says, “what’s his last name? I want to find him on Facebook.” If they actually meet in person, your friend will probe your potential partner and ask the questions you aren’t yet ready to ask.

You don’t have to see each other every day
Whether you live in the same town or in a different country, you always manage to stay in touch. When you do speak or get together, it’s like you just saw each other yesterday.

5 Simple Pleasures To Get Your Weekend Going

To have fun and recharge, you don’t have to go away for a long weekend or take time off work. All you need is a little time each day to reconnect with the things that make you joyful. Need some help coming up with things? Start here:

Write to a friend who you’ve lost contact with.
Laugh with your child (or friend, spouse, significant other) and allow yourself to be silly.
Read a chapter from a “juicy” book.
Visit a jazz bar and enjoy the music and ambience.
Get the crayons out and buy yourself a coloring book. Then get to it.

from Time for Me by Helene Lerner

4 Subtle Signals That He’s Really Interested

His friends know you
Whether he simply tells people about you or invites you to his best friend’s wedding, you can tell it’s more than a fling.

He calls you
If you only communicate via text, email, or social media, it’s likely that he’s not very serious (especially if you only hear from him late at night). You know you’re on his mind when he takes the time to pick up the phone and have a genuine conversation.

He remembers the small stuff
Did you tell him about a recent fight with a friend or a problem you had at work? He probably won’t be able to recount every minor detail from the stories you’ve told, but if he brings up something from an earlier conversation, he’s obviously paying attention to what you have to say.

He asks “what’s wrong?”
He can tell when you’re upset without you actually saying you’re upset. He doesn’t let it drop, but tries to find out what’s bothering you.

5 Ways To Let Go Of Negativity And Turn Your Life Around

5 Ways To Let Go Of Negativity And Turn Your Life Around

When disputes arise, look for common ground – it’s there.When you receive criticism, take what fits and leave the rest.When you make a mistake, don’t dwell on it. Move on – next!What you can change, change. What you can’t, leave alone – let go!Don’t force solutions – answers will evolve in their proper time.

from Time for Me by Helene Lerner

6 Quotes To Remember When You Feel Frustrated

“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.”
– Ralph Marston

“Needing to have things perfect is the surest way to immobilize yourself with frustration.”
– Wayne Dyer

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.” 
– T.F. Hodge

“It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.” 
– Steve Maraboli

“Forget perfect on the first try. In the face of frustration, your best tool is a few deep breaths, and remembering that you can do anything once you've practiced two hundred times. Seriously.”
– Andrea Buchanan

“In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.”
– Lee Iacocca

5 Things To Do At The End Of A Stressful Work Week

What can you do to unwind after a stressful week at the office? Start with these 5 things:

Decompress
Do anything you can to get the negative vibes off you. Take yourself someplace where you’ll feel more relaxed, whether it’s the gym, a park, or your bathtub. Also, acknowledge all of the good things you’ve accomplished.

Take it off the back-burner
What have you been promising yourself, yet you don’t do it – every single week? You were going to go to the beach, you were going to read that book, but you got busy with chores and didn’t. Commit to a friend that you’re going to do it, and call her when you’ve done it.

Watch out for overthinking
Just when you don’t expect it, thoughts will pop up about the work week – a report left undone, a health appointment you have to take time off for. Instead of obsessing over it, catch it, think to yourself, “do I really need to deal with this now?” The answer is “no.” Put it on the shelf.

Catch some extra zzz’s
Don’t feel guilty if you need some extra hours to sleep or take a cat nap. You’re not wasting your weekend by doing that, you’re allowing yourself to feel healthy.

Be kind to yourself
Instead of thinking what you should be doing, how you should be spending your time, what you haven’t done, do what you want to do. This is your time. Be your own good mother.

5 Ways Not to Let Rude People Get the Best of You

You know those people who are total pains-in-the-hindquarters? Do you wish you could literally zap them out of existence, a la Red Skull in "Captain America?” The only trouble is, if you did that, half the world’s population might vanish!

Bad jokes aside, it's an unfortunate fact that rude people are absolutely everywhere. Whether it's the guy in the next cubicle who brings smelly lunches to work, or the girl next door who blasts loud music 'til the wee hours of the morning, these people can wear you down in no time.

Fortunately, you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to stress yourself out because of other people's shenanigans. Next time you feel your hackles rising around them, take a step back and:

Try to Empathize With the Person
There are a gazillion possible reasons why someone could be rude. Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe they have anger management issues. Or, maybe they really, really need to go to the bathroom, and you just happened to get in the way.

Regardless of the reason (or the lack thereof), try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume their rudeness has nothing to do with you, unless they say otherwise. That way, it's easier not to act on your knee-jerk instinct to do something you'll regret.

Offer to Help
Remember that time you were so frustrated you couldn't even be bothered to say “Thank you” to the lady at the grocery store? Chances are, Mr./Ms. Rude is going through something similar. When people are under stress, good manners are usually the first to go.

Try testing the waters. Say something like, “You seem to be angry about something. Is there anything I can do to help?” You may be surprised at how receptive they'll be when you show you care about their feelings, and that you're sincere about your offer.

Tell Them Off (Politely)  
Then again, maybe they'll tell you to “mind your own business” (or something more colorful) instead. In that case, don't hesitate to be more assertive.

Take a deep breath and say, “Okay, I understand it's none of my business. But if I'm being honest, [insert rude act here] really got on my nerves. At the very least, please tell me why you did what you did.” You can also give criticism, but do it kindly and constructively.

Avoid Trying to Change Them
Remember: You can't change people the way you change your gadgets’ batteries. If someone has had a chip on their shoulder since childhood, it's not likely they'll turn into Mr./Ms. Manners overnight.

You can listen to what they have to say — when they're willing to say something. But as much as possible, let them solve their problems like the adult they are (or should be). Who knows? They might come around, ask for your help and apologize for their rudeness while they're at it!

Walk Away
Sometimes, no matter what you do, rude people will be rude. If, despite your best efforts, they continue to be less-than-pleasant, or their behavior changes for the worse, you'd probably want to leave them alone. You may feel “weak” for choosing to walk away, but if you value your safety and sanity, it's the best you can do.

Rude people don't have to get the best of you. When dealing with them — and other kinds of people who have grating personalities — it helps to remember this Wally Lamb quote: “Change what you can, accept what you can't, and be smart enough to know the difference.”

 

 

Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated tosharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter@SarahLandrum for more great tips!

5 Ways To Inspire Confidence After A Setback

I have a client who worked hard to get her dream job. She networked, learned how to ace her interviews, and she turned down three opportunities that were great, but not great for her. She was patient, persistent and optimistic. She did in fact get her dream job and she was ecstatic. Six months into it she was receiving rave reviews from her boss and the team she led. And then she was called into her boss’ office and told she was being “let go.” She was devastated.

What do you do when a major setback comes your way? My client felt like lashing out. Her entire family had moved across the country when she accepted her new job. What were they going to do now? Here are five things my client did to get through her setback that will help you when you encounter your own challenge:

Expect setbacks to come your way
I believe in focusing on what you want, not on what you don’t want. At the same time, we would be naïve to think we can escape setbacks in life. People will break their promises, your job is never guaranteed, and the best of marriages can derail – understanding that these things happen doesn’t cause them to happen. Expect the best, but expect and prepare for setbacks as well. Remember, "To be forewarned is to be forearmed."

Allow yourself to be human
I have a friend who is going through an incredibly hard time. I’m sure he knows it—he just won’t let anyone else know it. Whether you’re his friend or family member, he won’t acknowledge he’s been knocked down. Instead, he says “Everything will turn out just fine.” Here’s what I wish he was able to say: “Everything will be okay, but right now it’s feels unbearable.” That’s not complaining, it’s being human.

Accept your emotions
Setbacks are emotional and there’s no shame in whatever you’re feeling. If you’re afraid, angry, or feeling like nothing is going to get better, accept what you’re feeling. It doesn’t mean you want to stay there—it means you’re giving yourself permission to be human. Repressing or denying your emotions won’t eliminate them—it will keep them alive. 

Give yourself time
If you have a major disappointment, give yourself time to process it. Take the time you need to take care of yourself instead of demanding that you bounce back in a day or a week. Doing the latter gives you the message that you’re not important enough to give yourself the time to regain your footing. Saying, “I’m going to be patient with myself, take care of myself and honor my needs” will actually speed up the process of rebounding.

Stay close to your friends
Sometimes when we get knocked down we just want to be alone. That’s healthy—if it’s not our main coping strategy. In life, we need air, food, and water for our physical needs. But we also have emotional and psychological needs we can only get from people who care about us. Take time alone for yourself as needed; just don’t isolate yourself from the important people in your life. Whether that friend is your life partner or colleague at work, stay close and let them help you recover from your setback. You’d be there for them—let them be there for you.

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

6 Ways To Show Your Partner You Really Care

How can you show your partner you really care? Start with these 6 things:

1. Really listen to them.

2. Put yourself in their shoes.

3. Let your guard down.

4. Do something special for them that you know they'll love.

5. Talk about what's going on between the two of you, that's positive.

6. Use the words I love you a lot (and really mean it).

4 Reasons to Forgive When You Can’t Forget

We all get angry; anger is a natural emotion. But it gets us in trouble when we hold on to it and it becomes resentment. Even if you are not in the place where you have forgiven the other person fully, it is often better to act "as if" you do and get on with your life. Here's why.

1. Your energy is drained.
It takes a great deal from you if you are holding on, wasting energy that could be used for getting what you truly want.

2. You become part of the problem.
If you don't let go, you are spewing negativity and you have probably stooped to the level of the person you are angry about.

3. The other person wins.
Don't give the person in question the satisfaction that you continue to be pissed off and are letting them move in, rent-free, in your head.

4. You give off good vibes.
Forgiveness creates positivity. You are not walking around with the "darkness" that you have felt inside, and therefore can attract like-minded people.