Helene Lerner's Blog, page 24

4 Signs There's A Crisis In Your Relationship

1. You feel more agitated together than when you are alone.

2. You look to find more time to be away from home.

3. You feel very needy because your need for closeness is not being met.

4. You find yourself fantasizing about other people.

5 Mistakes People Make That Hurt Relationships

Everybody makes mistakes; we are only human, after all. But there are mistakes we can avoid to steer clear of a catastrophic end to a relationship. 

Not being honest
This is a huge mistake that can rock your relationship. Honesty is one of the most important pillars that support a healthy relationship. If you’re not honest with your partner, you’re really hurting yourself. 

Cheating
Just don’t do it. If you find yourself in a situation where you want to cheat you probably aren’t in the right relationship to begin with. 

Manipulation
This can be tricky. Sometimes you might take advantage of your partner, not realizing the effect it has on them. He or she might not speak out now, but sooner or later it will cause damage. 

Lack of affection
It’s important to keep the spark aflame. Try to be spontaneous every once in a while and remember to tell your partner how much you love them often.

Miscommunication
Don’t assume your partner understand how you are feeling. Ask and clarify.

- Barbara Bent

 

4 Things To Remember When You Feel Lonely

Our society applauds comfort and if we’re uncomfortable, we think there’s something wrong. Discomfort doesn’t mean that at all. In relation to loneliness, we have an opportunity to bring those things in our life which may be lacking.

When you’re lonely, there’s a longing to have someone or something more in your life.
To create a sense of wholeness. It’s okay to be lonely, everyone is at times. It’s okay to want something more in your life. The problem is when you feel like you’re not enough just the way you are. Because there’s nothing wrong with you.

So you’re alone…think of it this way: you’re on your own and creating the life you want.
You bring people and things in and out of your life, but you don’t “need” them to be happy.

Treat yourself with kindness.
You have a lot of options – connect with a friend, share some special time with a pet, or simply ask the little girl inside you what would please her. Listen for the answer, and take action on her behalf.

It’s never too late.
If there are areas in your life that are lacking, you have the power to get what you want. Be honest with yourself and write down ways you can manifest those things. Watch your “mad mind-chatter” trying to talk you out of it. Don’t give it the upper hand.

6 Quotes To Remember When You’re Having Trouble Letting Go

“In order to live the life we want, we must do what we’ve never done. It’s okay to be afraid, as long as we’re willing to take one step forward and move on.” 
– Helene Lerner

“Relationships are eternal. The 'separation' is another chapter in the relationship. Often, letting go of the old form of the relationship becomes a lesson in pure love much deeper than any would have learned had the couple stayed together.”
– Marianne Williamson

“We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes, taking things too personally.”
– Tenzin Gyatso, the Dalai Lama

“It’s easier to let go when you’re not looking for things to be perfect. When you accept imperfections, and know that you are enough, just the way you are, change happens.”
– Helene Lerner

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
– Steve Maraboli

“What has holding on gotten you? Lots of headaches, stomach cramps, worrying, and deeper wrinkles…So isn’t it time to do something different?”
– Helene Lerner

5 Things Strong Women Bring to Relationships

1. A spirit of excitement
They like to try different ways of doing things. They appreciate learning and see growth as a necessary part of everyday life.

2. A sense of confidence
They know who they are deep down and are not afraid to say NO if something doesn't feel right.

3. A big heart
They feel deeply and are extremely perceptive.

4. Honest communication
They are used to saying what they feel, even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  They know that things left unsaid can kill any relationship.

5. Laughter
They know that to get through life's hurdles, you need to have a sense of humor. So no matter how challenging things get, they find the humor in the situation, which gives them a balanced perspective. 

4 Things That Are More (Or Equally) As Important As Sex in A Relationship

Of course sex is very important in any relationship, and there has to be chemistry between the two of you, but there are other things that are equally, if not more important.

1. Honesty
Lack of honesty can destroy any relationship. It is the foundation of trust.

2. Loyalty
Knowing someone is on your side when the going gets tough can pull you through terrible times.

3. Trust
In "growing" a life with another person, what creates lasting love is your ability to trust each other. As two individuals, you don't cling to each other but give each other space to pursue your interests and dreams.

4. Forgiveness
Not holding on to slights and mistakes. We are very imperfect beings and we are bound to slip up, what's really matters is to express yourself truthfully, and let go.

What other things do you see as non-negotiable in a relationship? Let us hear from you.

How Being Single Can Prepare You for a Great Relationship

Are you always the single friend? You might actually have an advantage over the friends who are constantly in relationships. Here are 3 ways being single can prepare you for a great relationship. 

You get to know yourself
What do you really want in life? Do you want kids? Would you rather live in a big city or a small town? When you don’t have another person to influence your decisions, you can start to chart your own path, then find a partner who truly wants the same things you do.

You know what you won’t put up with
If you’ve been dating casually for a while, you’ve probably kissed a few frogs. Since you weren’t committed, you had nothing to lose if you decided to walk away because they offended you, or when you realized that you simply weren’t compatible.

You learn to accept your imperfections
The right partner will love you, imperfections and all. But before you can find someone who does, you have to learn to accept your flaws. Being single allows you to see your beauty without trying to win the approval of others.

5 Behaviors That Can Damage a Relationship

There is no simple answer to what causes the millions of breakups and divorces that occur every year. In actuality, there are hundreds of reasons why relationships end, and everyone has a unique story to tell. But researchers do point to five unexpected behaviors that if repeated over time, can cause permanent damage to any couple’s love bond.

1. Nagging
Nagging is a frustrating dance that many of us fall prey to. It can be defined as one partner repeatedly making requests to the other, who regularly ignores it. The Wall Street Journal calls this type of communication “toxic”, and experts say it can eventually sink a relationship. When repeated nagging occurs, I call it a “Death by 1000 Paper Cuts”. Men and women both nag, but apparently women do it more. Nagging can be potentially as dangerous to a marriage as infidelity.

2. Criticism
Repeatedly attacking your partner’s personality or character rather than focusing on the actual behavior that bothers you and discussing it in a mature and effective manner.

3. Contempt
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention of causing harm. Openly disrespecting him or her. This includes name calling and cursing, hostile behavior or body language (such as eye rolling), and putting your partner down.

4. Defensiveness
Needing to defend yourself whenever you perceive your partner criticizing you. Always disagreeing with what he or she is saying, or rebutting with a complaint of your own.

5. Stonewalling
Withdrawing from the conversation or the relationship. Refusing to discuss something or physically disappearing. Holding a grudge or feeling resentful towards your partner for several days, or weeks.

As a trained relationship therapist, I can generally spot these behaviors from a mile away. Interestingly, many people are completely unaware they are even engaging in the behaviors to begin with, let alone comprehending the damage they do. Although many people (including me) have engaged in one or more of these behaviors from time to time, repeated use will cause one or both partners to feel frustration, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and alienation.

All couples have arguments, and that is perfectly normal. It’s not necessarily the conflict per se that sinks a relationship — it’s how the disagreement or the communication is handled. When conflicts are poorly handled and these five behaviors are involved, it has the potential to cause a great deal of damage to the relationship and to the individuals.

If you feel that during your marriage you participated in any of these behaviors, you’ll do yourself a world of good to admit the part you played and work towards examining where the behavior originated. Many of the answers will come from how you were raised and how your parents behaved with each other and with you. It’s hard and painful work, but honest self-examination will always lead towards profound growth.

 

 

Adapted from "Five Unexpected Behaviors That Sink a Marriage"

 

- RACHEL A. SUSSMAN, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer with a private practice in New York City. For more information visit her website: http://www.sussmancounseling.com

 

6 Things Positive People Do Every Day

6 Things Positive People Do Everyday

1. Don't dwell on negative thoughts.

2. Help someone in trouble.

3. Offer kindness to people they deal with.

4. Acknowledge what they actually "do", not what they "don't do."

5. Think BIG, not small. 

6. Have a belief in something greater than themselves.

3 Things That Stop Communication In Any Relationship

3 Things That Stop Communication In Any Relationship

1. Criticizing and judging the other person. Playing on someone’s weaknesses is deadly. STOP: Let something good be said. Acknowledge what that person is doing right.

2. Not believing things can change. When you tell yourself that, there is really no reason to continue on. STOP: Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Changes happen all the time.

3. Feeling like no one hears you. If you really feel that no one is listening, why share yourself? But have you confronted that person, or have you assumed that they are uninterested. STOP: Be direct, to the point, and ask if they care about what’s going on with you—or is it something else? Listen to their response—you’ll probably have a good idea of what’s happening.