Helene Lerner's Blog, page 27

3 Reasons Overthinking is deadly and how to get over it

When we are in a pinch, sometimes our knee-jerk reaction is to "figure it out." But most of the time, the "brain" can't. And if we go this route, we begin to obsess, which is deadly. How can we do things differently? Read on...

1. Overthinking often ends up in obsession which only serves to get us more anxious. When you feel like your head is "spinning," stop! Take a few deep breaths, and do something different.Go for a walk, put on the tv, call a friend.

2. Overthinking makes our world seem very small. Life experiences vary, some are wondrous, some painful, but if you are caught in overthinking, there is no room to let anything else in. When you catch yourself over analyzing, see if you can pinpoint the emotion that may be underneath. Are you afraid, sad, what is really going on? 

3. Overthinking keeps us stuck. We simply don't move out, try anything new, we are basically "in our heads." Life is much better when we have the courage to step outside our comfort zones and do something different.

 

3 Positive Attitudes That Make You More Attractive

Good looks aren’t the only thing that will attract people to you. Everyone is attracted to different qualities, but there are a few traits that at the top of the list. Take a look:

Having a sense of adventure
This doesn’t mean you have to go skydiving and rock climbing every weekend. Trying new foods, exploring different cities, or visiting a museum shows your potential partner that you can have fun. Plus, it’s an easy way for the two of you to make memories together and keep the relationship exciting.

Going with the flow
For some people, this comes naturally, while others struggle with it. If you like to schedule everything, try not to be disappointed if things don’t go exactly according to plan. Flexibility is a key factor in any relationship, and your partner will appreciate that you can adapt to situations.

Remaining loyal
Do you have friends you haven’t seen in years, but there is a bond between you? They know they can count on you during the good and bad times. Your partner will notice your ability to hang in there when the going gets tough.

3 Ways to Get Out of the Grips of a Manipulator

Ever feel controlled and not sure what exactly is happening? You are probably under the radar screen of a manipulator. Just how do you loosen their grip? Read on.

1. Become aware of what they are doing
Identify the persona and their behavior. For example, are they sending out negative vibes, directed at you? Pinpoint what they are doing.

2. Decide you are stronger
Someone can't hurt you or bring you down unless you let them. If they are trying to make you feel guilty, try to be objective and just watch the words they use and their gestures. Focus on that will give you perspective.

3. Confront them
Diffuse the situation by stating your truth, expose their behavior and let them know you are on to them.

3 Ways To Get Close to Someone When You Feel Like Pushing Them Away

Getting close to someone can be very scary. It’s also wonderful, but fears may arise like: does the person care as much for me as I care for them? Will this be a lasting relationship? As a result, when we courageously tell someone we care, we may subtly do things to push them away. Here are some ways to help us not do that.

Observe your reaction when they tell you they care
Is it unnerving when someone reveals strong feelings for you? If it is, know that you don’t have to say anything, and remain silent, even if it feels awkward. Better not to react in a way you may regret. 

Check out your anger
Anger serves to push people away. When you’re about to lash out, ask yourself, “why am I really doing this? Is it the situation, or am I afraid to get close?” You’ll know the answer.

Inventory your fears
Get your fears out in the open. You don’t necessarily have to tell the other person, but you need to know what they are. It’s usually helpful to discuss your list with a trusted friend or advisor.

3 Things That Make Sensitive People Feel Better

Sensitivity is not a bad thing, in fact, sensitive people have a deep understanding of what’s going on. If you find yourself dealing with them, these tips may help. 

Less talking, more listening
Try to bring them out and understand the depth of their feelings. 

Cater to them
Go out of your way to let them know they are important to you, and that you’ll be there for them.

Acknowledge their insights
Let them know you respect their point of view, even if it’s different than yours – there’s space for them to be themselves.

If they are overly sensitive, these tips can also help:

- Barbara Bent

3 Reasons Why Living Well Is The Best Revenge

It happens—someone upsets you (a friend, partner, coworker, boss) and all you want to do is let the anger simmer inside. You refuse to let it go. In fact, you are doing it all wrong—the best way to get back at that person to live your life to the fullest. After all, the rock band REM said it best in their song, "Living Well is the Best Revenge."

You’ll be happier
Why stay angry? They may have moved on, but have you?

Life is too short
Don’t waste time sulking because you’ll bring yourself down and others with you.

Don’t give them the satisfaction that you’re upset
Continue on with your own life and do what pleases you. 

- Barbara Bent

4 Things Men Need To Know About Women

Following through on promises is high on the list
If you say you’ll do something, do it.

We appreciate being acknowledged for our strengths
We’ve worked hard to develop different facets of ourselves, and although we don’t need adoration, it’s nice when it happens

It’s not just the big moments that matter
Great conversation, laughing so hard tears roll down your eyes - it’s the little things that are so meaningful

We want you to take a REAL interest
Friends and family members who are important to us, projects that we’re passionate about - it means a lot knowing you care.

3 Ways to Handle Someone Who Is Acting Like A Jerk

More often than not, we have to deal with difficult people on an almost daily basis. Here are a few ways of handling them:

Avoid them
They may realize something is wrong with how they’re acting and perhaps ask you about that, and ultimately change their ways

Don’t take it personally
If you find yourself in a situation and cannot leave, try to see what’s behind their actions. It probably has nothing to do with you, so distance yourself emotionally. 

Kill them with kindness
Take the high road. It’ll show them that they cannot bring you down, and, who knows, maybe you can lighten their mood.

- Barbara Bent

3 Reasons Why Confident Women Don’t Waste Time

1. They don’t try to please everyone because they know that’s impossible. Some people won’t like them and they accept that. They don’t waste their energy trying to change things they can’t.

2. They stand by what they promise. When it comes to people they care about if they say they will do something, they do it.

3. They value the time of others. They understand what it’s like to deal with busy people. They come on time to appointments and come prepared.

6 Ways Negative People Try To Bring You Down (And How To Stop That)

1. They try to make you feel guilty.

2. They have no interest in your thoughts or feelings.

3. They gossip about you.

4. They use harsh words and are unkind.

5. They have an "I know better" attitude.

6. They lash out in answer.

Once you see these people for who they really are, people who feel bad about themselves and don't want you to succeed, you'll realize you have choices:

to be around them some of the time, to distance yourself permanently, or just "tune out" when you are around them.