Helene Lerner's Blog, page 31

How to Have a Strong Personality without Coming on Too Strong

Do you have a strong personality and been told you come on too strong? If so, I bet you are someone who gets results and goes the extra mile. The Problem? You get to the answer much quicker than other people. Other people frustrate you. And then you have a frustrated tone. You get controlling.  

You've probably been given feedback about it. (And if you are a woman, you feel in a struggle around how to come across as "confident", but NOT "arrogant" or "strident".)  

Do you ever wish you knew: "how do I make other people accountable and WANT to do better work? And how do I stay calm instead of reacting to them?"  

Here are two strategies to get you started... 

1. Shift from "doing tasks" to "doing people"
In every communication there are two levels: the level of the "Content" (the information, your request) and the level of the "Process" (how the person feels in the relationship with you).  

Which level do you pay the most attention to? Probably the "Content", the point you want to make. 

Which level do most people pay attention to first? How they feel in the relationship with you.  

People ONLY listen to your information and requests once they feel comfortable and respected in the relationship with you. Feeling dismissed causes stress and constricts listening. Say things with an intent to preserve other's self-esteem and people will be motivated to do what you ask. 

Whenever possible, try to 'make people right' instead of making them wrong. Build on their ideas instead of tear them down. 

(I know you: I'm not asking you to do this to be "nice"! Do it because it increases their follow through. Just like our stomachs absorb aspirin better when it has enteric coating around it.)

2. Shift from controlling to collaborative and get better results 
Your judgment about people who don't have your standard of excellence sets up your tone. See if you relate to my client's situation: "The compliance people in my company said they couldn't give me the waiver I needed to grow the business. I got frustrated and told them they needed to find a solution." (Then my manager told me I needed to deal with the situation better!) 

Here are a few excerpts from our coaching session about it... 

Me: When the lawyers said they couldn't give you the waiver you needed to grow the business, what was your explanation of why they did that? 

Client: They are lazy.... 

Me: And what does that mean about you? 

Client: About me?? Well...they were setting me up to do a bad job. 

Bingo! That's why you get frustrated. A confidence concern gets activated. Your dedication to doing things right feels threatened. You think failure will be YOUR fault. So you try to regain some control.

Here's how she worked it out by the end of our session. Notice she changed her "story": 

Client: "I now see that maybe it’s not that they are stupid, it’s just that they didn't know how to do the ‘out of the box’ waiver I asked for." 

"Instead of controlling, I want to show up like a "pilot" who is in calm and in control of herself - then guide people through the stormy part of the skies...” 

Next time she gets frustrated because she sees people as 'lazy', she will instead ask structuring questions that help them tap their problem solving and bring others along to catch up to her thinking. 

 

What are your best ways of having a strong personality without coming on too strong?

 

 

 

- Sharon Melnick
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

How to Deal with Phony People

I’ve dealt with a few phonies in my life and you probably have as well. Unless you are equipped to deal with them, they can be frustrating at best, and at worst they can wreak havoc in your life. Phonies can run the gamut of being gossips, liars, backstabbers, fair-weather friends, passive-aggressive, or they can be the person who always has to smile and tell you they "couldn't be doing better," when you know that's not true.

Here are four ways to deal with phonies:

Trust your instinct
Is the new person at work trying too hard to be helpful or friendly because they’re just nervous—or are they just insincere? Did your relative just put you down in a comment disguised as a compliment? What does your gut say? 

Two heads are better than one
Share your questions or concerns with someone you trust. If both of you suspect you’re dealing with a phony, you probably are. This isn’t fool-proof, but it’s better than dealing with a possible phony all by yourself and wondering if you're being too critical and judgmental. Get a second opinion.

Be upfront with them
If you catch someone gossiping about you, revealing information you told them was confidential or if you’re the victim of backstabbing, go to that person and tell them up front you know what they did. Then tell them what your course of action will be if it happens again. If the offense is serious enough, tell them you’re taking action now, then do it.

Limit your interaction
Passive-aggressive people or fair-weather friends have toxic behavior. Stay completely away from them if you can—but if you can’t, limit your exposure to them. Even the person who is sporting that fake smile and telling you how wonderful things are (when you know they’re being a phony) can drain the life out of you. You deserve better--just stay away from them.

Set clear boundaries and enforce them
Phonies do what they do because no one stops them. If you’re worried about offending them, or if you're concerned about disrupting the relationship, don’t. They’re not sitting around worrying about you or second-guessing themselves. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

4 Phrases That Push People Away

This is impossible/I can’t do it. Lots of opportunities come your way, but do you take them? Or are you seeing all the reasons why something CAN’T happen?  Nothing is more unattractive.

Try instead: It’s challenging, but we can find a way to make it happen.

It’s your fault! (Playing the blame game). People who find fault with everyone else, who never take responsibility for their actions, you want to stay clear of.

Try instead: I see how I may have overstepped my role here, (owning your side of the street), and for that I’m sorry.

You have to! Making demands and not giving options. Most of us want to be able to decide for ourselves.

Try instead: Here are the choices, which do you want to do?

There’s no way I’ll ever forgive you. Not being direct with a person about your anger, giving out negative vibes, and churning over the incident.

Try instead: Saying what’s on your mind, hearing what the other person has to say, and then, letting it go.

5 Strategies Confident Women Use to be Seen, Heard, and Get Others to Follow

It’s a problem, but you can handle it, and do. If you’re a secure, savvy woman, you tackle most challenges with gusto and dispatch. A few problems, however, require you getting help. How do you get your manager to hear you, and more importantly, to act on what you see?

Help them see what you see
If you want your manager to act, you need to present the issue in crystal clear terms, so they feel what you do and draw the conclusions you have. Emotional, “this is how I felt” or anecdotal “hear is what I’ve heard” information doesn’t cut it. Managers sympathize and empathize when you present emotional information but rarely act.

How do you get managers or others to act? You make the problem or situation inescapable with hardcore facts. For example, if a bully peer makes your work environment toxic, you could say how you feel, or you could report that three teammates have resigned in the last year, and two of your co-workers have begun looking for jobs. Ouch. No manager wants to lose five employees.

Make them “feel”
Think of a purchase you’ve made in the past six months that cost more than you’d planned. What were your reasons for almost not buying this item or service? Was it the cost or doubts about whether you needed it?

Next, what led you to purchase it? Was it that you knew you’d love it or how you felt the purchase would make you feel? Or that you deserved the product or service?

If you’re like most, the reasons you almost didn’t purchase or “buy in,” were logical and the reasons you ultimately bought were emotional. If you want someone to “buy in” to what you’re asking, realize that emotions rule – their emotions.

Make the problem the problem, not yourself and not manager whose agreement you seek
When you lay a problem in a manager’s lap, they often see you as the problem, leading to “shoot the messenger” fallout. Never make the situation about you. Further, don’t accuse your manager for not acting to solve the problem in the past. You want to partner with them, and not make them the bad guy.

Know how and why your manager decides
Prior to meeting with any manager, learn as much as you can about the manager and his or her perspective. LinkedIn and other social media make this relatively easy. What matters more to your manager – high productivity or low employee turnover? How does your manager benefit by tackling the issue you present? Assess and then hone in what will lead them to act. 

Assess and meet objections
Next anticipate the objections your manager may have to taking action based on what you present. You can then include your counter argument when you meet, such as “You may be wondering about the uproar if you reorganize the department along these lines. Here’s what my peers have said.”  If you determine and handle your manager’s objective, you can move them to act.

How do you get your manager to hear you, and more importantly, to act on what you see?  Help them see what you see; get them to feel the problem, know how and why they make decisions and handle their potential objections. The result? -- Action. 

 

 

 

© 2016, Lynne Curry, executive coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @lynnecurry10 or on workplaceocoachblog.com or on bullywhisperer.com™

How To Trust Your Gut When You Want To Talk Yourself Out Of It

Why is it important to trust your gut? Because deep down you know what’s best. And how many of us get in trouble when we don’t? Too many. Why do we try to talk ourselves out of what we know is best? Take a look at why, and how to stop doing that.

Denial. It is sometimes easy not to “see” what we know is there. We don’t have to confront the truth.
Listen to your gut: In the end it will be easier to deal directly, and avoid getting ourselves into lots of trouble.

The Worst May Happen. Most projections never materialize, and whatever we don’t know, we will be able to handle.  
Listen to your gut: Why not expect the best and make it happen.

It’s Just a Feeling. Ideas from our “head” sometimes seem more logical than our feeling sense, and we may dismiss them.
Listen to your gut: Even if it can’t be proved, inner clarity gives us an edge. When we trust a “hunch”, it usually points us in the right direction.

4 Ways to Get a Grip When You Feel Like the Rug is Being Pulled From Under You

Have you ever had a time in your life when you feel like the rug is being pulled out from under you? Everything is changing, not in ways you hoped for. 

How can you be at your best and be fearless when all you feel is fearful?

Find the eye of the hurricane
Get your brain out of its fear center. Any activity that enables you to calm your body and brain will help. 

The fastest way to change your mind is to change your breath, so simply start with deep breathing from your belly. Place your hands on your belly and make sure they expand like a balloon when you breathe. Or breathe out for more counts than you breathe in (e.g., inhale for 4, exhale for 8) – that presses your “calm” button.  

Your nervous system will be full of fear when things seem to fall apart, so it’s important to engage in extreme self-care in order to not get sick or too overwhelmed.   

Consult your future self
You will be tempted to focus on all the things that are going on outside of you and try to halt or change them. Instead, find your answers within. 

In your imagination, eject yourself above the swirl of the moment. Project yourself into the future when the situation has been resolved. From that vantage point ask: “What is the single best thing I did that got me through this situation?” Let your future self give you some high priced consultation! 

Replace fear with forward action
You only feel fear when things feel out of your control. So take action on what you can control (and as you know my saying: “Be Impeccable for your 50%!”)

Make a list of all the things you can control in the situation. Your new ‘to do’ list is to be effective at each of those things you CAN control. Make a plan and pour your energies into implementing it. 

Have a growth mindset
You can either have a “fixed mindset,” in which you think that what you know and who you are now is all you can ever know and be. Or you can have a “growth mindset,” in which you think you can learn what you need to know to have the life you want. 

Often things fall apart at a time in your life when you need to learn new skills in order to do the work you are meant to do in the world. Rather than resent the people who caused seemingly bad things to happen (e.g., be mad at the person who said they wanted to end the relationship), trust that what you learn now will enable you to have greater success and happiness down the road.

Seal your susceptibility
Many people are fearful in times of uncertainty – but some people have even  more susceptibility to getting triggered and feel it more intensely. This is often the case if you’ve grown up in a family where you were scared by an important person’s criticisms or lashing out. 

Or if you’ve had a lot of pressure in your life to make sure that everything works out and doesn’t fail, because if it fails it would be “your fault.”

There are ways you can “heal” that part of you. That will enable you to be more “calm and rational” in those situations: you can stay in your process of learning rather than worrying the world will collapse.

 

 

 

You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

8 Ways to Start Your Monday Right

These simple practices will help you have an Inspired Monday!

 

. Let go of Sunday.

. Schedule an activity that makes you smile.

. Forgive something dumb you did.

. Don’t ruminate over a negative person.

. Say NO when you need to.

. Trust your gut.

. Use positive words.

. Do something special just for you.  

 

 

 

 

6 Quotes About the Love of a Mother

“Nobody knows of the work it makes

To keep the home together.

Nobody knows of the steps it takes,

Nobody knows - but Mother.”

“Mama was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and fearlessness. If love is sweet as a flower, then my mother is that sweet flower of love.”
– Stevie Stevie Wonder

“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16, and then only serve half.”
– Gracie Allen

“Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.” 
– Unknown 

“There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.” 
– Chinese Proverb

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
– Sam Levenson

5 Signs Your Partner is Too Selfish

The honeymoon is over. The person who was such a giver, now has become such a taker, and you question if you’ve made the right decision to be with this person at all. You know your partner is a taker and not a giver if you see these signs:

It’s always their agenda
You’re always going to their movie, their restaurant, having their friends join. You never seem to have a say in what you do or who you spend time with.

You’re the listener, they’re the talker
There’s never a real conversation. They expect you to listen to their problems, concerns, and triumphs, but when you start talking, there’s no real effort on their end to find out what’s going on with you.

They back out of plans at the last minute
You’ve been disappointed a lot because they say they’ll do things and then don’t show up and have a lame excuse.

They want all of your attention
They get jealous whenever you go out with friends or go on vacation without them. 

They’re out of touch with your needs
They are unaware of unspoken cues. They don’t realize how lonely and unsatisfied you really feel.

Quotes of How Strong Women Get Through Tough Times

“…being a strong woman is to know that often your strength comes from the people close to you, supplying you with the power to simply be who you are.”
– Joyce Roche

“Laughing at the insanity of life is very worthwhile. Strong women laugh early, laugh often, and laugh deeply.”
– Lisa Wessan

“She is able to listen to her own inner voice in the midst of all the competing noise that surrounds her. She has the courage to lead, even when afraid, and the confidence to do what she must, not what she is asked.”
– Kathie Lingle

“A strong woman looks a challenge dead in the eye, and then gives it a wink.”
– Gina Carey

“When the going really does get tough, your girlfriends will be there ina  way that no one else will ever be able to comfort you, because they will just let you be and they won’t want anything back.”
– Jamie Lee Curtis

“She asks for help from her sister friends – I’ve learned the hard way there’s no superwoman.”
– Jacqui Hughes

Adapted from What Makes a Strong Woman by Helene Lerner