Helene Lerner's Blog, page 35
April 29, 2016
3 Ways to Stay Clear of Hateful People
Be Direct. Draw your boundaries if you can. Let them know that there is really no place in your life for them.
Be Detached. When you have to deal with them because of a work related reason for example, prepare yourself for an encounter by knowing that their negativity has nothing to do with you. It’s all about them, and how they feel about themselves.
Be Observant. Be an objective observer. When you start to get upset, notice that, and then take some deep breaths, telling yourself, “this is a sick person, help me not to get angry.” Prayer or meditation is useful at these times.
April 28, 2016
Why Strong Women Aren't People-Pleasers
People-pleasers try to keep everyone around them happy but the price they pay is often a loss of self-respect and authenticity. A strong woman may feel uncomfortable when she speaks up but she will risk being unpopular when it’s the right thing to do. Here are some of the lessons learned from women who chart their own course.
They’re not afraid to challenge the status quo
A strong woman doesn’t back down just because it will be easier. She’s more interested in the outcome of the situation, and knows her voice is powerful. Her desire to make a difference is top priority.
They’ve learned that being “too nice” gets them in trouble
Telling people what they want to hear is phony. And she’s learned from past experience that if she does that, she will be disappointed not only in other people, but herself.
They’d rather be direct and to the point
Telling people what you think they want to hear leads to inefficiency because it’s a waste of everyone’s time and leads you further from the goal. She knows that being a straight-shooter gets the job done quicker.
They don’t get taken advantage of
People-pleasers are usually overworked, highly stressed, and emotional. A strong woman knows how important balance is. She sets boundaries and doesn’t let people step all over her.
- Bre Glynn
4 Things You Should NEVER Say at Work
Whether you have just been promoted and are now managing a team or you have been in a leadership role for a while, there are several things you don’t want to say to your team or your colleagues. You may be wondering why this matters. Well, in addition to it simply being the right thing to do, how you lead others impacts your company’s (and your) reputation. How you treat those you work with creates your reputation as either A. an amazing person to work with or B. the person no one ever wants to work with. Here are a few things you should NEVER say at work:
“That is not the way we do things here.”
This statement is the killer of ideation and innovation. The people you work with are there to bring their innovative ideas to the table and you want to do everything in your power to encourage that expression.
"I don’t agree with our leadership on this but …”
When working with your employees you are representing your company and your personal opinion is typically irrelevant. Whether you think management is “right” or “wrong,” it is important that as a leader in your company you demonstrate your alignment to the goals and strategies of the organization. Communicating your disagreement can create confusion and erode your reputation as a leader who can articulate the vision and strategy of the organization in a way that inspires commitment and action.
“We have to cut costs somewhere.”
In the midst of layoffs and other cost-cutting measures, it is important that you communicate the changes in ways that articulate the value of your colleagues as individuals, not simply as a cost item on the company’s balance sheet. It is your responsibility to not only lead compassionately, but to also be an example to the organization in tough times. Be the example you want your team to follow.
“We were here all night, where were you?”
As a leader you never want to overtly or covertly pressure your employees or set the expectation that they should be working 24/7. Not only does this erode your status as a great people manager, it will negatively impact the morale and productivity of both the individual employee and potentially your entire team.
Remember your words have the power to inspire or tear down your team. Focus your language on supporting your teams to do their best work!
Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach
April 27, 2016
How to Let Yourself Heal from a Toxic Relationship
We have all been in them—it’s hard while we are there, and it can be even harder to get out of one-there’s that period after you’ve severed the ties that is so difficult. How do you forgive yourself for hanging in for so long, and how do you forgive the other person so you can move on?
Here are some suggestions:
Heed the signs
Usually we pick people because there is still some lesson we have to learn by being with them. Take an inventory of the relationship and see why you were so attracted to the person in the first place. Was the relationship similar to others you’ve had? What would you do differently next time?
Know you did the best
If you could have done better, you probably would have. You had your own set of vulnerabilities that you brought to the relationship. Give yourself some credit for trying to make it work.
Time heals
Before you jump into another relationship, give yourself some space to build yourself back up again. Truly nurture yourself, spend time with good friends, do the things you have wanted to, but haven’t been able to.
How to Stop Overthinking and Trust Your Gut
As an over-thinker, you’re used to analyzing things to death. You can find yourself caught in a tangled web of details that lead you away from what you really need to do. Here are some things to consider.
Do you drive yourself crazy?
Fess up. Do you keep going over and over again, trying to control what’s uncontrollable? Do you drive yourself and other people around you crazy? Well, if that’s the case, STOP. Take a deep breath, and know that your way isn’t working.
Listen more
Not just to other people, but to your internal voice that keeps wanting to lead you in the right direction. If you’re not used to connecting with your intuition it may seem scary to go “inside”. But if you continue to try this, what you’ll probably find is that it’s calming to connect with your inner wisdom.
Choose wisely
There’s a difference between the monkey-mind and your gut sense of what’s right. Mad mind chatter continues the craziness. Listening to your intuition leads you to the right action. You may miss the excitement stirred by craziness, but in the end, isn’t it exhausting? You have a choice before every decision you make. What you will listen to?
- Bre Glynn
How to Put Yourself Out There When You Are Feeling Shy
In an extraverted world, it can be hard for you as an introvert to put yourself out there and connect with friends and colleagues in a way that is intended to advance your career. Here are some ways to putting yourself out there that honor your introverted nature.
Be Great at Something Interesting
Everyone has the colleague who hiked Mt Everest or was a world champion chess player. Find out what makes you interesting and be willing to share it. You may even be interesting by association. Here is an example of interesting by association; I typically attend the Grammy Awards annually because I am married to a member of the Recording Academy. Be willing to embrace the interesting a unique things about you like being a gourmet chef or having cryptology as a hobby.
Be a Game Changer
By this I mean change the game for your company by solving a mission critical problem. As an introvert, you may prefer to keep your head down and simply get your work done. By solving a mission critical issue or problem you create the opportunity for exposure without the need to brag about yourself or your accomplishments. One caveat: people in the organization need to know that you solved the problem so do take credit for your work.
Build Your Network One Relationship at a Time
We all know relationships matter and when you are shy networking can be uncomfortable. Begin networking strategically. At your company’s next social gathering pick one person who you have an interest in getting to know and connect with that person only. Focus your energy and efforts on creating meaningful relationships instead of looking to meet everyone. Remember that people love to talk about themselves so focus your energy on the other person – ask them about their interests, likes, and accomplishments. They will come away feeling heard and interested in getting to know you better.
Be an Influencer
Influencers’ impact is often felt and their identity not always known. This can be a great way to get noticed at work without being in the “limelight.” You can begin to position yourself as an influencer by speaking up with a unique strategic voice (sharing amazing insights at just the right time) and having the “offline” conversation with key decision makers providing your perspective one-on-one in a setting where you are most comfortable and can thrive.
Remember, putting yourself out there is about establishing meaningful relationships. Focus on the quality of your relationships and their reach, not the quantity.
Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach
April 26, 2016
4 Ways Strong Women Handle Anger and Move On
We all deal with difficult people and challenging situations that make us mad. I have noticed a few ways women who I admire deal with them, and offer these suggestions:
1. Feel it, don’t deny it. When we stuff down our feelings, anger included, we may feel depressed, so it is important to allow yourself to be angry. What are the sensations involved with this emotion—clenched jaw, tightness in the neck—notice your voice, does it get shrill?
2. Think through your next move. What is the best way to address the problem? Talk to the person directly after you cool down. Watch and wait. Observe their behavior and then calculate your approach. It’s probably not best to “react” in the heat of the moment.
3. After you’ve taken some action, it is best to let it all go. You may not trust the person and set some boundaries with them, but to hold on to anger can be deadly. It turns into resentment which can “eat away” at your energy and sanity. You don’t want to do it.
4. Pen it out. Sometimes, it is best to write down what happened and how you processed it. Also, there may be a lesson or two that was learned from the exchange - record that too.
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