Helene Lerner's Blog, page 39

The Relationship Mistake We Don't Know We're Making

When we love someone we want them to know it. We do things hoping to create a stronger bond. But according to relationship counselor and author, Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. Once you understand how your partner receives love, you begin to create a stronger relationship.

The 5 love languages:

Physical Touch. Contact that can be sexual or platonic like touching their arm when you speak, holding their hand, giving hugs or rubbing their back.

Words of Affirmation. Complimenting their appearance or actions.

Acts of Service. Doing something while expecting nothing in return like picking up around the house, or taking the dog for a walk.

Quality Time. Spending time just the two of you, like date night.

Gifts. Small tokens of appreciation without expecting anything in return, like flowers.

Pastor Rich Wilkerson and his wife Robyn explain that what happens a lot of the time is people give love the way they want to receive it. So if you like to be touched and complimented, you show your partner love by touching and complimenting them. But this is a mistake. They may not feel that sense of fulfillment and love the same way you do. And what can happen is you feel like you’re giving them love but it’s not being received. So your relationship suffers.

The solution. Talk to your partner, find out what makes them feel love. For Pastor Rich, he gives his wife gifts and spends time with her. While Robyn shows him love by touching him and telling him how great he looks.

Take a look at Pastor Rich and Robyn Wilkerson’s explanation in the video below.

- Bre Glynn

What to do When a Man Fears Your Strength

You are not perfect but you are accomplished. You have been working on yourself for many years and you are proud of yourself. You don’t shy away from telling someone how you feel, and you don’t wait to be asked what your opinion is, you voice it. But some men will be uncomfortable with a woman who seems to have her act together, how do you handle that? 

Don’t be anything less than you are. Don’t try to make yourself into a pretzel  just to please someone. It may seem to work temporarily, but that will never last. If you go against your grain, you will ultimately end up resenting the person, and YOURSELF!

Realize, they do NOT have their act together. Because they can’t accept you for who you really are, doesn’t make anything you are doing wrong. It is simple that they are afraid of your power, and don’t have enough of their own.

Have compassion. When someone is so threatened by your strength, they probably feel badly about themselves. But you don’t need to “fix” them, and it’s best for you to move on.

When Enough is Enough

With friends: They don’t really ask you about you? The relationship seems very one-sided. You do most of the listening and they do all the talking. ENOUGH! It’s not a real friendship because it is draining you.

With a job: You’ve been up for a job change on several occasions and it seems things have stalled. It’s been that way for a few years. You almost feel like there’s a conspiracy against you. You’ve tried to make changes, but no one is buying them. ENOUGH--Time to look outside the company and move on.

With family: You just can’t do enough for your mother-in-law. She is never satisfied and is always comparing you to her daughter. You try to please out of respect for your significant other, to no avail. You don’t feel good in her company. ENOUGH! Why go where it’s not “warm.” You’ve decided that on the important occasions, you will be there, but that’s it.

When Love Isn’t Enough with the Men We Love

We have big hearts and probably care too much.  Most of us want to be our best selves and want that for others. But all the trying in the world won’t make something work if a relationship has gone sour. And when the signs are there, it is best to separate even though it will not be an easy road.  When do we know it’s time to move on?

When we have given it all we’ve got, and things do not change. Even if your partner is cooperative, and both of you are trying to salvage the relationship, nothing is really different. You are both confronted with the same challenges, day in and day out.

When the other person stops growing, and will not meet you halfway. You have said what’s not working, been authentic about the way you feel, and there is no movement. He doesn’t really want to do anything differently. And you can’t make him want to.

When we feel stifled and know we want more in life. Your life seems very small and you have been giving most of your energy to the relationship. You’ve stopped doing other things that make you happy—and you’re not making  time for your other friends.

How to Forgive and Move On

Forgiveness is a topic that is regularly discussed in my private practice.  Anger, hurt and disappointment at a loved one is a strong motivator to seek counseling. 

If you are smarting from a recent breakup or divorce, many of you are still coming to terms with your feelings about your ex. There is a good chance that no matter how your relationship ended, you endured a lot of distress during the process.

Most therapists, myself included, suggest trying to feel some compassion for those who have hurt us – as anger can eat away at our core. Yet, many people feel that forgiveness is not in their repertoire. One woman recently told me, “If you cross me, you are history!” Yet others firmly believe that forgiveness was key to letting go and moving on with their lives. 

Forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of unpleasant feelings about someone who has hurt you. It’s about releasing the anger, resentment, and the thoughts of revenge. It’s about reaching deep into your heart, and discovering some degree of empathy, or, better yet, understanding for the person that has caused you pain. This doesn’t mean you have to exonerate or minimize what they have done to hurt you – but it’s about being able to look past those transgressions and say, “Yes, I can forgive this person.” Believe it or not, uttering those words can really help you get on with your life. 

If you are contemplating forgiveness, here are five pieces of advice to consider:

Think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself - There is much research out there stating that holding on to anger and pain raises our cortisol levels, which is hazardous to our mental and physical health. Once we let go and breathe, our body and our mind resets back to normal. 

Leave your ego at the door - Many of us hold onto anger because our ego has been bruised. I suggest examining this concept, and if it fits, put your ego aside and then revisit the conflict with a fresh head. You may be surprised what you’ll discover. 

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes - There is a reason that someone treated you as they did. Even if you don’t agree with their motives, try to consider why they behaved as they did. Understanding their perspective can make a huge difference.

You’ll be proud of yourself! - Forgiveness can be extremely useful to any woman’s recovery. It can accelerate your healing. If you challenge yourself to look past the anger, the bitterness, the disappointment – you may surprisingly find yourself in a much better frame of mind. 

Forgiving the person who hurt you is extremely powerful. - It’s a huge investment of consciousness and the rewards can be so profound when we discover that we are capable of going beyond ourselves and doing something that feels pretty foreign, but is in fact quite virtuous. 

I have made a deliberate effort to forgive every person who has ever hurt me. We are all imperfect and I don’t desire to go through life carrying resentments on my back – it serves no meaningful purpose. 

 

 

 

- RACHEL A. SUSSMAN, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer with a private practice in New York City. For more information visit her website:  http://www.sussmancounseling.com

Communication That's a Win-Win

In many settings, you can struggle to effectively communicate your thoughts and intentions. Communication is about helping the listener understand your true intention. In any setting you have to consider who you are speaking to (manager, colleague, subordinate, senior leaders, spouse, family member or friend) and ask yourself these 5 questions: 

What do they need to know? - Prior to any interaction with someone (meeting, phone call, product sale, etc.), think about what it is that you want the other person(s) to know. In many cases what a manager needs to know about a particular project is significantly different than what a peer or colleague may need to know.  Be intentional about what you want them to know - contributing to the advancement of their relevant knowledge.

What do they need to do after the conversation? - Just like you should examine what you want them to know, you should also consider what action you want them to take after your interaction. Is there a specific action you want them to take or were you simply communicating to inform them?  

What do you want them to be thinking about? - One of your goals should be to stay top of mind and one way you do that is to consider what it is you want them to be thinking about after you have a conversation or other interaction. What thoughts do you want to inspire them to have? Where do you want their attention focused?

How do you want them to feel? - You may not think that feelings have a place in business but the fact is that many a decision has been made based on emotion and ultimately people do business with people they know, like and trust - you know that gut feeling you and others get about those you interact with.  Feelings matter, so you want to think about how you want them to feel after they've had a particular experience with you. What emotions do you want to evoke?  

What do you want them to have? - The final question is to think about what you want them to have after your exchange is complete. Do you want them to have an understanding? Insights? Commitment to act? 

Each of these questions can help guide your conversation towards your desired outcome. Next time you are planning a meeting or preparing for an exchange with a colleague, guide yourself through the Know-Do-Think-Feel-Have model and notice how your interactions shift for the better.

 

 

 

 

 

Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach

Command Their Attention and be Heard

Want to stand out -- be seen and heard? Want one of your winning ideas to be adopted? Here are 3 surefire steps to get recognized for the work you do.

Be Seen
Communicate from a position of power.  The way you dress is important as well as the way you carry yourself. Use gestures of power—no waving hands. Stand tall. Keep your head up high.

Be Heard
Use your words wisely. Speak in short sentences that are thought out and meaningful. Talk in a deep voice, no shrill sounds. Before you walk into the room, do a few voice exercises. You can find simple ones online.

Be There
Don’t put on a persona. Be yourself--that is most attractive. Authenticity is the key to power. People want to get to know the ‘real you.’

4 Ways to Make Up When You’ve Had a Bad Fight

The fight you had is draining all of your energy and taking up all of your thoughts. Where do you go from here? 

We know that saying the words “I’m sorry” when you’ve had a fight are important. But sometimes, it can be too hard to say! Whether we are completely justified, partially justified, or even totally wrong, there is power in taking ownership of our contribution to a fight and choosing peace. It may not be easy, so let’s explore some of the things you can do before saying “I’m sorry”: 

Choose something bigger. Sometimes it’s not about being right, but about healing the relationship. When you have reached a point where nothing can change and nothing good is going to come out of continued confrontation, it’s time to choose your relationship over this battle. Think back on what is most important to you, and remember your priorities. Hopefully they include a strong relationship with someone you love and who loves you back.

Take some time. Give yourself space from the other person and clear your mind. View yourself from an outsider’s perspective, and list why you might have responded the way you did in this fight. Are you hurting, lonely, frustrated? Be compassionate towards yourself as you come to any realizations, and note the insights you gain into your reasons for fighting. 

Walk in their shoes. Once you’ve gained some empathy for yourself, list all of the ways this person might be under stress, and why they might have acted the way they did. You might feel some of your anger leave, and even a little empathy take its place. 

Keep it simple and sincere. Now that you’ve gone through these steps, you can be authentic in your apology. Start with recognizing your part in the fight, and express understanding for their anger. Be calm, brief and to the point. Most importantly, reaffirm how you feel about your relationship and how important it is to make it a loving one. 

Even after going through this process and offering a heartfelt apology, the other person might not be in the same place as you. Allow them time to process, and gently set boundaries for talking about the issue until you are both in a good place. When the time is right, you can even identify ways to avoid a bad fight in the future, and develop stronger communication to stop these battles before they begin.

 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson, Parent Educator and Positive Youth Development Specialist

Spring Clean Your Career Today

April is historically the time for Spring Cleaning. What a better time than now to get your dust rag out and do a bit of cleaning up of your career. It is a great time to take inventory and course correct where necessary. Here are 4 easy ways to "spring clean" your career.

Clarify your career vision - For so many women who achieve success - it happens by accident, without a clear vision or plan. Take some time to clarify based on where you are in your career today where you want to go. Is the C-Suite still your target? Are you interested in an international assignment? Does your heart really want to be home with your children? Whatever it is, be willing to tell yourself the truth and write a clear vision of career success for you.  

Craft your career succession plan - Once you clarify your vision it is time to determine the roles necessary to achieve your career success. You need to review the roles in your organization and determine which jobs you want/need on your resume to set you up for your final role. Evaluate the skills needed for your dream job and then decide which roles and in what order you want your career to advance.  Make sure that your assignments align with your aspirations. 

Enroll key sponsors and advocates - It takes a team to craft your career success. As you climb the corporate ladder, you will need a team as well. Evaluate your current network and determine who is and is not an advocate. For those who are your advocates continue to enhance those relationships. For those who need support from but may not be an advocate craft a plan to clean up that relationship. Take some time to evaluate who is not a sponsor that needs to be and craft a plan to gain their support.

Execute daily - Career success is impossible without consistent execution. You have to deliver daily with excellence. Make sure you meet or exceed your professional objectives and use your accomplishments to enroll your sponsors and advocates.

Happy spring cleaning!

Pick up your career “swiffer" and work on these 4 steps to spring clean your career and you'll likely experience a renewed sense of meaning, joy and contribution.

 

 

 

 

Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach

How to Deal with People Who Drain Your Energy

Let’s eavesdrop on a conversation with an energy vampire.

THEM: 
They insist that you invest your energy in their cause, and their cause always seems hopeless - or it’s just not your cause.

YOU: 
To avoid being rude, you accept their agenda. Now your brain mirrors their agitation. And it piles on your own agitation about the time you’ve wasted. 

You feel depleted when you finally break free from this interaction. You resolve to make it different next time. Let’s eavesdrop on the next time.

THEM: 
They insist that their cause is righteous and any good person would surely agree.

YOU: 
You start to raise objections, but they become more insistent so you decide to save time by going along. You end up depleted.

To change this dynamic, you need to understand your mammalian herd impulse. In the state of nature, mammals live in groups for protection from predators. Natural selection built a brain that constantly seeks safety in numbers. When you mesh with the person in front of you, your mammal brain releases the nice safe feeling of oxytocin. If you refuse to mesh with that person, your mammal brain alarms you with fear of isolation, which means instant death in the state of nature. You’re not consciously thinking this in words, but the brain we’ve inherited turns on threat chemicals when we separate from the herd.

But it’s complicated. Oxytocin is only released when you connect to someone you trust. If you don’t trust that person, your brain turns on the bad feeling of cortisol. Today, cortisol is called the “stress chemical,” but in the state of nature it signals pain and the anticipation of pain. So meshing with someone you don’t trust triggers the anticipation of pain, but distancing triggers fear of losing your herd. What’s a big-brained mammal to do?

You can re-wire the circuits that control these chemicals. You can wire yourself to feel safe when you distance yourself from your herd or pack or troop. It’s harder than you may think, alas, because slashing a new trail through your jungle of neurons is harder than flowing down the neural superhighways you built long ago.

It’s frustrating to think that your neurochemistry got wired in youth, but the reasons are obvious in the animal world. Reptiles leave home the instant they’re born because they’re already hard-wired with the life skills they need. Mammals are born helpless and build their survival skills during a period of early dependence. We mammals are not pre-programmed with the experience of our ancestors; we wire ourselves from our unique individual experience. The bigger a mammal’s brain, longer its childhood, because neurons take time to connect in useful ways. By the time you face that energy vampire, some of your neurons became super-highways while others got pruned.

Everyone gets wired to fear isolation because the threat is real in your early experience. This fear can waste a lot of your energy until you wire in an alternative. Fortunately, you can do that by repeating a new thought or behavior every day without fail for 45 days. Your old circuit will always be there, but your new circuit will grow big enough to start feeling natural.

So what new thought or behavior will you choose? There’s no easy answer because you still face the unfortunate choice between meshing with a person you don’t really trust, and refusing to mesh and risking isolation. But our brain evolved to meet survival needs, and it rewards you with a good feeling when you meet a need. If you believe you are meeting your needs, you will feel good. Let’s eavesdrop on a new encounter with the energy vampire.

THEM: 
They broadcast an inflamed view of a situation and insist on your agreement.

YOU: 
“Interesting. I’ll think it over.”

THEM: 
“But don’t you see…” they persist. 

YOU: 
In the past you would have felt alarm when you resisted the pressure to sync with this person. But you have spent the last 45 days activating the idea that you are safe with or without their approval. Each day for 45 days, you have reminded yourself that you have built effective survival skills, and you will be able to meet your needs with or without this person’s support. But you don’t want to be rude….so you’re still tempted to donate your energy to their cause.

THEM: 
They shame you for not “getting it” faster and for failing to trust them.

YOU: 
That’s enough. Your brain weighs this new bit of information along with the others. You are confident that you have acted like a worthy member of the herd, and you are confident of your steps away from the herd too. You decide when to step back and how far, and it feels good.

Congratulations! You have held on to your energy! 

You may think it’s selfish to focus on your needs, but it’s the job your brain evolved to do. If you invest your energy in the needs of the energy vampire instead, your brain will alarm you with cortisol. This doesn’t mean you should follow your short run impulses, since long-term consequences trigger cortisol if you don’t account for them. It means your brain will reward you with a good feeling if you stay focused on your needs, whether others consent or not.

 

 

 

 

- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels