Helene Lerner's Blog, page 40

When is it the Right Time to Let Love Go?

One of the motivating factors of our existence is connection. It’s what makes us feel supported and loved. So we surround ourselves with our family, friends, and partner. But what happens when we love someone and it’s not working. When do we decide to let it go?

When it changes you...for the worst. There are going to be people in your life that you love but let’s face it, they bring you down more than they lift you up. When you’re around them they give off negative vibes. When it gets to a point where their negativity brings you down it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

When it’s all-consuming. At first, it’s new, fun and exciting -- you want to see each other all the time. But when you become too dependent on this person for your well-being, it can become dangerous. Just like anything in life, it’s good to have a balance.

When it’s not working anymore. You may be afraid to get out of a relationship that isn’t right. Change is scary and getting out there again may seem daunting. But you’ll be much happier for taking a step to better your situation. Sometimes it’s better to feel the fear of the unknown than staying stuck in a situation that appears safe.

-Bre Glynn

5 Things NOT to say at Work

No one wants someone around that spreads negativity. Here are some phrases to avoid at work. Be truthful, do you ever say them? If so, no more.

1. She’s the problem.

2. I doubt we can get it done

3. It's never going to happen!

4. I can’t take credit for it.

5. This is so annoying.

3 Tips for Handling People You Clash With

Every time he comes toward your workstation, you cringe. When she speaks, the sound reminds you of fingernails scratching the blackboard. When he speaks in staff meetings, you feel like rolling your eyes. These three difficult coworkers rub you the wrong way, and you know it’s mutual.

Does your workplace include individuals you can’t stand and clash with? Try these three strategies to gain the upper hand.  

Learn how to really win
We want to like or at least respect everyone in our work environment. When that doesn’t happen, we wonder – is it this person’s fault or mine?  Because we’ve done our best to like these coworkers and haven’t managed to, we assign blame to them. Except – that leaves us in a no-win position. 

Here’s how to win – realize you won’t like everyone, and rise above it. Act with respect toward everyone in your work environment, even if some of them haven’t earned it. Take responsibility for your own actions and attitude, knowing that the effort you put in makes you an even better person.

Work on yourself
By focusing on yourself, you influence the relationship with those you instinctively clash with, because you change the part you can control – you. Ask yourself, “How come this person gets under my skin?”

After you pinpoint the trigger behaviors and identify what really bothers you, take the next step and think “what do I want from this person or situation?” Once you decide that, you can adjust your behavior. 

In one of the conflict management workshops I teach, I ask participants to make a list of the individuals in their network that they get along with well and those they don’t. Next, I ask them to describe their own behaviors toward these individuals. In all cases, their behaviors toward the two sets of individuals radically differ. 

I suggest they try an experiment and for one week interact with those who they don’t like in the same way they treat those with whom they get along well. For example, I suggest they greet their problem coworkers in the morning and ask “How was your weekend?” Workshop attendees report being shocked at the end of the week by how much the changes they make impacted their formerly problematic relationships.   

Take the hard, high road
When we clash with others, we often travel the low road. We complain about those we view as problems, recruiting allies to our “camp.” 

What if you instead took the harder road and didn’t talk about the person with whom you clashed but instead asked this person, “Can we work out a better work relationship?” What if you and the person with whom you clashed identified the problem issues and resolved them or at least agreed on civil ways in ways in which to treat each other? 

Do you clash with others in your workplace? Could you invest the energy you expend clashing in other ways, by learning how to win, working on yourself or working it out?

 

 

 

 

 

© 2016, Lynne Curry, executive coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @lynnecurry10 or on workplaceocoachblog.com or on bullywhisperer.com™

3 Words That Get You What You Want

Do you know of someone who always seems to get what they want?  Things go their way most of the time--and even when they run into obstacles, they find a way around them. I can’t give you a formula for always getting what you want, every single time. But I can share what will point you in that direction. Here are three words (or phrases) to get more of what you want in your life:

Please
When you hear the word “please” from someone you know they’re about to ask something of you. Here’s the thing: would you rather be the one asking for a favor or the one granting it? Are you more comfortable giving than receiving? If so, learn how to say "Please" more often and ask for what you want. It's good you like to give to others--now get good at asking and receiving.

No
Sometimes you’re so busy helping others get what they want, that you don’t have any time or energy for yourself. After all, if you want better health or peace of mind, how can you expect to get either if you’re sacrificing yourself to please others? Say “No” more and you’ll find life saying “Yes” to you more often.

I'm grateful
You can't have a great life without great relationships. But having great relationships requires us to actually like people and to think well of them. Are we patient and gracious with others or are we demanding and critical? Being gracious as you go through life isn’t about being a doormat. You can still be gracious when you have to set boundaries and assert yourself. If you want more in life, think well of others and be gracious when they stumble. The more gracious you are in life, the more life will open up to you and give you more of what you want.

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness. For more from Alan, sign up for his newsletter at alanallard.com.

Times Confident Women Back Down, and Times They Don’t

Life throws us curveballs that sometimes knock us off track. When this happens, you might question whether to keep going or give up. A confident woman knows when to back down and when not to:

A confident woman retreats because...

She gives her energy to someone who is “all get, no give.” Her relationships are not one-sided. There are plenty of people who value her love and attention and will freely give the same.

It just doesn’t add up. She acts from integrity and follows her instincts. When her gut tells her something isn’t quite right, she listens. 

Her stress level is off the charts. She struggles with giving too much and not replenishing herself. She knows she needs a healthy balance.

A confident woman does NOT back down because...

She can make a difference. She is committed to supporting other women. Paying it forward is a priority.

She knows her priorities. She’s worked hard to get where she is and realizes that all issues are not equally important. She chooses what matters most to her and acts accordingly.

She’s passionate about her work. She would probably be doing it even if she didn’t get paid for it. 

5 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotage

We often learn things early on from people who had difficulty loving themselves, but now as adults, we don't have to take on these behaviors.  Here's how to do it differently. 

1.Be aware
Self-sabotage in a strange way may feel comfortable--because for some of us, we get used to doing it. But it doesn't feel good. When you start to cringe or feel that pit in your stomach, you are probably doing something self-defeating.

2.Take action and change channels
Say you're given a compliment for a job well-done, and you start talking too much, saying something like, "it was nothing..," change channels. A better way of handling this, is just to say "thank you."

3.Don't procrastinate
Don't wait to try something new on for size. When you know what you're doing isn't working, the time for changing that is NOW. Not tomorrow.

4.Expect to feel uncomfortable
New behavior will not feel comfortable. Why should it? You are stepping out of your comfort zone. But that's okay, discomfort means that you are growing.

5.Help someone else
A sure way to integrate new behavior is to support others to do the same. Once you become aware of the ways you self-sabotage, you will probably see your behavior in others. It's your turn to help them along.

6 Steps to Making a Successful Job Change

We all have times when we feel like we have hit the ceiling in our career or maybe you have grown as much as you can in your current role and don’t see opportunities to continue to advance. When this happens, it’s time to reclaim your career – on YOUR terms!  Here are 6 simple steps you can take to regain control and craft your career success. 

1. Craft your vision. Given where you are today create a vision for your career that ignites your passion and possibility. Ideally you want to craft a vision that may scare you a bit – it lets you know you are dreaming to your full potential! 

2. Upgrade your mindset. Successful people think and behave differently. They manage their time differently, and most importantly they think differently. Success minded individuals have honed their collection of thoughts and beliefs, which influence their actions to expand their possibilities and support them to do whatever it takes to be successful. 

3. Hone your personal brand. There is so much information and research on personal branding available so let me simply say this. Your brand is created by what you say, what you do, and what others say about what you said and did. In order to achieve your definition of career success you will have to insure that your intention, what you deliver, and what others say about you and your results are in alignment with your career objectives. 

4. Design your strategy. In order to get to where you want to go you will need a clear strategy and action plan. It is time to think about the roles, experiences and opportunities that will set you up for success. Chart out your next few roles and the skills you will need to acquire to reach your goals.

5. Network strategically. Once you have identified your strategy it is time to start to make connections with the people who can support you on your journey and who can appoint you to the positions you desire. When you’re in conversations with those of influence be clear about your ask of them and what you want them to take away from the conversation. 

6. Reward your actions. It’s important that you reward yourself for your progress and successes.  This will keep you motivated along the path for continuous improvement.

Start with these 6 steps and I can assure you that you’ll notice an infusion of progress and joy in your career.  You can say goodbye to those career blues and blahs!

 

 

 

 

Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach

3 Ways a Confident Woman Handles Lying

A confident woman is candid and expects those in her life to be the same. She knows she doesn’t have to put up with people who don’t tell the truth. And here is how she handles them:

1.She confronts the situation. She doesn’t pretend it’s not happening and deals with it in the moment.

2. She doesn’t accept denial. If the other person tries to cover up what she knows is true, she won’t back down.

3. She knows to keep a distance. Moving forward, she has little to do with them—-they are not part of her "inner circle."

 

 

  

4 Things You Should NEVER Tolerate From a Boss

We all want to get ahead and please our bosses so that they advance us. Are there things that we should NOT tolerate from them?

A boss who yells and screams. Your boss has the right to give you feedback, but NO ONE has the right to yell at you. Next time your boss goes on a rampage, calmly ask him to lower his voice, or walk away and report the incident to his boss.

A boss who belittles you frequently. Sometimes people don’t realize their comments are hurtful. And other times, they mean it as a joke. However, you should never allow someone to put you down and make you feel bad. If your boss says something hurtful, approach her one-on-one and explain that you want to improve on the job and are open to constructive criticism, but a demeaning tone is not effective.

A boss who lies. Honesty is vital in any relationship. Ideally, your boss should be your mentor, but that’s not always the case. If you suspect that he stretches the truth, be careful what you say to him, and take any stories he tells you with a grain of salt.

A boss who holds you back. We all want to excel in our careers, and in order to do that, we need strong support systems. A boss who tells you great things but never promotes you will not enable you to grow. If you feel stagnant in your job, and don’t think your boss will give you the push you need, it might be time to look for a new position (within the company or elsewhere).

5 Things That Make a Relationship Last

What are the things that successful couples do to make their relationships work? Well, here are 5 ways to keep the spark burning.

1.  Mean what you say but don’t say it mean. 
Be authentic and direct in your communication. Don’t push something under the rug because you are afraid of the reaction you might get. Couples who stay together deal with those uncomfortable topics that no one really wants to discuss.

2. Don’t second-guess your partner. 
Take what they say as true unless their actions contradict their words.  It is a waste of your energy to doubt, be suspicious, and worry. That energy could be better spent on sharing a fun activity together.

3. Pay attention-draw them out.
One of the greatest things you can do for your loved one is to listen to what they have to say without judgment. If that is difficult for you, practice active listening—that is repeating back, word for word, what they have said. This shows that you understood the communication.

4. Give space. 
We have all heard this, but do we do it enough? Everything does not revolve around you. Encourage them to have outside interests. Although, it might not be something that you enjoy—you can enjoy their telling you about it.  

5. Find something special about them each day, and share that with them.
For long term relationships, that may be hard because you know the person so well. But truly, everyone is changing all the time. Look for something new about them and you will find it. That’s what makes life exciting. And let them know you see that, everyone likes to be acknowledged.  It’s like watering a plant—we all need emotional sustenance.