Helene Lerner's Blog, page 44
March 28, 2016
3 Signs That Your Relationship Might Be In Trouble
It is possible to deny what's really going on. Often our lives are so busy that we go about our day as if nothing is wrong, but is that true? When a relationship is on its last licks, we probably know it even we tell ourselves everything is okay. Here are 3 major signs that it isn't.
1.The person talks "at you" not "to you", and doesn't seem to care. The communication between the two of you has disintegrated. There is little that you have to talk about except the daily routine of keeping the household going.
2. There is very little intimacy. You are not alone much and if, in fact, you go out together it is usually with friends. And when the "date" is over, there is no excitement of being together.
3. Your future together, even planning trips, is not talked about much. The excitement of discovering something new together is non-existent.
In the end, it is better to face the signs of trouble, rather than not deal with it. When things are out in the open, it is possible for change to happen.
3 Ways to Deal with Anger When it Gets the Best of You
When their company was bought Ann and Stewart had the opportunity to be a part of a much larger organization. Both were extremely good at their work, and their revenues each year kept hitting the targets that had been set. Then something began to happen that was troubling to Ann. The leadership in the new organization began giving Stewart larger deals and opportunities. This changed the balance of their results.
After a while Ann began to think she was in an “old boys club,” and felt a mounting anger and resentment towards Stewart for the “special treatment” he was receiving. She determined that for some reason, “the old boys club” held her with less regard, less respect. How could she best address this situation?
Realizing you can’t get “there” from anger
While Ann’s anger and resentment were warranted, in order to be effective in addressing her situation she realized the following: “I saw that I had to face the anger I was feeling and help myself get past it and change it into something constructive.”
Letting go
When anger shows up it is a useful signal. But when it is allowed to fester it becomes toxic – for us and for others. Ann saw that her anger and resentment had become toxic for her. She saw how it was displacing her ability to intervene effectively on her own behalf. She faced her anger, she faced how reluctant she had been to let go of it, and she saw that there were people she could ask for support.
Finding an outcome worth having
Ann identified someone in “the old boys club” she could talk to; someone who she’d forgotten had a great deal of respect for her. She decided to convey her love of her work, her commitment to doing the very best she could in support of the organization’s growth and future, and then ask for his support – all conveyed in a warm, constructive way. She would let him know that she would welcome the opportunity to work on one of the larger deals.
To address a problem from anger and resentment puts people on the defensive. It’s not that the anger and resentment aren’t warranted, it’s that you can’t be effective from “there.” You have to face the anger, not let it fester, and turn it into a result worth having.
Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners
March 27, 2016
3 Simple Ways to Create Positive Vibes
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We all need to feel cared about. Think back to a time when you received a random act of kindness that wasn't planned, how did you feel? Touched, appreciated?
Did it make your day?
If each one of us decided to offer kindness daily to someone, our world would change.
Here are 3 ways to extend yourself that might not be top of mind.
1. Treat yourself with kindness. When we are kind to ourselves, we give off good vibes. Someone coming in contact with us will benefit by our positive energy field.
2. Appreciate Something Special. Pick a positive quality of the person. It could be as simple as something you like about the way they are dressed. When someone takes the time to praise us, it feels good.
3. Watch your knee-jerk reaction. So often we are in the habit of criticizing ourselves and others, Watch your words. Don't belittle, criticize, or talk about something that went wrong. You want to spread good news, not the bad.
March 25, 2016
3 Ways to Get Your Voice Heard When You Feel No One is Listening
How many times have you brought a list of ideas to a meeting only to kick yourself afterward for not speaking up? Have you looked back on a social gathering and realized you hardly got a word in? Have you scared yourself sick over a networking event, fearing no one would want to hear about who you are or what you do?
You might be a culprit of all of the above. Rest assured, you’re not the only one. Researchers estimate that 16-50 percent of people are introverts.
Even if you are more outgoing and can speak up in meetings, maybe you've noticed your ideas aren't coming across effectively. What can you do to ensure that your powerful message doesn't fall on deaf ears?
Whether you're naturally quiet or outspoken, you have a voice and it deserves to be heard. The three tips below offer practices you can start using today to make your voice loud and clear, leaving people hanging on your every word.
1. Speak up Early
You strategize and wait for your perfect opportunity to make your point. Suddenly, the extroverts are taking control over the direction of the conversation.
To avoid this from happening, implement the following strategies:
Challenge yourself. Voice your ideas in the first few minutes of a meeting or conversation. When you speak up while the vibe of the meeting is being set, you establish yourself as a strong participant.Get yourself on the agenda. When you have an important matter to discuss, talk to the meeting organizer about securing allotted time on the agenda. This gives you solo speaking time that you don't have to fight for.Volunteer to represent a project. For example, if you are part of a smaller group assigned to a task, volunteer to be the speaking representative at your department meeting. This forces you to speak more and get comfortable with making your voice heard.2. Speak With a Plan
Doing your homework pays off in both work and social situations. Consider the following strategies to make you feel more confident in speaking:
3. Speak With Conviction
A common communication mistake among women is simply in the powerlessness of our word choices. To speak more effectively, try the following strategies:
Each one of us has a voice that deserves to be heard. Speak up early, speak with a plan and speak with conviction to ensure that people hear your powerful message.
Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated tosharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter@SarahLandrum for more great tips!
5 Quotes to Help You Stay Strong When You Feel Like Giving In
5 Quotes to Help You Stay Strong When You Feel Like Giving In
“Work hard for what you want because it won't come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.”
- Leah LaBelle
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
“Keep the faith, don't lose your perseverance and always trust your gut extinct.”
- Paula Abdul
“I have come to realize that just making yourself happy is most important. Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy. That's my life motto”
- Demi Lovato
“No one has the power to shatter your dreams unless you give it to them.”
- Maeve Greyson
3 Ways to Handle a Liar
We all know those kind of people. They say one thing and then do another. But sometimes they are so convincing, we start doubting our own gut feelings. How do we handle liars so we stay on topic of the situation? Heed these tips:
Watch body signs
Don't just listen to their words. What are their gestures and body stance signaling? They may appear to be open and trusting, yet their arms or legs might be crossed. Look at the total picture.
What do other's say
Liars usually have a reputation. You are not their only victim. If there are a lot of negative rumors, believe them.
Confront them and move on
So you know they're saying one thing, but mean to do another. Don't pretend it isn't happening, confront them head on. Expect that they will try to justify their actions or inaction. Ignore that and tell them you don't have time to argue. Move on.
3 Things to Think About When You're Feeling Depressed
Feeling sad or depressed most of the time is uncomfortable and it's easy to want to try to "get out of it" as soon as possible. But that is not always what's needed. Here are some tips that can help when feeling blue.
Whether you believe it or not, you are okay. However down you are, it helps to accept it and not try to change it. What's useful is to remind yourself that it won't last forever. Usually, these moods come and go. And if they don't, you probably need to see a therapist or counselor.
People care. It's often hard for people who love you to not do anything. If they try to "fix you," realize they care--they just don't know how to help. So tell them something like, "right now, I need to go through this, I know you care. What helps is if you accept my mood."
You are stronger than you think. This experience can help you realize how resilient you are. You haven't denied how you feel, you stayed with it, and took care of yourself. Sometimes when we come out of these "dark nights of the soul," we are stronger than ever.
3 Things Not to Do if You Want a Relationship to Stick
Sometimes when we want to bring people close to us, we may do just the opposite and push them away. Is it the fear of intimacy? Is it that we feel unworthy of being loved? Is it that we just are not used to someone who is really there for us? It may be a little of all of these. But what's most important is HOW NOT TO PUSH THEM AWAY...here are some suggestions.
Don't react. When someone tries to get close to you, you may have a tough time accepting it. Instead of saying something hurtful or dumb to create a distance, breathe deeply and focus on what you really feel. Say something kind and considerate, something that will make them feel good.
Handle your anxiety. If your past experience leads you to believe that they will not be here to stay, question yourself--"how do I know that," ask yourself, "is this really true?" The answer is, no you don't know that this person will behave the same way, so why not give them the benefit of the doubt?
Be sincere and compliment them. They must be doing a lot right. You may not be in the habit of acknowledging this but start to. Each day, tell them at least 3 things you respect about them. It's like watering a plant, we all need some watering--to know that we are having an impact, that we are cared about.
3 Ways to Confront Friends Even When You’re Not Feeling Confident
Sometimes even with the best of friends, it can be intimidating to say what’s really on your mind. You may not feel confident in yourself or even in your relationship, but it’s important to speak up. Otherwise, you may end up resenting yourself or the other person.
Jump in. It's tempting to hold back because you're not sure if your thoughts will be accepted or shot down. Have the courage to speak up, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Recognize your negative mind-talk. Our perceptions of ourselves and others may be distorted. When a negative thought is holding you back, ask yourself, "Is it really true?" Most likely, it isn't.
Don’t take it personally. Even if you open up and they shoot you down, see it as an opportunity to understand their true colors. You’ve learned something from the experience, even if you didn’t get the result you wanted.
3 Surprising Mistakes You Should Make
In order to grow and become our best selves, we have to take calculated risks. So, there’s always the potential for making some mistakes.
We might pick ourselves up and try something different but sometimes we make the mistake and we end up liking where we land. Here are 3 times jumping in headfirst is reckless and totally worth it.
1. Move to a new city
Moving out on your own takes guts. You’re forcing yourself to rely entirely on your own resources. You may be surprised at what you’re capable of when you step out of your comfort zone.
2. Fall in lust
Not every person you date can be the one. That wouldn’t make sense. What does make sense is that you can still learn and grow from each experience. When a relationship fails, you come out learning some things about yourself you may not have known.
3. Say the wrong thing
Sometimes you speak up and you get it wrong. Then you spend your time over-thinking and beating yourself up for it. But look at the bright side – you spoke up! That’s the hardest part. When you mess up, you learn from your mistakes and you know what not to do next time.
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