Helene Lerner's Blog, page 45

3 Ways to Handle Critical People Who Bring You Down

When someone has an opinion about us, we may think it is the truth. But is it? We need to be the final judge.

Be responsible. By taking it on as if it's true, we may distort what is really happening. The judgment may be more about the person giving it, than you. Decipher what fits, and leave the rest.

Stay centered. We can't change people. Trying to alter their behavior towards you may or may not be productive. But you can choose to separate their projections from your self-image.

Question your self-talk. Criticism from others triggers that negative, judgmental voice inside us. If we listen to it, we lose confidence. Simply recognize negative self-talk for what it is and move on. 

 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness. For more from Alan, sign up for his newsletter at alanallard.com.

3 Ways to Understand What is not Being Said in a Conversation

We’ve all been in situations in which we’re in a conversation with someone and it becomes obvious to us that the person we’re talking to is not saying what they really think. In general, and in most instances, it’s better to know how the other person really thinks and feels even if that contains feedback that is negative or critical. Once you set the stage in a way that truly invites a more honest dialogue, issues are able to be more easily resolved. 

Here are three ways to understand what’s not being said:

Set the stage for a good conversation
It’s human nature for most people to want to avoid conflict. In most environments, it’s more acceptable to get along, to avoid a disagreement or potential arguments. But when you sense that something is amiss, you will want to clarify what is going on. Sometimes you will encounter resistance to discuss things openly from someone you are trying to clarify things with… while resistance can increase your discomfort just give things a little time while you gather your thoughts.

A first step you can take is to respectfully ask for a few minutes of their time to discuss things. If the person continues to avoid talking directly with you don’t let that stop you. Say, in a warm, non-confrontational tone, that you realize something is amiss, and that whatever it is, you would hope there could be an open and honest conversation to clarify the situation together. You could say you realize that sometimes the reluctance to have a conversation is to avoid conflict but that you would like to be able to have a constructive conversation even if it involves something difficult to discuss. 

Express that you believe it is important to hear constructive criticism, and that open and honest dialogue is the only way you (or anyone) can improve and do better. Suggest that constructive feedback can be seen as an expression of partnership; of wanting someone to have the benefit of perspectives they can use toward their development. 

In this way you are providing a constructive context that increases the sense that it is “safe” to have difficult conversations.

Play back what you are hearing, to clarify
In doing this they will be able to correct you if what you played back to them is not what they were intending to say. Greater clarification will be the result.  

Another aspect of this is to pose an assumption: to make a statement about what you believe they’re saying and the implications and actions that may follow… for example: Let’s say you found out that you were not invited to an important meeting in which you thought you’d be included.  You’ve gone to “the right person” to discuss this, and at first he or she seems evasive. You can pose an assumption in a neutral, non-threatening tone and in the spirit of trying to understand what is occurring: “I don’t want to assume something incorrectly, but am I understanding correctly that someone is trying to exclude me from the meeting? Can you suggest a good way to address the issue with this person?” 

Listen well
This can only happen when people feel a sense of safety to do so. If someone takes the risk of sharing something they find difficult to talk about with you, be sure to listen fully before responding. Don’t interrupt, finish their thoughts for them, or offer your thoughts until they’ve had a chance to share their thoughts fully. Then, before you add anything new, play back what they’ve said in order to be sure you have heard their perspective clearly. When you have, thank them for their honesty and support.

 

 

 

 

Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners

 

For more tips on effective communication, check out the video below:

Bad Leaders vs Good Leaders

What are the differences between bad leaders and good leaders?

 

Video Editor: Kelsy Lua

Bad Leaders

tell you what to do
play the blame game
just don't care
make you do it their way
don't want to know what you think

Good Leaders

tell you why it needs to be done
take responsibility 
care
help you find a way
want to know your ideas

 

Adapted from 5 Differences Between Good and Bad Leaders, Alan Allard

5 Reasons Love is Painful

Love feels good because it’s a physical letting down of your guard. So why does this lead to pain so often? Because your brain is touchy when your guard is down. The slightest hint of threat triggers cortisol, the chemical messenger of pain and potential pain. Blaming your partner for your cortisol can send things from bad to worse. You are better off understanding it instead.

Cortisol is easy to understand in animals. Imagine you’re a gazelle munching grass with your herd. You trust them to alert you if predators come near, and that frees you to relax and enjoy. The sense of being safe and protected is caused by a chemical called oxytocin. It would be nice to just enjoy oxytocin all the time, but the mammal brain isn't designed for that. Soon, the other gazelles wander a bit, leaving you dangerously exposed. Your brain goes on alert. A gazelle doesn’t waste energy blaming its buddies for the bad feeling. It simply raises its guard until the next opportunity to lower its guard.

Your oxytocin is flowing as you give and receive trust. Now imagine you’re a monkey enjoying a grooming with one of your troop mates. Suddenly, the bully of your troop comes over and threatens you. You hope your grooming buddy will protect you, but that doesn’t happen. So you do what it takes to protect yourself, and then find another monkey to groom with. Grooming is a huge act of trust. Many chimpanzees are missing fingers and toes because they lowered their guard around the wrong guy. Sometimes your grooming buddies are there for you, and sometimes they aren’t. Your brain responds to the social data of each moment.

While you're enjoying the nice oxytocin feeling, you want to feel that way forever. But all too soon, you are hit by the reality that your partner is a separate person with needs of their own. Your oxytocin drops, and your cortisol is triggered.

How do you react to this cortisol? Most people react in the way they learned when they were young, because that’s when the brain myelinates its pathways. The behaviors you observed when you were young activated your mirror neurons, preparing you to react that way yourself. You may accuse your loved one of throwing you to the wolves. They may accuse you back. Love hurts.

You may not like the idea of managing your cortisol. It's more comfortable to expect your partner to make you feel good all the time. But such expectations are often disappointed. Then, it's nice to know that the urge to merge is just a neurochemical impulse, not an accomplishment you've somehow failed at.

You can enjoy the safety of companionship while remaining responsible for your own internal threat-detector. In fact, it’s what your brain is designed to do!

 

 

 

 

Adapted from When Love Brings Pain, Psychology Today

- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels

5 Quotes to Help You Feel Good About Letting Go

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” 
- Ann Landers

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” 
- Oprah Winfrey

“Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” 
- Mary Manin Morrissey

“There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over - and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its value.”
- Ellen Goodman

“When inspiration does not come, I go for a walk, go to the movie, talk to a friend, let go... The muse is bound to return again, especially if I turn my back!”
- Judy Collins

4 Ways to Cut Ties With People Who Do Us No Good

For better or for worse, we are influenced by the people we associate with. When our energy is being drained by those who are negative, critical, or selfish, we may find ourselves feeling stuck. Take courage knowing there are things we can do to cut ties with people who do us no good.

Know what you deserve: Do you understand how adored you are? How cherished, worthy, and deserving you are? Stand firm in that truth, knowing that you deserve positive and healthy relationships. If you have trouble believing this, I challenge you to reach out to someone who loves you and ask what you deserve. Write down their response, and read it until it becomes what you believe. Compare it to the reality of the relationships you have. You will find strength to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships, and your actions will align with what you know you deserve.

Replace the bad relationship with good: As you cut ties with negative influences, you will need to fill the void in some way. Consciously choose to put your time and energy into positive relationships and activities. Spend time with people who make you laugh and inspire you. Take time to do things that bring you joy. Nurture you. Doing these things is a reminder to yourself of all the good that is out there, and that positivity is now a priority in your life. 

Let go or be dragged (Zen proverb): After you have stopped spending time with people who bring you down, it's important to mentally and emotionally let go. If you don't, you are allowing the relationship to continue to drain you. Imagine getting off a wild horse, only to keep a tight grip on the reins: even though you have dismounted, you are still being dragged all over the place! When you value and respect yourself, you will instinctively know that your mind is too precious to fill with negative thoughts. Let go. 

Move to a place of understanding: Eventually, you move past a bad relationship when you come to see the person as someone who also experiences suffering, joy, fear, and love like you do. While you never condone hurtful behavior and will never again give that person a place in your life to bring you down, you understand they are figuring out life just as you are, and that they just might deserve happiness, too. 

 

 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson

3 Mistakes Confident Women Make and Do Not Repeat

Here is the difference between Cynthia and Charlotte. Cynthia credits her rise to the top with her don’t waste my time—get to the point, non-empathetic style of leading. Charlotte credits hers with a focus on results combined with a true respect and caring of people. As you might guess, when those who have reported to them share their experiences there are real differences. Heed these 3 mistakes Cynthia has made. 

When confidence turns to arrogance. Arrogance is defined in part as haughtiness, egotism, superiority, self-importance, and condescension. Cynthia has “taken many people apart” in her meetings, harshly criticizing them and embarrassing them in the process. While Cynthia has indeed accomplished a great deal that has had her attain the role she currently has, the results of her arrogance have left a lot of negativity.  Charlotte has of course taken people to task about their results, but she’s done it in a way that leaves them empowered to do better. 

When putting someone down appears as a strength, and kindness seems like a weakness: Mistaking the behavior of their oppressors as strength, and disavowing kindness as weakness: Cynthia learned her style from dealing with harsh bosses, and decided that caring behaviors were going to get her nowhere. Determining that kindness was weakness, she “threw away” a part of her that once mattered.

Not supporting other women: The rationale of women who don’t support other women often goes like this: I got here the hard way; they can too. Women who feel this way don’t seek out opportunities to lend their support, or mentor or sponsor an up-and-coming woman. Keep going – there are other women who will support you. There’s no shame in receiving someone’s support, and it is a gift you can offer others you believe in.

 

 

 

 

 

Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners

3 Ways to Deal with Passive Agressive People

Whether it's a co-worker begrudgingly agreeing to your request or your boss deliberately avoiding your suggestion, passive-aggressive responses create tension that is dis-empowering.

Here are some ways to deal with these tricky situations:

Empathize. Although your immediate reaction might be less than generous, empathy can be disarming. Passive-aggressive people likely have difficulty being direct. Understanding that and showing compassion may help to turn things around.

Keep Calm. There can be anger underneath what they are showing you so speak in a calm voice and refrain from being accusatory. Acting this way provides less "fuel for the fire".

Be Clear. It's important to be upfront about your expectations and intentions. When you communicate, keep your statements short and to the point. Also, follow up when you say you will. 

 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness. For more from Alan, sign up for his newsletter at alanallard.com.

3 Ways to Find Out if a Coworker is Sabotaging Your Success

Healthy competition can help us do our best work. But sometimes, we incorrectly perceive competitive behavior. We may begin to worry that our co-workers are getting ahead by bringing us down. Get clear and focus on what's really happening.

Discover your real motivation. If you suspect a coworker is making it more difficult for you to succeed, ask yourself why you feel that way. Is there evidence to suggest this is true? If not, is there another issue you may be feeling insecure about?

Get to know your coworkers. Learning more about how they think and act will help you determine their intentions.

Focus on your work. Instead of worrying about avoiding potential sabotage from your colleagues, just keep doing your best work. That's what will make a good impression on your supervisors.

4 Ways to Handle Gossip

 

Gossip… have you ever been the subject of gossip? How do you feel when you find out? What goes on in your mind? What should you do? Let’s consider an example:

Your boss asked you to lead a meeting that your colleague thought she would be asked to lead. You let him know that Rose thought she would be the one to lead this meeting, but he wanted you to have a chance to hone your presentation skills. Rose is blaming you and gossiping about you to others, accusing you of ingratiating yourself with the boss in order to steal this opportunity right out from under her. You feel hurt that she would think you would do such a thing, and are concerned about the implications for your reputation in the workplace. 

Let’s consider four ways to handle situations in which you find yourself the subject of gossip…

Empathy is always an opportunity: 
Is this someone who has been profoundly disappointed? Is this situation impacting their already low self-esteem? Is this someone going through a tough time in his or her life? Think about what you might be feeling if you were in their shoes. The easiest thing in the world is for people to misunderstand each other. An important skill to develop is looking to understand why someone might be acting out in an uncharacteristic way.

When their behavior goes too far: 
Are you dealing with someone who keeps widening the circle of negative influence at your expense? Someone who has become obsessed with an incident they have decided to blame you for… someone who keeps repeating their “story” to anyone who will listen? You may find out about this because multiple people come to you letting you know that so and so is saying “this” about you. 

If this is the case, and you know you are not to blame, ask if they would be open to a conversation to resolve the incident they are blaming you for. If they aren’t open to trying to resolve things, and their destructive behavior continues, stand up for yourself at the next opportunity. In addition be sure you are telling the people that have come to you exactly what did happen, and the ways you have tried to resolve it. Don’t be passive.

This too will pass: 
It will be tempting to become sidetracked. Gossip aimed at your expense is not only childish and immature it can be hurtful. As emotionally painful as the experience may be, it is a well-known part of the human condition that the emotional impact of hurtful things, over time, will lessen. In the meantime, don’t take your focus off of your work. Force yourself to keep producing your results.

Understand: What kind of person am I dealing with? 
Is their behavior a refection of his or her character? Sometimes there are people who have ego problems. Situations can bring out their destructive side. You may find you are dealing with someone who, for some reason, hasn’t developed internal values that are present in people who understand the importance of being decent and respectful to others. They participate in behaviors that are hurtful to others. People of good character usually do not engage in hurtful gossip; rather they find it easy to behave with decency and compassion, they have no trouble wanting the best for others. 

If you are dealing with someone with a lack of human decency in general, avoiding contact with him or her wherever possible can be a useful part of your strategy. If you are dealing with someone with an ego problem, there is no guarantee they will come back to their senses – but given time they might. If you are dealing with someone who has mistakenly blamed you for something you did not do, you can invite resolution, and then, if they are unwilling to resolve things, you will have at least taken the time to clarify the ways in which they are not seeing things accurately. In addition, take the opportunities presented to square things accurately with those he or she has tried to influence against you.

 

 

 

 

Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners