Helene Lerner's Blog, page 42

3 Ways to Handle Someone Who Is Stealing Your Show

If you’ve ever had it happen to you before, you’ll never forget it. I’m talking about someone trying to take credit that belongs to you—trying to steal your show. Maybe they pitched an idea to the boss, claiming it to be their idea when it was one you shared with them over lunch. Or perhaps they talk as if the team is ahead of schedule due to their leadership, not yours, when reality says otherwise. Whatever the scenario, if someone is trying to steal your show, here are three ways to handle that:

Keep your cool
Very few things are as infuriating as someone stealing your ideas or trying to take credit for your hard work. You’re going to be angry, that’s fine. Be angry, then give yourself a little time to calm down. The last thing you want is to make a bad situation worse—and that’s what you’ll do if you make any decisions in the heat of the moment.

Act quickly
Once you’ve given yourself what you need to get and stay calm, it’s time to take action. You can’t sit by quietly and let someone steal your ideas or take credit for your work. If you do that you might as well send them an engraved invitation to do it again. You’ve heard the saying, “We train people how to treat us”? It’s true. 

Be smart about it
Yes, deal with it now, but be smart about it. If it’s a first offense, talk to the guilty party in private. Let them know the only reason you’re keeping it private is because this was a first offense, not because you’re not taking it seriously. To let them know you mean that, be sure and tell them if it happens again you will bring the boss into the discussion. One more thing: Be sure to document what’ s happened—and let them know you’ve done so.

 

 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness. For more from Alan, sign up for his newsletter at alanallard.com.

4 Types of Toxic People to Avoid

There is a wonderful saying that you are a reflection of the five people with whom you spend the most time. It is important that those five people (as well as everyone else) you spend time with are people who positively contribute to your environment and success both personally and professionally. It is important that you surround yourself with people who are not toxic or destructive. Here are four types of toxic people and some tips to stay away:

Needy Nelly – You know her. She wants your time and attention – ALL of it. She is usually a wonderful person but definitely difficult to maintain contact with for long periods of time. Often when you think of her you are reminded of how much of an energy drain she is to you. It is important to either say goodbye to Nelly for good or have really strong boundaries and limited interactions with her to preserve your time and energy.  

Negative Nancy – Remember Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Constantly moping about? Negative Nancy has her own personal rain cloud over her all the time. She may also be angry, cynical, pessimistic, and more! You definitely don’t need that in your life. When she is in your midst, preserve your positive space the best you can, smile and exit stage left – as quickly as possible!

Self-Centered Sally – She’s the one that believes that the universe revolves around her. Every conversation you have is immediately redirected so that she’s the center of it.  You have to watch out for her because if you are not careful she may leave you feeling inferior or invisible. You can’t control her selfish behavior and remind yourself that your self-worth is not dependent on her or anyone else. 

Passive-Aggressive Patsy – Perhaps one of the most toxic of the bunch is Passive-Aggressive Patsy. She can be nice and sweet one moment and then stab you in the back in the next. She is generally jealous or insecure and likely prone to gossip. Your best defense here is to avoid her whenever possible and certainly do not trust her.  You may be able to discuss her behavior and how it affects you. Now she probably won’t change but at least you will feel more empowered as long as you honor the boundaries you set with her.

No matter how you choose to respond, know that you are in control of who you choose to engage with and the information you share with them about you and your career.  The more time you spend around these toxic types, the more you will be negatively impacted. Do your best to spend most of your time around positive, uplifting people and your life will be better for it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach

5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life

At some point in a couples’ relationship they may feel, for any number of reasons, that their sex life isn't as satisfying as it could be. Sexual problems are so prevalent, that nearly two thirds of all men and women will experience them at some time during their lives. 

Common sexual problems include:

One partner desiring sex more than the other partnerInability to communicate what turns each other onExperiencing pain during intercourseAllowing outside stressors to interfere with our ability to become sexually arousedOne partner desiring a style of sex that the other partner is uncomfortable withOrgasmic difficulties

When Sex Interferes With Your Relationship:
Bob and Annette are in their early 50s, married for three years, and sleeping in separate bedrooms. They haven’t had sex for over six months. They are suffering from both marital and sexual problems that are separate and interrelated. Dara and Ken are newlyweds in their early 20s. Both are sexually inexperienced and having difficulties making love due to this. Their sexual problems have affected their relationship, and they are both overwhelmed with disappointment, guilt, and anxiety. Lucia and Bruce are working parents with two young children. Although they love each other and their life, they find little or no time for romance or intimacy. They haven’t made love for several months. Bruce is angry with Lucia and feels she pays more attention to the children than to him. Lucia tells Bruce he is selfish and has no idea how difficult her life is. These are a few examples of the circumstances that threaten to derail otherwise healthy unions, and ultimately bring couples into counseling with sexual issues. 

Sexual problems need not damage your relationship. Working together we will create a plan to improve your sex life. My approach includes:

Validation: It’s important to remember that everyone's sex life is individual and there is no objective standard every woman or man needs to meet. If your sex life works for you and your partner, then you should not worry about what everyone else is doing. If, however, you feel dissatisfied with your sex life, in any way, you may want to consider exploring the causes.

Assessment – Exploring the causes: Are your sexual issues a by product of other problems in the relationship, or are they purely sexual or technical in nature? Once these answers are discovered we will create a plan to change and improve the way in which you relate sexually.

Education: Mars & Venus: Men and women tend to define and experience sex in different yet interrelated ways. Women's sexual response tends to be a complex blend of emotional and physical stimuli. It is ultimately a way to feel more intimately involved with their partner. Men tend to be less comfortable with intimacy and more at ease expressing themselves sexually. It’s their way of feeling close and connected.

How past messages can affect our sex life: We are greatly affected by the early messages we received from our family, our religion and our culture. From a very young age we are bombarded with images and notions of what our bodies look like and how we act sexuality. To truly enjoy sex, we may need to free ourselves of preconceived ideas about beauty and sex and learn what feels good to us and what we enjoy. Together we will discuss and explore your feeling about sexuality, teasing out any issues that could be holding you back from experiencing great sex with your partner.

Create a recovery plan: Our consultation time is used as a living laboratory, a place where we can explore different styles, interventions and techniques. It’s time to make a conscious decision to recommit to each other and move sex higher on the priority list. Get creative with your sex life. Find new ways to put some fun, energy and excitement into your relationship. Give yourself permission to explore each other's fantasies any way you can. Communicate, play, have fun and be creative.

 

 

 

- RACHEL A. SUSSMAN, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer with a private practice in New York City. For more information visit her website:  http://www.sussmancounseling.com

4 Ways to Move Forward After a Big Disappointment

You just got fired. Your idea was shot down. You were passed over for a promotion. This can feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. Here are four ways to put a new spin on a major disappointment:

Expect rejection. Even the most successful people have had their ideas, proposals and requests shot down. They're willing to take risks knowing that some of them may not be wins. If you don't get rejected from time to time, you're playing it too safe.

See it for what it is. It is not a rejection of you, but what you are presenting. Just because management rejected this idea doesn't mean they won't buy into the next project.

Learn from it. People who have achieved a lot say, "I've learned more from my failures than my successes." The ones at the top of their game didn't let their rejections defeat them. They learned from them and became better players.

Get motivated. Use rejection to push you to succeed. Prove to those who say you can't do it that you can. And don't give up, no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness. For more from Alan, sign up for his newsletter at alanallard.com.

 

4 Things to Know Before You Commit to a Relationship

You are in a new relationship, it is seemingly going well, it is getting serious, yet there is something that is holding you back from making that ultimate commitment.

This is a topic that often brings people into therapy. You are in a new relationship, it is seemingly going well, it is getting serious, yet there is something that is holding you back from making that ultimate commitment. 

Love and Sex are not enough to sustain a long term relationship. This is a mistake so many couples make… thinking love or sex are enough. There are many ingredients that go into a healthy relationship – and love and sex are only two of them. It’s crucial to evaluate other aspects of the relationship that are equally important such as friendship, values, religion, communication skills.

Something feels wrong. It’s important to listen to both your head and your heart when making a commitment. If something feels wrong, it probably is. It’s important to evaluate what is not working well for you. Could this be your own psychological baggage, or is there really a problem in this relationship that needs to be addressed.

Serious unresolved problems while dating will result in serious unresolved problems in marriage. I often hear, ‘we were unsure if we wanted children while we were dating, and I just assumed it would work itself out when we became married.’ This is an all too common trap that we must beware of. Couples need to discuss crucial life issues such as whether they want to have children, views on religion, values, and economics prior to saying ‘I do”.

Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. Unfortunately this is an all too common trap. We must be aware that sad as it is, often what we see is what we get. If your partner has a drinking or drug problem, is an underachiever or underemployed, is a jealous person, has anger issues, or is emotionally unavailable – stop, drop and roll! These problems need to be addressed and resolved before you make that commitment.

- RACHEL A. SUSSMAN, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer with a private practice in New York City. For more information visit http://www.sussmancounseling.com

4 Important Life Lessons from The King of Pop

As I was driving to a client meeting the other day, one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs, "Man in the Mirror," came on the radio. I was instantly reminded of the many lessons that can be learned from the undisputed King of Pop’s life and legacy. 

Be generous! Michael was generous with his time, his talent and his monetary resources. Be generous with your expertise and be willing to share your gifts appropriately. Regardless of your opinion of Michael, he gave more to charity than any other pop artist (based on the Guinness Book of World Records most charities supported by any Pop Star.) Even with all his talent and his generous spirit, MJ, as fans call him, was surrounded by controversy and lived an incredibly isolated life, not unlike many of you reading this post.

Strive for excellence in everything you do. You never know who is using you as their standard. Many of us go through our journey in life feeling isolated, disconnected from friends and family, and unaware of how much we are really loved and valued by those in our lives. I can’t help but wonder, did Michael know how much he touched the lives of those around him? How important he was to his friends, family, fans and most importantly, his children? Did he know the impact he had on his peers, his industry, and those who attempted to match his greatness in their chosen profession? My guess is, he lived his life unaware of his own worth or impact.  

Be authentic. Your authentic self is always welcome and wanted. It is what gives you credibility to lead lasting change and have massive impact in your organization. To be known and loved is what we all want, yet many of us never truly experience the sense of really being known and really being loved. Whether you agree with Ghandi's notion that you must be the change you wish to see in the world or MJ's assertion that we must start with the man in the mirror, being known and being loved at its essence is about being your authentic self. Michael Jackson was loved round the world but did not experience that love in part because he isolated himself from the world as a protective mechanism. What are you protecting yourself from? Where are you not allowing love and joy into your life – especially your work life? 

Remember that everyone you meet has someone in their life who loves them so treat them with respect. I invite you to be present in every moment: at work, and with friends and family; express your love, care, and concern authentically. As you interact with others, remember that you are interacting with someone's loved one. After MJ’s death, when I saw Paris Michael Katherine Jackson reflect on the loss of her father, I was reminded that Michael was someone's father, someone's brother, someone's uncle, and I wish that we could remember that everyone has someone who loves and cares about them and wants them to be treated well. Maybe that is the best action we can take to honor Michael Jackson, simply to treat others well and remember someone in the world loves them.

 

 

 

 

 

Cornelia Shipley, April 2016 Career Coach

6 Quotes to Help You Let Go and Move On

1. "It’s hard to be clear about who you are when you are carrying around a bunch of baggage from the past. I’ve learned to let go and move more quickly into the next place."
- Angelina Jolie

2. "I'm not sure what the future holds but I do know that I'm going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate. As my dad said 'Nic, it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is."
- Nicole Kidman

3. "I was so scared of ever being alone, and I think, conquering that fear, this year, was actually bigger than any other transition that I had, this entire year."
- Miley Cyrus

4. "When something ends in a way like that, it's important if you can, in a way, go back and revisit it and either shut that door or create a new room. So it was a very healthy, cathartic experience."
- Sienna Miller

5. “You can allow yourself 72 hours of wallowing time. Then you’ve got to get into the gym, stop eating the ice cream and move on.”
- Jennifer Love Hewitt

6. “Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.”
- Miss Piggy

Career Coach: Welcome to April

Hello, my name is Cornelia Shipley and I am excited to be your Career Coach for May. Over this month we will be talking about everything from evaluating promotion opportunities to increasing your personal productivity.

Since 2006, I have been working as an executive coach and strategy consultant for many of the Fortune 1000. Currently I spend most of my time preparing leaders for Senior Executive and C-Suite positions. I have a Master’s in Business Administration and have studied business processes in both Asia and Australia. My husband and I were married in 2012 and live in Atlanta, GA.

What Men Want More Than Sex

Are you shocked by the idea that men could possibly want something more than sex? It's true. The idea made me confront my own stereotypes and beliefs fed by media messages such as "sex sells" and " men want it more than anything on this earth." It's simply not true. The thing men want more than anything else is respect.

Research has shown that men would rather have their wives love them less than disrespect them. A survey conducted by Shaunti Feldhahn found that men want and need to be respected both privately and publicly. But what does respect look like for a man? One basic definition of respect is "a deep admiration for someone you hold in high regard and treat well."

John Gray points out that men feel respected when they can be your hero. He also claims that holding someone in esteem and validating them not only shows respect, but also honors them and makes them feel safe with you. Simply put, your man wants to hear about all the things he is doing "right" and all the ways he is making you happy. He feels very respected when you acknowledge him in front of friends and family, and you get extra bonus points too.

Mat Boggs offers the top 4 forms of respect:

Keep agreements - do what you promise to doListen to and acknowledge his communicationsIf you must offer constructive feedback, always do it in privateCelebrate him in public

In looking at this list of ways to respect your partner,it is clear they want what we want. If we want the same things, why do we often have such a hard time seeing it in the other person? It is not the substance that differs, but the form it takes. The real difference is the delivery, not the intention behind it.

 

 

 

Adapted from Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, Arielle Ford

Women of Impact with Eileen McDonnell

When I think about a leader of excellence, I think of someone who is authentic, smart, wants to make a difference, and produces results. Well, that is Eileen McDonnell, the Chairman and CEO of Penn Mutual. Not only is she stellar at work, but in her personal life she is a single mom with a sense of humor. Her 11 year daughter, Claire, is the CEO of their house, laughs Eileen as she tells me, "it's harder to be a mom than a CEO."

With a track record in the Insurance Industry, Eileen became the Chief Marketing Officer of the company in 2008, and showed signs of her leadership ability at a meeting with the company's leadership team in which she exclaimed--"We are not going to participate in the recession, but on growth." Her strategy worked, because not only did she take over as CEO shortly thereafter, but the company's growth has doubled since then.

Eileen is being featured in our second episode of Women of Impact: Inspiring Action and Change, being released today. She has some important tips for you on how to take charge of your career and take the right risks.

Be sure to experience this amazing leader first-hand. You can read Eileen's blog here, and watch our conversation below: