3 Ways to Understand What is not Being Said in a Conversation

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3 Ways to Understand What is not Being Said in a Conversation

We’ve all been in situations in which we’re in a conversation with someone and it becomes obvious to us that the person we’re talking to is not saying what they really think. In general, and in most instances, it’s better to know how the other person really thinks and feels even if that contains feedback that is negative or critical. Once you set the stage in a way that truly invites a more honest dialogue, issues are able to be more easily resolved.

Here are three ways to understand what’s not being said:

Set the stage for a good conversation
It’s human nature for most people to want to avoid conflict. In most environments, it’s more acceptable to get along, to avoid a disagreement or potential arguments. But when you sense that something is amiss, you will want to clarify what is going on. Sometimes you will encounter resistance to discuss things openly from someone you are trying to clarify things with… while resistance can increase your discomfort just give things a little time while you gather your thoughts.

A first step you can take is to respectfully ask for a few minutes of their time to discuss things. If the person continues to avoid talking directly with you don’t let that stop you. Say, in a warm, non-confrontational tone, that you realize something is amiss, and that whatever it is, you would hope there could be an open and honest conversation to clarify the situation together. You could say you realize that sometimes the reluctance to have a conversation is to avoid conflict but that you would like to be able to have a constructive conversation even if it involves something difficult to discuss.

Express that you believe it is important to hear constructive criticism, and that open and honest dialogue is the only way you (or anyone) can improve and do better. Suggest that constructive feedback can be seen as an expression of partnership; of wanting someone to have the benefit of perspectives they can use toward their development.

In this way you are providing a constructive context that increases the sense that it is “safe” to have difficult conversations.

Play back what you are hearing, to clarify
In doing this they will be able to correct you if what you played back to them is not what they were intending to say. Greater clarification will be the result.

Another aspect of this is to pose an assumption: to make a statement about what you believe they’re saying and the implications and actions that may follow… for example: Let’s say you found out that you were not invited to an important meeting in which you thought you’d be included. You’ve gone to “the right person” to discuss this, and at first he or she seems evasive. You can pose an assumption in a neutral, non-threatening tone and in the spirit of trying to understand what is occurring: “I don’t want to assume something incorrectly, but am I understanding correctly that someone is trying to exclude me from the meeting? Can you suggest a good way to address the issue with this person?”

Listen well
This can only happen when people feel a sense of safety to do so. If someone takes the risk of sharing something they find difficult to talk about with you, be sure to listen fully before responding. Don’t interrupt, finish their thoughts for them, or offer your thoughts until they’ve had a chance to share their thoughts fully. Then, before you add anything new, play back what they’ve said in order to be sure you have heard their perspective clearly. When you have, thank them for their honesty and support.