Helene Lerner's Blog, page 49
March 9, 2016
3 Times We Criticize Ourselves And How We Can Stop
Is your glass half empty? No we’re not talking about your drink (but if it is, by all means, grab a refill!). We’re talking about your self-perception. If you’re like many people, you’re constantly burdened by your own negative inner voice that doesn’t seem to take a break. You tell yourself you’re not doing enough, you don’t have enough, and you aren’t good enough. It’s easy to do especially in today’s culture, with newsfeeds filled with filtered perceptions of beauty, success, and happiness. So what are the thoughts that plague us most often, and how do we stop them?
1. I’m not successful enough.
You feel like you should talk to your boss about more responsibility, but that negative chatter in your head is telling you you’re not ready. Instead of thinking about how you’re not qualified, think about how you are. It’s been said that a woman won’t go after a job if she has 6 out of the 8 skills listed because she feels she needs to have all of the skills to qualify. A man, on the other hand, will go after a job when he has only 2 out of the 8 skills listed. Own your power and take the step towards your success, even if it’s a little scary.
2. I’m not a good enough, mother, daughter, wife, girlfriend.
Don’t get down on yourself for not living up to your expectations of what makes a great wife, mother, daughter, and so on. Instead, remind yourself that you are so fortunate to have them in your life, and make a conscious decision to remember this whenever your negative thoughts resurface. Realize that you are enough and you do enough.
3. I’m not attractive enough.
It’s easy to look in the mirror and think you could look better. You get down on yourself because you don’t look the way you wish you looked. But this negativity isn’t helping; it’s just making you upset and discouraged. Give yourself a break. Let go of the perfectionist mentality, because it’s not realistic.
4 Ways To Let Go Of Things You Cannot Control
Hitting “the wall.” Four steps to finding your power in situations that are beyond your control…
Our Paradox: We all want to be in control of what happens in our lives yet from traffic to tragedy things happens for each of us that are out of our control. While we prefer the feeling of being in control there is another source of power available when we’re not.
Recognize when control is out of your hands: I thought I had the strength of superwoman as for years I dealt with mounting fatigue by pushing through – that is, until I contracted a compound viral infection and was told by my doctor that I needed to stop working for “a while.” Absolute panic took hold when her response to my question of “for how long” was that she had no idea how long the recovery process would take. My will had gotten me through the fatigue up to this point – now what?
Acceptance is key: I realized I couldn’t “will” my way out of this, and, fortunately, I realized that I needed to accept, that like it or not, this was the situation I was in. Unexpectedly, once I stopped resisting and accepted my situation, a feeling of quiet calm came over me. Inside that place of quiet calm I was able to reflect and learn. And grow.
Open yourself to learning all you can from your situation: In this calm, receptive state I began asking myself questions like “How did I get here?” “What has this situation come to teach me?” “What can I learn that might be of help to others?” I began to see the difference between the strength of our will, and what I came to call our generative power. I recognized that I was asking these questions not only from my intellect but also with my heart. I saw that I was generating a condition in which answers could come to me, without struggle or worry or angst.
Flipping the switch: When you have a situation that is out of your control acceptance can bring you into a state of receptive calm. From there, your heartfelt questions serve to turn on your generative power – as if flipping a switch to turn on a light. When you do, you’ll find that there is wisdom there waiting for you to find it. Your will makes things happen. Your acceptance allows things to happen. Both are forms of power. One operates from control, the other when you are accepting, calm and receptive. Embracing what you cannot control leads you there.
Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners
March 8, 2016
3 Ways to Get a Yes From Your Manager
Do you need to convince your manager to give you extra personal leave? To give you a chance at an opportunity the manager might consider beyond your ability? Do you want your manager to investigate a problem situation that negatively impacts you? Is there another area in which you need a “yes” from your manager before you can move forward?
If you’d like success when you make your request, try these three strategies.
Understand what leads someone to buy-in
Have you ever bought something way too expensive? If so, your decision-making process can give insight into how to talk your manager into a “yes.” Consider what the reasons you almost didn’t buy it and what led you to buy it. Chances are, you almost didn’t buy it because it cost too much and you realized you didn’t need it, both logical reasons. In contrast, you bought it because you wanted it, you felt you deserved it and it made you feel good.
What leads someone to buy or buy-in? Emotional reasons, not logical ones. We all listen to the same inner radio station, WIFM: what’s in it for me? How does your manager benefit by saying yes? What matters more to your manager – productivity, morale, or how things look to those above the manager?
Make a “yes” easy
Despite the emotional component to buying in, if you want a manager to say “yes,” make it easy. Provide your manager something more substantial than your desire. Give your manager factual, accurate, objective information to support your request.
Additionally, anticipate any obstacles or your manager’s objections to saying yes. For example, if you’re asking your manager to give you additional leave, how do you plan to handle the impact on your workload? If you’re asking a manager to investigate a situation, you might say, “You may be wondering about the furor an investigation may create. Here’s how I think you can mitigate that.”
Dialogue not monologue
When someone talks at you, how do you respond? If you quickly answer, “It makes me back off,” that might happen to your manager if you talk non-stop when making your request. Monologues can lead the person you’re trying to convince into tuning you out.
When you present a request to your manager, decide how you’ll intersperse questions into the conversation. You might ask the manager, “Have you noticed this happening as well?” or “What are your thoughts so far?” After all, what will a manager believe more readily, what he or she says in response to your questions or what you say?
Do you need a “yes” from your manager before you can move forward? Understand “what’s in it” for your manager, make the “yes” easy, and make your request a conversation – and you may get what you want.
© 2016, Lynne Curry, professional coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her on Twitter @lynnecurry10 or on workplaceocoachblog.com.
6 Quotes To Inspire You To Stay Strong, Stand Tall, And Be Bold
Today is International Women’s Day: To our sisters around the world who have the courage to stay strong in the midst of adversity.We honor you with these quotes.
1. I speak not for myself but for those without voice... those who have fought for their rights... their right to live in peace, their right to be treated with dignity, their right to equality of opportunity, their right to be educated.
- Malala Yousafzai
2. If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher
3. “Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we're scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don't have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own 'to do' list.”
- Michelle Obama
4. I hope the fathers and mothers of little girls will look at them and say 'yes, women can.'
- Dilma Rousseff
5. The one thing I have never been afraid of is standing before important people and speaking my mind. I represent women who may never have the opportunity to go to the UN or meet with a president. I'm never afraid to speak truth to power.
- Leymah Gbowee
6. A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult.
- Melinda Gates
March 7, 2016
5 Quotes From Inspiring Women In History
Women’s History Month
In honor of the women who have inspired us
“I’m inspired by failure. The process of defeat. Picking yourself back up again is the hardest thing in the world.” – Lolo Jones, Gold Medal Winning Olympian
“You can’t just sit there and wait for people to give you that golden dream, you’ve got to get out there and make it happen yourself. – Diana Ross, Singer, Actress, Record Producer
“A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture, and transform.” – Diane Mariechild, author of Mother of Wit
“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” – Gloria Steinem, Journalist and Political Activist
“Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” – Ella Fitzgerald, Jazz Singer
Video Editor: Michelle Purpura
3 Words Confident Women NEVER Say and 3 Words They Always Use
We all know that language is a crucial communication tool. The powerful use of words can be influential in a crowd and at the workplace, as well as in our daily lives. But it isn’t just about getting a point across to the world: words are the building blocks for our frame of mind that impacts the results we create, that empowers and motivates. Once you realize this, it becomes clear that bringing awareness to the words used by the inner voice is just as critical as being careful with the words we use with others.
3 words to ban from your vocabulary:
1. “Can’t.”
It is a weakening and disempowering word. As we grow up, we start to put ourselves in a box and believe that box to be our reality, even though what we are capable of is often greater and wider than we can imagine. When you say “I can’t”, you are giving power to your limitations, not your possibilities. Once you say it enough, “I can’t hike up that hill,” then quite simply, you never will.
2. “Wish.”
There is no magic box or wizard out there to grant your wishes! Our dreams require hard work, planning and support. We can wish to be CEO, but we have to stop wishing and start DOING to make it happen. That could mean late nights, lots of networking, developing soft and hard skills.
3. “But.” Notice if you asked yourself, “but why?” it reduces any statement you just made, it’s a downer! You were going to do X “but”.... and there is often an excuse that follows. It’s also usually argumentative. People offer solutions to our concerns, and when we are not willing to listen or change, we counter with a “but” and an excuse for why it won’t work. It’s the language of disempowerment.
Instead say: “And.” Watch out for the openness you create in your mind and in the responses you receive when you replace your “ifs” and “buts” with “ands” and “sures.”3 words to always use
1. "Choose"
You can see immediately how it lifts the energy when you say “I choose to” instead of “I have to” or “I need to.” Say, “I choose to stay late tonight at work,” and not “I have to work late,” which creates the feeling of pressure. Or, perhaps you choose NOT to, which is also fine instead of “I can’t” or “I won’t.” It speaks from a place of direction and responsibility. Another effective alternative is, “I intend.”
2. "Know"
If you know something, say it! Confident people are not afraid to say “I know” while the rest of the group hides behind “I think” and “maybe.” In the same vein, feel comfortable with admitting you don’t know and have to do some research. The confident woman is also not afraid to build up people around her, and is much more likely to say, “You’re awesome and I KNOW you can do it,” instead of, “I really think you can do this,” which does not convince or encourage anyone.
3. "Thank You"
As writer G.B. Stern said: “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” Gratitude is important to the speaker and the listener. When you say “thank you”, make it specific, timely and genuine. As a leader, acknowledging the work of another allows you to put in perspective the role of those around and stay humble. For the listener, it creates the feeling of being appreciated and valued. A confident woman always expresses her gratitude with a clear and present “thank you.”
Leena Roy, CFA/CPC is a Professional Coach for Managers. A program designed to elevate and empower Mid-level Managers & Professionals to achieve their highest potential.
4 Tricks for Finding Confidence Even When You Are Afraid
Is there something you really want to try or do, but you’ve psyched yourself out? Have you stopped yourself because you worry the odds are stacked against you?
Do you want to give it – and yourself -- a shot? Here’s how:
Manage your mind
Stop psyching yourself out. When you see an opportunity you’d like to try for don’t whisper, “I don’t think I can,” or “she’ll be so much better than I,” into your inside ear.
Instead, consider some of the challenges you’ve faced in your life, whether that was marshalling up the guts to talk with someone outside your normal circle of acquaintances, putting your hat in the ring for a challenging job, or raising a child on your own. Yes, it was hard, but yes, you did it.
If you’ve achieved results in one arena, you can accomplish goals in another. Change your self-talk and tell yourself, “When I put my mind to something, I’m able to make it happen.”
Act the part
If you’re having a difficult time growing confidence from the inside out, grow it from the outside in. Is there a risk you want to take? Take a step toward that risk, and then another one. In Beating the Workplace Bully I wrote “think what a brave person would do and become that brave person.” Act as if you have confidence and soon you’ll begin to wonder, “why did I think this was outside of my ability?”
Change how you view the risk of failure
Do you know what you want to do, yet fear failure? Maybe it’s time to reassess what trying and failing means. When you take risks that don’t work out, you gain experience and learn from your mistakes. If you keep trying despite obstacles, you’ll discover strength and talents you didn’t know you had. Once you try, you’re no longer the same person you were before you started; you’ve changed yourself into a person more likely to succeed in the future. Best of all, risk-taking, even if you fail, teaches you to conquer your fear.
Commit to yourself
Is there something you’d like to try for, but you hesitate? Stop underestimating your ability to handle what might happen if you try and don’t succeed. You’ll simply need to try again. Stop selling yourself short. Challenge your doubts. Is there something you’d like to try or try for? Go for it.
© 2016, Lynne Curry, professional coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her on Twitter @lynnecurry10 or on workplaceocoachblog.com.
4 Steps for Dealing With a Difficult Situation You Did Not Expect
Sometimes an upset can wreck havoc in your personal or professional life. Like an earthquake, it can seem to come from out of nowhere, disconnect you from your moorings, and turn your world upside down. Here are the steps one manager took to restore her equilibrium when she felt betrayed by someone she had supported for quite some time…
She clarified what happened: “I have brought Susan along; I’ve empowered and advised her so she would be successful—and she has been. Behind my back, and with no indication to me that anything had been amiss, she went to my boss, and in very emotional terms said that she was leaving. My boss, without involving me asked her what it would take for her to stay. Her condition was that she would no longer report to me, and he agreed, telling her she could report to him directly.”
She defined the consequences: “In that moment he compromised my stature and power in the organization. Part of what hurt so much was that he did not even give me the courtesy of checking things out with me before making his decision. Never once had Susan let on that she was having any problem with me—quite the opposite—though she frequently sought and got my help with difficulties she was having with others. I feel betrayed by her… and by my boss as well.”
She regained her equilibrium: “I grabbed a notebook and began writing. I wrote down everything I was thinking, everything I was feeling. I wrote and wrote, not being careful, just getting all my thoughts and feelings down onto the page: how could he do that to me, how could she, how powerless I felt, how angry I felt; I wrote everything, emptying all of it from my mind. The funny thing was that after I did that, I felt somehow lighter and freer even though nothing about my situation had changed. But writing it all down in this way allowed me to regain my perspective, and I knew—actually I made a promise to myself—that somehow I would figure out what I needed to do to take care of myself in this situation.”
The process allowed her to proceed with dignity and purpose.
She took her power back: As this manager faced the sense of betrayal she had experienced she came to a profound recognition that she deserved better. Then she asked herself a critical question: “How do I get my power back?” Here is how she answered this for herself:
“In the end what will make a difference to me will be how I go on; I can decide to stay or leave… and if my decision is to stay, then I need to discover how to have my remaining time at this organization be rewarding. I have invested a great deal of myself in helping this organization be successful, and I believe I deserve something better for that... but I also have to realize it is up to me to make certain that happens.”
She took her power back. She knew she couldn’t change what had occurred. But the clarity she gained from facing what had happened reconnected her to her value and the recognition that she deserved better. No longer feeling disempowered by what had occurred, she faced the situation with her boss with dignity and confidence.
Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners
March 5, 2016
3 Ways to Feel Better About Yourself NOW
We all get into funks, and most of us don’t like staying there. How to get out of it? Heed these tips:
1. Know what you do is good enough. Many of us suffer from the “tyranny of trying to be perfect.” The impossible standards we assign to ourselves never work. They make us feel miserable because we can never reach them.
2. Get out of yourself. The easiest way to do that is take a real interest in the challenges someone else is going through, and try to help them.
3. Put yourself in “intensive self-care.” How would you treat your daughter or son? You would show them compassion. Well, now is the time to do that for YOU.
March 4, 2016
4 Reasons Why Confident Women Do NOT Ask For Permission
1. They are determined to succeed.
When confident women decide to do something there is no stopping them. There may be obstacles in their path, but they find a way around them.
2. They know what they’re capable of, and own it.
Confident women know they can get the job done. They are aware of their strengths and admit to their weaknesses. They have nothing to hide and can be counted on.
3. They own their voice
Confident women speak up because they realize what they say matters. They’ve taken time to develop their talents and abilities and give themselves the credit they deserve.
4. They know their worth.
They stand up for themselves when it comes to advancement. They don’t let “small stuff” get in the way of their priorities.
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