Helene Lerner's Blog, page 53
February 24, 2016
5 Mistakes Confident Women Vow Never To Make Again
Here’s the thing about being a confident woman. Everyone tells you to be one, but when you are, they don’t like it so much! However, if you're a confident woman, that's their problem. Confident women may have made the mistake in the past of abandoning their confidence to please others, but no more. Here are five other mistakes confident women have vowed to never make again:
Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings
If someone tells a confident woman, “What you did upset me, why won’t you stop it?” the confident woman refuses to be held hostage by that. She knows she didn’t upset the other person—they did that all by themselves. Yes, if a confident woman has made a mistake, she’s confident enough to own that and apologize. After that, she knows how that person feels is on them, not on her. The confident woman owns her own emotions and expects others to do the same.
Worrying about what others think
The confident woman knows she can’t make everyone happy. She knows there will be plenty of times when someone is unhappy with her or with what she thinks, says, and does. The confident woman is strong enough to listen to feedback, of course—if it’s from a reasonable source. If the feedback makes sense, she’s smart enough use it. If she doesn’t agree with it, the confident woman is secure enough in her own thinking to stay with it.
Using phrases that downplay their power
Confident women are assertive and fear doesn’t trick them into hiding their power. Inserting words such as “just” comes across as, “I feel bad for asking so I’m going to soften my request.” Confident women don’t say, “If you could just take a look at my report,”—they say, “Will you take a look at my report?” Confident women don’t say, “I just want to say,” and then say what’s on their mind—they begin with what’s on their mind. Confident women don’t’ say “This is just my opinion, but” –they say, “My opinion is…” Similar phrases confident women have vowed to abandon include, “You might not agree with this but,” I’m certainly no authority on this,” “I could be wrong about this” and “I’m sorry to ask this.”
Being apologetic when unnecessary
Sloan Crosley, in the June 23, 2015 issue of The New York Times “The Opinion Page” wrote, “For so many women, myself included, apologies are inexorably linked with our conception of politeness. Somehow, as we grew into adults, ‘sorry’ became an entry point to basic affirmative sentences.” Confident women skip all unnecessary apologies and speak with confidence. They don’t say, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid you’ll have to redo your report.” Instead they say, “You need to do the report over again—I’ve made notes on what needs to be corrected.” Confident women don’t say, “I’m sorry, but can you bring me some more salad dressing?” Instead they say skip the “I’m sorry” and say, “I need more salad dressing, would you please bring me more?” As Ms. Crosley wrote, “The sorrys are taking up airtime that should be used for making logical, declarative statements, expressing opinions and relaying accurate impressions of what we want.”
Taking care of everyone but themselves
In our evolutionary history, men were the warriors and hunters while women were the home-makers and care-givers. Women are now warriors and hunters in their own right—but too many are still taking care of everyone but themselves. Women make up half the workforce now but still do more than men in terms of childcare and household work. But not confident women—they do it differently. Confident women have let go of the guilt that drove them to “taking care” of others while neglecting their own happiness and well-being. Confident women find time for themselves because while they are happy to give to others, they are not willing to enable them any longer.
- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness
3 Reasons Women Are NOT Too Emotional
February 23, 2016
4 Tips For Standing Up To Someone Who Puts You Down
“How did I do?” you asked Stan.
Stan shook his head and said, “Maybe others understood what you were saying. You seemed a bit unfocused.”
Your heart sank. You’d sweated buckets over your presentation. Now you felt like kicking yourself for asking Stan for feedback. You share an office with Stan and your first memory of him was when he said, “You must have enjoyed your vacation last month. Those pants look a bit tight. My wife always eats a bit too much on vacations.” At the time, you chalked it up to Stan trying to make conversation. You soon learned he loved putting others down, especially you.
We all know a snarky Stan, who whittles away at our self-esteem. If you want to undo a put-down artist’s damage, use these strategies:
Acknowledge your feelings
It hurts when another diminishes you, what you’ve done or who you are. Belittling comments drain your confidence and trigger shame, anger and other negative emotions. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, as brushed off or shoved down emotions cling and fester.
Realize your part
Those who sling vicious remarks do so to make you feel smaller so they can feel bigger. What they say isn’t truth and you needn’t take it personally. You do, however, need to stop appearing to be an easy target. If you’re the butt of repeated slams, ask yourself “what do I need to do differently?”
Take charge
Eleanor Roosevelt spoke truth when she said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Never let a put-down artist’s mind games change how you feel about yourself or drain you of confidence. Their disrespect reveals who they are, not who you are.
Decide and act
Don’t fall into the “just brush it off” trap. If you ignore, accept or smooth things over after an insult, you let the put down artist feel he’s gotten away with it.
No one has the right to use you for target practice. Your self-esteem is on the line; you can’t ignore another’s nasty remarks and carry on as if they weren’t said.
What does it take? Realize that you deserve respect and may need to train others how they can and can’t treat you. Don’t smolder or roll over and take it, speak your mind. Forcibly cast a nasty slam dunk aside. A firm “that’s unacceptable” or “I won’t tolerate you speaking to me that way” shows you have the self-confidence and backbone needed to stand up for yourself, if and as needed.
© 2016, Lynne Curry, professional coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @lynnecurry10 or onworkplaceocoachblog.com.
3 Strategies for Turning the Tables on a Workplace Bully
February 22, 2016
9 Qualities That Make Women Natural Leaders
As women, we are continually facing challenges, both at home while raising children, and in our careers. There are many situations where we are called upon to deal with problems and quickly find solutions. These problems we face are not crises, but opportunities to be strong. When we are strong, we stand out as natural leaders.
Experience often teaches us to rely upon our natural abilities and follow our instincts, which can help resolve any conflict. Whether it’s a family crisis that needs our immediate attention, or a situation at work that needs diffusing, we are capable of responding in a manner that is helpful to everyone involved.
Because of all the demands placed on us throughout life, women are especially good at dealing with chaos. We are good at facing challenges and overcoming them. Even if we don’t hold a leadership position in the workplace, we can still be leaders by just being who we are and influencing those around us.
Let’s look at 9 qualities that make women strong leaders:
1. Calmness
We have all faced situations where we needed to be calm- just to survive. This is a great quality to have that lets us keep our thoughts clear and remain focused, even in the worst of situations. We are capable of being strong when other people around us might fall apart. Calmness is something that is cultivated by doing stress relieving activities like meditation and yoga.
2. Fairness
As parents, we are continually tested in our ability to be fair in the way we treat our children, so the commitment to fairness is something we expect in our careers as well. Fairness and justice are what we believe in deep down, and these are necessary characteristics of an effective leader.
3. Intuition
Many women possess this kind of secret ingredient. It gives us a deeper understanding of what to expect from other people and how to deal with change, especially when we are called into new situations and working with people we don’t know. Following our intuition is something we should never have doubts about, and something that makes us leaders in any work environment.
4. Compassion
Women are naturally compassionate. We have a way of tuning into the moods, feelings and problems of others. This gives us added insight into the decisions we need to make, and the priorities we want to keep. Caring for others is always a strength.
5. Intelligence
Using our talents is not enough. We often explore new opportunities and look for ways to expand our knowledge. As women and leaders, we use our intelligence combined with our other abilities to make the right decisions. We are called to make good decisions every day, from taking care of the simple things like arranging meetings, or if we need to plan the marketing for a trade show, we rely upon our skills and knowledge to get the results we want.
6. Flexibility
Being flexible is the most helpful quality, when facing conflict. Knowing how to be flexible means we are willing to negotiate changes that need to be made, and we are able to give consideration to the views and needs of others. Everyone appreciates a flexible manager.
7. Confidence
Standing up in front of other people confidently, while expressing our opinions is something many women also do well. This confidence and ability to communicate effectively is the reason other women are likely to see us as role models. When we are confident, it shows in everything we do, especially when we must supervise others.
8. Courage
Many women deal with a variety of inner fears; some are logical and some aren’t. But, we usually find out that our fears aren’t so intimidating as we thought they were, when we learn to do the things necessary to step past them. We overcome fear by facing it.
9. Decisiveness
Being decisive is something that we naturally learn to do, when we realize we are in a situation where action needs to be taken. Our thought process says, ‘Why wait for someone else to do something, when I am capable of handling it?’ We are strong women, when we are willing to make decisions and accept the consequences of them.
No matter what is going on in our personal lives or what situation we are facing in our careers, it is helpful to keep in mind these simple characteristics that make us strong capable women who can also be strong and capable leaders.
Karen Bresnahan is a journalist, photographer, and artist. For more from Karen, view her photography at IdahoNaturals.com or Tweet her @idaho1111.
3 Ways To Make The Most Of Where You Are So You Can Get Where You Want To Be
In 2007 Ursula Burns became the president of Xerox Corporation. In 2009 she became the CEO, and in 2010 she was also named Chairman of Xerox. That’s quite a success story, but like all success stories, there is a beginning. For Ms. Burns, that beginning was as in intern for Xerox in 1980. During her journey, she made the most of where she was to get to where she wanted to be. If you want to do the same, here are three tips:
Learn the lesson the first time
Someone has said that life keeps giving us lessons to be learned. If we fail to learn them, life simply repeats the lesson. I take that as a metaphor and it’s a powerful one. Let’s say you’re in a job where you think your boss is an idiot and you should be the boss. What’s the lesson here that can help you get from where you are to where you want to be?
Maybe the lesson is it’s time you moved on because your company doesn't know what talent is. You can keep making excuses for why you can’t quit your job or you can learn the lesson and move on. Or maybe the lesson is you have a blind spot and you don’t see you’re not ready to be the boss yet. You can focus on your boss being an idiot and maybe you're right. But you'd still be missing the lesson that you're not ready to step into the boss role.
Are you really ready to be “there” yet?
Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” What does that mean for you in terms of getting to be where you want to be? How about this: You can’t say, “You ought to promote me now” or “You should love me now and then I’ll be what you’re looking for." You have to ask, “What are you wanting and needing” and then see if there’s a gap between what is wanted and what you have to offer.
If you want to be promoted or be given a raise you have to ask your boss how you can close the gap from where you are now to where you want to be. Then you have to produce the results that will tell management you should be "there" instead of "here." Until you do that, you’re not ready for where you want to be.
Be happy where you are and you’ll get “there” faster
The old model for living a happy life was “Get a degree, make something of yourself, be successful and you’ll be happy.” The problem is too many still believe the old model works. What we thought would make us happy doesn’t and then we’re left confused, tired and even burned-out. If you want to get to where you want to be faster, start with being happier with what you have and where you’re at now.
It’s hard to get to where you want to be if you’re miserable where you are now. One of the biggest happiness myths is, "I'll be happy when..." However, if you make the most of where you are now, and come from a place of gratitude for what you have now, you’ll attract the attention of the people who can help you get where you want to be. Don't wait until you get "there" to be happy. Be happier now so you'll enjoy the journey along the way.
- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness
Five Signs It's Time to Leave Your Job
February 20, 2016
3 Ways to be Kinder to Yourself
Most of us demand too much of ourselves. We look at we've done wrong before we look at what we've done right. If you identify with this, here are some ways to think more positively about yourself.
Treat yourself as if you were your best friend. You wouldn't constantly tell your best friend that you weren't doing enough. You'd praise her for what she does right. Well, do that for yourself. Acknowledge yourself throughout the day for what you do, do.
Eliminate can't from your vocabulary and substitute the word, won't. You are stronger than you think and more powerful. When you don't do something it is because you choose not to. Remember that the next time you say NO to something.
Acknowledge the kind people who come into your life daily. Choose to see the good in the people you surround yourself with. When you see the good rather than the bad, you just feel better and are more positive.
February 19, 2016
Words of Wisdom From 8 of Your Favorite TV Characters
1. “I wish I could, but I don't want to.” - Phoebe Buffay, Friends
Learning how to say no. Saying no can mean letting someone down or hurting their feelings. It's important, however, to learn that it's OK to say no and it can be good for you too.
2. “I am an individual and I feel how I feel when I feel it.” - Hannah Horvath, Girls
Having the power to own your feelings. Allowing yourself to truly feel the pain, the hurt or the sadness without the additional guilt and pressure of being ashamed of it. When you allow yourself to really feel, you may be surprised at how strong and capable you are.
3. “This is life. Bad things happen, it's hard. You find your people, you find your person, and you lean on them.” - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
Surrounding yourself with the people you love. There are going to be times when going it alone is easier said than done. It's nice to have people around you that can support you in times of need or give you that extra boost.
4. “I'm a tiny dainty woman and these doughnuts are my lunch.” - Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project
Don't take yourself too seriously. Mindy shows us you can still be a strong, independent, successful woman and make fun of yourself from time to time. By not taking yourself too seriously, you are able to see the bigger picture a more little easily and maybe let yourself off the hook when things aren't going as planned.
5. “You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in.” - Red, Orange is the New Black.
Sometimes the blessing is in the struggle. The hard time you may be having now, might be the thing that pushes you in the right direction.
6. “Not just seen. I wanted to be significant.” - Claire Underwood, House of Cards
The importance of owning your voice. Learning to speak up and be an active part of your life. Knowing that what you have to say matters.
7. “I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me!” - Olivia Pope, Scandal
Knowing your worth. You deserve love and respect just like everyone else.
8. “I want a happy life, and I want to control my own fate.” - Alicia Florrick, The Good Wife
You are in charge of your happiness. You are in the driver's seat. Learning that it's up to you gives you a better handle on what it takes to get you there.
8 Quotes From Our Favorite TV Personalities And What You Can Learn From Them
1. “I wish I could, but I don't want to.” - Phoebe Buffay, Friends
Learning how to say no. Saying no can mean letting someone down or hurting their feelings. It's important, however, to learn that it's OK to say no and it can be good for you too.
2. “I am an individual and I feel how I feel when I feel it.” - Hannah Horvath, Girls
Having the power to own your feelings. Allowing yourself to truly feel the pain, the hurt or the sadness without the additional guilt and pressure of being ashamed of it. When you allow yourself to really feel, you may be surprised at how strong and capable you are.
3. “This is life. Bad things happen, it's hard. You find your people, you find your person, and you lean on them.” - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
Surrounding yourself with the people you love. There are going to be times when going it alone is easier said than done. It's nice to have people around you that can support you in times of need or give you that extra boost.
4. “I'm a tiny dainty woman and these doughnuts are my lunch.” - Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project
Don't take yourself too seriously. Mindy shows us you can still be a strong, independent, successful woman and make fun of yourself from time to time. By not taking yourself too seriously, you are able to see the bigger picture a more little easily and maybe let yourself off the hook when things aren't going as planned.
5. “You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in.” - Red, Orange is the New Black.
Sometimes the blessing is in the struggle. The hard time you may be having now, might be the thing that pushes you in the right direction.
6. “Not just seen. I wanted to be significant.” - Claire Underwood, House of Cards
The importance of owning your voice. Learning to speak up and be an active part of your life. Knowing that what you have to say matters.
7. “I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me!” - Olivia Pope, Scandal
Knowing your worth. You deserve love and respect just like everyone else.
8. “I want a happy life, and I want to control my own fate.” - Alicia Florrick, The Good Wife
You are in charge of your happiness. You are in the driver's seat. Learning that it's up to you gives you a better handle on what it takes to get you there.
3 Ways to Embrace Your Sadness without Judgment
As human beings, we experience plenty of emotions. We go through periods of happiness just as easily as we go through periods of sadness. It goes without saying that we prefer the former over the latter. However, sadness has a bad rap when it comes to showing emotion. Society makes us believe it’s less acceptable to be sad or it’s something that needs to be fixed. As a result, we may decide to deal with our sadness behind closed doors or to ignore it all together. Instead of shunning this emotion, what if we embraced it? Below are three ways to not feel so bad about being sad.
1. Give yourself a break. When you’re not feeling so good use it as an excuse to have some quality “me” time. "Solitary time can help you have a better understanding of yourself, your thoughts and your emotions," says Katherine L. Muller, PsyD. Take the time necessary to really reflect on what’s getting you down. Being alone forces you to take the time to address feelings you may not even have known you were neglecting.
2. Take your sadness and access your creative genius. It is widely known that some famous artists like Van Gogh, Hemingway or Poe for example, created masterpieces during periods of emotional torment. Next time you’re feeling down, try something artistic. Maybe you’re the next Cobain and you don’t even know it.
3. Become a better person. Joseph P. Forgas, a social psychologist who works extensively on sadness found that people who were in a sad mood paid closer attention to the needs of others, were more thoughtful and more polite. Instead of feeling the need to change your attitude, use those feelings of sadness to improve your interaction with the people around you.
4 Tips for Handling a Toxic Work Environment
If you’ve been in the working world for a while, chances are strong you’ve had a job or two you didn’t like. Dealing with a job that has little growth opportunity or one in a field you don’t enjoy is annoying, but it’s manageable as a stepping stone in your career.
Working in a toxic environment, on the other hand, is not only difficult to put up with, but can actually have negative effects on your job performance, as well as your physical and mental well-being. A toxic workplace is any job where the work itself, the people, or the company culture causes so much distress that it is unhealthy and damaging to you.
If you don’t have the ability to quit your toxic job at the drop of a hat, here are a few tips on how to handle it:
Document Everything
Especially if the reason for your toxic environment is your colleagues or managers, you must keep a record of everything that happens. Keep all of your emails filed by project, and take notes on all meetings — both internal and external. It may even help to record phone calls, or to create separate folders for your boss or colleagues.
With everything recorded and filed, you can easily go back in your history to find out if a team member is trying to throw you under the bus, a client is trying to squeeze in work not covered in a contract or a manager is trying to claim credit for your work.
In a toxic workplace, you may not be able to rely on other people to help you out. You’ll have to take responsibility for your actions, and for making sure that you’ve covered your bases.
Stand Up for Yourself
When confronted with a toxic work environment, you might find yourself slipping into a habit of shrinking into the background. But in work, as in life, you teach people how to treat you.
Maybe you tell yourself that if you let it just roll off your back, abuse will stop. Maybe you don’t want to cause a rift in the company. The truth is that people let others push them around out of fear. The fear can be of being fired, of being ostracized or of further abuse, but any way you slice it, a toxic environment pushes people to stay silent.
In order to better withstand a toxic workplace, learn to stand up for yourself. If you believe in your own worthiness and hold onto your integrity, respect will follow.
Go Higher
If you’ve brought an issue to your manager, and he or she ignores it — or worse, is a perpetuator of the problem — it’s a good time to go over their heads.
This can be particularly important when it comes to workplace safety. If you work in a job where regulations have to be met, this is not just a personal matter, it’s a legal one.
Workers must undergo on-site training in fields like electrical work, construction and hazardous materials. If your coworkers or managers are skimping on the safety training, it’s time to go to the bigwigs.
Approaching a higher-up can be nerve-wracking and intimidating, but if they can and will solve the problem, you’ve done the right thing. On the other hand, if they won’t do anything about the problem, you should consider getting out.
Plan Your Next Move
Maybe you can’t quit your job, but you should know when to throw in the towel. If your job is causing you mental and physical distress, it’s time to leave.
Most career experts will tell you that you should look for a new job while you’re still employed, and that’s true. It shows potential employers that you’re a smart hire and will stick around for a while. But you still have to watch the way you go about your search.
The most important detail is to not tell others about your job search. In a toxic environment, you never know who’s on your side and who’s out to stab you in the back. Keep it to yourself that you’re on the job hunt or you may find that word gets around quickly, and your toxic situation gets even worse.
Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated tosharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips!
6 Ways to Stand Up to People Who are Pressuring You
February 18, 2016
5 Ways to Get Back Up When You Are Really Down on Yourself
Oprah Winfrey lives the life many dream about. But if you know anything about her you know she had plenty of low times in her life. Sometimes you get knocked off your feet and wonder if you can get back up. When that happens it’s easy to get down on yourself. Here are five ways to get back up:
Throw away the magnifying glass
If you’re down on yourself it’s likely you’ve been looking at your negatives, mistakes, and failures through your mental magnifying glass. Take all your "negatives" out from under the magnifying glass and put them in perspective. You’ll feel better right away.
Be the defense attorney, not the prosecuting attorney
The job of the prosecuting attorney is to make the defendant look "guilty as charged." She does that by presenting the worst things about the defendant without sharing anything that might make him look good. When you’re down on yourself, isn't that what you do? To get back up when you’re down on yourself, you have to be the defense attorney. You have to present a compelling case to convince the jury why they should like you.
Make three lists
Since you’re going to pretend to be the defense attorney, you might as well document your evidence of why your client is to be trusted and respected. Make a list of your strengths and then ask your friends to tell you what they think. Next, make a second list of all your past successes, small or big—and give yourself due credit for them. To get up, congratulate yourself for everything on your second list. Then make a third list—what are your top one to three personal goals that you can give your attention to and take your mind off of what’s been getting you down? Finish that list with your top one to three work/career goals.
Do what makes you happy
When we get discouraged, and especially when we get depressed, we stop doing the things we used to enjoy. We start isolating and stop moving forward. Ask yourself what makes you feel good and then go out and do it. Don’t wait until you feel like it, put it in your schedule and tell a friend you’ll let her know how it went. Telling someone else about your commitment ups the odds you’ll follow through, so don’t isolate yourself, reach out and let someone know what your plan is.
Make someone else happy
You already know that making someone else happy makes you happy as well. Think about something you’ve done for someone else, however small, and play that mental movie of what you did and how good you felt. When you’re feeling down on yourself, your energy is low and one of the fastest ways to boost your energy is to boost someone else’s. Just don’t fall into the trap of making others feel happy without prioritizing your own happiness. Make sure you do what makes you happy and then take that positive energy and share it with others.
- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness
5 Ways to Boost Your Mood When You Are Feeling Down
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