Helene Lerner's Blog, page 57
January 29, 2016
4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Find Out if The Job Is Right For You
Have you ever landed a job, been excited by the “We’d like to hire you,” call only to experience applicant’s remorse? You wonder, “should I have accepted this job or waited for a better offer?”
If you’d like to know for sure that you’ve landed the right job, ask yourself these questions.
What matters most to me?
Is it challenging and meaningful work or pay and benefits? Do I want a hard-charging or a team-oriented culture?
Make a list of everything that matters to you. With your list as a yardstick ask “How does this job measure up?”
Who will I work for and with?
We spend more waking hours with those we work with than with our family. What do you know or can you learn about your potential immediate supervisor? Did you feel a connection in the interview? What management style can you expect?
What vibe did you get from your prospective co-workers? Do they appear happy and motivated? What value system and ethics do they bring to the table? What’s the corporate culture?
Where might this job take me?
What learning or advancement opportunities come with this position? Does this organization promote from within? Offer training or tuition reimbursement? Allow you the autonomy to make decisions? What growth potential does this organization itself have? Does it stay abreast with social media and technology?
How will this job impact my life?
What level of job stress can you expect? What work schedule and flexibility is offered you? What might accepting this job do to your work life balance?
Is this the kind of organization you can feel proud working for? How are they regarded in their industry and by their clients or customers? How stable are they?
And what if this potential job doesn’t measure up?
Despite the truth in the song, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with,” think long and hard before settling for a job you know won’t be right for you. After all, if you can’t give your job your all, you risk your reputation, and your chance to land your next and better job.
What’s your decision? Is your current job right for you?
© 2016, Lynne Curry, author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully and founder of www.workplacecoachblog.com and www.thegrowthcompany.com.
7 Signs to Know if Your Job is Right for You
January 28, 2016
3 Ways to Turn Negativity Around
When you are in a negative environment
If it is your workplace, or people in your home, know that you do not have to take it in. You can DETACH. Sometimes just knowing that it is their problem, not yours in enough. You can also visualize a healing light around them. Visualization can be very powerful and gives you some perspective that often their drama has nothing to do with you.
When you are out with a negative person
If someone is very negative, it is better to excuse yourself and separate from them. Sometimes, we may feel guilty about doing this, especially if it’s a family member, but the price we pay for staying is too great. If we can’t remove ourselves, the next best thing is not to engage with them. Don’t fuel the fire. Let them rant, you don’t have to be a part of it. (Britt, please check spelling of rant)
When negative mind-talk is getting the best of you!
Spot it. Be aware of what you are telling yourself throughout the day. Would you talk to your best friend like that? NO. So stop. Turn your attention on something else that is more nurturing to you. Often, this requires doing something totally opposite of what you think you should do.
Try These 3 Positive Habits to Feel Better About Yourself
The Worst Thing To Do When You Are Frustrated
When I’m frustrated, I scream. I stomp. And sometimes I just quietly fume. But none of this is a problem when frustrated. Why? I find out a lot about what I think as I listen to my rant. However, the one thing that is entirely unproductive is blaming the situation or another person for how you feel. It reinforces feelings of negativity and powerlessness, which does nothing to point the way to a workable resolution. Nor does it help us feel any better.
There is a much more productive way to have your frustration work for you! Let’s look at Gabrielle (Gabi) and her story of frustration. On Thursday at 3:00, Gabi’s colleague, Peter, still hadn’t delivered the data she needed in time for the scheduled Monday presentation to the executive team.
Here are steps you can take when frustrated, through the lens of what happened for Gabi.
1. Rant – get it all out in a responsible way. Gabi ranted privately to herself: “I’m so angry! I’m going to march over to Peter’s cubicle and give him a piece of my mind! But, that would further strain my working relationship with him. He knows the presentation is Monday. I just have to wait and trust him to come through. I can’t wait any longer, though – the deadline is approaching!” She continued to spin in this circle of complaint through the remainder of Thursday afternoon and evening. Then…
2. Release your tension and name the emotions. Gabi consciously took deep breaths and released the knot in her stomach. Gabi realized that in addition to her frustration, she was anxious. She determined that if she focused on achieving her goal, her anxious feelings would probably subside.
3. Reflect on the need giving rise to your frustration, and ensure your goal is clear and empowering. A goal is a result that you are striving to achieve within the desired timeframe. The failure to fully specify the result and the timeframe can lead to more frustration and less achievement.
Gabi reframed her situation in light of the need driving her frustration, which was “to achieve her goal”. At first, she defined her goal as “getting Peter to give her what she needed.” But this was not precise enough, and really, Peter was just the vehicle she was using to achieve the end-goal. So this time, she tried: “Having the required data in hand before end of business on Friday.”
4. Brainstorm some options that could achieve the clearly stated goal. Gabi considered whether she could modify her belief that she could accomplish this goal by asking the team to give her another week for the presentation. She also thought she could see whether a resource other than Peter could help her get the data she required. And lastly, Gabi thought about meeting Peter face to face, rather than communicating through text and email, as she had been doing, to explain her situation and ask whether he could provide the information by end of day Friday. She slept on the options and decided to visit Peter first thing Friday morning.
Gabi felt pleased. By using her frustration to get strategic, defining her goal in an empowering and clear way, and finding an option that was workable, Gabi had more confidence and less anxiety. When frustrated, fix the problem, not the blame.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
3 Steps For Communicating When You Feel Angry
January 27, 2016
6 Things a Confident Woman Does NOT Have to Apologize For
Women say sorry all the time -- for the small things and the really big things. As women, we tend to be concerned about the emotional impact of what we say and the choices we make. Our instinct is to want to smooth things over. Far from being a problem, this is actually a great quality in almost any social situation and the first thing we need to stop saying sorry for is for saying sorry – if that’s what feels right and natural! A confident woman may feel free to say she is sorry if she really is.
Conflict often arises when women feel the need to say sorry for things for which they don’t really WANT to apologize. Meet Susan, a confident woman, who refuses to say sorry for putting her own needs first.
Standing Up For What Is Right For Her
Susan is married to Jake. Jake would like to move to a suburb that is much further for her commute. What is right for Susan’s husband may not be right for her. Susan explains the reasons she isn’t interested in that location and how it would worsen her quality of life. She is able to communicate her needs and preferences and does NOT NEED TO SAY SORRY because her husband isn’t getting his way.
Asking For Help
Susan, like many wives, ends up managing the household and her career and the children. It doesn’t seem to stress her out as much as her husband Jake. She is able to plan meals, stay in touch with friends and family and pay bills on time and so on – a lot has to do with her ability to multi-task, plan, and pay attention to detail. When she asks for help from her husband, such as taking out the trash at a certain time, she does not feel guilty for interrupting him. Women do it all without flinching, and yet apologize when they are overwhelmed! Even Batman needs Robin. At work, if she reminded her peer of a deadline, she would be considered a great team player. At home, if she reminds her husband to take out the trash, she may be ignored or criticized for being a nag. Not only does Susan not need to take on everything alone; if she does, she certainly does NOT NEED TO SAY SORRY if she needs help!
Being Ambitious
Women often make career compromises for the sake of the family. Susan decides she is in a really good place at home and at work. She and Jake have one child just getting past the hectic toddler stage and about to start a steady school schedule. She is ready and excited to get back to building her career with her extra time. While she and Jake have decided not to have a second child, their mothers are up in arms. They were both looking forward to a second grandchild. She starts to feel the anxiety build, but after talking to her coach, she is reminded that she gets to make the decisions that are right for her. Susan does NOT NEED TO SAY SORRY for not wanting a second child and putting her ambitions first!
Expressing Emotions
Whether having a difficult conversation, getting push back from a team member, and being frustrated at work, Susan inevitably tears up in response. Susan is a kind, successful, and emotional woman. The same emotionality allows her to be sensitive to her coworkers, empathetic with her team, and intuitive in various social situations. Susan does NOT NEED TO SAY SORRY because her coworkers are uncomfortable with her vulnerability.
Prioritizing Life Balance & Wellness
Susan has recently been experiencing exhaustion and poor health. To the dismay of her boss, she starts going to the gym during her lunch hour (and actually taking the full lunch break after all these years!) or leaving earlier in the evening to work out. Creating life balance is extremely important to improve quality of life, spend time with family, and take care of yourself. Her boss may not be pleased but she does NOT NEED TO SAY SORRY for prioritizing her wellness.
Starting Over
Susan ultimately decides her job isn’t fulfilling and discovers her real passion. Unfortunately, it rocks the home’s financial stability. Jake has a lot of questions, mainly about her experience as an entrepreneur and the repercussions and impact on the family. Being detail-oriented and with high emotional intelligence, she is prepared for this discussion and explains her plan. Susan understands she needs Jake to be on her side to move forward and make her new dream a reality, and she too is concerned about the inconveniences to the family. Susan must be responsible, but she certainly does NOT NEED TO SAY SORRY for having the courage to start over.
To sign up for a complimentary consult and confidence-building tips, please email Leena Roy at choice@leenaroy.net or follow @CoachLeena.
Leena Roy, CFA/CPC is a Professional Coach for Managers. A program designed to elevate and empower Mid-level Managers & Professionals to achieve their highest potential.
5 Ways to Stop Doing Things You Do Not Want to Do
3 Steps For Communicating When You Feel Angry
How can you keep your composure when you are shaking with anger? While you want to communicate effectively with others at work, when triggered by disrespectful or inconsiderate behavior, it’s easy to lose composure. I can recall countless times I came up with all sorts of things I could have said after the fact. Your reputation is important, and anger is also a common and important emotion. You can be more strategic when working through your anger. Here’s the challenge.
Brianna shares an office with Arielle. Brianna is neat and organized. Arielle is messy and disorganized. Arielle does her best to keep things under control, but when she is overwhelmed, she just doesn’t make it a priority to keep things neat. Brianna returned to their office at 12:00 to find two coffee cups on the worktable – both sitting on a professionally printed report for her presentation to her boss in an hour. She picked up the cups, and there were two perfect coffee rings on the cover that had gone through to the pages underneath. Arielle was at lunch.
Let’s look at the three steps that Brianna took to address her anger.
1. Accurately name what you’re feeling – all of it. Brianna was angry. As she stood there with the report in her hand feeling tense, and breathing as deeply and evenly as she could, she also noticed she had resentment about the difference in Arielle’s style and disorganized habits. But the main feeling was anger. Brianna had taken a course on the TENOR method and knew that her subconscious assessed she wasn’t on track to meet the need of asserting her rights. But exactly what rights?
2. Reflect on what rights you think you have in the situation. “Rights" are social agreements as to who may do what under what circumstances within a given social group. If you don’t fully specify the right you think you have, it can lead to higher levels of anger. Brianna thought about the rights in this situation. It was “I have a right to expect that Arielle will be respectful of our shared office space and my stuff!” However, Brianna saw that this right is disempowering for her. She can’t rely on this right because Arielle’s choices are not within Brianna’s control. There’s a good chance that Arielle, although she’ll feel sorry, will also be defensive, explaining that she just gets so busy and doesn’t realize where she puts things. Brianna revised her right to be more empowering: “I have a right to hold others accountable when they damage or lose my work.”
3. Generate options for strategically addressing your anger. When Brianna considered revising her beliefs about whether she has a right to hold Arielle accountable, she saw that she had never discussed shared office rules with Arielle. Since they are sharing space, Brianna felt it was critical to have a conversation with her about how best to meet each other’s needs. When considering changes to her strategy, Brianna realized she had to take the lead in raising this problem with Arielle. First, she had to deal with getting the coffee stained pages replaced within the hour. Then, Brianna had to plan a reasonable conversation with Arielle that would address her careless behavior. She had to point out the consequences of this behavior to Arielle. In the discussion, Brianna planned to ask that they both collaborate on a solution that would mitigate these types of risks in the future and result in a win-win office-mate solution. Finally, she considered in her strategy the time frame for asserting her right. Brianna decided to wait until the presentation was finished and presented, and make an appointment to speak with Arielle later that day. She prepared some suggestions for how they could work things through. The good new is, you always have options when you define anger as “not being on track to assert a right”. It’s now in your control to change your beliefs and change your strategies, just like Brianna.
With these three steps, Brianna felt more composed and able to deal with the situation. Her consideration of options helped her feel strategic. And because she put off the discussion with Arielle until later that day, she could let her subconscious work on the strategy in the back of her mind. If there was anything that her gut said “no” to, there was time to change the strategy to make it better and increase her confidence.
These three steps, part of the TENOR method, help you use your emotions to think more clearly.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)www.strategicleadershipresources.com
4 Ways to Stop Tears From Getting the Best of You at Work
The Secret to Dealing with Your ANGER
January 26, 2016
3 Ways To Deal With Toxic People You Have To See Every Day
No one likes to be around annoying people who just don’t respect you or the boundaries you try to put in place. But sometimes we don’t have a choice and we have to deal with them—sometimes everyday! Here’s how:
Know they are the problem, not you
Don’t take anything they say personally, even if it has YOUR name on it. (Love that saying). Try to see them as “sick and suffering.” After all, if they felt better about themselves, would they act that way towards others?
Deal with them as little as possible
If you can get things from someone else, do. You want as little involvement with them as possible. Also, make your interactions, short and to the point. No long conversations and absolutely no gossiping.
Have a friend on the other end
After dealing with these people, call a friend, or do something nice for yourself. Put on some perfume, or touch up your lipstick. Don’t stay with their negative vibes.
5 Quotes To Get You Into A Positive Mood
Quotes inspire. Sometimes when we are listening to negative mind-talk, reading another’s words which contain the truth can put things in perspective. Use these quotes throughout the day for a pick-me-up. Be sure you share them with friends.
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. When I’m inspired, I get excited because I can’t wait to see what I’ll come up with next. Find out who you are and do it on purpose." - Dolly Parton
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present." - Bil Keane
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." - Marilyn Monroe
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou
"You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love." - Nicholas Sparks
January 25, 2016
5 Funny Quotes About Sleep
[image error]"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"
- Ernest Hemingway
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
- Phyllis Diller
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
- Anthony Burgess
"I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed."
- David Benioff
"When you wake up with a song stuck in your head, it means an angel sang you to sleep."
- Denise Baer
2 Common Mistakes that Rob Our Motivation
What you hold as a belief is a crucial factor in the decisions you make, your choices, and your well being. Beliefs are also a critical factor in how you perform and ultimately, the quality of your results. When I considered the role of the beliefs I’ve used to guide my choices, I discovered that one of mine was thinking that my feelings were dangerous. I learned this through programs I took early in my career, and that my emotions could derail my thinking. Therefore, I can let facts and evidence guide my choices, and I should manage my feelings. In fact, I’ve discovered since then, that our emotions are incredibly intelligent. The differences in how things turn out when faced with a challenge are largely a function of how skillfully we make sense of and act on the intelligence contained in our emotions.
Many of us think that our emotions are potential derailers – this is a common mistake! My insight woke me up to the implication that the more we can use our emotions consciously during problem solving and decision-making, the better our motivation and vitality during stress. Overcoming this mistake can help you arrive at some options for action that will meet your needs and solve your dilemmas.
The second common mistake in our thinking is that emotions occur in response to events and circumstances. It’s easy to see how we came to believe this. When we are angry, we often say “He makes me so angry!” Or when we’re frustrated, “She is so frustrating to work with.” And when disappointed, “Last month’s numbers were so disappointing.”
The fact is that your emotions are driven by your subconscious assessments as to whether you ARE or are NOT on track to fulfill your needs. For instance, you could have the need to achieve a goal. It’s not that she is frustrating, but that you have a goal your subconscious determines you are not on track to meet. It’s not that he made you angry, but your subconscious assesses you are not on track to assert a right. Viewing emotions this way puts the power in your hands, and when you can accurately name the feeling, it calms your reaction, increasing your composure.
Realizing these mistakes can make a transformative difference to your motivation and vitality. Instead of trying to contain and manage your emotions, feel them deeply so you can understand their important message leads to greater composure and resourcefulness. Realize your emotions are carrying important messages that can help you. As debilitating as stress is, there is an even more debilitating consequence of suppressing your painful emotions. You blind yourself to an issue that is key to unleashing your motivation. Try this first with a situation where you are feeling frustrated. There is a simple 5-step method called TENOR you can use to decode your frustration and unleash your motivation. Your emotions point the way.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)www.strategicleadershipresources.com
January 23, 2016
3 Ways to Feel Better About Yourself Right Away
Do you walk around in a funk sometimes? Do you want to come out of it more than you want to stay in it? Well, if that's true, here's how:
Know that it is termporary. Moods aren't lasting, they come and go. To change your mood it takes awareness and feeling discontent with the way things are. Once you become aware, you can "act" your way out of it. Want to be more cheerful, put a smile on your face. Laugh, even if there isn't anything funny. Just the physical act of laughing can make you feel better. (No...you don't have to do this in front of people!)
Count your blessings. Yes, practicing gratitude goes a long way. Take inventory. Just thinking about what you actually have can lift your mood. After you find a few things, push yourself to find more. You'll find you have a lot.
Channel a famous person who has a positive attitude. Who do you respect? What would this person do in your situation? What would they be "telling" themself? Try their attitudes on for size for a quick pick me up.
There you have it! Ways to get out of your funk...The choice is yours--to lift your mood or stay in your slump.
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