Helene Lerner's Blog, page 55

3 Ways to Step Up When You Feel You Cannot Compete

Recently I’ve had two clients who were frustrated, no, make that angry, because they felt like they had been made to look bad by an up and coming superstar in their company. Each of my clients felt they weren't perceived of as being on the same level as the superstar and they were beginning to feel insecure about their status on their team.

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you can keep up with the “competition”? What if you’re an introvert surrounded by extroverts who grab all the attention? What if you’re the only baby boomer on a largely millennial team and you aren’t nearly as tech savvy as everyone else is? What if you’re just starting out in your career while everyone else has already proven themselves and their expertise? Here are three tips:

Are you lacking in competence or just lacking confidence?
Ever hear of the Imposter Syndrome? It’s quite common and it refers to smart and competent people who don’t feel as smart or competent. Others see how good they are but they’re just waiting for someone to tell them, “You’re not really all that good—what are you doing here?” Maya Angelo had “Imposter Syndrome” and yet she said “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.”

If you can relate, it’s time to elevate your self-confidence and self-worth. Helene's new webinar, The Secret to Real Confidence, is something you might want to consider taking. A lack of confidence and a strong sense of self-worth holds people back far more than being incompetent does. Get to work on your self-confidence and grow it every day.

Don’t compare apples to oranges
If you’re an introvert, quit comparing yourself to an extrovert’s strengths. We live in an extrovert’s world but that doesn’t mean you have to play by their rules. Learn from them, sure. If you need to speak up more often, take a cue from the extraverts and jump in the fray more often. People will pay attention to you, not because you’re as expressive as an extrovert, but because when you do speak up, it’s well worth their time to listen. 

Focus on contribution, not competition
This is where women have an edge over their male colleagues. I’m generalizing here, but it’s a fair generalization. Men have been conditioned to think of business as “War” and it’s their job to win the battle at all costs. Even men are beginning to come around to the limitations of competition and are now seeing the power of connection and contribution. 

Stop worrying about whether you can compete with others and look for opportunities to contribute your knowledge, experience and passion. If you are short on the first two, that’s fine. Even today’s experts started there in the beginning. It didn’t stop them and it doesn’t have to stop you. Contribute what you can, how you can, whenever you can and you’ll do just fine. It’s not a competition unless we make it one. 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

 

 

 

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7 Strategies to Avoid Letting a Horrible Boss Take You Down

Your boss may be a jerk, but he’s your jerk, because he’s your boss. Don’t let him take you down or out.

A bad boss gives you three choices – suffer, leave your job, or learn to manage up. Your job and sometimes your career success require that you effectively play the hand you’re dealt. 

These seven strategies put you ahead of the game:

Make lemonade from your lemon boss
You can learn management by learning to manage up. 

You’ll meet more than one difficult person during your career and be placed in numerous situations where you need the skills for handling responsibility without authority. 

Success stems from playing the hand you’re dealt. Your difficult boss gives you an MBA in handling problem people.  

Practice self-leadership
Don’t let a bad boss’s problems excuse your own. You won’t gain by going to war or making her look bad. In the long-run, if you make her look good, you develop a foundation for your own success.

Don’t slack off, bad-mouth her, or otherwise mentally check out. These reactions undermine your own integrity and leave you branded a slacker or complainer.

Treat your boss the way you’d treat a problem customer, the one always right, and leave work every day knowing you gave it your best shot. 

Practice stealth upward management
Work around your boss’s weaknesses.

Is he a disorganized mess? Help him organize. Keep his calendar, remind him of meetings, projects and deadlines.

Does she love to micro-manage? Drown her in information, briefing her before she asks you questions. The more information you supply, the less a micromanager worries.

Does he forget what he said and then accuse you of misunderstanding? Repeat his instructions back to him to clarify, and then document what you understood in an immediate upward email.

Does she hesitate to make decisions? Give her the facts and support she needs to move forward.

Change your lens 
Don’t let your boss’s deficiencies blind you to what you can learn from him. Perhaps he takes ruthless advantage of you, but you can learn negotiations from him. Possibly he’s a disorganized mess, but truly cares about his employees.

Openly notice what’s right about your boss. Praise her if you can. Her gratitude may surprise you and offer you the breakthrough you need to survive. 

Win him over
Can you can turn your problem boss into an ally? 

Learn what motivates her. Is it looking good to her superiors? Help her. Is it saving money? Exercise frugality. Does he need to be right? Let him know when he is.

Learn your boss’s expectations, and meet them. Does he nitpick if you’re a minute late to work or back from lunch? Show up two minutes early and let him know when you work late so he’ll know he gets more than he pays for. After all, your boss is the boss.

Consider speaking up
You may dread speaking up, feeling it could make matters worse. In my management consulting practice, I’ve learned many bad bosses don’t realize how they come across or the problems they create.

If you don’t say anything, you may lose your chance to fix the one problem in an otherwise great job – your boss. Before you let a problem boss siphon off your last ounce of job satisfaction, plan what you’ll say, and to whom you’ll say it, carefully.

Focus on the problem and not your boss, and present the issues in a rational and thoughtful manner.

Don’t make it worse
If you’re close to the point of no return, you may need to quit. If you do, carefully select your next job. You don’t want to jump from the “frying pan into the fire.”

 

 

 

 

 

© 2016, Lynne Curry, professional coach and author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @lynnecurry10 or on workplaceocoachblog.com.

 

 

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6 Ways To Stand Up To People Who Are Pressuring You

Even though you’ve left the realm of high school drama and peer pressure, there are still moments in life — even in a professional setting — where you may feel pressured by friends or coworkers. 

Don’t worry. Here are six tips you can use to stand up for yourself without ruining any valuable work or personal relationships:

1. Be Direct
This might be more easily done with close friends. If they ask you to do something that really doesn’t jive with what you want, just tell them, ‘No.’ If they’re a true friend, they’ll respect your decision. Work colleagues may be a bit trickier to handle, but directness is still the best way to avoid any confusion. 

2. You Ultimately Control How You Feel About Yourself
Those who know the ins and outs of pressuring others to get what they want know their agendas thrive when their targets begin to feel inferior about themselves. Remember that absolutely no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent. 

Try to build your personal arsenal to face situations like this — self esteem-building exercises will help you construct your confidence armory. This can help you remain true to yourself in tough situations.

3. Take Control
Knowing yourself and what your objectives are will make it easier to take control of an unsavory situation. Use your body language, make eye contact, and be confident in your word choice. Saying “I will” or “I won’t” is much more definitive than “maybe I will.” 

4. Keep Better Company
Toxic relationships that come from peer pressure take their toll mentally and emotionally, and sometimes they can even spiral out of control. Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between emotional and mental trauma and addiction. 

If you continue to entertain company that doesn’t have your best interests in mind, you may subject yourself to an environment where these negative influences can cultivate your own bad habits. Instead, choose people who build you up and support you — not those who try to bring you down or manipulate you. 

If you’re unsure of where to find like-minded people, try joining a group that shares similar interests with you. You’ll learn what qualities you want in your peer group, and you’ll have an easier time identifying those qualities in people down the road. 

5. Maintain a Sense of Humor
When you can laugh at yourself, it shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. It also comes across as being confident. 

Exhibiting confidence through humor helps to alleviate others’ tensions, but it’s also a way to establish your authoritative position in a conversation. People will soon realize you’re not so easily persuaded, making you a less likely target in the future.

6. Turn the Tables
Rather than folding under the pressure, push back with a little of your own. Try pointing out how people are making you feel. Perhaps they aren’t even aware that they are putting unwanted pressure on you. 

For example, if you’re getting pressure to join the group at the after-work happy hour, maybe it’s just because people enjoy having you around at social gatherings. If it’s making you uncomfortable, however, remind them it’s not friendly to be pushy. You can also politely remind them of any reasons you’ve given for not attending. 

Be patient. You’ll eventually gain respect for standing your ground. 

Managing peer pressure situations can be a taxing ordeal, but remember that the most important tool you can have to deal with these types of situations is to know and love yourself. You’ll be able to maneuver tricky work situations, toxic relationships, annoying friends or even your own self-deprecation. 

If you feel like you need a little pick me up from time-to-time, try writing a list of your best qualities, and read it whenever you need to be reminded why you are absolutely awesome. 

 

 

 

 

Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated tosharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips!

 

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3 Surprising Ways to Make a Great Impression

I have a colleague who makes an incredible impression, not only the first time, but time and time again. JoAnn is one of the masters when it comes to connecting with others and standing out from the crowd. My wife is the same way. I’m constantly amazed at how quickly she gets rapport with someone she’s just met or how well she’s thought of by her co-workers and friends. Making a great impression, whether it’s the first time or the hundredth time, will allow you to stand out and go far. Here are three tips on making a great impression: 

Be flexible with how you use technology to communicate
If you’re a baby boomer and you want to make a great impression on a millennial (or “post millennial/Gen Z) co-worker or your younger niece, don’t pick up your phone to call them and don’t email them. Send them a text instead. And if you’re in a generation after the baby boomers, do the opposite. Resist the urge to text everything—pick up the phone and actually make a call.  The rule of thumb with technology (when it comes to making a great impression) is to use the technology that fits the generation—or better yet—the specific person you’re communicating with. 

Little things are big things in making a great impression
There are many things that take little time or effort that generates big results in the “making an impression” department. Smiling, listening more than you talk, asking questions, saying “please” and “thank you,” giving positive feedback, and following through on the” little” things you promise will set you apart. For instance, how many people can you name who listen with sincere interest more than they talk? I bet not many. But guess what? They're the ones that are making the great impressions. 

Make the other person feel important
We would all likely agree that everyone is important. But that doesn’t mean everyone feels important.. You can stand out and be memorable by making your mission to help everyone feel that, at least to you, they are truly important. Years ago I met Ray Walker at a conference. He was the bass singer for the Jordanaires, a group who sang back up harmonies for Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline, Dolly Parton, and Billy Ray Cyrus, as well as doing their own performance and recordings.  Although he was surrounded by people I finally got to him and asked him a question. 

For a solid hour, Mr. Walker gave me his full attention and then he gave me his personal number saying, “Call me anytime. And next time you’re in Nashville, we'll have lunch on me.” I will never forget that day. I’m not saying you can always give someone a full hour of your time. But I bet you can figure out how to make the people around you feel important. However, figuring out how to make others feel important isn’t the hard thing. Doing it is. However, if you do it consistently, you will make more than a great impression. You will make a lasting impression.

 

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

3 Ways to Feel Better About Yourself

 Do you wake up in the morning feeling bad?  Do you want your  day to go better? Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? If  you've answered yes to even one of these questions, read on.

 Trust your gut How many times did you know the right way to  go, but because someone convinced you otherwise, you listened  to them. There is NOTHING more powerful than your inner  guidance. Trust it more. When you feel uneasy about a person,  place or thing, take it seriously.  

 Don't listen to critical people People who are judgmental feel  badly about themselves and they are probably projecting that on  to you. If someone always seems to complain a lot, stay away. Why subject yourself to that type of negativity? Be around people with good vibes.

Do what makes you happy You are entitled to good things like, love, joy and happiness. Be aware of negative mind-talk and don't let it get the upperhand. Do what you enjoy.  

  

5 Powerful Quotes from African American Women

1. “It’s time we become comfortable with the uncomfortable conversations about race… Instead of being color blind, we need to be color brave.”

- Mellody Hobson

2. “Let me tell you something: The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there.”

- Viola Davis

3.“Dreams are lovely. But they are just dreams. Fleeting, ephemeral. Pretty. But dreams do not come true just because you dream them. It’s hard work that makes things happen. It’s hard work that creates change.”

- Shonda Rhimes

4. “And what my mother meant when she said you can’t eat beauty was that you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul.”

- Lupita Nyong’o 

5. “I’m realizing you don't need to change anything about yourself. This is who you are, and it’s okay. That’s daring.”

- Uzo Aduba

5 Inspirational Quotes To Get You Up And Moving

1. "You can do anything you want, even if you are being told negative things. Stay strong and find motivation.”
- Misty Copeland

2.“I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.”
- Amy Schumer

3. “Work smart, get things done, no nonsense, move fast.”
- Susan Wojcicki

4. “Let us make our future now, and let us make our dreams tomorrow's reality.”

- Malala Yousafzai

5. “I've still got it. I refuse to lose.”
- Robin Roberts

8 Ways to Tell if He is THE ONE

It seems like nearly everyday someone is asking me “how do I know if he is my soulmate?”

It’s a valid question.  

Besides having a sense of “knowing” and feeling like you have known them forever, you must discern if they are a viable “life partner.” 

Simply having feelings of deep recognition is not enough for a long, happy, successful relationship.  

We all have many, many soulmates (some of friends, children, siblings, parents, business partners, even pets!), but, for a lifetime romantic partner, you need much more.

So, before saying “I do” (or “I re-commit to you my beloved”) see if he or she fits this criteria:
You have been in a committed relationship for at least one year, have met his family and friends and he has met yours, and you both love each other. 

These are the basics, and here is more:
You and your soulmate share chemistry, compatibility, great communication skills (these can be learned, but, if possible, learn them BEFORE the wedding) and most importantly a shared vision for the future (kids, lifestyle, etc).

You don't have to do everything together (and shouldn't) but you must decide ahead of time that you each have space and support for the others passions.

And then look at their behavior:

Can you count on them to keep you physically and emotionally safe?When you are stressed out, hurt, or ill, do they provide concern and assistance?When you share your thoughts, feelings and worries do they listen and respond with compassion, empathy and care?Do you trust them and can you count on them to keep their word?Do they want to spend time with you and do they make future plans?Do they celebrate your wins in life and hold your hands in the down times?Are they financially responsible?Is their happiness as important to you as your own?

If you can check most or all of the boxes, you've got a keeper!

 

 

 

 

To get more of Arielle Ford's great advice, visit her website. Look for Arielle's new book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, now available... 

Photo Credit: Carl Studna 

 

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3 Surprising Ways To Handle Stress On The Spot

A friend called me this week and he was in a surprisingly good mood. Surprising because earlier that day, he hit an ice patch while driving through his neighborhood and then plowed into a stationary car. The good news was no one was hurt at all. The better news is what he told me about how he handled his stressful situation: “Three months ago I would have let this ruin my morning or even the entire day. Today’s accident was frustrating, sure, but it didn’t stress me out the way it would have in the past”.

My friend did what not many know how to do—to stop stress before it gets hold of you. Here are three surprisingly effective ways to do that:

Make sure your conscious mind is driving the bus
To handle stress on the spot and prevent it from controlling you, you have to use your conscious mind to interrupt the patterns of your subconscious mind. The truth is, most of us have a habitual, patterned response to frustrations, annoyances, disappointments, mistakes, and failure we can call the “typical stress response.” 

Surprising stress relief technique: The next time you feel a stress attack coming on, take a breath and ask yourself this simple question: “What is driving my bus—my conscious mind or my subconscious mind?” This one simple question will interrupt the typical stress response your subconscious mind automatically went into and make it easier for you to use the next two techniques.

Give your problem to a friend
When something happens to us, it’s terrible—and it’s going to get worse. I’m exaggerating, of course, but you get the point. Stress is about perspective and some people have more practice in getting and maintaining perspective than others. If you want to handle your stress you have to start mastering the art of seeing your problems and challenges from a solution perspective. 

Surprising stress relief technique: If you’re really stressing yourself over something, take it to a friend who will be able to look at your challenges from the outside and with a clearer mind. She will be in a stronger position to help you problem solve—and if she needs to she can give you a kick in the rear end to take action to get out of your automatic stress response.

Bonus stress relief technique: If you don’t have access to a friend, get two chairs and face them towards each other. Sit in one chair and envision your friend in the other chair. Have him tell you all about his stress—which happens to be the same stressful situation you’re in—exactly the same. Listen empathetically, ask a few questions and let him say everything he needs to say. Just listen until he’s finished. What would you tell your friend? That his situation is horrible and hopeless? Of course not. So what would you tell him? That’s exactly what you can now tell yourself.

Turn your stress around in three minutes:
Remember what I said about most people’s response to stress being automatic and habitual? The problem with that is most of their automatic responses only keep the stress going. You can do the opposite. You can begin to practice a new response to things that used to set you off or put you in a bad mood. All it takes is three minutes. 

Surprising and effective three-minute stress relievers:

Turn on some upbeat musicRead your gratitude list (if you don’t have one, make one up on the spot) Watch a funny or heart-warming video on YouTube. Sing an upbeat song out loud to yourself (don’t try this at the office.) Do some old school calisthenics. Call a friend and bring up a good memory of a time you’ve had with them. Get moving and take a very brief three minute walk. Listen to three minutes of a meditation video on YouTube. Stretch your body and feel the tension going out of it. Remind yourself that if you don’t use these simply effective stress relievers, you’re allowing your subconscious mind to drive the bus. Then imagine your conscious mind saying, “Let me drive for a while.” (Note: Yes, you likely know all the things in this list—there are no surprises here. However, they work surprisingly well.)

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach and Creator of Enlightened Happiness

 

 

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5 Things A Successful Woman Does When She Does Not Know

Katie’s boss stops by her office and asks a question that she is stumped by. She has two options: she can either look blankly at her manager OR give a confident answer! “That’s a great question, I’ll get back to you tomorrow morning with the answer.” A successful woman doesn’t always know the answers, but she does always stash a few tricks up her elegant sleeves! 

It’s okay to say “I don’t know"
In moments of doubt, admit that you don’t know and say you need more time. People will respect you for being truthful. Give a date and time when you will have an answer and set a follow up meeting.

It’s okay to ask questions
After all, you want to get the best answer—and it doesn’t mean you’re not smart if you don’t immediately respond. Neha was at a panel discussion and it wasn’t clear what was being said. In the Q&A portion, she asked for clarification. She knew all she needed was to ask a clarifying question to get back on track. Not surprisingly, she also found she was not the only person who was a bit confused.

Be prepared, put in the hours 
Janice was nervous before her final interview at a prestigious firm that would not only catapult her career, but also pull her out of financial debt. The more she thought about what was at stake, the more anxious she felt. But finally Janet decided she’d had enough, put on her prepping hat, and got to work. Ultimately the only way to get over not knowing enough is to do something about it! She researched, talked to her contacts, practiced answers and got the information she needed. Successful women like Janice are not afraid to put in the hard work and preparation to find their way out of a tough situation. 

Call in markers
Sometimes the situation may call for an expert opinion, a specialist in the field. A successful woman realizes when she needs to get some support, and because she has helped lots of people, she is not shy about calling in some favors.

Nowhere to go? Try inside 
Sometimes, what you don’t know is accessible with reflection. A successful woman knows when to take some time out for introspection. Going to a quiet space to think can allow a solution to rise from within. Guide yourself with journaling. It is a powerful practice. 

 

 

 

 

- Leena Roy, CFA/CPC is a Professional Coach for Managers. A program designed to elevate and empower Mid-level Managers & Professionals to achieve their highest potential. You can follow her on Twitter @CoachLeena or on Facebook.

 

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