Helene Lerner's Blog, page 56
February 3, 2016
3 Reasons Women Are NOT Too Emotional
I can’t tell you how many times my female clients have told me they don’t feel comfortable showing their true emotions in the workplace. They don’t want to be perceived as being unprofessional or accused of being manipulative, weak, or intellectually inferior. Being emotional at work can be uncomfortable for many people. So, we hide our emotions hoping that will make us appear stronger, smarter, and more “professional.”
You would think we’ve evolved beyond that, but we haven’t, not by a long shot. Too often women are accused of being “too emotional”—especially at work. But is that true? I’m going to address what is often thought and said about this topic and set the record straight:
You’re a bitch if you get angry
The truth: A man can say the same thing a woman says, in the same tone and with the same body language that a woman says it, and he’ll be admired while the woman will be labeled a bitch. Leadership consultant Doug Sundheim, in the August 15, 2015 Harvard Business Review online article wrote, "…there’s a gender bias around showing emotion at work. I’ve seen that in the same places where men get labeled tough, passionate, or open, women get labeled bitchy, hysterical, or weak.”
It’s time we dropped the double standard. Anger is an appropriate response for women just as it is for men when there is an injustice, when someone is being mistreated or when someone is talking over you or constantly interrupting you. Don’t be ashamed of your appropriate anger; own it and use it as needed. The truth is you’re not “too emotional” when anger is the appropriate response—you’re courageous.
You shouldn’t cry at work—that’s just manipulative
The truth: The best way for me to convey the truth about this point is to share a story. I talked to a female colleague last week who is an executive coach. She had a meeting with a male senior manager she was coaching. His lack of emotional intelligence was preventing him from leading his team well. My colleague really believed in him, and after she shared what she thought his strengths were, she began to talk to him about his weaknesses in his communication and relationships—she knew he could be a great leader and she wanted to help him become that. As she was telling him what no one else dared to, her eyes welled up and the tears fell.
To her surprise and relief, the senior manager who had such a tough exterior, had his own tears. He told her, “I knew you were really smart and that you cared; I just didn't know how much. For the first time ever, I think I can actually change the things I need to change.” The truth is you’re not too emotional if you cry at work when it fits the occasion—you’re demonstrating your humanity.
Don’t be so sensitive; it’s just business
The truth: You can bet when someone says “It’s not personal, it’s just business,” it's likely personal. As long as people are involved, there’s always the human aspect involved. Here’s what I’d say to anyone telling me, “Don’t be so sensitive”: “I’m glad you’re not so sensitive—that means however sensitive I’m being or not being right now won’t bother you in the least.”
Both men and women have feelings and we all can be hurt or offended at times by what others say or do. The fact that (in general) men might hide their emotions more often or outright deny them doesn’t make them more professional. The truth is, you’re not too emotional if you’re bothered by someone’s remarks or actions—you’re just like the rest of us, whether we’d admit it or not.
- Alan Allard, Executive Coach and Creator of Enlightened Happiness
6 Things a Confident Woman Does NOT Have to Apologize For
February 2, 2016
6 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Think It Is Time To Leave Your Job
When you first started your job, every day was shiny excitement. You learned new things and often wondered if you could keep up. The days now seem routine. You no longer look forward to coming to work. Is it you – or the job?
Ask yourself these six questions:
Am I paying a price for staying?
You invest time and effort in your job. Is your current job worth the career opportunity cost? Take the weekend or an evening to consider whether you want to be in your current job five, ten, or even two years from now. If “no” resounds loudly in your brain, and you stay another year, will you be more or less ready to get the next job on your career ladder?
Are my “tales of woe” old?
Your friends used to listen when you told them the dumb things your boss or coworkers did or what wasn’t working well at your job. Now, their eyes glaze over with disinterest. Your job stories are even boring you.
Ask yourself – can I fix what’s not working at my job or in my organization, or is it outside of my control? If you’re not happy and can’t actively fix what isn’t working, you may need to move on.
Have I lost trust?
You or your boss have crossed boundaries one time too many. Now, you no longer trust the person you work for, nor she you. When trust disappears, something vital vanishes from the work relationship.
Or perhaps you’ve seen your manager or management team’s values up close and personal and don’t like what you see. Wouldn’t you rather work for someone you could respect?
What else is out there?
Have the job walls started to close in on you? Do you spend more time every night reading Craigslist and Indeed job opportunities then you spend making dinner? Does every posting seem more appealing than your current job? If going to your work feels like stepping into a daily bath of unhappiness, it’s time to pull the plug.
Do I get along with my coworkers?
Do you look around the table at a staff meeting and not see anyone you like, want to learn from, or want to spend time with? While you don’t need to become outside-of-work friends with your coworkers, if one of them sat next to you on a long distance flight, would you want to change seats? If so, perhaps you need to move on, and this time devote some of your job search time to considering what type of people you want to work with and for.
Is it my job or me?
It’s always a good idea to look in the mirror before you decide to leave one job for the next. If you change jobs every year, the problem may be you and not your job.
Has the glow worn off your job? Could you get it back? Or do your answers to the six questions above tell you that it’s “time to move on.”
© 2016 Dr. Lynne Curry, author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully and founder of workplacecoachblog.com.
4 Questions To Ask Yourself To Find Out If The Job Is Right For You
February 1, 2016
5 Quotes That Inspire Courage to Let Go and Get What You Want
1. “Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown
2. “The only way to get what you really want is to let go of what you don't want.”
― Iyanla Vanzant
3. “It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.”
― Marianne Williamson
4. “I think I deserve something beautiful.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert
5. "Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.”
― Oprah Winfrey
5 Ways To Get Out Of A Career Slump
Sooner or later, most of us experience the dreaded “career slump. It’s where you’ve lost your normal drive and you begin to do work that isn’t quite up to what others have come to expect from you. Whatever the cause, if you ever find yourself in a slump at work, here are four ways to get out of it:
Take it seriously
You might be tempted to say, “What can a few weeks hurt?” The truth is any slip in our quality of work will hurt us—and those who count on us. Would you want your auto mechanic to be thinking, “I’ll do my best work on the next car, no need to worry about this one.” In the same way, you don’t want your boss or co-workers to doubt your commitment or your ability to do great work—every time.
Identify the cause
Is something in your personal life affecting your work? Have you recently been wondering if your boss values the work you’re doing? Are you getting less sleep than normal? Are you letting an unresolved conflict with a co-worker affect your work? Have you suffered a big setback or even failure and it’s caused you to doubt yourself?
Identify the solution (s)
If you’re in a slump because you’ve burned yourself out, you can’t work harder to get out of your slump. That will likely only make matters worse. You have to figure out a way to do your work without burning yourself out.
Have you asked for the resources or additional help you need? Or are you burned out because you’re trying to make yourself be passionate about something when you really need to re-evaluate and perhaps reinvent yourself and your career? If what you’ve been doing to get out of your slump isn’t working, that’s a clue you haven’t found the right solution--keep looking.
Challenge yourself
You might not be bored at work but that doesn’t mean you’re challenging yourself. The interesting thing about doing great work is we have to keep raising the bar, we have to step out of our comfort zone and we have to take risks.
Otherwise we end up doing our job in the same old ways and we lose our enthusiasm for what we do. However, sometimes we need to challenge ourselves with new responsibilities and new work. What would you love to do, even if it’s not a part of your job description. Having a vision that's outside your job description will breathe new life into you and your work--even the work that fits within your job description.
Take pride in what you do
If you’re in a slump it’s likely you’ve quit respecting and valuing what you do. However, there are no unimportant jobs. There are only jobs we have labeled as “menial” or “dull” and that attitude is a reliable predictor of a slump coming on. I recently did a training for a company and the division president participated all day with the commitment of a new hire.
When I pointed that out to him during a break he said, “I started here at the bottom. But on the first day of orientation a senior manager of the company told us, “There are no unimportant jobs here—everyone is important and everything is important." I have to admit I didn’t pay much attention what he said that morning. However, when I saw him cleaning off the tables after our lunch and emptying the waste cans I promised myself to never say any job was small or unimportant.
- Alan Allard, Executive Coach and Creator of Enlightened Happiness
Five Signs It's Time to Leave Your Job
Say Hello to Our February Coach
Hello! I'm Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of October. This month will be all about you, but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.
I am a former psychotherapist, and for the past nine years I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer and life coach. I help companies, teams, and individuals thrive by challenging the status quo and creating unprecedented success and fulfillment. I am the author of Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness: Your Guide to the Life You Were Meant to Live, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible sons-in-law) and I'm a grandfather too.
Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!
- Alan Allard, Executive Coach and Creator of Enlightened Happiness
3 things confident women never regret
Here are 3 things a confident woman never regrets. (Remember, if you don't feel confident, you can "act as if" you do).
1. Being your authentic self. A confident woman knows that her greatest strength is to be herself. She doesn't try to be someone else.
2. Picking her priorities and running with them. A confident woman knows that she can't be behind all issues. She chooses the most important and acts accordingly.
3. She doesn't compromise her integrity. A confident woman believes what she values is key to who she is. No matter what circumstances she's faced with, she doesn't waiver on what is most important.
January 29, 2016
8 Weekend Quotes To Get You In A Great Mood
1. “Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent
2. “There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”
―Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
3. “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
―Eleanor Roosevelt
4. “You are worthy of all good things. Give yourself the care you give others.”
―Helene Lerner
5. “I like flaws. I think they make things interesting.”
―Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
6. “Sometimes you don't need a goal in life, you don't need to know the big picture. you just need to know what you're going to do next!”
―Sophie Kinsella, The Undomestic Goddess
7. “You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.”
―Elizabeth Gilbert
8. “I am not pretty. I am not beautiful. I am as radiant as the sun.”
―Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
3 Ways to Be Taken Seriously
Most of us want to be acknowledged and it is the most frustrating when people don’t listen to what we have to say. Well, here are 3 ways to turn a new leaf and get listened to.
Pick Your Issues
Someone who fights every issue and is the first to object to whatever is on the table gets looked upon as a nuisance. Everything should not be as important to you. Choose your priorities and let things that don’t really matter go.
Know That What You Say Matters
If you want others to believe in you, you must believe in yourself. Do a quick inventory of your talent, and experience, you have a lot on the ball. Never sell yourself short.
Not Everyone is Has an Attitude
If certain people are dismissive, it’s probably because they have their own agenda, and don’t try to guess what that is. Don’t let their bad attitude get to you. Everyone is not like them. One bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole basket. If you have something important to say, look at someone else as you say it. Go where it’s warm.
5 Instant Energy Boosters You May Not Know
When your energy dips, you can perk up your neurochemistry if you know how it works.
1. Divide a task into chunks
Your brain releases dopamine when you see the finish line, and it feels great. But when the end is not in sight, your energy may drop. You can spark your dopamine by dividing big tasks into small chunks. This may seem illogical, but your mammal brain is not a logic machine. I learned this trick from a cycler who told me he bikes up a mountain by dividing it into quarters and celebrating each milestone. He doesn’t stop to rest; he just celebrates neurochemically. That sounded dumb to me until I learned about dopamine. Now I divide my long hauls into chunks!
2. Distraction
We presume distraction is bad, but we’re drawn to it because it works. Imagine your ancestors singing a capella while carrying the harvest in from the fields. Boring, back-breaking labor filled their days and they needed distractions to stay positive. Today’s work is not always suited to distraction, but it works great for some tasks. For example, last night I had to finish a tedious graphics project. Fortunately, my desktop was full of short video talks I had put aside for this purpose. I listened to the talks while doing the graphics and had a great time, even though either task alone would have bored me.
3. Hedonic Reset
Your brain is designed to adapt to things - even good things; so when you’re eating the most delicious brownie ever, your brain actually stops noticing it after a few bites. Yikes! You can reset your brain to regain some happy chemicals, the way you can make salt taste saltier if you go without it for a day. For example, if you have to take a life-or-death credentialing exam, bring a brownie with you, but don’t eat brownies the whole time you’re studying for the exam. You will long for the brownie, and it will give you a great feeling just when you need it most. I use this trick for air travel - when I find something fun to read, I put it aside for my next long plane ride, and end up actually looking forward to the tortuous journey.
4. Sincerity
Have you noticed that your energy spikes when you work on a project you believe in? That’s because your brain releases dopamine when you approach a reward that meets a need. Of course it’s more complicated- if you worked on your passion project all the time, you would not approach rewards all the time, and your dopamine would sag. This brain we’ve inherited is always trying to meet needs, both social and physical. We all have frustration because rewards are unpredictable and not within our control. Sometimes you have to give up one reward to pursue another. When you’re frustrated, it’s good to know that it only takes one step toward a reward to stimulate your dopamine, as long as you find a step you believe in. Maybe it’s hard to believe. Maybe the last step didn’t work. But you have inherited a brain designed to make course corrections again and again.
5. Variety
Something new and different gets you going, even when you’re tired. Novelty triggers dopamine. Imagine your ancestors living on acorns through the winter. They would walk far for a chance to eat berries. But after filling up on berries for a few weeks, they would walk far to eat fish. We’ve inherited a brain that responds to variety, so find ways to build it into your day. You could save your fun task to do in the middle of your dreary task. You could take on new tasks or do old tasks in new ways. You may think you don’t have the energy for this, but you might get a surprising boost.
You can’t be energetic if you abuse your body, so none of these strategies are meant to substitute for proper sleep, nutrition, and work/life balance. But even with great physical habits, your mental energy can sag in the face of tough challenges. It’s nice to know that your brain can release good feelings while you tackle challenges. It’s important to accept your limits, though. I lost my credit card twice last year because I let myself get so exhausted that my attention lagged. I was doing things I loved so I didn’t want to say no to anything, but I learned the value of accepting my limits.
- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels
Get a Grip on Guilt in 3 Simple Steps
3 Ways to Get It Together When You Feel Like Flipping Out
Don’t Attach Danger
So often what happens when we are feeling insecure is that we add fuel to the fire. If we took a moment, and asked ourselves some questions, it might help. For example, when you are afraid of the worst case scenario happening, ask yourself, “Is this true?” “Will this really happen?” Most cases, you will say to yourself “no.” From that place, you can start to calm down.
Think of what your best friend would tell you
Try to take yourself out of it--you are probably too emotional to think clearly. If you can call your best friend, do so. If not, take a few deep breaths, and ask yourself, “What would they do or say to me in this situation?” When this new insight, you can start to look at what is challenging you in a different light.
Give Yourself Credit
Whatever happens, know that you can handle it. You have a lot of experience, and what you don’t know, you can get others to weigh-in.
3 Ways to Get Back Up When You're Feeling Down
3 Ways to Instantly Feel Better About Yourself
Helene Lerner's Blog
- Helene Lerner's profile
- 9 followers
