Helene Lerner's Blog, page 58
January 22, 2016
3 Reasons to Celebrate Belly Laugh Day January 24th
1. Belly laughs stimulate endorphins
Endorphin is the brain chemical that’s equivalent to morphine, heroine, oxycodone. We’re used to hearing about it in the context of runner’s high, but runners only get it if they run to the point of pain. Endorphin creates a euphoria that masks pain, which helped our ancestors survive when injured. A belly laugh trigger a bit of endorphin as it jiggles your innards, and it's THE safe way to get it. But your brain won’t reward you with endorphin when you laugh at the folly of mankind or sneer at a co-worker. Only a real belly laugh will work.
2. You learn to lower your guard
You have to lower your guard to laugh, but your brain tends to anticipate harm when you lower your guard. Belly laughs train your brain to expect a good feeling when you lower your guard instead of a bad feeling. Now you are a master of both skills: raising your guard when necessary and lowering it when not necessary.
3. You get good at setting boundaries
You have to set boundaries to laugh; otherwise your time will be spent on what others think is funny - or sharing other people’s pain. There will never be time for what YOU think is funny unless you give yourself permission to make time. You can’t always predict what will give you a belly laugh, so give yourself permission to sample and relax.
My local improv theater gives me a belly laugh every time, so I go as often as possible. I’ve often brought friends, and have been shocked that they don’t love it. And I often have the “not funny” reaction when I try things others like. So I accept that humor is personal. Last night I was snorting uproariously while watching…do you want to know…will you think it’s ridiculous…well I don’t care because it worked for me…it was the yoga episode of Maron. If you don’t have other ideas for Belly Laugh Day, it might work for you.
Global Belly Laugh Day is this Sunday, January 24. If you go outside at 1:24 pm your time and throw you arms in the air and laugh out loud, you will be part of a global wave of laughter. Some laughter will be trickling up from Antarctica according to the organizer. Details at bellylaughday.com.
- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels
3 Ways To Stop Pressuring Yourself To Be Perfect
Are you a perfectionist? Answer the following questions and find out. Think of how you’ve handled specific situations as you respond.
Do you set unusually high standards for yourself and others and get disappointed if they are not met?Are you rarely satisfied after you have accomplished a task, not giving yourself the credit you deserve or looking to achieve something else?Do you lose perspective easily, treating a minor task as important as a major one – thinking that everything has to be done perfectly?Are you overly sensitive to criticism and dwell on it even after the moment has passed?Perfectionism is usually riddled with the fear that you will be judged harshly if you don’t do something the “right” way.
Here are some strategies to help you change your perspective and treat yourself more kindly:
Before you engage in an activity, think positively. Tell yourself that you are about to embark on a task that will be completed in a timely and efficient manner, even if it isn’t done perfectly.When you make a mistake, don’t dwell on it. look at how you could have done things differently and move on. Think to yourself, “next!”Endorse yourself when you do something out of the ordinary. (For example, tell yourself, “Way to go, girl!” when you make time during the week to have dinner with friends.)Adapted from Helene's book, Time for Me
5 Happiness Quotes To Inspire A Great Day
“The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it” - Richard Bach
“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” - Abraham Lincoln
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” - Helen Keller
“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.” - Pearl S. Buck
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” - Mother Teresa
7 Ways To Get A Disagreeable Person On Your Side
Maybe it's your overworked spouse. Or your highly critical mother. Maybe it's just an ornery co-worker. Whoever it is, we all know that one person who disagrees with everything.
You may find yourself banging your head against the wall screaming, "Why can't we all just get along?"
Stop! There are other ways to deal with the madness. Why not sharpen up your skills in the art of persuasion?
Though the task may seem impossible now, these seven tips may just help you sway that disagreeable person in your life to your side.
1. Listen More
Most people don't exactly listen — they just wait for their own turn to talk. Become a better listener.
Listening is the key to being a great conversationalist, and by listening more — and interrupting less — you can make the person you're talking to feel validated (and more likely to respect what you have to say, when it's your turn to talk).
For example, don't just respond — actually take the time to acknowledge and restate the words of your conversation partner. By focusing on your listening skills, you'll keep your attention span healthy, too.
2. Showcase Your Smile
Psychologists call a genuine expression of enjoyment a Duchenne smile. When you smile, you get a 'halo effect' — an instant elevation in mood and motivation.
Research also supports that, as the saying goes, smiling is contagious. When you smile at people, they're likely to smile back at back at you (and experience a similar boost in mood).
So — smile more often! You can use your smile to express empathy, calm worries and exude confidence.
When someone smiles with you, it's often a sign of trust.
3. Modify Your Body Language
Your body language — a combination of your posture and movements — speaks volumes more than, well, the words themselves.
Pay attention to how you move in front of people. Learn the secrets of body language and use them to your advantage when persuading the people around you.
For example, keeping your arms crossed suggests that you're closed off. Keeping your posture loose suggests that you're open and honest. Eye contact plays a role, too. Don't avert it in a conversation.
4. Mirror the Other Person
Speaking of body language, you can increase your persuasive powers with the people you talk to simply by mirroring their movements.
Science has shown that this nonverbal mirroring — also called limbic synchrony — helps build rapport because it shows that you're connected and engaged in the conversation.
5. Tailor Your Cadence
Train your voice to be more charismatic.
Speech experts have conducted research to find that certain patterns of pitch, rhythm and tempo affect how other people perceive you as a leader (or the opposite).
For example, when you speak in a low, booming voice, others will perceive you as big and dominant. If your voice is too high-pitched, you'll come off as too submissive.
Definitely get rid of "vocal fry" — linguists say that gives off the impression you're incompetent.
6. Don't Forget to Compliment
Everyone deserves a good compliment once in a while.
Don't underestimate the persuasive power of compliments. When you compliment others, they'll like you more — and, in turn, increase their willingness to comply with your requests. Sometimes pure flattery will get you everywhere.
7. Tell the Truth
Lying is one of the fastest ways to destroy trust in a relationship, even if it's just a little white lie.
Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. This practice includes becoming blunt with someone when you have to face the hard facts.
Ultimately, you'll gain more respect — and command — when people know your words are sincere.
Most importantly: Don't Be Disagreeable Yourself!
These seven tips can help you persuade a disagreeable person — unless you're the one who's disagreeable.
If you tend to be highly disagreeable yourself, stop it. You don’t have to agree with everything someone says, but there are plenty of ways to disagree without being disagreeable. Try just agreeing to disagree. Sometimes, that really is the best solution.
Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated to sharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter@SarahLandrum for more great tips!
6 Ways to Deal with People Who Manipulate You
4 Ways to Deal With Difficult People
January 21, 2016
3 Ways To Rise Above Someone Trying To Put You Down
We all come across these people, people who don’t feel good about themselves and won’t admit it, so they find fault with people, places, and things. Only this time, their target is YOU!
How do you handle someone so you don’t get caught up with their sly remarks and negative criticism? Here are some things to remember:
They are hurting big-time
Instead of becoming defensive when they shoot their negative vibes at you, DETACH (don’t get reactive). Yes, do the opposite of what your knee-jerk reaction would be. If you engage, you escalate the drama and get caught in the middle. Deep breathing helps to give you distance from them, as well as counting to 10.
You are bigger than that
You have important things to do, focus on that. If you allow them to get to you, you are not using your energy productively. Place your attention on the task at hand, and the commitments that you need to fulfill. Then, take the next right action.
Even if it has your name on it, don’t take it personally
You are just on their radar for now. If you weren’t there, it would be someone else. But since it’s you, if they are pointing out one of your weaknesses, remember, no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses, including them. Call to mind your strengths, which will help to balance things out.
3 Strategies For Turning The Tables On A Workplace Bully
3 Ways An Introvert Can Get Noticed And Thrive
Hide your inhibitions through social media. Do you want to make professional connections or meet new people, but constant networking drains you? Social media is your new best friend. Participate in Twitter chats, join LinkedIn groups, or start a video blog. You can put yourself out there without having to leave home! And because you feel more at ease, some people might think you’re an extrovert.
Know your comfort level. Perhaps an extrovert is more spontaneous and ready to take on anything, while you require alone-time to reflect. That’s okay, you can get out there too if you line up the support you need. Reflect, regroup, relax, and then take the next right action. Sure enough, you’ve reached one of your goals.
Acknowledge the positive side. Sometimes we are forced into situations where we have to be alone. Some extroverts can’t stand it! Introverts, on the other hand, are very comfortable with it, and cherish it. Realize that being an introvert is NOT a bad thing, introverts and extroverts just work differently.
5 Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Boss
There have recently been some excellent blogs on this site about dealing with difficult people and ways to handle others’ angry outbursts. But what if your problem is with someone in authority, such as your boss? How can you manage a difficult boss in a strategic way? What do you do with a boss that discounts you, doesn't see your potential, doesn’t deliver frequent or explicit feedback, and is reacting to you in a dramatic way, leaving you shaken or wondering if there is something wrong with you or your relationship?
But before I jump into listing strategic steps to deal with this, consider: Are you sure you are dealing with a difficult boss? It’s always important to self-reflect and see yourself in the eyes your manager. Ask yourself:
Am I in the right job, one that matches my skill set and passion?Do I have a good track record of performance?Do I have positive relationships with colleagues, direct reports, and customers?If these questions yield affirmative answers, then let’s turn our attention to the five tips:
1. Look at things strategically by reflecting on your reaction to your manager’s behavior. When we feel triggered, we can get tense. Notice where in your body you are feeling tense, breath deeply into that area and let out a long slow breath that releases the tension. Do this with each area, such as your stiff neck, knotted shoulders, clenched stomach, etc. Then, notice your emotions and give them an accurate name: anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, etc. Naming your emotion calms you down and prepares you to move forward with composure. Think, “Name it to tame it.” Ask yourself:
What tension am I experiencing? Where is it? What do I feel as I breathe into these places and release my tension? What are these particular emotions?Where may I be off track in meeting my needs? What options do I have in my approach to my manager?2. Listen carefully to your manager to reflect back his or her perspective, especially when there is a difference of opinion and approach. Different styles and preferences, such as one of you being more extroverted than the other, or taking in information and analyzing it differently than your boss can generate conflict vs. appreciation and collaboration. Notice if this is the case, and ensure you are listening to support your boss’ success and working around his or her weaknesses. Ask yourself:
What is she saying and what does she mean? How can I paraphrase this back, so I verify my understanding?Is this a difference of style and preference for how we go about our work? How can I listen with an open mind to appreciate his opinion and approach?3. Adapt to your manager’s style, mood, and what triggers him or her. Notice if this is a stressful time for your boss, and consider waiting it out. Know what triggers your manager so you can adapt. Don’t take his behavior personally. Stay one step ahead of your boss by anticipating her requests and don’t let it affect your work. Ask yourself:
Should I be taking this personally? Should I back away temporarily to consider my approach?How can I adapt to his style and preferences to generate a better rapport before I deliver my perspective?4. If your boss seems to discount you and not see your potential, prepare to meet with your boss to review and discuss your performance record. It’s essential to have some clarity about the boss’ expectations of your role and behavior. Then, it’s also important to get some feedback about how you are meeting these expectations. Ask to meet with your boss with your documentation of achievements in the past year or two. In the meeting, ensure that you communicate your intent to be a valued resource and a team player, then request feedback, listening non-defensively. During the discussion, ask for his perceptions of your track record, strengths and weaknesses.
5. If you are not receiving feedback that is frequent or clear enough, then approach your boss for it by asking for a meeting. Be sure to listen to your boss through a mindset of curiosity rather than defensiveness. Manage up by letting her know that you are supportive of her goals and committed to doing a good job. Ask for feedback and probe for specific examples. If you learn that there are areas for improvement, ask her:
“What, if I did things differently, would make a difference to your assessment of my [perceived weakness]?” Ensure you are getting specific behaviors from your boss. Remain composed and say thank you without argument. Say you will consider this feedback and get back with a proposed plan.Ask your boss to meet monthly for timely reviews.Act as a leader by creating and pursuing a direction you know will achieve good results for your organization, and keep your boss in the loop. If you discover that your difficult boss is unreasonable, you should document everything, which is helpful when registering complaints with Human Resources. Ask yourself how long you think your boss will be in his position. If not too much longer, do you think you can ride it out, or move to another team or department? You may also consider opportunities outside your company.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)www.strategicleadershipresources.com
5 Signs It's Time To Leave Your Job
January 20, 2016
4 Things Successful People Do NOT Do
What can seriously hinder career advancement? How can knowing this help build your awareness of how your beliefs and behaviors that can derail success? If you see these in yourself or others, it provides the opportunity to consider other options and make better choices. Here are four things that can stall your career:
1. The focus is primarily on yourself and your success. In high-risk situations such as investing in your performance or career goals where there is competition at play, it can seem necessary to set high expectations for yourself and become focused on meeting your needs. This is appropriate for self-development, and can feel rewarding when things go your way. However, this tendency can lead to political missteps and ignoring the concerns and needs of others. Too much focus on this kind of self-involvement has high costs.
When you are self-involved, you can quickly lose perspective on the larger context that matters to others as well as you. Other people pick up on this self-concern and self-involvement, and it can interfere with trust and a relationship based on mutual consideration. Self-involvement can impede listening, lead to arrogance, a lack of collaboration, and less efficient performance since you may not be tapping into others’ perspectives and helpful ideas.2. Lose composure under pressure or stress. Losing your cool can happen when you feel defensive or overwhelmed in the face of challenges. It’s possible to lose composure when you feel trapped in a bad set of circumstances, and you lack the self-confidence to address it successfully. A loss of composure can also occur if you are perfectionistic with expectations beyond what may be reasonable. We all experience breakdowns occasionally. We work through these moments and learn from them. But without a way to deal effectively with painful emotions, there may be costs.
When under stress, our brains narrow focus, and we can become single-minded in our perspective, or judgmental of self and colleagues, Defensiveness can show up in a hostile or sarcastic manner with others, Under pressure, it is common to make poor decisions.3. Over-dependence on an advocate. Success rests with having the courage, endurance, and will to become self-confident and self-reliant. While mentors and coaches can play a critical role in your learning and career growth, over-reliance on a boss, champion, and mentor can build a dependency that harms your reputation. Your reputation can suffer when you turn to the manager or project leader for advice without coming to them with a solution of your own. Another reason for dependence is being overly loyal or having too narrow an experience-base. Let’s look at the costs of being too dependent.
Others may question your ability to achieve results independently.Others might wonder whether you can stand up to a tough assignment or situation without help.You may be so tied to one advocate, that if he or she lost interest or left the organization, your reputation may suffer.4. Over-dependence on a single skill. When you overuse a skill, it becomes a weakness. We are comfort-zone creatures. Most of us don’t like taking chances and don't venture onto unfamiliar ground comfortably. Some think that learning one thing and doing that well will help them get promoted. An example of an overused skill is selling. As things change, using the skill of selling as an influencing strategy can turn others off. Also, a single skill can become a problem when different skills would help reach the goals more efficiently. Here are some risks of this over-dependence.
Reliance on a single strength for performance and career progression can be a built-in career limitation.Not having a broad and diverse set of skills make it difficult to adapt to changes, and handle challenges successfully rather than only having the core talent or technology to leverage.You may get a reputation for having a narrow perspective, being inexperienced, or not interested in broadening or self-development.If you see yourself in any of these potential derailers, realize what you need to build new muscles and skills that will get you on track to success. Use your courage to face your beliefs and strategies and change them. Work on another skill to cover for, substitute for or neutralize the adverse effects of the lack of skill. Find and use your strengths. Leverage them, and get feedback and assistance from others to mitigate risks and ensure career success.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)www.strategicleadershipresources.com
6 Power Tips From Highly Successful Women
January 19, 2016
3 Ways Not To Let A Bully Get the Upper Hand
No one can take your power away unless you let them. If you’re under attack or the topic of gossip, don’t react. Take a few deep breaths instead, and realize that you are bigger than their pettiness. A bully’s bark is bigger than his bite.
Bullies are big-time afraid. What’s underneath the façade is insecurity and lack of self-worth. That’s why it’s easier to point the finger than look at themselves. See beyond their masks.
It’s only a distraction. When a bully tries to throw you off-track, don’t let them. Instead, keep focused on the task at hand. If they see they can’t get to you, it might quiet them.
6 Bully Traps and How to Escape Them
4 Ways to Feel Better When You Are Not Feeling Great
Be compassionate. Give yourself the kindness you would give your best friend. Accept where you are without criticism.
Compare and despair. If you find yourself comparing yourself to other people, STOP! That’s a sure way to get you down. It’s one thing to say what you’d like in your life and create a plan to get it; it’s another thing to say, “look at what she has. That’ll never happen to me.”Instead, view them as a mentor and learn how they got what they have.
Be choosy about who you speak to. You want to stay away from negative people who will bring you down further. You might want to call someone who you know always seems to get it. If you’re feeling low, sometimes everything looks the same color grey in your life, but that’s not really true. Take a spot-check inventory of all that’s going right.
It doesn’t last forever. Know that the way you’re feeling might be totally different in a half hour, by this afternoon, or tomorrow morning. Be extra kind to yourself. Put yourself in intensive self-care.
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