Helene Lerner's Blog, page 60
January 12, 2016
10 Ways to Deal with Angry People
We asked our Facebook community how they handle angry people. Here are some of their insights (there were so many great ones, but for this format we had to pick a few). Thanks for all who contributed.
Loretta Pimental: Kill them with kindness... My mother always said
Alma Catalina González: Don't, get mad back. Feel empathy for them and send always energies of love and healing. Love restores all anger into joy.
Ann Conlon: Talking back to them in a calm, understanding manner. Always making sure you have good eye contact, which is very important. Try to diffuse the situation in the simplest way possible, listen and always show that you are in understanding what exactly they are angry about.
Mae-Mae Taylor: I suggest to them to breathe, to find their breath. Sometimes, I literally take a breath and exhale, and say "find your breath, don't allow for your emotion to cloud your vision," and then I start breathing and usually the person who is angry will breath with me.
Tiffany Dowdy Bell: From a customer service standpoint it never works to argue or interrupt. The best way is to just allow the person to vent, listen, appear interested, and DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Even if it is a personal argument don't take it personally, people often say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment.
Crystal Dickens: Always speak in a soft, polite tone. Retain eye contact. Let them know you are ready to discuss the matter, but you are not going to argue or fight about it. If they continue, walk away.
Carol Ann Harness: Listen, evaluate their problem by repeating it back to them calmly so that you understand completely, ask them what they would like to have as a solution and decide if that is reasonable. If it is, take care of them. If not come up with another acceptable solution.
Barbara J. Boswell: I try to be as nice as possible! Smile a lot!
Sherri Wingard: The anger has no power if you don't react to it...Work on a solution to what's making one angry....
Kat Goodman: I've learned that staying calm and ignoring; not feeding into the moment helps a lot.
7 Ways to Deal with a Boss Who Stresses You Out
Do you work for the boss from hell? If so, you can suffer, bail out, or take action.
If you’d rather not put up with your boss, but the economy or other reasons keep you from finding a new job, managing your relationship with your current boss may help you keep your sanity.
Strategize
Ask yourself, “What does my boss expect of me and how can I meet and exceed those expectations?” Figure out what your boss wants, be on your “A” game, help her achieve her goals, and you may reap the benefits.
Manage yourself
You can’t change your boss, but you can work on yourself. Don’t let your boss’s behavior push you into self-defeating behavior. Instead, ask yourself, “What creates problems between my boss and me, and what part do I play in creating or continuing these problems?”
If he’s a mess
If you work for a frustrating or incompetent supervisor who’s dragging you down, stay sane by helping him. Remind him about deadlines, offer to gather the information he needs, and present him with proposed solutions. If your supervisor waffles in the face of decisions, give him the facts and support he needs to move forward. The choice is yours—you can suffer his incompetence or work to improve the situation.
Compulsive workaholic
Do you work for a compulsively workaholic boss who considers you her slave, swamping you with an unrealistic workload? Earn your boss’s trust by working at a steady “pedal to the metal” 65 mph all day long. Then, when she dishes out too many “over the top” assignments, ask “which ones are your priorities so I can work on those first?” If she passes you an assignment just before quitting time, respond “I’ll take this home and get as much done as I can” or “I’ve got a commitment tonight but will come in an hour early and start.” By saying what you can do, you short-stall concerns that you won’t do what’s asked.
You’re never good enough
If your boss finds it easier to criticize than to praise, consider her criticism an opportunity to learn and grow. The next time she tells you “this report isn’t clear,” ask “which sections need clarification?” By learning the standards by which she judges your work, you reduce the volume of criticism coming your way and become sharper at your game.
Reward yourself
When your boss’s behavior stresses you, you might be tempted to bring your frustration home and let the stress bleed into your evening. Instead, do something you love immediately after work and leave your stress at the workplace. Consider every night a vacation from your job.
Talk to HR
If you’ve done your best, and nothing’s worked, talked to HR. They may be able to counsel your boss or mediate between the two of you. Or, if you’re close to a tipping point, dust off your resume and vote with your feet. A problem boss can prove toxic; perhaps it’s time to put him in the rearview mirror.
© 2015, adapted from Solutions. Curry is author of Solutions and Beating the Workplace Bully. Follow her @ lynnecurry10 or on www.workplaceocoachblog.com.
January 11, 2016
10 Surprising Things That Trigger Fight Or Flight
You know that when you’re getting chased by a tiger, you’re almost in a car accident, your “to do” list is overflowing, and you’re burning the candle at both ends, your body’s “fight-or-flight” stress responses are going to get triggered. But you might not know what else will trigger stress responses in your body, and it’s important that you do!
As I explain in Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself, the body has natural self-repair mechanisms that can fight cancer, prevent infection, repair broken proteins, protect your coronary arteries, and retard aging. But whenever the nervous system is in “fight-or-flight,” the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms are disabled!
The amygdala in your primordial limbic brain is your danger alert signal, and it hasn’t evolved to keep up with modern day society, so your amygdala can’t tell the difference between dangers that threaten life and limb and perceived dangers that are merely thoughts, feelings, or beliefs in your mind. As a result, your amygdala may be sabotaging your health, and you may not even know it!
So how can you avoid winding up in chronic repetitive stress responses? Here are some surprising “fight-or-fight” triggers to avoid.
1. Feelings of loneliness
As a species, we are tribal people, so from a survival perspective, being alone too much can signal the amygdala to trigger stress responses. Makes sense, right? If we’re dependent on the tribe to keep us safe, forebrain feelings of loneliness can activate the amygdala’s danger signal. Scientific evidence suggests that people who are part of a supportive community have half the rate of heart disease when compared to lonely people, and this may explain why.
2. Hunger
If you feel hungry, the message you’re sending your danger-seeking amygdala is “Houston, we have a problem! There’s not enough food!” Of course, your fridge is full of food and maybe you’re fifty pounds overweight, and hungry because you’re trying to diet. But your amygdala is not smart. It can’t tell the difference. So boom- you’re in stress response, and your self-repair mechanisms are flipped off.
3. Selling your soul for a paycheck
You know that your job can be stressful. But it’s not so much being busy or working hard that will trigger your “fight-or-flight.” Sure, even a job you love can stress you out. But you’re much more likely to wind up in chronic repetitive stress response when your integrity is on the line.
4. A pessimistic world view
If you’re a glass half empty kind of person, your forebrain is communicating all kinds of scary messages to your amygdala on a regular basis, thoughts like “There’s not enough money,” “Nothing ever goes my way,” “Nobody really loves me,” and other Eeyore sorts of thoughts that stimulate stress responses in the body. In fact, optimists have a 77% lower risk of heart disease than pessimists, and this is probably why.
5. Toxic relationships
While loving relationships and a supportive community are calming to the amygdala and healthy for the body, you’re better off being alone than being in the company of people who stress out your nervous system. When you feel threatened in a relationship- not just physically, but emotionally- your nervous system interprets that as danger.
6. Worry wart thoughts
Anxious, worried thoughts make the amygdala go ballistic. If you’re filling your brain with worried thoughts about the kids, the state of affairs in politics, whether or not your lover is going to break your heart, or how quickly the glaciers are going to melt, you’re certain to trigger stress responses.
7. Childhood traumas
You know those old childhood traumas that stick around if we don’t heal them? You may not even realize that subconscious thoughts arising from old traumas may be triggering your amygdala when you don’t even realize it. Triggers such as places, scents, songs, or other sounds that remind you of the trauma may trigger “fight-or-flight,” even if you’re completely unaware that it’s happening.
8. Unforgiven resentments
When you harbor resentments- against your ex, your mother, your boss, whoever- you give your amygdala fuel. Resentful thoughts are interpreted by the amygdala just like thoughts of food scarcity or a tiger on the loose.
9. Anger
It’s not just rage that will flip you into “fight-or-flight.” Even thoughts like “Someone just spilled red wine on my white carpet” can trigger your limbic system.
10. Feelings of helplessness
The amygdala likes to feel in control- after all, it’s the amygdala’s job to protect you from danger! So feelings of helplessness can land you in “fight-or-flight.”
If reading this list sends you into “fight-or-flight” just because you’re feeling all 10 of these things right now, don’t despair. This is where you get to be proactive! Awareness is key. Once you start to cultivate awareness of what triggers your own stress responses, you can be mindful about how you tend the garden of your mind so you can keep your amygdala calm and keep your self-repair mechanisms doing what they do best- keeping you healthy!
Lissa Rankin, MD, New York Times bestselling author of Mind Over Medicine, The Fear Cure, and The Anatomy of a Calling is a physician, speaker, founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute. Visit her website for more.
3 Strategies For Handling Drama Kings And Queens
[image error]“Arielle” was sure you gave her a nasty look. No matter how many times you assured you hadn’t, she insisted you had, and dragged you into the bathroom for a heart-to-heart about how badly you made her feel. To get her off your back, you told her you’d take her to lunch for a third time in two weeks.
“Mike” thinks everyone’s out to get him and obsesses about whether he’ll lose his job. You consider Mike a slacker who needs to focus on his work instead of venting about your boss, Internet surfing, and texting. Even though you know Mike over-dramatizes encounters with your boss, he manages to wind you up when he shares what he alleges your boss says about you.
Drama kings and queens, like hurricanes, whirl through your workplace, sucking the oxygen out of the air. Your escape?
Recognize them for what they are
Drama kings and queens (DKQs) consider the workplace a stage and you an audience. They regale you with woe-is-me crises and exaggerated tales. These ego-gone-wild drama king/queens lack empathy and the coping skills to roll with the punches of everyday work life.
Their deep secret -- they need your support to get through their roller coaster day. Like spiders, they bite without warning, worshiping you one minute and despising you the next.
Notice what’s happening
At first, the office DKQ may have fascinated you and added excitement to your work day. Her purported vulnerability may have tugged at your heart strings. Soon, however, you realize you’re spending the day putting out the DKQ’s fires. You’re drained, sucked dry of the energy and enthusiasm you need to fuel your own work life. You might feel angry, guilt-tripped, exhausted – all signals you need to change how you deal with the DKQ.
Trust and act on what you’re feeling. If you let a DKQ continue sucking you into his or her personal issues, you wind up carrying both of you on your back.
Control the drama
Now comes the hard decision – you know you’re not the DKQ’s personal 911, so how do you draw the line and make them stop?
Do you work with a drama king or queen? Recognize them for what they are; notice what’s happening and exercise drama control.
© 2015, Lynne Curry; Dr. Lynne Curry is author of Beating the Workplace Bully, AMACOM, and founder of www.workplacecoachblog.com.
3 Strategies for Turning the Tables on a Workplace Bully
4 Surefire Ways to Deal with Toxic Colleagues
What makes a colleague "toxic" in the first place? When I meet someone I don't trust, it may be that my subconscious is picking up signals that they are toxic. Toxic colleagues may be...
Here are 4 tips successful communicators use to handle these people and why these strategies are so effective:
1. Set a context for your conversation that is "warm" rather than "cold". This primes the atmosphere so the other person will see you as welcoming. This person is a colleague and a good relationship with him or her is necessary to building your positive reputation. Studies have proven that when people can perceive you as “warm” vs. “cold”, they are more likely to trust you.
Ways to make the environment "warm" are by:
shaking hands so they see you as a friend vs. as a foe.inviting them for a cup of tea or coffee for your discussion.sitting next to or across from your colleague without a barrier between you, instead of sitting behind your desk. This says to them unconsciously that you are on "equal footing" rather than coming from a position of authority.2. Set limits and protect your boundaries. Determine your limits on engaging in gossip and when you detect fruitless discussions are wasting your time and sucking your energy. When I was an executive and people came into my office with time-wasting concerns, I politely let them know right up front that I only had 10 or 15 minutes before a phone conference. I stood up when I reached my limit and walked them to my door.
With gossip, it helps to let them know your boundaries on speaking inappropriately about another person, and encourage them to speak directly with the person with whom they have a concern.
Sometimes, we can feel the situation turning from "warm" to "cold". We may disagree and hit a brick wall and stop listening. When this happens, the most successful negotiators use a technique called "disengaging". Tactfully stop and take a break. This allows you time to deal effectively with your emotions and regain composure and perspective.
3. Expose the hidden agenda and bring your needs and goals into the conversation. Here are the simple steps to accomplish this:
• Paraphrase what you understand the other person is saying before moving to your response. It also helps to add your impression of how she/he feels. When you name the emotion, you tame it.
• Ask for clarification of the goal or need they are trying to satisfy. This gets to the "hidden" part of his/her agenda, and makes it transparent to both of you.
• Let him or her know your goals and needs. This puts your concerns and needs on the table so you can effectively negotiate.
• Ask how you might both work together for a win-win solution or outcome. This makes you partners vs. adversaries.
4. Empathize with someone who is argumentative about minor issues by paraphrasing and asking a question that helps them reflect. When someone is argumentative about minor issues, they are often in a state of fear. When afraid, we are hard-wired to narrow our focus to minor issues in order to lessen the fear and gain the illusion of control. If you have a colleague like this, let them know you can see how they are concerned about these things. Then ask, "what is your goal? What are you afraid will happen? What options can you see that might make a positive difference for you and others?"
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
5 Ways Trust is Key to a Lasting Relationship
January 8, 2016
5 Ways to Boost Your Mood When You Are Feeling Down
We all have moments when we feel blue. But what causes us to feel sad? How can we overcome it and feel happy? Here are 5 surprising ways to boost your mood...
1. Know your dopamine
Excitement about life is caused by the brain chemical, dopamine. When your dopamine dips, you notice a slump. It helps to know the slump is normal and natural, because dopamine is not meant to surge all the time. It spurts when you approach a reward that meets your needs, and then it dips, so you’re ready for the next opportunity. Dopamine motivates a lion to run when it has a good shot at a gazelle, but to save its energy the rest of the time. This explains the curious droop you feel after you get what you seek, until you set your sights on a new quest. December is full of dopamine-stimulating activities, but in January, the external world stops triggering it for you, and you have to trigger it yourself. Fortunately, that’s the job your brain is designed for!
2. Know your cortisol
Stress, fear and anxiety are caused by the brain chemical, cortisol. It’s nice to know that cortisol protects you. A lion releases cortisol when a gazelle gets away, and that protects the lion from wasting energy on a hopeless chase. Cortisol works by making you feel so bad that you do what it takes to make it stop. Cortisol helped our ancestors explore a world full of potential threats and survive. You have inherited a brain good at seeing potential threats. If your boss raises an eyebrow by a millimeter, your cortisol may surge. You can end up feeling like a lion who hasn’t eaten in a week, or a gazelle who’s about to be eaten alive. It’s great to know that your body eliminates cortisol in twenty minutes if you avoid triggering more. What can you do for twenty minutes that will not trigger any stress? This is hard to do because your brain is designed to scan for threats when your cortisol is flowing, so prepare non-frustrating, healthy activities for those moments. Ups and downs are natural but you can have more ups!
3. Set an immediate goal and reach it
Dopamine soars when you approach a goal, so find one you can accomplish in the next hour and do it! Clean out the drawer that gets on your nerves. Delete 100 items from your Inbox. Write the letter that’s been on your mind. Your brain will reward you, and more important, you will pave a neural pathway that expects a good feeling when you think about the task in the future.
4. Plan steps toward a long-run goal
We can’t reach big goals all the time, but each step toward a goal triggers dopamine. Your brain doesn’t waste dopamine on pie-in-the-sky dreams; it only gives you the good stuff when it sees the finish line come closer. So take a step every day and you will not only feel good; you will wire yourself to expect to feel good.
5. Spotlight a medium-term goal
You can’t make visible progress every day, and some days bring obstacles that set you back. That’s why we need some more approachable goals to focus on when our bigger goals are stalled. You shift from frustration to excitement when you shift your attention to that realistic goal. You can’t control the world but you control where you invest your energy.
- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org
3 Reasons Why Being Too Nice Doesn't Work
You overextend yourself
When you say yes when you mean no because you want a person to like you, you’re probably not taking your own needs into consideration. Your knee-jerk reaction may be to help but if you have 3 things on your plate that must get done and you take on another, how are you going to fulfill your priorities? Running on "empty," doesn’t help anyone. You are likely to feel irritable and others will sense your “true colors” as well.
You are not authentic
If you stuff down your real feelings, they may come out sideways and ultimately, you may say some things you'll regret. It's better to be truthful and risk alienating the person upfront. You may be pleasantly surprised when they respect you for it. They may not agree with you, but it creates a space for an honest exchange.
When they see behind your mask
When you're really angry and you say everything's okay, very few people will buy that. You may be smiling but you’re giving off another vibe. The only person you are fooling is YOU. You are not avoiding an argument by being agreeable, you are actually fueling it because people can’t trust a phony.
Try These 3 Positive Habits To Feel Better About Yourself
Don't judge yourself harshly
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We need to be kinder to ourselves. How would you treat your best friend? You would probably be more accepting of her frailties. We all make mistakes. That’s how we grow. Know that if you could have done better, you would have.
Give yourself a positive pep talk
Watch what you tell yourself, about yourself. Spot negative mind talk. Counter it by taking on affirmations or using positive mantras. For example, if you're feeling you can't do something, take on "of course I can do it."
Let someone nurture you
Call up a close friend who you know cares. If you can’t actually visit with them, set aside some phone or skype time. Tell them how you feel and let them affirm you. They will remind you of who you really are, when you’ve forgotten.
6 Ways to Deal With People Who Manipulate You
It’s a challenge to maintain a relationship with a manipulative person. People who manipulate will do almost anything to achieve their personal agenda. Having someone like this in your life can cause damage to your emotional wellbeing, so here are some tips for dealing with a manipulative person.
1. Know Your Basic Human Rights
Every individual has basic human rights. These rights include:
• Being treated with respect
• Expressing your feelings, opinions and desires
• Setting your own priorities
• Saying no without feeling guilty
• Having differing opinions
• Getting what you pay for
• Taking care of yourself to create your own healthy, happy life
If a manipulator’s behavior infringes on these rights, you have the moral authority to set boundaries with this person.
2. Promote Empathy and Understanding
Encourage the manipulator to see things from your perspective. According to research published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, even manipulative people have some capacity for empathy. Through rational, calm conversation the manipulator might see things from your perspective.
3. Distance Yourself From Manipulative People
If calm, rational conversation doesn’t work, distance yourself from the manipulator. Detaching yourself from this mentality can help you maintain your own health. Manipulative individuals will use whatever they have against you, including withdrawing affection to make sure you capitulate to their demands. Short circuit this process by creating distance.
4. Know the Typical Behaviors of a Skilled Manipulator
Manipulators will engage in several behaviors in an attempt to control you:
• Buttering you up by bringing you things and being “nice”
• Making you feel guilty
• Bullying you with their words
• Having a selective memory regarding certain circumstances
• Continually repeating themselves like a broken record to get their way
Maintain your boundaries and understand that these behaviors are intended to push their own agenda.
5. Understand That the Manipulative Person Is the Problem, Not You
Manipulative people are skilled in making people feel guilty, so they might attempt to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. The manipulator’s behavior may seem easier to ignore instead of deal with, but over time this individual can erode your self-esteem. Take ownership if you’ve done something wrong, but remember that a manipulator will try to make you feel like you’re wrong even when you aren’t.
6. Listen to Your Gut
Manipulative behavior can have devastating consequences in the workplace. Because manipulation is often felt, rather than seen, you usually have to listen to your gut when dealing with manipulative people. Remember that they act intentionally, so avoid responding to efforts designed to humiliate you. This is the best way to thwart their manipulation. Confining your interactions to work-related matters is the best course of action when dealing with manipulators.
Interpersonal relationships can be difficult to navigate. Whether you’re at work or not, learning how to deal with manipulative people is a helpful skill. These tips offer some suggestions for identifying manipulators and setting boundaries with these individuals.
Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated tosharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter@SarahLandrum for more great tips!
Easy Ways to Deal With Toxic People
4 Ways to Unleash Your Inner Go Getter for the New Year
Few among us can claim to have achieved fashion perfection—but the good news is, the fresh start of a new year is a great time to polish your look. You don’t have to totally overhaul your closet, either. Often, a few simple changes can make a big difference in your overall appearance. (And when you feel comfortable and confident in the way you look, that attitude also manifests in your performance!) As we move into 2016, here are four simple fixes to elevate your professional style:
Don’t worry (too much!) about looking trendy.
There’s nothing wrong with staying in style, but when you’re too much of a slave to fashion, it’s easy to veer into unflattering territory. Think ensembles that aren’t age- or work-appropriate or that aren’t flattering. Plus, switching styles every season can send the message that you’re inconsistent and don’t have a firmly established sense of self. No matter what is being worn on the runways, strive to develop a personal sense of style that is strategically supplemented by trendy pieces.
Veer out of neutral territory.
Neutrals are easy, and for that reason, many professional women pack their closets with blacks, grays, browns, beiges, whites, and other muted tones. However, you don’t want to wear “camouflage” that causes you to completely disappear into the corporate jungle. This year, add small pops of color to your work wardrobe, like a blazer, blouse, scarf, belt, or piece of jewelry—they’ll make you much more memorable!
Stop dressing in the past.
It’s easy to fall into a fashion rut of consistently gravitating toward the same colors, styles, brands, and even sizes. I often see women who think that they’re in style, and they would be—if it were five or ten years ago! The beginning of a new year is a great time to ask a trusted friend for a constructive critique of your look to make sure you haven’t fallen behind. Better yet, hire an image consultant who can suggest strategic pieces to buy that will help the rest of your closet transition gracefully into 2016.
Make time to edit each morning.
When you get dressed in the morning, do you leave yourself time to refine the details? For example, if you put on a skirt and it has a small stain, do you have time to spot-clean or find a new one? What if your hair just won’t cooperate? What if your pantyhose have a run? Or what if an outfit simply looked better in your head than it does on your body? On a typical morning, would you have time to correct these issues, or would you have to choose between running late or living with them? Building even five or ten extra minutes into your routine can make a big difference when it comes to looking your best. (You may find that laying your clothes out the night before—accessories and all!—gives you that extra editing time.)
Here are a few professional looks that are stylish and put-together, and that are likely to remain classic for some time to come:
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- Marla Tomazin is a certified image consultant. Catch up with her at her website, here.
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