Helene Lerner's Blog, page 64

4 Major Mistakes That Women Make That Block Them From True Love

Find out the mistakes you might be making that prevent you from finding true love from Soulmate Coaches, Orna and Matthew Walters.

1. Making It Too Easy
In every relationship whether heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, both parties have masculine and feminine energy. A man in his masculine wants to feel that there is a place for him to contribute and do things. If you want a man to take the lead in relationship, then do less so he has to step up and do more. This way he is in the lead and you will never have to question his intentions with you. You will know by his actions toward you. Instead of making it easy for him by doing too much, relax back into your feminine and allow yourself to receive.

2. Twisting Into A Pretzel To Get Love
When we have the spark of attraction with someone we start to jockey our behavior in an attempt to be pleasing to the other person. We think, “How can I present myself?” “How can I behave to get this person to love me?” If you don't show up authentically from the beginning, then it's impossible to receive the real love and acceptance that you desire. All of us want to be loved for who we really are, and showing up as your authentic self is the key.

 

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3. Pretending We Don’t Have Any Needs
At the start of a relationship we see a lot of women wanting to appear low-maintenance. This is a huge disservice to yourself because your partner doesn't know how to please you. By speaking your needs they will learn how to make you happy. Love and attraction does not come with mind-reading capabilities. By speaking your needs you can see if this person steps up to deliver on your request. This way you can quickly identify who is a match for you, and who is not.

4. Avoiding Conflict
We are told sayings like, “Pick your battles.” This perpetuates the idea of being in a war with your partner. Conflict is a doorway to deeper connection. By avoiding conflict we are not honoring ourselves by speaking how we feel. Our soul desires connection, but our ego desires to be right. Be willing to have the uncomfortable conversations. When you speak your truth, you open the doorway to real intimacy with your partner.

                        -- Orna and Matthew Walters, Getting It Right This Time® 

 

You might also enjoy readint this post: 3 Things You May Not Know About True Soulmates

 

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How to Disarm Guilt Trippers

There are some people who are really good at tapping into the insecurities and guilt of those around them. Why do they do this? Because it gives them incredible power over you. In this post, a guilt tripper is someone who is able to make you feel guilty even though you haven’t done anything wrong. Or maybe they guilt you into thinking you’re a terrible person if you don’t agree with them or do what they want.

Here are three ways to reclaim your power:

Focus on you, not the guilt tripper:
From a practical perspective, the problem isn’t the guilt-tripper. The problem is, you don’t yet know how to stay out of their guilt trap. The only way to disarm a guilt tripper is to make yourself immune to their tactics. I’m not saying that is easy. I’m saying it’s necessary if you want to be in charge of your emotional life rather than letting a guilt tripper control you. If your significant other or co-worker uses guilt to manipulate you, that’s sad. However, that’s not the issue. The real issue is my next point:

You have to decide if you are guilty of anything:
Feeling guilty means you feel you have done something wrong. However, just because you feel that way doesn’t make it true. You have to learn how to evaluate someone’s accusation that you’ve done something wrong and then make a decision if you agree with them or not. What do you do if Bob says, “You know I’m not the most organized person on this team; you are. You should have reminded me our deadline for the project was today and I would have been ready.” You have to decide if Bob is right and whether or not you failed Bob.

Let go of your perfectionism:
You might not think you struggle with perfectionism. However, if you can be manipulated with guilt, it’s highly likely you are more perfectionistic than you think. Look at it this way: Do you struggle at times with being over-responsible—taking responsibility for something you’re not responsible for? If your mom accuses you of not caring for her because you don’t call once a week and accuses you of making  her depressed and distraught, do you buy into that? If you do, you’re being over-responsible—or in other words, perfectionistic.

You need to learn how to own your worth and develop strong self-esteem or you will be easy prey for those who blame you for something that you’re not guilty of. You have to learn what you’re responsible for and not responsible for and drop the perfectionism.

That way you can tell your boss, “I can’t do everything you’ve assigned to me and I’ll explain why. After that, can we talk through the priorities and you tell me what three things are the highest priority for this quarter?” If you struggle with perfectionism and expect unreasonable things for yourself, your boss can easily manipulate you: “Cindy, you’re the only person I can count on to do this. You’ve never failed me and I really need you to do whatever you have to do to pull this off.” If you can’t do that then you’ll fall prey to his guilt-tripping ways.

                                                                  - Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Be Money-wise with your holiday gifting

‘Tis the season! Time for gifting, decorating, shopping, baking, traveling, giving, singing, rejoicing…

Hmmm… relaxing didn’t make the list. In the rush to do every wonderful thing during the holidays, you sometimes feel like there’s barely time to breath. 

You’re supposed to be joyous, but the best you can feel is stressed. You don’t deserve that. Consider all those things you’re supposed to do. Are they really necessary? Probably not. And if they are, take it down a notch. Without skyrocketing stress levels, you can actually enjoy holiday celebrations. 

A Budget Is Your Best Friend

You’ve heard it before, but that doesn’t make it any less true: Make a budget. Oh, and stick to it. But that’s obviously easier said than done. 

When you’re working on your spending plan, look at how much you can afford now. Don’t anticipate what you can contribute next month. Chances are, something will come up, and those funds will be redirected. 

Of course you want wonderful presents for your loved ones. But does wonderful mean expensive? Not at all. Do you think friends and family want you to give them gifts you can’t afford? Again, no. 

Make a reasonable holiday budget that includes presents, parties and travel expenses. Stress and guilt will fly out the window: Enter joy and peace.

Who Are Your Other Friends?

After you’ve created this reasonable, unbreakable budget, make a gift-giving list. Who do you really have to buy for? 

Write down all the names. Then scrutinize the list. Are these people you truly care about and want to shop for, or are they part of a gift-giving habit? 

You may have lost a connection to some people. Take them off your holiday shopping list. You’ll lower your stress and likely theirs, too, since they won’t feel the need to reciprocate. 

And if the connection is still strong, and you would like to get them a gift but can’t, just talk to them about it. Even if they aren’t in the same situation, they can respect your wishes to forego gifts. 

For everyone who made the cut, generate some affordable gift ideas. Better yet, ask for suggestions. Your loved ones will get something they want, and you won’t have the stress of trying to satisfy everyone. 

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Now you can go shopping with your list in hand. Do not veer from it: Keep it close in case you get tempted to stray.

The easiest way to follow your budget is to use cash or a prepaid spending card. When the money’s gone, you’re done.

If you shop online –- which can be cheaper — keep a running tally of what you’ve spent. Don’t forget shipping charges!

Stick to It: You’ve put a lot of work into your present list. The ideas fit both your budget and the recipients. But there may come a time when you’ve reached your limit, but you find the perfect gift. You simply never thought of it. The present is right in front of you. 

First, take a breath. Walk around a bit — maybe it was just a momentary whim. 

Then think: It may be a great gift, but the intended beneficiary isn’t expecting it and, therefore, won’t miss it. Only you know. And you already have purchased a perfectly nice, affordable present.

Allow Changes: If you can’t shake the idea, continue to focus on your budget. If you still must have the gift, then you’re going to have to return something. That’s the rule: No going over budget. 

How perfect does the gift seem now, knowing that you’ll have to make a return? If you don’t mind the bother, go for it. 

But if the exchange will be a hassle, stick with what you already have. One gift is not going to make or break anyone’s holiday, but all these little problems nudge your stress level higher and higher. Your loved one wouldn’t want that!

 

Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated tosharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips!

4 Ways to Turn Worry Into Determination

We all worry. Even though we know it’s useless and draining, we try to figure it out, thinking it’s going to help solve the problem, but it never does. It only makes the problem worse because it makes us feel depleted. Here are some surprising ways we can channel worry into something positive.

Get off the worry track
Out of habit, you may feed your worry obsession by being so focused on it, that nothing else enters your mind. Often, in the midst of worry, you reach out for people to commiserate, so you can involve them in your misery. The fact that you’re focused and also reaching out, is a good thing. Shift your focus to actions that will actually solve the problem. Reach out to mobilize help.

Track your worrying
For one day, actually write down the things you worry about and how much time you spend thinking about your problems. See how much energy is wasted by obsessing. What other things could you do with that time? You might not realize how your anxiety eats up your life until you see the numbers in black and white.

Mirror, mirror on the worrying wall
Observe other people who are in the midst of a worry attack. How is their behavior affecting them? What suggestions would you give them to help ease their stress? Now apply that advice to yourself.

Indulge in a guilty pleasure
Instead of wracking your brain trying to come up with a solution, pamper yourself. What is that one thing that always makes you feel good? Now is the time to bring it forth. Sometimes if we take a break to recharge, when we come back, the answer to our problem is staring us right in the face! The choice is yours. Pamper? Or stress?

3 Things You May Not Know About True Soulmates

Everyone wants to find that special someone. A person where we can say, “You’re the one.” In other words, our soulmate. Find out how you can create that soul connection from Soulmate Coaches, Orna and Matthew Walters. 

1. You have a Choice
From the moment we are born we are taught to have a plan for everything important in life – except love. With love we have been taught that it’s up to destiny or fate to find “The One.” What we want to share with the WomenWorking.com community is that soulmate love is a choice. Do we only have one soulmate? NO. Connecting with your soulmate is more about creating a selection process that serves you to identify a good match for you than it is relying on destiny. 

2. Soul Contract vs. Soulmate

A soul contract can be played out in the dark or in the light. When you have a soul contract with another person they will only stay in your life until the contract is complete. On the other hand, a true soul partnership is where two people go into a relationship consciously to better themselves as individuals. In a true soul partnership both individuals have made the commitment to choose each other. You cannot do or say the wrong thing with your soulmate. The two of you will always find ways to navigate through challenges and conflicts together. 

3. The Other Person Is Not You

This is the key to a successful relationship. It’s too easy, and all too common, for us to point the finger at our partner and think that they are the problem. The spark of attraction is created from the differences, and yet at some point we think that if our partner is more like us we could get along so much better. Your partner becomes a fun-house mirror and it can often be difficult to recognize ourselves because the image is distorted. As close as you may be, and regardless of how much love there is between you – you and your partner are two different people. You have different beliefs, past experiences, and mental/emotional patterns. Your soulmate will not be just like you – they will compliment you. 

                      --Orna and Matthew Walters, Getting It Right This Time® 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You might also enjoy reading this post: 3 Surefire Tips to Being a GREAT Soulmate

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4 Tips on How to Say NO, Even When you Feel Guilty

Do you say Yes more than you want to? Are you angry at yourself when you do because you end up stretched beyond belief?

Well, here are 4 ways to get a grip on saying NO when you want to (even if GUILT comes up)!

1. Think before saying YES!
Often we say YES automatically. We may feel awkward turning someone down and don't want to suffer the consequences--GUILT!

During the holiday time when everyone has too much to do, BE CAREFUL, don't take on more than you need to. Saying NO is saying YES to yourself.

2. What's in it for you?
We all want to be liked but sometimes we turn ourselves into pretzels to do so. Nothing is worth trying to "please" someone at the expense of compromising yourself. Take on another task or commitment if there is something in it for you. If you help out a colleague and give up something important to do so, make sure it's worth your while.

3. Stand your ground
Let's say you say NO. And you get that guilt producing look--what do you do? Cave in? Absolutely not! Just keep saying no, even to yourself. Offer up an excuse of why you can't do it now. (Just remember times when you asked an assertive person to help. If they couldn't do it, they said no graciously). 

4. Say it offering an alternative
Suggest someone else that might help.  That person may really benefit from being asked. Don't exaggerate your self-importance; other people can substitute, just fine.

Three Ways Strong Women Talk Back When They Are Wronged

Let me tell you about “Susan.” She represents many clients I’ve had over the years who have all told me in one way or another: “All my life I feel people have been telling me to tone it down or just shut up.” The thing is, “Susan” is a strong woman who is confident and quite willing to speak her mind, just like strong men do. You’d think that’s a good thing—I do. 

But not everyone likes strong women. I can tell you who does though: Strong men and strong women like strong women. But that leaves a lot of others who would rather you tone it down, be nicer or just be invisible—unless you happen to agree with them.

That’s why a man can interrupt the person who just interrupted him and even raise his voice doing so and no one thinks twice. If a woman does that, people take notice. Men are expected to push back when they get a job offer, to negotiate a higher offer, but women are penalized for doing so. And don’t get me started on how anger is judged differently in a man versus a woman.

So what do you do as a strong woman, especially if you’ve been “wronged in some way? Here are three ways strong women handle themselves when wronged:

A strong woman leads the way
If a strong woman is being spoken to in a condescending manner in a meeting, she speaks up then and there. She doesn’t worry about embarrassing the other person because she knows he or she has already embarrassed himself or herself. She doesn’t take responsibility for how the other person will feel—she knows the other person is responsible for their own emotions. Are there exceptions to speaking up in real time when you’re wronged? Yes, but a strong woman doesn’t turn exceptions into the rule—she speaks up now.

A strong woman’s goal isn’t to be “Nice”
A strong woman’s goal is to speak her mind and to be heard. Her goal is to right a wrong, not to make someone feel superior to her for the sake of the other person’s ego. A strong woman is able to speak up, set limits and even fire a shot over the bow without worrying about the fall-out. She knows that the right people will respect her and she doesn’t worry about the wrong people who won’t—the people who would judge her while admiring a man for doing the same thing.

A strong woman would say, “Frank, you interrupted me, hold your thoughts while I finish what I need to say” and then speak her mind.” That might not be nice, but it’s respectful and effective. A strong woman doesn’t aim to be nice—she intends to be (and is) respectful and effective. However, her definition of “respectful” might not be the same as yours if you’re not also a strong woman or man.

A strong woman owns her strength and power
A strong woman likes who she is and she is unwilling to change for the sake of others. Strong women own their opinions. They expect to be treated fairly, and if they’re not, they’re going to deal with—and they don’t seek your permission to do so. It’s not that a strong woman is hard to get along with—she’s just not willing to go along just to get along. That’s what nice people do to avoid conflict—then they go away feeling powerless and resentful. 

If a strong woman can’t right the wrong, and if it’s slight, she will exercise wisdom and not turn a slight into a deal-breaker. However, if it is a deal-breaker, a strong woman will let you know that right away and in no uncertain terms. If things can’t be repaired, whether it’s work or a personal matter, a strong woman will find another job where she is welcomed for her strength, she will find another significant other who is strong enough to be her equal or she will find another friend who is really her friend.

A strong woman will not be wronged and suffer in silence—she knows what she deserves and has the courage to speak up or walk away.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

3 Surefire Tips To Being a GREAT Soulmate

We all know that nurturing and growing Big Love requires us to be present with our partner and to consciously provide them with our love, time, affection, appreciation, and heaps of kindness. And in order to do that, it’s necessary to remember that we first need to fill up our own tank.

Today is a gentle reminder that self-love and self-care are essential components of Big Love.

Here are 3 golden keys to consider:

1) Write yourself a lavish love letter. Acknowledge all your goodness and thank your body, mind and spirit for all the ways it supports your life and your soul.

2) Take plenty of “me” time, then go and do fun, new, playful activities with yourself. Anything that brings you happiness!

3) Build your oxytocin levels (the bonding hormone) by giving and getting more hugs, getting mani/pedi’s, going shopping (you don’t have to buy, just touching and feeling beautiful things works), getting a massage, having your hair done, or hanging out with friends, all of these work!

When you put yourself and your partner FIRST, nobody comes in second!

To get more of Arielle Ford's great advice, visit her website. Look for Arielle's new book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate coming soon.

3 Keys To Being a GREAT Soulmate

We all know that nurturing and growing Big Love requires us to be present with our partner and to consciously provide them with our love, time, affection, appreciation, and heaps of kindness. And in order to do that, it’s necessary to remember that we first need to fill up our own tank.

Today is a gentle reminder that self-love and self-care are essential components of Big Love.

Here are 3 golden keys to consider:

1) Write yourself a lavish love letter. Acknowledge all your goodness and thank your body, mind and spirit for all the ways it supports your life and your soul.

2) Take plenty of “me” time, then go and do fun, new, playful activities with yourself. Anything that brings you happiness!

3) Build your oxytocin levels (the bonding hormone) by giving and getting more hugs, getting mani/pedi’s, going shopping (you don’t have to buy, just touching and feeling beautiful things works), getting a massage, having your hair done, or hanging out with friends, all of these work!

When you put yourself and your partner FIRST, nobody comes in second!

To get more of Arielle Ford's great advice, visit her website. Look for Arielle's new book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate coming soon.

Dress for Success at Holiday Parties

‘Tis the season for holiday celebrations. Often, office parties, professional events, and other gatherings where you might have the chance to network are the toughest events to dress for. You want to break out of the hum-drum daily fashion mold, but at the same time it’s not a good idea to let your sartorial sense shock your colleagues! (I.e., it’s best to leave the patterned stockings, eye-catching statement jewelry, and form-fitting dresses in the closet.) Fortunately, there’s a happy medium between boring business suit and short, sparkly cocktail dress. Here are four ideas to help you look professional yet festive at this year’s celebrations:

Stay classy and classic in basic black and white
Don’t let black’s sometimes-somber reputation scare you away. When worn correctly, it can be just as festive as red and green! Start with one foundation piece and add onto that. Keep in mind that black and white is a particularly classic—and easy-to-put-together—color combination. For instance, wear a skinny black pant or black skirt with a dressy white blouse—or vice versa! Then add a black pump from your closet, put on some sparkly crystal earrings, and voilà! You’re set. 

  

Dress for the occasion
Even if you don’t wear dresses to work regularly, a holiday party might be a worthy occasion to slip one on. There are so many options in terms of style and color—and if you don’t own a dress you love, you’ll definitely be able to find one on sale this time of year. Just watch the necklines and hemlines—it’s always wise to err on the conservative side for business events. Here are a few looks that strike a nice balance between “professional” and “fun”: 

  

 

Go for a white-out
Winter and white go wonderfully together. If you’re skeptical, just think about the beauty of a snow-covered landscape. And then imitate it. Winter white makes a great statement, and it will help you stand out in all the right ways. Choose a totally white outfit to make a dreamy and sophisticated entry. A white wool pant and dressy blouse or sweater in the same color, accented with pearls or crystal jewelry and a metallic shoe and bag, will be wonderfully unique. 

 

Buck the color trend with camels and nudes
Black, red, and green are usually the go-to holiday colors. And while they’re all fantastic choices, don’t let them limit your palette. Many women look better in camels, nudes, and bronzes than in black, for example. If that’s you, choose a camel dress or a leather (or animal-print!) skirt and find a sweater, beaded top, or silk top that blends well. Wear copper or bronze shoes and a matching bag, and finish the look with complimentary bronze dangling earrings or a big chunky necklace (but not both!). You are ready to dazzle. 

  

- Marla Tomazin is a certified image consultant. Catch up with her at her website, here.