Helene Lerner's Blog, page 65

4 Ways to Deal With Angry People

In my last post we looked at dealing with passive-aggressive people. Today, we're going to talk about how to deal with an angry person. In this post, I’m using "anger" to refer to toxic anger where the angry person is blaming, shaming, attacking, or dumping on you. Instead of owning their anger and communicating with you in a responsible and healthy way, the angry person is playing the victim role. They deny any responsibility for managing their emotions and feel entitled to take their anger out on you.

Angry people tend to intimidate others when venting their anger. An angry person easily feels scary and over-powering to you if you aren’t highly confident and assertive. You need to protect yourself and you have a right to feel safe psychologically and emotionally, whether it’s at work or elsewhere. Here are four tips for dealing with angry people:

Stay away from angry people
You might not be able to stay completely away from someone when they’re in the anger mode, but do it the best you can. At work, tell them, “I’m perfectly willing to have a discussion with you, but not when you’re talking to me this way. I’m leaving now and when you’re able to discuss this as professionals I’ll be happy to do so.” If you have a consistently angry person in your personal life, you have to come to terms with the fact that you are allowing them in your life and by doing that you are telling them it’s not so bad. You’re the only one that can decide how much abuse you’re willing to take but first you have to realize that you are being abused.

Don’t respond in kind
If you fly off the handle in response to the angry person, now we have two people with anger problems. They are blaming who knows what and you’re blaming them but the truth is neither of you know how to handle your frustration and anger well. If you can’t control yourself, don’t put yourself in that position. If you can manage your emotions, listen to them unless they cross a line that you’ve predetermined will end the discussion. Offer to help in any way you can unless getting involved would be enabling them. 

Appeal to their best self
Sit down with them when they’re in a calm state and tell them you want to have a good working relationship with them. Explain to them how you feel (using “I” statements) when they are going off on you. That won’t make any difference to the more toxic and angry people, but you won’t know if the angry person is capable of empathizing and owning their behavior until you give them a chance. Affirm the positives you see in them, and in that context, help them to see how it would be to their benefit to communicate in a respectful and safe way with you.

At work, document the behavior
I wish I could say that anger isn’t a problem in today’s workplace, but it is. I’ve had clients with bosses up to the CEO level who were, as my clients said, “volatile.” That word is code for “toxic.” Your job is to document the behavior over a period of several weeks to a month and then talk to your boss (assuming he or she isn’t the culprit) and then to H.R. if your boss doesn’t take care of the matter. If H.R. doesn’t do their job it means they either don’t care, they don’t know how to deal with it, or they don’t have the backing of senior management. In that case you have to decide if you want to stay where you are or find another job. I know, that’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

4 Ways to Handle Passive-Aggressive People

One of the most popular workshop topics in the corporate world is about dealing with “difficult people.” Of course, in these workshops everyone wants to know, “How in the world do I handle my passive-aggressive co-worker or family member?” I bet you have had your fair share of experiences dealing with passive-aggressive people. Their behavior can make you want to pull your hair out.

They say they’re okay with you, but they won’t return your phone calls or emails or they make sure they do so when it’s too late to be any good. They consistently tell you, “You’re just being sensitive—I didn’t mean it that way at all.” They say things like, “That was a great presentation—it wasn’t perfect, but hey, nobody’s perfect, right?” And let’s not forget about the person who snaps at you, then when you ask if they’re frustrated or angry about something says, “of course not,” and slams the door on their way out.

If you want to know how to more effectively handle passive-aggressive behavior, here are four tips you need to know and practice:

Understand what drives their behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is driven by the anger that comes from feeling powerless. Sandra can’t tell you directly what she’s thinking or feeling because she thinks it will make her look bad or get her into trouble—so she tells you in very indirect ways—ways that feel safe to her.

Don’t take it personally
Passive-aggressive people don’t discriminate when it comes to how they treat others—they’re passive-aggressive with everyone, not just with you. If you let them push your buttons, that will encourage their behavior because it gives them what they want—to feel powerful and in control. Remind yourself often “this isn’t about me.”

Model what you want
Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you’re frustrated or angry, let them know in a straight-forward manner: “I’m angry right now and I’d like to tell you why.” When a passive-aggressive person (or anyone else) asks you to do something you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do, say, “No,” right now, not later.

Know what to say
Passive-aggressive people are experts in how they communicate and behave. They know just how far to go and they know if they can push your buttons. Prepare now so you will be ready the next time you’re on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. For instance, if someone tells you, “I’d love to help you out on the project” and then drags their feet and misses the first deadline, speak directly to it: “I noticed you missed your deadline. If that happens again, I’ll have to remove you from the project and explain that to our boss.”

Want more tips? Check out How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People by Preston Ni.

-Alan Allard, Executive Coach

3 Surefire Ways to Focus on the Positive and Advance

You know what feedback is, but “feedforward” might be a new term. It comes from the renowned executive coach Marshall Goldsmith, who tells us to focus on the future more than we do the past when helping someone else change and improve. In the feedforward model, the question, “What can you do next time that might be more effective?” is just as important (if not more important) than the question, “What went wrong here?”

I’m not going to suggest we stop giving feedback altogether, and neither does Dr. Goldsmith. The fact is, we need it to see our blind-spots and pay attention to mistakes or shortcomings. However, when it comes to feedback versus feedforward, we tend to do too much of the former and too little of the latter. 

Focus on the positive 
Here’s my suggestion for finishing up this year and for starting 2016 strong: Whether you’re communicating with others or yourself, when you feel the need to give feedback, don’t stop there. Make sure you give “feedforward” and end the discussion on a positive and empowering note. 

What’s useful?
With this year almost over and the New Year a few weeks away, it’s good to review our successes, progress, and our mistakes and areas for improvement. However, since we can’t change the past, don’t stay in the past. Move into the future by asking the other person (or yourself) “How will you move forward now that you know what you know?” “What would be useful next time?” “How can you think or act differently that will give you the results you want?”

Look toward the future 
Feedback is important but without feedforward it can be discouraging or even demoralizing. Feedforward is about solutions, improvements, and success. So when you blow it or come up short, by all means, do a review of the past. Then look confidently into the future you can shape and create from the power of feedforward.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

The Secret to Growing Your Value Quickly

Mika Brzezinski, Co-Host Morning Joe, MSNBC, has built a career on learning from her mistakes and transforming her losses. Now she empowers others to know their worth and advance. In this feature, Mika focuses on strategies for Millennials and entrepreneurs who have their own particular challenges. Millennials are the best educated generation in American history, but they also have the highest jobless rate in recent  history. Entrepreneurs have an eight-in ten failure rate in the marketplace. 

Make a great first impression
Know your audience and be savvy when you interact with these important people. Whether you're a Millennial trying to advance in her career or an entrepreneur trying to drum up investors, these are the people who are going to make it happen for you. Even if you were brought up to appreciate your own inner gifts above all else, you need to learn how to play well with others.

Look the part 
Dress according to your work culture, but I believe your hair and clothing shouldn't detract from eye contact. Other fantastic advice came from my friend and fashion entrepreneur Michelle Smith, founder of Milly. She suggests, “Keep your look simple and smart, subtly attractive. You want a potential employer to see you as a good investment.”

Don't try to befriend your boss
Your boss doesn't want to be friends with you. Your boss wants to keep the boundaries intact. Those boundaries are a good thing. When I spoke with Joanna Coles, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, she said, “To me, it's fine to develop friendships and connections. But when you're starting out in your twenties, I think it's important to show that you are focused and that you don't bring everything in your personal life to work with you.”

Work your way up
I teach women to know their value and to communicate effectively, so when I tell twenty-somethings to do the grunt work, I know they're thinking, “Well, wait a minute—I thought I was supposed to know my value!” How do you transition from doing busy work (and doing it well), to saying, “Hey, I am more, and I want more”?

Your boss isn't going to come to you. You need to raise your hand. But how and when should you do that? If you prove yourself, you will feel comfortable asking for more.

Make and keep contacts
Part of being able to build and maintain a good professional network is not alienating your superiors or your peers. That is, your sense of self-importance, entitlement, and whatever comes across as arrogance can negatively influence your career for years to come. Your current boss is tomorrow’s contact and potentially your boss in the future—again. 

More from Mika
Who are you and what do you want?

Mika feels that we have to ask ourselves tough questions. Here are some of them.

• What strong traits do I have that I've undersold or hidden?

• If I were going to write a fifteen-word ad for myself, what would it say?

• What do I not want my professional persona to be?

• What can I do in the future to avoid self-damaging behavior in the office?

Adapted from Grow Your Value, by Mika Brzezinski, Weinstein Books, 2015.

 

5 ways to deal with tragedy and the holidays

It’s unfortunate at any time to be burdened with worldwide tragedy, but particularly during the holiday season the presence of war and senseless killing may feel unbearable.  I believe the craziness in the world can overtake you if you allow it, but remember you are in control of you.  

How do you maintain the spirit of the holiday and celebration during tragedy without seeming insensitive, unbothered, unconcerned”?

 Well, here are five ways to get through and not give up hope.

      Stop watching the news

It’s ok to watch the news for headline updates but try to manage it so that you are never on the news channel or websites more than a few minutes a day unless you are a journalist or in a job that requires you to be in the know.

Stop talking about it

When there are tragic shootings, killings and such try not to indulge in the conversation and whatever your contribution is in the side bar chit chat, make sure to add some positive thoughts.

Don’t see things worse than they are

You never want to be the person who sees tragedy and maintains the world is coming to an end and all hope is loss.  Negative thoughts attract back negative, and negative emotions put you at the lowest level of frequency, which will block anything positive you desire.

Share a prayer or a kind thought

Be the person to send light and love to the universe in your thoughts and prayers.  Whisper a prayer for the persons directly impacted.

Donate to a charity

The ability to help someone in need or someone less fortunate will encourage you and lift the cloud of heaviness.

So there you have it.  These are my tips on how to stay informed but not consumed so you can move forward in your work day, career, business or holiday.  Now I want to here from you.

Do you find yourself feeding in to the water cooler conversation about gloom and doom in the world or are you on the opposite spectrum of light, love and bliss?

—Dee C. Marshall, Career Coach,  @DeeCMarshall

The Secret to Happiness During the Holidays

During this holiday season, you may encounter people in your extended family who are “challenging” to be with. You may have family members (and even old friends) who can unwittingly “push your buttons” and create some very uncomfortable moments for you! In my case, I’ve had a somewhat strained relationship with my sister and have found it difficult to stay present and not react to her when we’re together. 

So how can you stay centered while spending time with family and friends? How can you maintain some equanimity during the ups and downs of holiday gatherings?

Try practicing gratitude on a regular basis, by consciously looking for things to be thankful for every day. There are many benefits, including a greater sense of calm and reduced stress. 

But it’s even better if you can be thankful for the people in your life and express that appreciation to them.

This public appreciation of others can have a transformative impact on your relationships, especially with family and close friends over the holidays.

Here are some tips on how to do this:

Make a list of family and friends you’ll be seeing over the holidays. You can list them by the event or by the day—for instance, whom you’ll be seeing for Christmas dinner.

On your list, write down three qualities you appreciate about each person. For example, although my sister lives far away, I admire that she regularly keeps in touch with family members. She’s “responsible,” “dependable,” and “family oriented.”

Now publicly express your appreciation to those people you will be seeing over the holidays. They can be for big or little things: “I so appreciate that you’re always there for me.” “Thanks for always being so flexible,” or “I always admire your taste in clothes.” (“Publicly” can mean in front of a group or one-on-one.) 

Make sure the appreciation is authentic and that you mean what you say. This isn’t flattery or going through the motions. If it is, others will know it. There is always something you can find to genuinely appreciate about another human being! 

Don’t let the other person deflect your words of appreciation. It’s often uncomfortable for another to hear praise, so s/he will often make a joke or try to minimize your comments. Sometimes you have to repeat what you’ve said, to make sure it “lands.”

If you use these holidays to express your appreciation of others, it can dramatically improve the quality of your relationships AND your enjoyment of this very special season.

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates

3 Time Expanders to Get the Most out of 2015

Finally we made it to December. Isn’t it true so many people think of December as all things happy… Happy Holiday, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy New Year, but if you are like most professional career women you may be thinking, “I am far from happy considering time is running out.” 

If that is your feeling today and you are wondering how to get it all done before Christmas, here are some insights on how to make the most of the time you have left in 2015. 

Create a Plan 
The best way to manage time is to plan your time. Decide what you need to do and then schedule everything. Whether you use an app, a planner, or a wall calendar, you must account for what you are going to do. Insert events, shopping, decorating, phone calls, gift-wrapping, kissing and hugging, etc. If you create a plan you are more likely to reduce overwhelm. 

Prioritize 
When creating your year-end plan, get clear on all that you want to accomplish in addition to your obligations. Then, list and prioritize using the easy “A, B, C, 1, 2, 3” method. After creating your list, categorize according to importance. “A” Priorities must be done before you move to “B” and “B” must be complete before you move to “C”. Now you will have your A, B, C priorities and can number them by importance: A1, A2, A3, etc. This will help you focus on the most important tasks, one at a time, before tackling low value items. 

Delete
On this list of things you need to accomplish by the end of the year, it is likely that you have more things to do than you have time to complete. One way to manage this is to revisit low priority tasks and qualify them. Yes, you need to justify WHY you are committed to the task, project, goal, or activity. If you cannot come up with a good reason WHY you are committed to the item, let it go. You may not realize it, but you are probably carrying commitments that are no longer relevant. It’s you weighing you down, my friend.  In this instance, it’s ok to throw it out, delete it, cancel, squash it, toss it, remove it. I promise you will feel much lighter after making this quality decision. It is perfectly acceptable to just say NO. Period. Remember, NO is a complete sentence. 

So there you have it. This is how you set yourself for a better closeout to 2015. I want to hear from you in the comments below. How do you get through the last month of year? Is it manageable, overwhelming, or enjoyable? 

See you at the top!

—Dee C. Marshall, Career Coach,  @DeeCMarshall

Say Hello to our New December Coach!

Hello there gorgeous, greatness, beautiful, fabulous! I'm Dee Marshall, a certified Coach, Author, Speaker and TV Lifestyle Contributor, and I'll be your career coach for the month of December. This month will be all about finishing strong, but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me. 

I am a Wall Street Alumi, I trained million dollar producers for Fortune 500 corporations up until September 11, 2001, and my training specialty is in leadership development. I have worked for the best of the best in corporate America and then I got the heck out of dodge, but not before taking copious notes on how to win at work and in business. The truth of the matter is: I’m obsessed with figuring out how to love your life and live your dreams and I’ve created juicy tips tools and resources to pass on to you. My goal is to light a match under your bottom to reignite in you what is screaming to take center stage.   

I am the author of two books “#PrayLiveWin: 52 Pratical Prayers for Women” available here at Amazon and my new book “Move Out of Your Own Way: How to stop self-sabotage” which will be released January 2, 2016. On a personal note, I am a single woman of a certain age and I have one furry child named Sophie and we live a yummy life.  

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to finish the year strong and help you have more success, fulfillment and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to serving and support you!

—Dee C. Marshall, Career Coach

How to Work Harmoniously with a Younger Boss

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Discovering that you have a younger boss, especially one with less experience than you, can pose a real challenge for some people. Experts predict that this could be something many more of us will have to deal with as millennials are promoted and baby boomers remain in the workforce. 

It’s important to look past the age gap and focus instead on developing a productive and harmonious relationship with your younger boss. Here are some helpful tips for relieving any unease if you’re in a situation where your boss is younger than you:  

Don’t Be Prejudiced

First off, avoid jumping to premature conclusions about your younger boss before you’ve really had a chance to get to know him or her. If you’re open-minded and put a positive spin on things, you’re much more likely to learn from each other and progress toward a valuable working relationship. 

Be Open to What You Can Learn From Your Boss

Don’t assume that they lack knowledge, skills or experience in certain areas simply because of their age. 

Also, try to avoid making any sweeping generalizations about a particular age group, such as Gen Y being entitled and technology-obsessed. Even if you don’t verbalize them, your prejudices will seep through in your attitude — and only encourage others to stereotype you. 

Your boss may have different ways of doing things, so it’s important to remain flexible and willing to try new methods and styles of working. At the end of the day, respect is the most important factor. Realize that your boss wouldn’t be in this position if they weren’t great at what they do. Take the time to get to know them and what they offer, as well as learn how you can best offer support.

Avoid Projecting Insecurity

We all have different skillsets and areas of strength. Your younger boss likely has great managerial skills, while you may be more technically-inclined or possess in-depth knowledge on a niche area. 

Simply because someone is above you in the chain of command doesn’t mean they’re inherently better or more valuable. Try not to get sucked into a hierarchical or competitive mindset. Instead, focus on how you can collaborate, support each other and help drive the company forward in partnership. 

It’s also important to avoid projecting any underlying insecurity about your age. There are likely some areas in which the generational gap reveals itself, whether in terms of language, the latest technology, or pop culture trends. Laugh off any minor hiccups and discomfort. Don’t let them phase you. 

It’s vital to do the following: 

Be yourself.Embrace your age.Avoid acting as something you’re not in an attempt to fit in with a younger crowd. People will see right through you and this is the fastest way to lose your credibility.

Look For Areas of Commonality

Although generational differences can reveal themselves starkly in some scenarios, age isn’t everything. Try to look past this difference, and focus instead on areas of similarity that will help forge a genuine connection with your younger boss. 

An obvious place to start is the fact you work in the same company and industry, meaning you probably share similar values, skills and interests. Focus on the work at hand and areas where you click. 

Don’t shy away from socializing with your boss and other co-workers after hours. If it feels comfortable, this is a great way to create genuine bonds and develop a deeper understanding of one another. Even with widely differing interests, hobbies and peer groups, it’s perfectly possible to connect on a personal level and develop mutual respect. 

Offer Support and Information

Your age and experience is a great source of help to your younger boss, so don’t hold back when it comes to offering your insights. Identify your core assets and let your boss know about the ways you can help. 

You likely have a larger network of contacts, as well as a fountain of knowledge when it comes to historical trends, long-term clients and other colleagues. 

Be careful not to come across as condescending. Always stay objective, focus on key deliverables and keep the interests of the company at the forefront.

When your boss is younger than you, it’s best to overlook the age factor. Be sure to respect their position, skills and authority. Look past your differences towards areas of commonality.

At the same time, recognize that your age and relative experience bring significant advantages. Harness these to develop a productive working relationship with your boss and — ultimately — help drive your company and career forward. 

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Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated to sharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips!

6 Signs You May be Overreacting

The holiday season can be a decidedly mixed blessing! On one hand, it’s a time that we can experience gratitude for the blessings in our lives, express our appreciation to family and friends, reflect on what we’ve learned in the past year, and celebrate a new beginning on January 1st. 

But for many of us it’s also a stressful time, as mentioned in previous posts. We often have fewer days to complete our work, after-hour shopping to do for gifts, and obligatory gatherings with extended family that provide interpersonal challenges! 

All the more reason to be careful about the assumptions we make—especially about our colleagues and friends. When somebody doesn’t say hello to us, or sends us an email that feels “abrupt,” or doesn’t respond to our phone call, we may take it just a little more personally this time of year than we might otherwise. And we can leap to conclusions about those individuals that may not be warranted—and take ill-advised actions.

Business theorist Chris Argyris developed the concept of the “Ladder of Inference” to describe how this happens. 

We observe an event then selectively gather data based on our beliefs.
For instance, at an all-company meeting, a manager of another department makes a critical comment about your department’s performance. His remark gets your attention because you already have a belief that the manager doesn’t respect you personally because you’re a strong woman. (He actually says some complimentary things about your department too, but you focus on the negative comment.)

We then add meaning to the data we selected.
Keeping with the example above: you interpret the man’s remark through what appears to be a history of sexism he’s shown to you and the women you work with.

We make assumptions based on the meaning added.
You assume he’s looking for something to criticize about your work—whether the criticism is fair or not.

We draw conclusions.
You conclude that he’s actively plotting against you and wants to put you in your place. 

We create generalized beliefs based on those conclusions.
You believe that he’s now your enemy and that he’d like to see you removed from your job—and you need to operate accordingly!

We take actions based on those beliefs.
You now begin plotting how you can undermine his credibility before he takes you down.

All of this occurs unconsciously, in nanoseconds. That’s why it’s important to slow down the process and notice the meanings, assumptions, conclusions, and beliefs you have rapidly formed—before things get out of hand. For starters, you need to test your assumptions!

Perhaps the manager in the above example has what he feels is a legitimate gripe. Or maybe he’s reacting to some slight he’s perceived from you. (Happens a lot.) Having an offline conversation could straighten this all out. Of course you would want to put your assumptions on hold for the meeting, so you don’t go in with guns blazing. It’s critical you engage him with an open mind.

Being aware of the Ladder of Inference during these holidays could prevent some serious misunderstandings between you and your colleagues or friends—and provide you some added peace of mind.

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates