Helene Lerner's Blog, page 69

How to Leave Your Job Even When You're Afraid

If you wake up most mornings dreading going to work, it’s time to do something about it. But what do you do when every time you think about changing jobs, your fears stop you before you even begin? Here are four questions that might be the answer to your fears:

What do you really want?

You know you don’t like your current job, but what do you really want in your next job? If you don’t know, that’s a real problem. That could be the reason you’re afraid your next job may not be any better—because you’re not sure yet what “better” is. Make a list of everything you want in your next job, then prioritize each item. When you’re clear on what you want, your excitement for what’s possible will put your fears in perspective.

What’s really stopping you?

I have a friend who has blamed everything under the sun for staying in a job he doesn’t like. It’s been the economy, the wrong time of the year to move the family across the country, or he needs to wait for his next bonus to hit. But those things aren’t the problem. The real problem is he’s afraid no one will hire him at his age despite his incredible track record. Until he’s honest with himself about what he’s really afraid of, he’ll stay in a job he doesn’t like. Identify what you’re really afraid of and you’re off to a good start.

What’s your plan?

If you don’t have an actual plan for leaving your job and securing a new one, it’s no wonder you’re afraid. Your plan needs to include a list of every obstacle you can think of and a plan of how you’re going to deal with each obstacle. If you’re afraid to interview, your plan can include going to a workshop to learn how to interview like a pro. If you’re thinking you might have to take a pay cut to do work you love, your plan needs to include how you will adjust your lifestyle to meet your new income. Solid planning might be all you need to tame your fears.

Who’s supporting you?

If the people around you are telling you that you’d be crazy to leave your steady job just because you don’t like it, no wonder your fears have stopped you so far. It’s hard to be courageous when everyone around you is warning you about all the dangers ahead. Get the support you need to deal with your fears of leaving a job you no longer want. Everybody needs support, including you. That could mean anything from reading a book on jumpstarting your career, building your confidence, going to a workshop on how to make a job change, or using a coach short term. Your fears might have stopped you so far, but the right kind of support will give you what you need to face your fears and win. 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Taming Difficult People in the Workplace

Whether they’re at work or at home, “difficult people” can make you want to run the other way. But that’s mainly because you don’t know how to deal with them. Today we’re going to have a crash course on how to deal with two types of difficult people. Remember that difficult people do what they do simply because they can—you're going to learn how to interrupt their patterns and make it unpleasant or impossible for them to continue their toxic behavior.

The Drama Queen/King

Some people are addicted to drama and they want to tell you all about their latest crisis or how they are being mistreated. Here’s how to tame them:

Beat them at their own game: Interrupt them within sixty seconds with your own mini-drama. Say, “I’m sorry, but I just remembered I’m an hour late getting back to a coworker, and he’s never going to let me forget this. I have to take care of this immediately.”

Limit their time: “Jim, I know you’re upset about not being invited to the meeting this morning. I have exactly five minutes, but please, go on…”

Hold them accountable: “Roberta, I’m sorry to hear about that. What are you planning on doing to make your situation better?” (You’ll have to use this phrase, or a variation of it over and over, for it to take effect—it will take some time for them to realize you're not going allow them to hold you hostage.)

The Sabotager

Do you have someone who seems to take delight in undermining your work? He or she might just happen to “forget” to copy you on an important email, they might question your motives in a meeting or perhaps they praise you to your face only to gossip about you behind your back. Here’s how to protect yourself:

Talk to them immediately: The longer you wait the more you enable them. 

Give the saboteur the benefit of the doubt the first or second time: Anything more and you know their behavior isn’t just a “slip” or a “mistake.” 

Document their behavior: Make your notes as soon as you can and include the time of the behavior and any possible witnesses. 

Talk to his boss or H.R. (or both): If the behavior continues, you will be glad you have documentation.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

4 Things You Need to Know About Difficult People

Twelve years ago I travelled the country speaking on the topic of how to deal with “difficult people” in the workplace. It was one of my more popular workshops because almost everyone works with a difficult person or two. Today I'm going to share four things you need to know to empower yourself when it comes to difficult people—and tomorrow we'll look at specific types of difficult people and what to do with each one. 

It isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility

You’re not to blame that you have a co-worker that is constantly negative and pessimistic. It’s not your fault that your company tolerates a bully. However, it is your responsibility to learn how to handle yourself around such people if your company tolerates them. Here's a book that will help you: Coping WIth Difficult People, Robert M. Branson, P.hD.

Difficult people are difficult because…

Why are some people hard to get along with? Why do we have drama queens/kings? There’s more than one answer to that, but the short answer is, difficult people do what they do simply because they can. In their mind, what they’re doing is working and they're getting away with it, so why change it?

When you change, they will change

It’s true you can’t change another person—but you can help someone see how it’s in their best interest to change themselves. When you change how you relate to and communicate with your difficult person, they will have to change in some way to respond to your new attitude and behavior.

Don’t waste your opportunity

I’ve often told clients if they have to deal with a difficult situation, to not waste it. They might as well get something in return for it. When it comes to difficult people, consider them an opportunity to grow personally and professionally. Get rid of the buttons they’ve been pushing and grow your ability to communicate with anyone and everyone—even the difficult ones.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

How to Get Millennials on Your Side

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If you’re a manager, you’ve probably read cautionary articles on the high number of millennials entering the workforce, filled with content about how their supposedly rebellious personalities will change the dynamics of your workplace making it impossible to keep them in check. It’s time for a change in perspective. 

Although millennials will undoubtedly create some challenges, they also have a lot of benefits to offer. That means you shouldn’t avoid hiring them, and more importantly, must take steps to let them know you value their contributions.

Remember the Importance of Online Recruiting

Whereas people from older generations often flocked to employment fairs and sometimes signed up with employment agencies, millennials are more likely to rely on the Internet to perform at least part of their job searches. That’s why it’s crucial to make sure your website reflects a company culture that’s attractive to younger workers.

Showcase your company’s personality so you’re not just seen as a boring, faceless organization. Making your website easy to navigate and mobile-friendly are two other important considerations. 

Be Active on Social Media

A study of more than 1,800 human resources professionals found although 93 percent of recruiters rely on social media to find talent, 82 percent admitted their social media skill level to be merely proficient or worse. If you’re reluctant to stay active on social media or have uncertainties about how to navigate different networks effectively, you might want to hire someone who’s well versed in social media best practices.

If millennials feel your social media efforts are less than genuine, attempts to reach out to them may backfire. Authenticity is crucial for recruiting worthy millennials and making them want to stick around after being hired. 

Encourage Collaboration

Millennials generally don’t like being placed in cubicle environments or staying secluded from coworkers during their shifts. Arrange the workplace so it’s as open as possible. Getting rid of unnecessary walls that could create communication barriers is a start. You might also go further and create collaborative spaces in break rooms and meeting areas.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that since millennials value collaboration, they don’t appreciate private spaces. Create areas where your millennial team members can go to get completely focused when necessary.

Offer Ways to Give Back

Many people have a misconception that millennials feel and only care about themselves. However, research shows 78 percent of millennials are donating to causes that matter to them without being prompted. 

They may not love the idea of simply agreeing to have percentages taken out of their paychecks to support charitable causes, but you can offer more proactive participation methods to show you understand their mindsets. 

Perhaps your company could be a sponsor for a major charity run in your town and you could urge people to create teams and sign up to take part. The holiday season is another great opportunity to help others, especially through wrapped gift programs for the less fortunate. 

Offer Employment Perks They Actually Want

Recruiting and retaining workers from the millennial generation usually involves making it clear with your company provides advantages that are truly worthwhile. Examples include internal and external opportunities for continual education, and catered lunches that encourage people to mingle with peers while chowing down on free food. 

Showing millennials that you’re exploring what makes them tick doesn’t have to feel like a battle. The tips above can demonstrate you care about attracting them to your team and making them feel like worthwhile contributors.

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Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated to sharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips.

5 ways to get real happiness

What is happiness? In my book I define “enlightened happiness” as feeling positive energy about yourself and your life—or feeling positive energy about the progress you’re making in either area. The thing about happiness is that we can’t take it for granted and expect it to magically appear. 

Happiness is a skill that we can always develop and improve. Here are five ways to do that:

Own your happiness

This is the starting point. You have to care about your happiness enough to take it off the back burner. What do you need to create the life you really want to live? Do you have the confidence to do what you want with your life without anyone else’s validation? 

Do you say “No” to others and “Yes” to yourself without guilt, shame and fear? Are you living the life you want to live or are trying to meet someone else’s definition? Own your happiness by prioritizing it and by discovering what gives you positive energy in life.

Recognize how happy you are

When I was a psychotherapist, my clients who were clinically depressed would often tell me they were always depressed. They didn’t notice when they felt okay, a little hopeful, or when they were feeling good. I would ask them, “Tell me about a time you were not as depressed as you usually are?” If they could do that, that’s a start.

To grow your happiness, start by recognizing “positive energy.” It happens more often than you might think. If you want to feel happier more often, pay attention throughout the day. Notice when you’re feeling hopeful, excited, motivated, interested, curious, energized, focused, grateful, kind, compassionate or relaxed. We can be “happy” in many ways without realizing it. 

Adopt a “growth mindset"

According to Carol Dweck, Ph.D, people with a “fixed mindset” think their intelligence and talent are set in stone. Whatever they have is all they’re going to have. They’re tormented when they make mistakes or fail because they believe mistakes and failures mean they’re not smart or talented. They need to win to feel good about themselves. 

People with a “growth mindset” believe their brains and talent are just the starting point and with dedication and work they can learn, grow and improve. Their self-esteem isn’t assaulted when they blow it or fail. They learn what they can and are motivated to try again. 

Nurture your relationships

Human beings are wired to be social—we need to be connected to feel happy. Some people need a lot of friends and some only need a few. Whatever you need when it comes to relationships, it’s important to relate well and to connect with others at work and at home. I’m sure you do well when it comes to communicating and relating to others. The question is, “How much better can you get?”

Happiness (positive energy) is nurtured in relationships—but not just in any kind of relationship. If you’re experiencing unhappiness and ongoing frustration in a relationship, make it a priority to find out how to resolve what’s going on. If your career is going well, but your personal life isn’t because of a significant relationship, do whatever you have to (within reason) for things to improve. 

Practice extreme self-care

You know you need certain things in life to survive. But beyond physical needs, you also have psychological and emotional needs that must be met. However, life isn’t about surviving—it’s about thriving. Make thriving your aim and you won’t have to worry about surviving. 

When we don’t take care of ourselves, it’s often because we don’t value ourselves enough to do so. If we’re taking care of those around us and neglecting ourselves, what message are we giving to ourselves and others? This brings us back to owning your happiness. Own your happiness and take exquisite care of yourself and you will be on your way to developing and improving your own real happiness.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Want to Know the Secret to a Rich Life

Get inspired by this new video and DARE to live fully! 

Writer and Video Editor: Ahana Umesh

Music Credit www.purple-planet.com

 

Megan Fairchild on Striking a Healthy Balance

Being a ballerina is a full-time job, but Megan Fairchild has also performed on Broadway and even pursues cooking in her spare time. We met this fabulous woman at the SHARE event to benefit women with breast and ovarian cancer. She shared with us her love for the arts and how she maintains a healthy lifestyle.

Did you always know you wanted to be a ballerina?

I started dancing at four and a half years old, but I tried a lot of other things as well, like gymnastics and violin. Ballet stuck with me.

Being in the dance industry, is there pressure to have a certain body type? 

In ballet, you spend all day in front of a big mirror. It's not always pressure from other people, but the pressure you put on yourself. As you get older, you learn how to maintain your weight and diet to stay strong and athletic, but also light and fit so you can move quickly. It's an important balance – you can't go too far in either direction.

Was there anything specific you did to maintain a healthy balance?

My mom’s a dietician. She told me to have everything in moderation, so I never tried any crazy fad diets. Once I was told to watch my weight, but I actually weigh more now than I did back then! It's not noticeable, because I’m more toned. Through it all, my mom always made sure I stayed healthy. 

You were recently in the revival of the musical, On the Town. What was it like transitioning from ballet to acting in a Broadway musical?

It was crazy. At first rehearsals were very overwhelming. I was outside of my comfort zone and felt like I was making a fool out of myself. I had to get over my shyness and be willing to feel a little stupid, so I could become a new version of myself. 

You were at the SHARE event, A Second Helping of Life. Is this something you’re passionate about?

Unfortunately breast cancer isn’t uncommon in my family, and a friend asked me to join her at the event. My mom had breast cancer twice, my aunt had it, and my grandmother and great-grandmother died from it. I’m definitely passionate about it. 

You mentioned before that your mom is a dietician. Did this affect you growing up?

It totally did. There were never any sweets in our house, so whenever I was at a friend's house, I was excited to eat cookies. I try not to limit myself in any way – I'm not afraid to have sweets. I find it healthier than trying to completely restrict myself. 

What would you tell your younger self, knowing what you know today?

It's ok to make mistakes. If you’re afraid of making them, you may make even worse choices. I would tell myself to let life play itself out and to be a little more relaxed.

Interview conducted and written by Monica Wahid (WomenWorking.com Intern)

Make Them Understand You

One of the most challenging and frustrating things in life is working with someone who just doesn’t get you. I have a client who has been at his new job for six months and there's someone there who hasn't acknowledged him in any way—literally. When my client passes him in the hallway, he refuses to return my client's "Hello." In meetings, unless my client asks him a direct question, he doesn't respond to what my client says in the meeting—and sometimes he refuses to answer direct questions. If you're dealing with someone who doesn't get you, what can you do? Here are my three best tips:

Have realistic expectations

If everyone else around you seems to be doing just fine when it comes to “getting” you, relax. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. Not everyone is going to understand you, much less like you. It's important that you manage both your expectations and your emotions. This is a challenging situation and if you have unreasonable expectations for yourself, you'll turn a difficult situation into an unbearable one.

Don't make this into something it isn't. One person not getting you doesn’t mean you lack interpersonal skills or that their view of you is how others see you. With that in mind, always be professional in how you communicate and relate to the person who doesn’t get you. That would be a realistic expectation. It's reasonable for you to expect the best from yourself; it's not reasonable to expect that others will always click with you.

Take responsibility

Even if this isn’t about you, resist the temptation to give up on the relationship. Be proactive and experiment with anything you think might improve things. Make sure you adjust your communication style to theirs. If they’re highly extroverted and you’re definitely an introvert, get out of your comfort zone and be more extroverted around them. Resist the temptation to avoid them. 

Make an effort to show interest in their work (or their life outside of work if appropriate) and find ways to give them positive feedback. Consider having a talk with them and simply tell them you’d like to have the best working relationship with them that you can. Ask them what you can do differently. If they act like they don’t know what you’re talking about, go back to the first point above.

Be Patient

Finding ways to connect with someone who doesn’t get you can be frustrating and even disheartening. Remind yourself often, “This isn’t about me.” Be patient with yourself and the other person. Who knows why they don’t get you? If they haven’t told you what the problem is, it could be very simple. Just take time to find ways to improve your relationship with them. 

When you’re experimenting with things to improve matters, don’t just experiment one or two times. Be more consistent over a period of time and give things time to work. If all else fails, again, go back to the first point above. If you get along with everyone else and nothing seems to work with the person who doesn’t get you, make it about them, stay professional and keep it all in perspective.

— Alan Allard, Executive Coach

The Surprising Meaning Behind Your Favorite Stones

Every day for the past several years, I’ve worn Satya's jewelry. My ring has the Om sign and I usually wear one of her stone bracelets. My favorite is the rose quartz. 

We wanted to ask my good friend, and spiritual entrepreneur, the meanings behind these beautiful stones. 

Our WomenWorking.com community members can also use this code, “Livefully20,” for 20% off their purchase of their very own piece of Satya Jewelry. Here’s what Satya had to say:

Do you ever wonder why you are drawn to certain stones? This is your intuitive self leading you to what is needed for your life's challenges and triumphs. Wearing a stone you’re drawn to opens you up to the magic of healing and power that lies within these natural gems. Below are some of our favorites at Satya Jewelry.  

Turquoise symbolizes good fortune and protection. It is known to uplift, heal and cleanse the spiritual energy center and physical body.

Garnet symbolizes faith and love. Is known for its healing and energizing properties of grounding and strength.

Carnelian symbolizes strength and action, known to give courage and confidence while stimulating ambition and drive.

Smokey Quartz symbolizes grounding. It’s known to protect you from negativity and tap into your intuitive self.

Rose Quartz symbolizes unconditional love. It is known to heal the heart and bring love and joy to its wearer.

Pearl, the birthstone for June, is the symbol of purity. It is said to calm the mind and foster creativity.

Black Onyx, the symbol of self mastery. It’s known to be the stone of endurance and strength. Perfect if you need lots of energy.

Labraborite is the stone of magic, known for its mystical and magical abilities to bring amazing changes to your life.

Amethyst, the birthstone for February, symbolizes protection. It is often worn by healers and is known to focus energy and heal the heart.

Jade symbolizes spiritual wealth. Helps bring healing, prosperity and serenity into life.

I hope this was of interest or maybe even fascination. The power of nature and all that it can bring...

Celebrating the Highly Sensitive Person

Being a highly sensitive person has its challenges, but I don’t need to tell you that. You’ve been told more times than you may want to remember, “You’re just too sensitive” or “Not everything is worth getting upset about.” And when you think it couldn’t get any worse, some well-meaning but overly-frustrated friend says this pearl of wisdom: “Just let it go already!”

About 15-20% of the population has traits that describe a highly sensitive person. You might not have heard that term before, but if you've felt different, hate conflict and unfairness or have been described as “shy” or “sensitive” all your life, it’s not likely you were made to feel proud about these traits.

It’s time we recognize the gifts and strengths that come from being highly sensitive.

Here are four of them:

You have a rich inner life: Not all highly sensitive people are introverts but highly sensitive people tend to be more introspective. In fact, what many mistake for shyness might easily be you giving deeper thought to an issue than most do.

You naturally empathize with others: When someone needs a listening ear and the heart to go with it, you’re the one they come to. You interrupt less and you empathize more than most--that sets you apart. This world would be more peaceful, collaborative and sensitive to those in need if we had more leaders who had this ability.

You have a deep capacity for creativity: Artists, musicians and writers are known for being highly sensitive. Pearl S. Buck the American novelist and recipient of the Pulitzer Prize and the Nobel Prize, linked creativity and being highly sensitive: “The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.” Being highly sensitive might seem like a curse at times but our world would be impoverished without the creativity that comes from deep levels of sensitivity.

You can be uber productive: Highly sensitive people need more personal space and time away from others without distractions to focus and become aware of details. You think things through enough to see the warning signs others miss because they’re too easily distracted.  

To learn more about the gifts that come from being highly sensitive, check out the book,The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine Aron, Ph.D. 

 Alan Allard, Executive Coach