Helene Lerner's Blog, page 70

Love is...

Who do you love? Let them know today!

Video Editor: Christian Motos

3 Tips to Boost Your Self-Confidence and Happiness

When it comes to happiness I believe we need to make it a top priority. However, we also need to turn our attention to the things that lead to happiness. In a way, happiness is a byproduct of other things. One of those things is self-confidence.

Self-confidence is necessary for happiness in any area of life. For instance, to be happy in relationships, you have to feel good about your ability to relate to others, resolve conflicts, or believe you are the kind of person others like and want to be around.

If you want to be more confident, here are three keys to know and do:

Don’t compare yourself to others
Most of us, if not all, have been conditioned on some level to be competitive. That usually means comparing yourself to others to see how you measure up. I advise my clients to only compare themselves to someone else if doing so inspires them. If it inspires you to see someone “ahead” of you who motivates you to keep learning and growing, that’s useful.

However, if comparing yourself to someone else demotivates you, start a new habit: Only compare yourself to yourself. Notice the progress you’re making and don’t concern yourself with how others are doing. Use yourself as reference point for change and growth and your self-confidence will grow.

End every day with a list of your accomplishments
Because we’re living life at such a fast pace, it’s easy to end the day and begin the next without acknowledging our achievements. Every day you go to work and perform, but do you purposefully give yourself credit for all you’ve done? You have to take ownership of your life and your self-confidence. That means you can’t depend upon others to tell you what you’ve done well or what you’ve achieved for the day.

Yes, I know your boss, your co-workers and your family should be giving you positive feedback. I’m sure they do to some extent, but maybe not nearly as much as you need to grow your self-confidence. Be someone who recognizes what you do and what you achieve—and do it every day. You’ll find yourself becoming more self-confident.

Pay attention to your self-talk
We talk to ourselves continually; when we are thinking, we are talking to ourselves. The question is, “How much of your self-talk is subtle (or even overt) self- criticism?” Self-criticism destroys your self-confidence. Drop the “should’s,” “ought to’s” and “must’s” in your self-talk, because they are forms of subtle self-criticism. Most people try to motivate themselves with all their “should’s” in life, but it has the opposite affect and it lowers your self-confidence.

Learn to talk to yourself in a constructive and nurturing way. Our self-talk creates our emotions and moods, which leads to our actions and behaviors, which leads to our results. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend, someone you believe in and admire. If you find yourself doubting yourself and your capabilities, imagine a best friend dealing with your situation. What would you say to them? Say that to yourself and watch your self-confidence grow.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

3 Signs You're Being Taken Advantage of at Work

You might like your job or even love it, but if you’re being taken advantage of in any way, sooner or later your happiness will turn into resentment. Here are three signs you’re being taken advantage of at work and what to do about it.

Co-workers push their work on you 
A request from your co-workers to help out every now and then is normal and acceptable. However, if someone has a pattern of coming to you with their latest “emergency” or tries to manipulate you with, “You’re such a great writer, would you mind editing my report again?” it’s time to recognize you’re being taken advantage of. 

Solution 
Be proactive and deal with this before they come to you again. Explain that in the future you won’t be able to help them out because it’s cutting into the time you need to do your own work. That conversation might not be easy but it will be easier than dealing with them in the moment of their crisis or when they try to sway you with their praise of how great you are.

You work too much overtime without getting anything back 
Everyone has to work overtime now and then. If you’re an hourly employee, check and see if your company is legally required to pay you for each hour of overtime. If they are and you don’t get paid, you are definitely being taken advantage of. If you’re a salaried employee and you’ve been working regular overtime, you should expect to be rewarded in some way. It might be in gaining new levels of responsibility that would make you more marketable, flex time, a raise or even a promotion. But if it seems you’re not going to be rewarded in any way (in due time), recognize there's a problem.

Solution 
Have a candid conversation with your boss and make sure he or she is aware of how much overtime you’ve been putting in. Count the hours you’ve worked from home at night or the weekends. Be prepared to suggest ways you’d like to be “compensated” and see if your boss will make it happen for you. If not, it’s time to find a place where you will be appreciated.

Your boss or co-workers steal your ideas 
A teacher recently told me one of her fellow teachers used the lesson plan and activities she'd shared in a meeting. The principal had observed that teacher's class and was very impressed. Instead of telling the principal it was a fellow teacher's work she borrowed, she remained silent. 

Solution 
Talk with the person and let them know you're aware of what they did. Tell them they need to make it right. With the teacher above, when the principal happened to be bragging about the teacher he had observed, the first teacher spoke up and said, “I’m glad you like it. That was my lesson plan and I gladly shared with everyone two weeks ago. Thank you for the compliment." 

Healthy Eating Recipes from the Oz Family

Ever wonder what Dr. Oz’s family eats at home? If you think it’s a steady diet of kale, Brussels sprouts, and ancient grains, then you’re in for a surprise. Lisa Oz, his wife, has a new book out, The Oz Family Kitchen, which debunks this myth while giving you some tremendous, tasty and healthy recipes. 

The Oz family is eclectic. Their dinner table accommodates meat-eaters, vegetarians, pescatarians, gluten free and dairy free diets. Find something just for you in this great book. 

Helene Lerner: How do you prepare a meal when you have so many different eating habits at your table?

Lisa: Most people start with a protein main course and have vegetable sides. Our main course is usually either veggies or pasta, and then we build on top of that and have sides of grilled shrimp, chicken, tofu or beans.  

Helene: Lisa, when did you become a vegetarian?

Lisa: When I was 15 years old. My mother decided to become a vegetarian and decided that the whole family would too. She said if we wanted to eat meat, then we could outside the house. 

Helene: What are some of your favorite dishes from the book?

Lisa: My favorite dish is the “Penne with Quick Tomato and Basil Sauce,” it only takes 10 minutes to make. My husband's favorite is the “Almost German Chocolate Cake” with nuts and coconut. We make it once every year for his birthday. Our first daughter, Daphne, loves the “Glazed Acorn Squash with Savory Seeds” dish.

Helene: When you're not feeling your best self, what would you suggest eating to get yourself back on track?

Lisa: I recommend the “Green Juice,” which is full of juiced vegetables and apples. It’s very energizing, without the false energy of a caffeine kick. 

Helene: What’s your opinion of snacking? Is it healthy?

Lisa: People think snacks are throwaway foods, but they’re a good way to nourish your body throughout the day. They also keep your blood sugar at an even level. Try snacks high in fiber to keep you full longer, like kale and nuts.

Helene: How did you create all these recipes?

Lisa: When traveling abroad, I like to taste different dishes and try to recreate the flavors. My biggest passion is my spice collection. You open up a whole world when you experiment with so many different flavors. 

Helene: Do you believe you are what you eat? 

Lisa: I believe it’s more than just calories, but I do think when food is fresher, unprocessed, and whole, it energizes our body in better ways. I personally feel that what I eat affects the way I feel. 

Helene: How can people start eating healthier?

Lisa: Instead of thinking change has to be huge, pick one small thing and stick to it. Then you gain a sense of accomplishment and can take another small step. For example, if you want to eat less meat, don't commit to being a vegetarian tomorrow. Instead, pick one meal a day to forgo animal products. It's not a huge change and it's easy. 

Try this great recipe!

Almost German Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

Dark Chocolate Cake
1 cup boiling water
3/4 cup natural or Dutch-processed unsweetened cocoa powder
2/3 cup plain Greek yogurt
2/3 cup whole milk
1/2 teaspoon cider vinegar
10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 cups organic sugar
3 large eggs, at room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 ½ teaspoons baking soda
1/5 teaspoon fine sea salt

Coconut-Pecan Icing
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into tablespoons
Two 14-ounce cans non-GMO condensed milk
6 large egg yolks
2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut
2 cups coarsely chopped pecans or walnuts (8 ounces)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon fine sea salt

To make the cake: Whisk the boiling water and cocoa together in a medium bowl to dissolve the cocoa. Refrigerate, whisking often, until the mixture has cooled completely.

Whisk the yogurt, milk, and vinegar together in a glass measuring cup, and set aside at room temperature while the cocoa mixture is cooling. 

Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Lightly butter two 9-inch pans and line the bottoms with wax or parchment paper. Dust the sides of the pans with flour and tap out the excess flour. 

Beat the butter in a medium bowl with a hand-held electric mixer on high speed until creamy, about 1 minute. Gradually beat in the sugar and continue mixing until the mixture is light in color and texture, about 2 minutes. One at a time, beat in the eggs, followed by the vanilla and the cooled cocoa mixture. 

Whisk the flour, baking soda, and salt together in another medium bowl. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture to the butter mixture in thirds, alternating with two additions of the yogurt mixture, mixing just until combined after each addition. Scrape the batter into the cake pans and smooth the top. 

Bake until a wooden toothpick inserted into the center of the cakes comes out clean, about 35 minutes. Let the cakes cool in the pans on a wire cooling rack for 10 minutes. Run a knife around the inside edge of each pan. Invert the pans onto the rack to unmold the cakes. Flip the cakes, right side up, and let cool completely. 

To make the icing: Melt the butter in a medium, heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium heat. Stir in the condensed milk and cook, stirring often, until the mixture is simmering. Whisk the egg yolks together in a medium bowl. Gradually beat in about a cup of the hot condensed milk mixture, and pour this back into the saucepan. Cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture returns to a simmer and thickens. Transfer the mixture to a large bowl. Stir in the coconut, pecans, vanilla, and salt. Let the icing cool for a few minutes until it is thick enough to spread. 

Place a cake layer, flat side facing up, on a serving plate. Spread it with about 3/4 cup of the icing. Top with a second cake layer, face side down. Spread the top, and then the sides, with the remaining icing. Let the icing cool completely. (The cake can be stored at room temperature for up to 1 day.) Slice and serve. 

Recipe reprinted from THE OZ FAMILY KITCHEN Copyright © 2015 by Lisa Oz. Published by Harmony Books, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.

Show Your Boss You're Management Material

What do you do when you want to become a manager, but you’ve been told, “You’re not management material”? If you still believe you’d make a great manager, what’s your plan of action? Do the same things you'd do after hearing other disappointing news at work. Here's your action plan: 

Prove it
Being a manager requires emotional intelligence and this is your opportunity to prove you have it. Instead of focusing on your boss's rejection, see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. It’s time to show your boss you can handle difficult feedback and communicate effectively with those who disagree with you. 

Step back
Instead of reacting to the feedback you’ve gotten, tell your boss you appreciate his or her candor. It's always better to get honest feedback than to be kept in the dark about what your boss really thinks. Tell her you’d like to continue the conversation after you’ve had time to think about it. Now step back and take the time to process how you feel and to frame your thoughts about what your boss has said. 

Clarify
When you talk with your boss again, ask her to share what she thinks you can improve upon. Make sure you get specifics so you know what to do about them. This isn’t the time to argue, it’s time to listen and understand. Ask questions, listen fully and take notes.

Communicate 
After you’ve had time to think through what your boss said, come up with a plan of how you will grow into the manager your company needs. Share your plan with your boss and ask for feedback. The two of you will either be on the same page or not. If you are, start implementing your plan, complete with agreed upon times to review your progress. However, if your boss still thinks you’re not management material, it’s time to consider finding another boss within your company or another company that believes in you.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

African American Women in Cinema is Making a Difference

Terra Renee didn’t always know she was going to be involved in entertainment, but one day a director was looking for a tall, African American woman to cast. She decided to try out. When she arrived at the audition there were hundreds of women vying for just one small role—she had an epiphany. Terra realized there needed to be more jobs for women of color and applied for a grant to make that happen. After she got it, she hosted the first African American Women in Cinema (AAWIC) event. 

This year’s gathering is October 9th, learn more information here. We were able to catch up with Terra and ask her a few questions about the event, the film industry and more. 

Any favorite stories from AAWIC’s impact?

One year through networking an aspiring young actress was able to meet Regina King, a seasoned professional. They hit it off and exchanged numbers. This connection helped her get a role in a film that starred both King and Jada Pinkett-Smith. There's power in getting people together. 

What originally interested you in film? What was your spark?

In college when my GPA was slipping, I decided to take a gamble by handing in a script as a writing assignment. It was a risk, but I received an A. It made sense when I graduated to pursue entertainment.

Women, and women of color in particular, are underrepresented in the film industry. What’s your advice to those who want to work in media?

It’s a great time to be in the industry, because there’s been a big shift thanks to technology. People are more accessible and there are a lot of young producers in Hollywood making the right decisions. But fame doesn’t happen overnight. You have to be patient and stick with it. You're never too old to fulfill your destiny.

You work really hard to make a difference in the lives of others—I imagine you’re very busy. How do you juggle your professional and personal life?

My career has been my passion, so it felt like I wasn’t working at all, because I love what I do. Now that I’m older, I'm learning to take the time to drink coffee and smell the roses.  

What advice would you give your younger self, knowing what you know now? 

Don't be afraid. It’s ok to follow your first instinct.

Believe!

Watch our NEW video about believing in yourself and motivating yourself.

Believe. Achieve! DARE TO LIVE FULLY.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more great videos!

Video Editor: Ahana Umesh

Say Hello to Our October Coach

Hello! I'm Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of October. This month will be all about you, but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.

I am a former psychotherapist, and for the past nine years I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer and life coach. I help companies, teams, and individuals thrive by challenging the status quo and creating unprecedented success and fulfillment. I am the author of Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness: Your Guide to the Life You Were Meant to Live, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible sons-in-law) and I'm a grandfather too.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Are You Too Critical to Be a Leader?

Is your self-criticism helping you to be a leader, or harming you? 

First, find out if you are a criticizer. Then know that the answer can be… BOTH! The trick is to know which is which. Self-criticism and perfectionism are harmful when they set you up to multi-task, over-focus on the details, and speak in a critical tone to yourself or others. Self-criticism can be helpful when it gives you the drive to get things done, make products even better, and be someone who is trustworthy.

Here are 3 things you want to consider to find out if self-criticism and perfectionism is helping or hurting you. 

Know the purpose

When you ask yourself if your work is perfect, you are really asking yourself, “Is this perfect enough so others will be impressed with me?” You seek their praise so you can feel confident in your abilities. Instead, focus on the criteria that will make the project successful. Keep working on it until it achieves the intended purpose. Anything else you do past this is you trying to control others’ perceptions of you. Get your rewards from putting out work that is valuable and helps other people, not from others complimenting you. 

Know the phase

Instead of pressuring yourself to make a project perfect, ask “What phase are we in, and how will my perfectionism affect the timeline and quality of the work?” If your team is still brainstorming, your focus on small details may be seen as a downer to other people. If you’re in the final execution stage, your perfectionism may be blocking it. Your perfectionism is more helpful during the planning and implementation phases.

Know the purpose 

It helps to know the purpose of your perfectionism. Are you doing it to get other people to compliment you? If so, your self-criticism is intended to manage other people’s perceptions. But you’ll never be perfect enough to control what other people do and say. Your criticism is supposed to help you work smarter, but usually just makes you work harder. 

In contrast, do you have a talent that enables you to do certain things more beautifully or effectively than others? If so, this might be the ‘right’ time to allow your energy to flow toward perfection. 

So next time you are tempted to criticize yourself or pressure yourself to be perfect, ask yourself: Is this helping me, or hurting me from being a leader?!

-Sharon Melnick, PhD, September 2015 Career Coach

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Co-Workers

Passive-aggression at the workplace is the virus no one can see but silently kills team morale. Angry feelings are inevitable when we spend a great part of our days with the same people, and there is often no time to cool off. The fear of being judged or losing a promotion/raise because of “not getting along” is very real. Without a safe space for direct communication, passive-aggressive behavior thrives, sapping away at employee engagement and our energy levels. 

The key to battling this hidden hostility is a direct yet friendly approach. Try these out: 

Ask yourself “so what?” 

Tit for tat is never healthy. For example, it may hurt if Jane didn’t come to your birthday celebration in the conference room, but ask yourself, “So what?” If there’s no meaningful impact on your life, you may want to just let it go. If you instead exclude her at the next team meeting, you’re now part of the problem. 

Direct approach: If you really care, talk to Jane and problem-solve the issue. Otherwise accept that not everyone at work is a friend and take the high road. Without retaliation Jane will likely lose steam. Focus on being professional. 

Nip it in the bud 

Mike, a member of your team, disagrees with a recent project direction. You realize this is the case because he’s missed two meetings and on attending the third, spent most of his attention on his smart phone. In this case, the “so what?” has a real consequence. As his manager you can try sarcastic comments, start to sideline him, and give him a poor review in two months, but it’s better to nip it in the bud. 

Direct approach: Invite Mike to a 1:1 and allow him to voice his opinions. Clarify the value of his role on the project. Once you address his recent behavior, you can set clear expectations, explain the repercussions and hold him accountable going forward. 

Lighten with laughter 

My favorite form of passive-aggression is the backhanded compliment. Imagine, you took more time than usual to complete a project but it turned out well. Nina stops by your desk. “Great job,” she says, “I guess it helps when you can take all week.” If you appear offended, she was just joking, of course. You will find your passive-aggressive associates are very good at feigning shock when you are upset! However humor is the two-way street you can also use to get your point across. 

Direct approach: Respond with gentle humor while pointing out you understand she attempted to be insulting. Make it clear you’re not going to take it (or her) seriously or be offensive in return! Laughter can shine light and diffusing barely-hidden hostility surprisingly effectively. 

Encourage honesty 

You may need to grow a thicker skin, especially if it’s your manager who is passive-aggressive. You’re now at the wrong end of both power dynamics! For instance, you have requested to work on a project, but can’t seem to get a commitment from your boss. There is a lot of avoidance and apparent confusion. You could just back down and secretly fantasize about getting your way. Or? 

Direct approach: Request feedback. Confront your boss, “I know you’re aware I am interested, but you don’t seem enthusiastic. Can we discuss your concerns?” Followed by the magic words, “I won’t take it personally.” Encouraging honesty can open up the flow of communication and growth for your career. Note – be prepared for the truth! 

Direct and friendly is a great way to approach situations. If you have your own way of handling passive-aggressive behavior in the work place, share it below.

Leena Roy, CFA/CPC is a Professional Coach for Managers. A program designed to elevate and empower Mid-level Managers & Professionals to achieve their highest potential. Read more on www.leenaroy.net