Helene Lerner's Blog, page 73

Three Easy Ways to Make New Change

When it comes to change, we’re told that change is hard and that we tend to fight it. At the same time we want the best life we can have—and that means some things need to change. The good news is creating positive change can be easier than we think:

Give yourself a choice

If we know anything about change and human behavior, we know that we want to have choices. No one likes feeling forced. A client recently said he was told he had to take on a project he didn’t want to. However, that wasn’t true. His boss told him he needed to take on the project if he wanted to advance in the company. Telling yourself you have no choice in a matter makes any kind of change distasteful and difficult. Owning that you have a choice doesn’t make all change wonderful but it does make it easier.

Find your motivation

When faced with change you say you don’t want, you're aware of all the reasons why you don’t want it. But have you done the work to discover why the change might benefit you in some way? If you say there are no positives, then say “no.” However, before you do that, make sure you haven’t shortchanged yourself by not seeing the upsides to saying, "YES."

Take the first steps into change

Often the worst thing about change is how hard we've made it out to be in our minds—before we even give it a fair shot. When we're fighting change, we expect it to be hard. We won't know until we take the first few steps and gather more evidence. Approach any changes you are considering with a positive attitude and then begin the process. You might end up saying, "This isn't so hard.”

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

The Secret to Having Tough Conversations With Your Partner

If you have something important to share with your partner, you don’t want to try to unload your thoughts when he is busy, stressed out, or otherwise distracted. How will you know when the timing is right? Use these tips to have a successful yet difficult conversation with your partner.

Ask. Try, “Is now a good time for a short conversation? There’s something I’m having a hard time with that I need to share with you.” These simple words are one way to open the subject. If “now” isn’t a good time, ask him to let you know when he’s available. 

Start from the heart. Before you get to the heart of the matter, remember to frame your thoughts first with expressions of love and appreciation. Be willing to be vulnerable and talk with the “I” pronoun warmly, without being accusatory. Try to keep the conversation short, no more than thirty minutes (ten minutes is ideal for most men). If you do need more time, take a break and then come back. 

Pick your place. By having important conversations while taking a walk or a long drive, instead of having a serious sit-down, knee-to-knee encounter, you are not creating the stressful environment of “we are now working on the relationship.” Wherever and whenever you decide to have your heart-to-heart talk, remember you are a team seeking to solve an issue as a win/win for the relationship. Commit to doing with it with love, respect and kindness. 

Listen up. Help your partner feel understood by learning a simple and easy five-step technique known as the Imago Dialogue. 

Step one: Listen without interrupting. 
Step two: Act as a mirror. When your partner stops talking, repeat back to him what you heard as accurately as possible. Ask, “Did I get that?” and “Is there more?” 
Step three: Summarize, especially if he added “more.” Then ask again, “Did I get it all?” 
Step four: Validate. “What you said makes sense to me.” This statement doesn’t mean you agree with him; it simply lets him know you understand. 
Step five: Empathize. Let him know that you can imagine how he might be feeling, such as hurt, scared, angry, disappointed, and so on.

By listening in this careful, structured way, your partner will feel seen, heard and understood.

Adapted from Arielle’s new book Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate, Harper One. Be on the lookout, the book is being released this December. To get more of her great advice, visit www.soulmatesecret.com. 

Photo Credit: Carl Studna 

5 Ways to Change Your Life Fast

When you were growing up, you likely weren't told to pay attention to what you think and how you think. However, we can’t do anything without having a thought, a belief, a perspective or an assumption that’s driving what we do or don’t do. 

If you pay attention to your thinking and your self-talk you can change your life, your behavior and your results faster than you might imagine. Here are five “thinking traps” you need to be aware of so you can avoid them or get out of them as soon as possible. In effect, you will change your life for the better and that change can happen in just a few minutes.

Premature Closure

Premature closure is reaching a conclusion prematurely and then closing your mind to anything that conflicts with your conclusion. If you tell yourself, “I can’t do this,” you’ll quit looking for ways to succeed at it. The problem isn't that you can't achieve something; the problem is you're deciding you can't without having all the information you need to see possibilities.

Solution:

Test your assumptions and conclusions. Whether it’s your belief of “I can’t” or your conclusion that someone at work is impossible to get along with, ask yourself if someone else is succeeding where you are failing. If they can succeed, why can’t you? 

Mind Reading

Mind-reading is believing you know what someone thinks or feels—even though they haven’t told you what they’re thinking or feeling. Mind-reading happens when we project our thoughts and feelings onto someone else and believe they are theirs. 

Solution:

Ask, don’t assume. Is your boss or friend angry with you? Maybe. But you won’t know for sure until you ask them. You might feel your team doesn’t recognize your talent. How do you know? Test your assumption by taking a risk and asking your team what they think of you.

Labeling

Children often grow up with labels. A parent might say, “Janet is shy” and Janet grows up thinking that’s just the way she is. Labels become a part of your self-identity. However, your label isn't who you are, it's just a label. There is a big difference between saying “I’m undisciplined” and saying “I often don’t follow through.” The first one labels you as an Undisciplined Person and the second one simply describes a behavior.

Solution:

If you’re going to label yourself, give yourself an inspiring label. Give yourself a label that motivates you and then grow into it. Label yourself as “Fearless” and then take small steps out of your comfort zone a few times a week and soon you will be that confident and bold person.

"Should" Thinking

You engage in "should" thinking when you think in terms of “should,” “ought,” “should have” and “have to.” As in, “I have to lose weight." That thought weighs you down and make life more difficult. The late Dr. Albert Ellis called this “shoulding” all over yourself. It’s not a pretty metaphor but it gets the point across. 

Solution:

Start catching the imperatives in your thinking—words that imply you don’t have a choice. Tell yourself you do have a choice and change your thinking and self-talk to, “I choose to do this—no one is forcing me to do anything.”

“Awfulizing”

That’s Dr. Ellis's psychological term for heavy duty worrying. It’s also called Catastrophic Thinking and it’s often paired with Fortune Teller Thinking. That happens when you predict something in the future will be terrible in some way. You “awfulize” something when you “make a mountain out of a molehill.” Awfulizing and Fortune Teller Thinking are responsible for procrastination. We put things off because we predict the task will be more difficult or unpleasant than it would actually be. 

Solution:

Practice putting things into perspective. If you’re having a hard time doing that, talk to someone and get their perspective on it.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Easy Tips to Help You Sleep through the Night

Dr. Mike Corradino is a doctor of acupuncture and oriental medicine. He is also the clinical director and co-founder at Palomar Health Center for Integrative Medicine and Wellness. After completing his Doctorate degree and opening a new clinic, Dr. Mike is no stranger to stress. If stress keeps you up at night, or if you just have a hard time falling asleep in general, his tips might just do the trick.*

Here are some simple steps to help you fall asleep.

Block out the light

Our eyes and nervous systems adapt to the natural rhythm of light and darkness. But with recent advances, (air conditioning, artificial lighting, etc) using a light at night can stimulate the optic nerve, which stimulates the penal gland, which stops the release of melatonin. It believes it's daytime. Sleeping in complete darkness tells the brain that it's nighttime. Be mindful of little lights, such as bright alarm clocks and bathroom lights, as this can affect the melatonin released in the brain.

Out of sight, out of mind

Keep any electronics at least 3 feet from where you are sleeping. This can be an alarm clock, smart phone, or other electrical device that sits on your nightstand. 

Avoid alarming alarms

One thing people sometimes forget to think about it how they wake up. Disturbing alarm sounds can actually develop anxiety—the heart will start palpitating before the alarm even goes off. Use alarm sounds that gradually increase from a low volume to a louder one. I use my Fit Bit, which vibrates to give me a gentle wake up.

Reserve the bed for sleep and intimacy

You don't want your brain to think that bed time also means writing emails or watching television. You want your brain to train itself to go to sleep. If you're not sleeping within 20 minutes, get out of bed, walk to a different room, and then do whatever you need to do to get yourself tired.

Be mindful of caffeine

Caffeine has approximately a 6 hour half-life. So if you're getting out of work, let's say at 6:00, and you have a caffeinated drink with dinner, half of the caffeine will be circulating through your system at midnight. Those under high stress may be more sensitive to caffeine, so if this is you, try to cut back after 3:00pm. 

Establish a bed routine

I suggest going to the bathroom before bed, laying out your attire for the next day, and planning out the tasks you'd like to accomplish. If you have everything sorted before bed, your mind will be able to focus on sleep at night, not the things you have to do tomorrow.

Body, breath, mind

Regulate your body, breath, and mind. First, regulate your body by finding a comfortable position. Next, trick your brain by breathing as your body does while sleeping. If you inhale short and exhale longer, you’re likely to drift into a relaxed state of mind.

Simplicity is key

I use lavender aroma therapy myself. I put a little on my wrist and below my nostrils. Chamomile or sleepy-time tea may also be very calming. 

Some of these tips may work for some, but not for others. Feel it out and see what works for you. I used these tips when I was having difficulty sleeping and found that they made a big difference in my sleep patterns. 

*Consult a physician for medical advice, chronic conditions, and any changes in your behavior that are concerning.

Four Easy Ways to Boost Your Happiness

If you would like to increase your happiness, it’s easier than you might think. Here are four things you can do every day:

Pay attention to when you feel happy

You likely feel happy, satisfied and at peace more than you realize. Pay closer attention to the times you feel confident, appreciative or when you’re enjoying what you’re doing. If you want more happiness, notice how much you have already. Why not keep a journal for a month and document your times of happiness, fulfillment and sense of progress?

Be solution oriented

Train your brain and subconscious mind to use complaints, frustrations and setback moments as triggers to shift into solution mode thinking. Tell yourself, “This is my opportunity to practice finding solutions instead of focusing on what’s wrong.” We see what we look for and focus on—look for solutions and you will find them everywhere. This isn’t about ignoring or denying problems in life—it’s about acknowledging them and finding ways to work around them or to turn them into opportunities to learn, grow and transform.

Begin each day by finding 1-3 things that make you feel good

Increasing our happiness is easier than most people think. Every morning, take 30-60 seconds to review the day before and identify 1-3 things that make you feel grateful, happy, excited, peaceful or motivated for the day. Remembering the good cup of coffee or tea you had the day before or the compliment you received at work is easy to do but has powerful results. 

Read or listen to something that gives you positive energy

We can’t control what’s on the news or the internet and we can’t stop people from complaining. We can do our best to limit our exposure to these things but we need to do more than that. Read a book, watch a webinar, listen to an audio, watch a video—do something every day to nurture your happiness by giving your mind and spirit what they need for happiness, fulfillment and purpose. When you find a book or other resource that helps you, read or listen to it multiple times because the first exposure will help you, but the second or fifth time around will help you even more. 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

How to Strategically Quit Your Job

In a blog post a few months back, I wrote about Five Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Job. That post seemed to have hit a nerve and that’s no surprise. More and more employees are thinking about quitting their current jobs. What about you? If you’re thinking about it, here are two things you need to know:

You have a choice

Many employees feel trapped in their jobs—but they’re not. Telling yourself you can’t quit your job only makes your situation worse. The longer you stay in a job you don’t want to be in, the harder it becomes for you to take action. Staying in a job that’s the wrong fit for you will wear you down mentally, emotionally and physically. 

The first step in quitting a job is to quit telling yourself you can’t make a change. Just because something isn’t easy doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You are better off telling yourself, “I could find another opportunity if I dealt with my hesitation and fear. But for now, I choose to stay where I am.” However, what’s better is to tell yourself, “I can figure this out—and I will.”

You need a plan

You’ll never quit your job if you don’t come up with a plan to make it happen. If you don’t know how to do a job search, work with recruiters, or know how to interview well, the first step of your plan is to learn these skills. There’s no shame in not knowing how to land your next job. Just don’t let that stop you. Learn what you need to learn from a book, a webinar, a workshop or a great coach.

You might not be able to quit your job now or anytime soon. If it takes you a year to find new work, that’s okay. What’s not okay is wanting to leave your job without developing a plan that will enable you to do so. If you don’t, you’ll be in the same job a year later and you’ll still be telling yourself you can’t quit. You can, but you need a plan.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Summer Fun To Kick Start Passion with Your Partner

A few years ago I was watching a reality/dating TV show where a couple on a second date decided to bungee jump from a bridge, something neither of them had ever done before. 

Not only were they going to leap off the bridge, they were going to do it at the same time. First they sat on the edge of the bridge, side by side, admitting how scared they were. Then, as it was nearing time for the jump, they tried to crack a few jokes... but you could tell they were petrified.

Finally they jumped and survived. In the next scene they were having a glass of wine, gazing into each other’s eyes and clearly falling in love.

What happened? 

Well according to some experts, it turns out that the physiological experience of experiencing fear and anxiety can lead to sexual attraction and bonding! Whether you’ve been married for decades or are in a new relationship, you can quickly ignite passion by doing something together that includes enough risk to get the juices flowing. Activities such as:

Skydiving
Whitewater rafting
Riding a rollercoaster
Parasailing 
Bungee jumping
Riding a zip line over the treetops
Taking a “ropes course”
Watching a really, scary movie.

 The goal is to do something together that feels just a little life-threatening to get the adrenaline and other brain chemistry going.

A word of caution for those who are just beginning to date someone new: Be sure this is someone you really want to bond with, otherwise you may end up with what some shrinks call “misattribution.” 

I still think that the very best way to get to know someone (and to get a good idea if they are the one for you) is to take a short trip with them. Travel can bring out the best and the worst in someone. You will soon figure out whether or not you are compatible and can skillfully communicate with each other when you are both in a strange land out of your comfort zones.

—Arielle Ford, www.soulmatesecret.com 

Want more of Arielle's great advice? Read her article, How To Find Your Soul Mate!

Photocredit: Carl Studna 

How to Bounce Back From Mistakes

A few years back I had a phone appointment to be interviewed by Matt, a reporter for the New York Times. We scheduled the appointment for the lunch hour because I was going to be presenting a seminar that day, and it was the only time I had to talk. That wasn’t ideal, but I knew everything would go just fine. However, when the day and time for the interview came, I was out to lunch—literally and figuratively.

I didn’t remember the appointment until 12:30, thirty minutes late. I grabbed my cell phone and called Matt to apologize. I thought calling so late would mean the interview wouldn’t take place. However, Matt was very gracious and asked if I could still do the interview.

Matt gave me the opportunity to learn that success, happiness and fulfillment in life comes, not from being perfect, but from our response to our mistakes or failures. Sometimes we drop what we’re carrying and it breaks up into tiny pieces. At that point success is about being gracious, not only to others, but to ourselves. The next time you blow it in some way, remember these four things:

Own up to your mistake
Make amends as quickly as possible
Learn from it and move on 
Forgive yourself even if the other person doesn’t

One more thing: If you’re not so good with the four points above, don’t worry—you’ll get plenty of practice in the future.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

The Easy Secret to Being Happy

A couple of months ago I was interviewed on a podcast on the subject of happiness and success. Towards the end of the interview, Sean asked me for my best tip on how to be happier and more successful. I replied, “Stop criticizing yourself—instead learn how to think in a way that gives you the positive energy you need to be and do what you’re really capable of."

I explained to Sean that most people criticize themselves in subtle ways without knowing it. For instance, when you think in terms of “should,” “ought to” and “could have” you are almost always criticizing yourself. We mean well when we think this way but we can’t criticize our way into more happiness and success. 

Ask yourself if you’re being an empowering coach to yourself or a disempowering critic. Be a coach to yourself and give yourself the support and feedback you deserve and need. (This isn’t just about giving yourself positive feedback. It’s also about telling yourself what you need to hear but doing it in a constructive way that opens up the way to positive change.)

If you give yourself more positive feedback and recognition, you will be more motivated to bring more success into your life. Decide today to give yourself more positive feedback, validation and support, instead of waiting on others to do so. Waiting on others to give you what you need makes you a passive observer in life instead of the leader you are.

In my coaching workshops, managers tell me they don’t get enough feedback on what they’re doing well. Their boss is quick to tell them about problems they need to fix. They don’t seem to have the time to regularly tell them things like, “I noticed you took the time to listen to your employee, draw out her concerns and help her to find solutions. I think you have a real talent for bringing out the best in others.”

Employees and managers want to hear more positive feedback. But why wait? I tell them, “It would be great if your boss gave you more positive feedback but you don’t control that. What you do have control over is what you do or don’t do for yourself.” What about you? How can you develop the habit of recognizing and giving yourself credit for who you are and what you do?

You might be thinking, “I don’t need to give myself more support and positive feedback. I need to challenge myself more, expect more from myself and do better.” I hear that all the time from clients who are motivated and have high expectations of themselves. 

However, if you want to challenge yourself and get good results you have to have a solid relationship with yourself. Think about having a boss that challenged you often, but didn’t give you the credit you deserve. He or she might have good intentions, but good intentions can easily backfire.

Instead of “motivating” you, your manager unintentionally demotivates you. It’s the same way with how you relate to and communicate with yourself. Do you do the very thing you wouldn’t want your boss to do? Pay attention to what you’re doing right and recognize yourself for it. That will give you the emotional fuel you need to keep it up, and it also gives you the right to challenge yourself to keep learning and growing. 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Every Penny Counts! 5 Tips for Money Mindfulness

Want more money? Whether the answer is a “Heck YES” or a “Sure, why not?” I think we can all agree that money matters. Regardless of where we are in life, feelings of security and abundance tend to be closely tied to our financial situation. And yet, how often do we treat money as a stranger, or worse—something we hate? Most of us avoid actually thinking about money. We throw it away or simply lock it up and ignore it. If money were a child, we would certainly end up on the Social Services watch list! Then we wonder why money doesn’t seem to be on our side. So how would money treat US differently, if we treated our money relationship with more mindfulness? 

It’s a marriage, not a date
Start thinking about money as the REAL DEAL. It’s not here today, gone tomorrow. So when you have things you need or want, think it over carefully; because when you consider the long-term, every penny starts to count! Like in any good relationship, security starts with your state of mind.

Prioritize it
Just like any important relationship, your money needs to be nurtured. Give your money daily attention, even if it’s a quick check-in. There are so many convenient ways to accomplish this, with easy online access and a host of mobile apps. Or, make it come to YOU by setting up alerts and email notifications. Prioritizing means consistently paying attention to where you spend. Just like you would with your partner or child!

Appreciate it
You may have future goals to work towards, but celebrate what has been accomplished. Feeling grateful generates positive energy, allowing you to create more money! Find a daily reminder to say thank you—for example, start a dollar jar and put a dollar in it every day as a token of appreciation. This is an easy action step AND easy savings! 

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer
Keep your sights on your “debt enemies”. Credit cards and loans are GREAT TOOLS but only when well managed. Limit the number of “debt enemies,” cap the total debt amount and make time to meet with a professional coach or financial planner to understand the true cost of your debt and how to start chipping away. We are all vulnerable to “debt enemies,” but they shrink when we face up to them!

Community
Just as your loving relationships extend to families and communities, so with money. Build it like a community—grow, invest, amass! Developing good habits of budgeting, saving and debt-reduction is the perfect start. These steps should come naturally as you become mindful with your money. Align your money goals with your life goals such as a short-term budget for travel and a longer-term plan for your home or child’s college funds.

As you become more mindful of money, it starts to work with you, in harmony with your life’s dreams, becoming your best source of support. Make money the biggest YES in your life!

What are some ways your finances have hindered OR empowered you and your dreams? Leave a question below for strategies to manage your money relationship.

—Leena Roy, Founder & Professional Coach