Helene Lerner's Blog, page 77

How to Deal With Tough Feedback

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No one likes to be criticized. It’s embarrassing to make a mistake and hurtful to hear your performance has been less than optimal. But to be human is to be imperfect, so constructive criticism is part of every job. And tough feedback is not just an unpleasant fact of life, it’s an invitation to increase self-awareness and make positive changes.

Take these steps to deal with tough feedback in a positive and helpful way.

Don’t React Defensively

To avoid the negative feelings criticism provokes, we often rush to defensiveness. We try to deflect blame and find another culprit or point out flaws in the person criticizing us. However, this is not the most productive way to cope with tough feedback. Let yourself feel the uncomfortable emotions of shame, hurt, fear and whatever else arises as you listen to criticism. Feel them and then move on because discomfort leads to growth.

Get a Second Opinion

Instead of wallowing in hurt feelings, take action. Talk to a trusted group of colleagues and friends who know you well. Share the tough feedback you received and ask them to help you assess it honestly. Ask them questions such as, “Which aspects seem accurate? Are there any parts that seem unfair? How can I use the strengths I already have to address the criticism I received?”

Look for an Opportunity to Learn

After talking with friends, take time to reflect on the conclusions you reached. Useful criticism is constructive, meaning it should assist you in strengthening specific areas of your work performance. Brainstorm ideas for changes that will address the criticism. Then write down a step-by-step plan that will see you through the change from beginning to end. 

If you have a good relationship with your boss, you could even ask her to weigh in on your plan and make suggestions.

Keep a Greater Good in Mind

Research shows having a sense of purpose is one of the job qualities that make people happier at work. Think about the greater good you serve in your career. It could be helping clients, working on important scientific research, or something personal such as being able to support your family. 

Whatever your greater good is, keep it in mind as you process the tough feedback. Knowing why your job is worth doing can soften the blow of criticism and motivate you to take action to change.

Say Thank You

It may seem counter-intuitive, but an expression of gratitude is a powerful way to finish a difficult conversation. If you were too surprised or hurt to say thank you in the moment, you can still send a brief email later. 

Most managers who take the time to give constructive criticism genuinely want you to succeed, so thanking them is appropriate. It will also help you feel better by focusing your mind on a positive thought rather than the negative emotions the feedback may have aroused in you.

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Sarah Landrum is a marketing specialist and freelance writer trying to balance her career and writing with a social life and staying healthy. She is also the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated to sharing advice on all things career. Subscribe to her blog or follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips.

 

Speak Your Colleague's Language

As a writer, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I communicate and deliver my message. I ask myself, “How is my communication received by others?” Is my tone appealing to my audience? Do they “get” my points? What seems confusing to them and what questions are left unanswered. 

One of the areas I’ve been focusing on lately is circular versus linear communication. 

A linear communicator leads with logic. His/her involvement in the conversation follows step-by-step points to the main idea, almost like the speaker developed an outline before having a conversation with you. A linear communicator finds a “just the facts, ma’am” style most appealing, and solutions to any problem should be based on said facts, as well as intellectual engagement and reasoning. 

A circular communicator engages in discussions with less focus on one main idea, preferring to guide the conversation with storytelling or examples. These communicators lack the structure that a linear communicator has and may not ever state the “main idea” outright; rather, they assume the listener will understand the main idea with the context created by the circular thinker.  

Imagine a circular thinker and a linear thinker communicating with each other. Depending on how strongly each one leads with his/her particular style, communication can be downright rough! If you’ve ever been involved in a conversation that lacks understanding between parties, consider whether differing communication styles may be the culprit. 

First, assess your own style. 

Spend about a week observing yourself when you communicate. You may even want to jot down notes in a small journal or with a note-taking app. Do you share step-by-step project lists with your team or do you prefer free-flowing brainstorming sessions? Where does your focus go in conversations- to facts, or feelings? Do you get to the main idea right away or do you provide context with storytelling and let your listeners develop their own conclusions? 

Next, observe your team, direct reports, and colleagues. 

Whenever you’re in conversation with someone, start to assess which style he or she is using. Ask the same questions you asked yourself, but apply it to those you are listening to. Which of your direct reports communicate with colorful language and no clear direction to the main idea? Do your colleagues give presentations rich with facts and figures that they use to give recommendations for next steps? (Bonus: you can also do this with family members and friends!)

Decide how to tweak your conversations based on your findings. 

In what ways are you and your colleagues and direct reports different in communication styles? How might tweaking your own style help your coworkers understand you better? For example, linear thinkers can come across as abrupt, cold, and unfeeling to circular thinkers. How might you adopt some of the storytelling capabilities of a circular thinker in bringing your point home? You want to adopt some aspect of the other person’s style without completely abandoning your own—a little contextual storytelling around the facts and figures you want to deliver in your message will “warm up” your conversation with a circular thinker. Try it and see what happens! 

Bring it to your team. 

While it’s great to practice new ways of communicating to members of your team, the goal should be to get everyone on board with understanding the differences and figuring out the best ways to communicate with each other. It’s not about one person catering to the needs of the others. Rather, each person should have a strong understanding of his or her style, and how to adapt it when necessary. When each person exercises their communication muscles, everyone benefits. 

—Victoria Crispo, July 2015 Career Coach

What FREEDOM Means To Me

We asked the womenworking.com community why having their freedom is so special.
Here's what they had to say!

Video Editor: Lizzie Marino

 

The Woman Behind Macy's Fireworks Show

[image error]What's a 4th of July without fireworks? This 4th of July, Macy's will host its 39th annual fireworks show—televised for the entire nation to watch. Many will tune in to watch the bursts of light along the East River of New York, accompanied by performances and more. The woman behind this extravagant event is Amy Kule, the Executive Producer of the Macy's Fireworks Show.

We had the chance to speak with her a while back, about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade—she’s one busy lady. “I'm so glad this interview is over the phone because there are piles all around me. Much of what I do is packed in my brain. But I surround myself with strong, smart people who all have great planning and organizational skills. We execute over 1000 events over the year."

In a recent interview with CBS New York Amy talked about this year’s theme, “We’re really going to give a salute to our military who have done so much obviously to protect this country. And we’ve noticed year after year that when we tend to go more pop music oriented, everybody really craves going back to our patriotic roots. And this year’s show is 100 percent patriotic. It’s a spectacular, beautiful show, and all the different elements will lead to embracing the theme of ‘Brave.'”

Check out our videoof a past fireworks display featuring singer/songwriter Usher.

Feeling Stuck? Start Moving!

A few weeks ago, I had a short bout of the blues that I had a hard time shaking off. Not finding any clear trigger for my uncharacteristically negative feelings, I felt myself slipping further and further into “bummed out” mode. I felt… stuck. The more I tried to mentally drag myself out of it, the further I seemed to slip! So I changed course. I started to move—physically. 

Even though I didn’t really feel like going to the gym, I bargained with myself—my date with the elliptical could be shortened to twenty minutes instead of my typical half hour, oh, and once I was home, I’d reward myself with ten minutes of online “window shopping”. 

Would you believe that this started to work?! My physical exercise actually made a to my emotional state. I started to feel freer, a little more lively, and “awake”. 

But I wasn’t quite done. 

I knew that those “feeling better” vibes wouldn’t last if I wasn’t able to sustain them or never figured out the root of the problem. More movement could be the antidote. So, I moved my body in other ways—or rather, I let someone else move it for me. 

Massage. Yep, next I went for a sixty-minute massage at my local day spa, complete with a visit to the herbal steam shower and relaxation room. The massage therapist used the customary Swedish techniques and then incorporated Thai massage as well, maneuvering my arms and legs in different positions. I could practically feel the stagnating energy start to move around and free itself up. I could feel my mind easing some more. 

I parked further than necessary from the spa, so that I’d have a longer walk. More movement, more mental freedom! Feeling more like myself with each new activity, I started thinking in solution mode: What did I need to do differently? Which responsibilities did I have to keep? Which worst-case scenarios should I plan for? What things that I love have been missing from my routine lately? 

I collected all my responses to those questions and sat with them for a while, so that I could look at them holistically and figure out the magic patterns and missing pieces that were common amongst them. 

I discovered that my funk was a combination of not being able to engage in some of my hobbies and really missing them. This was a direct result of not having the free time to devote to them, due to a change in my daily commute. 

Now I had something to work with—in which areas of my life could I save time so that I could make room for other things I want, need, and know help me thrive? How might I be able to use movement to help me with my next challenges, since it seemed to deliver results before? I discovered two possible areas where I could eliminate or cut down on time, to make more time for other activities. My next experiment was to think about which of those two options to choose while incorporating movement. I decided to play a song twice and dance to it, once for each of my possible choices. Each time, I would focus on a choice, with the idea that the one that truly resonates with me would show in my dancing—it would give me greater freedom, lightness and fluidity of movement, and creativity (not only in the way I danced to the music but approached solutions). I found this to be a great way to avoid feeling stuck while making a decision. 

After those glum few weeks, coming back to movement had a significant positive effect on me. By allowing myself even a few minutes to be expressive and in a way that is one of my favorites, I felt myself become unstuck. 

What are some ways you have used movement to help you sort out your thoughts? What do you think your experience would be like if you were to use movement to free up mental blocks or emotional discord? Post in the comments below—I’d love to hear from you! 

—Victoria Crispo, July 2015 Career Coach

Meet July's Career Coach!

I'm delighted to share my expertise in the areas of job searching, career exploration, and professional development with the WomenWorking community.

As a career coach with 15 years' experience, I'm known for bringing a vivacious and dynamic element to your career journey. I propel job seekers towards taking control of their searches and moving through fear, uncertainty, and other blocks to career success. Providing perspective and a listening ear to those who feel lost in the process, I empower by guiding job seekers and professionals towards plans of action that are easy and fun to implement. In addition to writing resumes and cover letters, interviewing and networking techniques, and career exploration, I serve as a guide towards discovering and maintaining your confidence throughout the process and presenting yourself in a way that "wows" employers... and you! In addition to my experience as a career coach, I am a program coordinator at a nonprofit organization and write for its popular career blog.  

—Victoria Crispo, July 2015 Career Coach

Why It's Time to Put on Your Red Shoes

Mariela Dabbah is the author of seven books, has achieved incredible career success, and encourages parents to get involved in their children's education. Originally from Argentina, she is now the founder of The Red Shoe Movement.

You moved to the US when you were 24, what was that like?

I graduated with a master's degree, moved here, and got married all within one month. I found a job in a company that distributed books in the school system while I was on my honeymoon. It was hard because I was very close to my family. My husband trained as a CPA but didn't speak English, so he couldn't practice. He started by cleaning homes.

You wrote your book to help Latinos navigate the American system. Did you encounter a problem or obstacle that you wanted to help other Latinos avoid?

I did. I worked here for a year with my visa, and then took a week vacation to go back to Argentina. When I went to get my work visa stamped on my passport, the chief of the visa department decided to cancel it. I was stuck in Argentina while my home, car, and job were still in the US. We returned by running across the border, which was a very traumatic experience. We were young, upper-middle class professionals who suddenly had to cross the border running with a coyote. I stayed undocumented for three years before I got my green card. I experienced what it was like to have no papers and no idea how to do things. 

What do “Red Shoes” symbolize to you?

Power with femininity. The whole idea behind the concept is that women need to define what success means to them to better connect their motivations and career goals. To do this, identify your style (your talents, personality, unique qualities). Our goal is to help companies develop and promote their diverse talents. You don't need to look and behave as a man in order to get the promotion; the red shoes are an all-encompassing symbol.

What gave you the push to write Find Your Inner Red Shoes?

After years of working with corporations and with women's groups within corporations, I realized that we could start discussing particular issues that affect women differently.

The Red Shoes Movement believes the traditional leadership development model is broken. What's your new model?

The traditional leadership development model is more uni-directional. It puts people in a situation where they need to learn something they lack. Our methodology is all about mutual empowerment and starting from a place of supporting women with career success.

You talk about how Latinos in the job market can use their heritage to their advantage. Can you elaborate?

This is something that everybody who has a difference must learn to leverage. Many times Latinos are told to tone down their passions instead of using them to unleash their difference. Latinos often have a knack to be sociable, which they can leverage when negotiating.

What's your number one best tip for women who want to achieve more in their professional life?

Know what you bring to the table. When I review resumes, I look for what makes a candidate special, why they deserve the job. 

Visit The Red Shoe Movement here!

Power Communication! Three Life Lessons From a Used Car Salesman

For the last twenty years I’ve been buying my cars from the same sales professional, and for good reason. When it comes to communication, rapport and relationships he shines. However, a month ago my mom (who lives in Memphis, TN) asked my sister to help find her a car. It turns out my sister found a car near me and wanted me to check it out. 

I made an appointment to see the car for my mom and met Mike, the owner of a small car lot. The thing is, I went in with preconceived notions against small car lots so Mike had his work cut out for him. Mike said hello and told me he had the car out front ready for me to drive. Then he gave me the keys, saying, “Take your time, no need to hurry back.” To my surprise, he didn’t ask for my driver’s license to make a copy of it.

When I returned, I asked Mike a few questions. Then I told him I was ready to do the paperwork, but my mom wanted to send him a check in the mail. He said that was fine and I could take the car that day. I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “You let me drive the car without you going with me and without making a copy of my driver’s license. Now you’re telling me I can take the car long before you get a check from my mom?” Mike simply replied, “I’ve been doing this a long time and I’m pretty good at knowing whom I can trust.”

Lesson One: If you want trust, give it first.

I told Mike my wife would have to bring me back another day to get the car, and that I was leaving the next day on business. He said he’d put the car in the back with a “Sold” sign on it. That intrigued me because I wondered if I changed my mind about the car (he hadn’t even asked for a deposit) he might lose the opportunity to sell the car to someone else while he kept it for me.

Mike is very successful in his business partly because he trusts the people he does business with. I’m sure he doesn’t extend the same level of trust to everyone and I’m not saying you should either. I’m saying that if you want to have great relationships, you need to be willing to lead the way and extend trust first—in whatever way and on whatever level you can with any given person. If you think your boss doesn’t care about your success at work or if you think a family member or friend doesn’t respect you, you need to have very solid evidence to back that up. Even then, you might be able to improve the relationship by looking for ways to build trust. 

Lesson Two: When you treat people well, most people will respond in kind.

Mike used to be a Vice President over ten dealerships and I’m sure he learned a lot about people during that time. It’s likely he learned long before he met me that the people around us tend to live up to our expectations, good or bad. Mike didn’t say, “I’m going to leave this relationship up to Alan and see what he does with it.” No, he led the way. The question we can ask of ourselves is, “Do I lead the way in building and nurturing my relationships?”

Whether it’s a new relationship or an established one, you will never go wrong by taking responsibility for leading the way in how you communicate and interact with others. That’s true especially when someone lets you down or mistreats you in some way. Yes, you need to be assertive and have boundaries, absolutely. However, even when we need to assert ourselves and enforce boundaries, we can do that in a way that allows the other person to maintain their dignity and that makes it easier for them to make things right.

Lesson Three: When it comes to business, everything is personal.

The saying, “It’s not personal, it’s business” couldn’t be more wrong. Anytime people are involved (and that’s every time) it’s always personal. Maya Angelou taught us long ago, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” If we kept that in mind at all times, how would that change how we communicate and build relationships with those around us?

The fact is that when it comes to business, family, friends or strangers, everyone wants to feel important. Just because your boss has a big title and is paid more than you doesn’t mean he or she feels as important or respected as he or she would like. Your co-worker that seems to be the star at work still needs to be recognized and valued by those around him or her—including you. The family members and friends we can easily take for granted want the same as we do—to feel important, respected and valued.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Why Are Mothers So Special?

We asked the womenworking.com community what makes their mom so special. Here are the beautiful responses!

Video Editor: Elizabeth Marino

Three Steps to Help You Reach Your Full Potential

In 2008, I was not in a good place at all. The details don’t matter but I will never forget the confusion, the despair and the darkness. One day I picked up an old hardcover book I had purchased in Wilmington, N.C. and began to read it. It had been in my bookshelf for over two years, but apparently I wasn’t ready for it, yet. However, when I was, within a couple of weeks everything inside me began to shift and life has never been the same since. 

I’ve only shared this story two times in a public way. I’m not telling you what book I read because the point of my story isn’t about what worked for me. It’s about you doing what works for you by investing in yourself for your personal and professional development. A couple of months ago I read something that the billionaire investor Warren Buffet said when asked what was the best type of investment everyone should consider. Mr. Buffet answered, “The most important investment you can make is in yourself.” 

When I read his advice it took me by surprise, but it makes perfect sense. You might expect me to say that, since my life’s work (first as a psychotherapist and now a coach) comes from companies and individuals who invest in their own growth and potential. Yet, long before I began my career, I invested in both my personal and professional development. 

In college I borrowed enough money from a bank to take the Evelyn Wood’s Speed Reading Course one night a week for three months. Long before that, I bought books and audio programs and went to seminars. In 1990, I invested a little over $1,000 for a personal development program on VHS tapes. I’ve always believed that if I didn’t invest in myself and believe in myself why should anyone else?

In my mid-twenties I discovered Jim Rohn and read his books and listened to his audio programs. He taught me, “Work harder on you than you do on your job.”

Few people choose to do that, but if you do, it will change your life over a short period of time, relatively speaking. Because I believed, during the most challenging time in my life, in investing my time and energy in my own development and growth, I came out of a very dark period forever changed.

I’m not saying that a single book can change your life, although for some people, that has been the case. We live in an incredible time with resources all around us. A great coach can help you do more in one year than you’re likely to do in five years. 

Yet unless you’re an “important” person in your company, you’re not likely to be assigned a coach. And few will pay out of their own pocket, like a few of my clients do. The good news is, there is so much you can do if you’re not ready to work with a coach. 

First, you have to make a commitment to yourself. You have to get serious about learning, growing and changing. How do you do that? Here are three suggestions:

Start simple and easy:

Set aside ten minutes a day for your growth and development. Read three pages from a book, listen to a recording or watch a TED Talk. Don’t let your enthusiasm tell you to commit to an hour a day. Make ten minutes a day a habit and build from there.

Use resources at hand:

Start with books or audiobooks from your library or buy one from your favorite bookstore. Read relevant magazine or journal articles. Tap into the wealth of knowledge on the internet. Go to learning events at your local community college, university, chamber of commerce or to professional association meetings in your industry.

Get the support you need:

I’ve participated in what’s called a Master-Mind Group for about twenty-five years. It’s simply a group of two or more people who meet on a regular basis (weekly or bi-weekly) to support, challenge and inspire each other. The best way to do this is in person but you can also meet via a tele-conference, Skype or a Google hangout. 

Think about it this way. To learn, grow and transform we need to be exposed to different thoughts, beliefs and experiences. If you don’t entertain new perspectives, beliefs and knowledge, you’re left with the same thoughts and beliefs you’ve always had. You can be different. Start small and see what happens. Make a commitment to yourself to discover who you can become and see what kind of outrageously wonderful life you can create for yourself.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach