Helene Lerner's Blog, page 79

Putting an End to Stress

A CEO of a start-up sat in my office to talk about the relationship with a key team member that had “turned bad." He told me this person “was creating unbelievable stress for everyone.” Yet another client was on the phone with me several months ago telling me his job was “stressing him out.” 

The interesting thing is that both of these people are very smart—but that doesn’t mean they understand stress or their part in creating it. They’re not alone. We talk about “stress” as if it’s something that happens to us. We talk about “having” stress, “experiencing” stress or we talk in terms of “being stressed.” We also say things like, “I’m under too much stress now” and “I’m stressed out.” 

They’re all passive statements. They infer that something is happening to us—something outside our control. There is no ownership of anything or a hint that we’re involved in what's happening. We've been taught that stress is something that happens to us. The best we can hope for is to learn how to manage what has happened to us. That's why we have so many "Stress Management" books and workshops.

Think about it. No one says, “I’m creating stress now.” And no one says, “I’m doing stress to myself right now.” Have you ever heard someone say, “I didn’t get my promotion and I’m stressing myself out over it?” I have and you probably have as well. But they don’t mean what they’re saying. If you want to find out if they mean it, ask them, “Why don’t you stop doing that?” and see how they respond. It's likely they will take offense and want to hit you. That's because they don’t really think they’re doing anything at all related to the stress they’re feeling.

Have you ever heard anyone say, “My boss gave me too much work but that’s not the problem. The problem is that I’m making myself miserable over it because I’m afraid to assert myself and to ask for what I need—that’s how I’m creating all this stress for myself.” It would be a rare person to take that level of responsibility—or maybe it’s fair to say it would be a rare person to be aware of what they’re doing.

We’re not aware that we create our stress. That’s because we’ve been taught to view stress as coming from something “out there.” The problem with that is it puts us in the victim role in life and we have little to no power. I'm not saying we want to have victim thinking; we don't. I'm saying that when it comes to how we think about stress we unintentionally turn ourselves into victims. 

The truth is we can put a stop to what’s “stressing us out.” For the most part. We can do that by realizing stress is an inside job. Just like happiness or peace of mind is. However, most people don’t really believe stress is an inside job. We believe stress comes from the outside and we have no real say in the matter. But what if we really could end our stress—if we knew how?

We can’t stop difficulties, challenges,and setbacks from coming into our lives. So what do I mean that we can end our stress? I’m saying that eighty percent of what we call stress isn’t coming from what happens to us. What if you could eliminate eighty percent of your stress? 

You can, and I will address that in the next blog post. For now, if you have any questions or comments, please let me know and I will respond to them.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

How to (Successfully) Leave a Job You Hate

It’s no secret a lot of companies are struggling when it comes to keeping their employees happy and engaged. A disturbing number of employees (at all levels in the company) are thinking about looking for a new job or they’re already looking and interviewing. If you’re even thinking about leaving your job, here are three things to keep in mind:

Leave before you have to:

If you don’t love where you’re at, leave sooner rather than later. Don’t wait until your boss “lets you go” or before you get to the point you can’t stay one more month. You want to begin a job search from a position of strength, not frustration or fear.

 If you put off leaving too long you’ll lose the edge you have by being able to network, interview, and negotiate from a position of strength.

Leave on good terms:

Be sure to do your best work for as long as you’re with your current company. Why? Because that’s what professionals do. Resist any temptation to let your guard down and voice your complaints or to broadcast you’re not happy where you are.

 You want to leave without burning any bridges and you want to leave with your reputation intact. You never know when a misspoken word or a bad attitude will come back to haunt you.

Take action now:

The longer you think it will take you to secure another job, the sooner you need to get a plan and act on it. Set small goals first and then you can take bigger steps. For instance, do you need to update your resume? Start there. Do you need to reconnect with people in your network? Do it today. 

The longer you stay where you don’t want to be the harder it will be for you to leave. Don’t say, “It will take me two years to find the opportunity I want.” Tell yourself, “If it will take me two years, I need to get started today.”

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

When to Say NO

Why do we say yes when we mean no? Is it because we are people-pleasers? Many of us are taught as children to play nice and avoid making waves. I certainly was. For this reason, we may feel like we don’t have permission to say no. 

Some of us find it hard to say no because we are afraid that friends or colleagues will think poorly of us if we turn them down.

Say no when

• You are overworked and one more commitment will totally overwhelm you.

• You’ve moved on to another job and a coworker from your former assignment is constantly asking for advice in the form of evening e-mails.

• You’re not that fond of the person asking for help, and you don’t want to go out of your way for him.

• You’ve been working late every night for a week and a half, and your family needs some quality time with you.

Say yes when

• It is an emergency and no one else is left at work to help out.

• Taking the assignment will give you heightened visibility with top management.

• You’ve said no several times recently, and you don’t want to lose an office ally.

• What’s being asked doesn’t require much of your time.

Adapted from The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills and how to Get Over It, by Helene Lerner,  Berrett-Koehler 2015. 

From Manager to Leader

If you want to be a leader, you have to ask yourself, “Why should anyone listen to me and follow my lead?” If that question sounds harsh, you’re not thinking like a leader. Leaders know intuitively (or they’ve learned the hard way) that people follow them because they feel it’s in their best interest to do so. If you want to become a leader, start with the question, “How will it benefit others to listen to me and help me to turn my vision into a reality?”

Why would your boss or senior leaders promote you from being a manager into being a leader in your company? What do you have to offer them—from their point of view—that will help them to fulfill their vision as a leader? 

Here’s how you become a leader:

Leaders see what is and then imagine how it can be better. Then they find a way to make it happen. If you want to be a leader, ask yourself, “How can I challenge the status quo and make things better than they are now?” Until you do that, you won’t be considered for a leadership position—because you’re not demonstrating leadership. You can’t wait for your boss to tell you what to do next. Managers wait to be told what to do while leaders come up with a vision and get others excited about it.

To be a leader, you have to bring about positive change. If you say, “But my boss or senior leadership doesn’t listen to me,” then you have a ways to go before being a leader. A leader inspires others to listen to them by presenting their ideas as solutions to problems others want solved or as ways to capitalize on opportunities others see as promising.

To be a leader, you must establish a track record and a reputation for being a change agent. Managers make sure that the current reality is running smoothly. Leaders change the current reality into a better reality. What needs to change and improve in your company or on your team? 

Is the change and improvement in the direction your leadership is willing to go? If they don't at first, can you help them to see what you see? That's what leaders do--they help others imagine possibilities and help them see how it can be a reality. Managers offer ideas for improvement but leaders communicate the value and the plan so clearly that others say, "You're just the person to make that happen." 

That’s how you go from being a manager to being a leader.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Our Wish for Girls Around the World

In today's video we asked the WomenWorking.com community what their wish for girls around the world was. Tell us yours in the comments!

Video Editor: Elizabeth Marino

Dare To Live Fully: The Art of Self-Promotion

In this episode Helene's guest is Sue Sears, Global Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion for Kimberly-Clark. She started her career as an executive assistant, and by taking smart risks and using self-promotion, she moved up the ranks.

Check out some of the highlights of the program here:

On why women have a hard time with self promotion...

Sue: I think it’s because we are taught at a young age to be nice and to be the reconciler for all arguments. [Self-promotion] is something we all need to work on because it helps you advance in a company.

On what real confidence is…

Helene: The whole point of my new book, The Confidence Myth, is that when we move forward out of our comfort zones it’s not going to feel comfortable. We can make a difference even with shaky knees. This is true in terms of self-promotion. Kathy Waller, CFO of Coca-Cola, talks about using “I and We” language. You can give credit to your team, but also let them know it’s your team. 

DOWNLOAD THIS EPISODE HERE, AND STAY TUNED FOR FUTURE EPISODES!

Five Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Job

The Gallup Poll continues to tell us that seventy percent of employees are not engaged at work. In the last twelve months I’ve had five clients leave their companies for better opportunities. That's good for them, but what about you? What should you be thinking about if you’re not sure if you should stay in your current job or find something better?

Here are five signs it might be time for a new job:

Your boss is abusive:

If you’re wondering if your boss is abusive, that’s likely a sign he or she is. If your boss is abusive (verbally, mentally, physically or sexually) I wouldn’t count on it changing. By all means, address the issue with your boss and HR. However, the truth is companies aren’t very good at dealing with abusive bosses (or even abusive employees).

Research tells us 75% of employees state their biggest work stress is tied to their supervisor or boss. If that’s true for you because your boss is abusive, you need to resist the temptation of trying to “tough it out.” Even if you could, why would you subject yourself to that? Having an abusive boss is a clear sign you either need to find a way to end the abuse or leave.

Your boss doesn’t care about your success:

If you’re doing great work but your boss doesn’t appreciate it, that’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. Your work ethic and performance might be stellar—but that doesn’t matter if your boss doesn’t value it. A boss that doesn’t care about helping your career advance sure isn’t going to be singing your praises to those who determine your raises and promotions.

Before you decide to leave, set a time period (say three months) to improve your relationship with your boss and give it all you have. This isn’t fair, but if you don’t do your best to improve your relationship with your boss, you’re not being fair to yourself. With that said, if your boss doesn’t demonstrate a new-found concern for your success and well-being, it’s time to leave.

Your company is driving you down the road to burnout:

It’s one thing to work sixty-five plus hours month after month if you love what you do and you're paid accordingly. One of my clients was working seventy hours a week and there was no clear end to that dark tunnel. He loved what he did, but it was burning him out after seven months and he left for an equally great opportunity that didn't consume his life. More and more employees report working far too much to the detriment of their health and family. If that’s you, perhaps it's a sign it's time to get your life back. 

You’re bored:

That’s a blunt way of saying you lack passion for your work. I’m not suggesting it’s time to find another job just because you’re bored. Identify the cause of your boredom and fix it if you can. Are you learning and growing? (If not, it’s no surprise you’re bored.) Are you in the right role? Do you need more responsibility and challenge? Do you need to better appreciate how important your work is (no matter what it is) and be proud of it?

If you’re still bored after addressing these issues, that might be a sign you need a radical change in what you’re doing or the company you’re doing it with. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can excel if you're not passionate about what you're doing. You might be thinking your boss is happy with you, but I've never met a boss that respects a team member who is just "getting by." It's far better you find a job you're excited to wake up for than to wait for your boss to come to his or her senses and tell you it's time to go.

You’re not fitting in: 

If not fitting in is a pattern with you, you don’t need to leave your job, you need to change yourself. You can only blame your boss or co-workers so many times. However, if you’ve been in your company six months or so and you just don’t like the people you work with or you don’t believe in the company’s vision and values—it’s just not working.

You can try to force it, but sooner or later you have to be honest with yourself and admit you’re only human. 

You can’t force yourself to like people you just don’t like. Accept that you're not going to change others and you're not going to change your company culture. If you’re more the spontaneous and wildly creative type person and your company is a “by the books” and “buttoned down" type of company, you and your company need to part ways.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Inspire Yourself to Achieve More

As an executive coach, I have the privilege of working with successful individuals and companies. Over the years I’ve noticed how my clients use their success to inspire themselves to even greater heights. That’s in contrast to what many people do, and that is to respond to their success with a sense of “satisfaction”—meaning complacency. They start playing it safe and they’re content with maintaining their current level of success.

If you want to inspire yourself to deeper levels of success, fulfillment, and happiness, here are two suggestions:

Own your success:

No matter where you are in life or in your career, you have things to be proud of that you can use to inspire yourself. However, it’s common for many people to either barely acknowledge or to minimize their progress and successes. For instance, some people say, “I was just doing my job” instead of owning their success. Where’s the inspiration in that?

You might think you should be “humble,” but what does that mean? If you want others to recognize your strengths and achievements, you have to do that for yourself first. You have to be the CIO (Chief Inspiration Officer) of your life and make it your job to congratulate yourself, not sell yourself short or project a false modesty. 

Be real about your success:

While some people minimize their success, some do the opposite and exaggerate their success. They have an inflated sense of their contributions at work and they think their performance, communication, and relationships are better than they actually are. We have to have the self-esteem and sense of self-worth to see things as they are, not as we wish them to be.

Over-confidence can easily blind us to the evidence in front of us that's there to tell us to make some adjustments in our thinking and behavior. Accept yourself unconditionally so you can not only own your success but so you can also see how you can learn, grow and change.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Meet Our June Career Coach!

Hello! I'm Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of June. This month will be all about you, but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.

I am a former psychotherapist, and for the past nine years I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer and life coach. I help companies, teams, and individuals thrive by challenging the status quo and creating unprecedented success and fulfillment.  I am the author of Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness: Your Guide to the Life You Were Meant to Live, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible sons-in-law) and last July I became a grandfather for the first time.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Special Interview with the Gutsy, Innovative Leader of Marie Claire

I sat down with Anne Fulenwider, a gutsy, innovative leader who’s at the helm of Marie Claire. What better person to lead a great magazine? On the home front, she’s a caring mother who thinks deeply about the well being of her son and daughter. See what she has to say about taking risks, asking for what you want, and the girls of the future.

Helene: Who saw something in you growing up that you hadn't seen in yourself?

Anne: I had a great, very eccentric but really smart tenth grade English teacher who was also the advisor of the newspaper. I was assigned to review a play, and I think he saw something in that piece that he liked because he asked me to keep writing for the newspaper. He kept encouraging me and I eventually became the editor-in-chief.

Helene: Growing up, did you have any idea you would be where you are now?

Anne: I just had a curiosity about the way the world worked, and I really wanted to get out there and tell stories. I didn't know in what form or what way. I also loved magazines and piled them up in my room to read. So I had some inkling, but if you asked me when I was fourteen if I was going to be editor-in-chief of a magazine, I don't know that I would have known that then.

Helene: Now with computers and the internet is it a whole different experience?

Anne: Certainly the delivery mechanisms have changed, but I feel that people really just love a good story, and they love to get the news. In some ways I think that all of this new technology has actually enabled people to reengage with the written word.

Helene: What would you say to young Anne, knowing what you know now?

Anne: I would tell her to be more confident and to be bold.We come out of the womb with confidence and somehow life beats it out of us. I would tell my younger self that everyone else is just figuring it out too. No one really knows what they're doing.

Anne Fulenwider, Taylor Swift, Nina Garcia
Credit: Getty Images

Helene: What do you want for your daughter?

Anne: She's a very confident young girl who plays sports, and she's an angel. But despite all of our best efforts, I see society creeping in and trying to tell her how she should be. I think things will be different for her. She’s growing up with a working mom. There will be more women in government and women CEOs than there were when I was growing up.

Helene: Does she come to work with you?

Anne: She comes to work with me and has been to events too. I just hope to show her as many positive role models as I can. Things like playing baseball have really helped her, and we've encouraged her to pursue singing and performing. She really loves that. So any way that I can build confidence I will try.

Helene: What allowed you to be a risk-taker? And what have been some of the risks you have taken that paid off – and one that didn't, what did you learn from that?

Anne: That’s another thing I’d tell my younger self—take risks. When I was a junior editor at Vanity Fair I left to go to California to try my luck as a freelancer. It was the beginning of the first internet boom and there was tons of opportunity. I was young, single and curious, and I just thought, “If I don't do this now, I’m never going to do it.” So I took my car, drove across the country, and slept on a friend's couch. I have to say, the pay wasn’t great and it was really hard to make ends meet, but it paid off in a great life experience.

Melinda Gates, Anne Fulenwider

Helene: You have a high regard for women, talk about that.

Anne: I think women can make the world a better place—I really think women everywhere should step out and be more involved in their community, and the world. I love my family, I love being a mom, but being engaged in the outside world is important. Not only is it great for the community, but it’s also gratifying.

Helene: Do you think women have a problem asking for what they want?

Anne: I do. I’ve seen the consequences when I don’t ask for what I want. There’s something great about getting a little older and saying, “If not now, when?” I also don't think you always have to ask. Sometimes you just  have to make what you want happen.

Helene: What does Marie Claire represent as a brand – and how do you see that vision evolving?

Anne: Marie Claire’s mission is to empower, inspire and engage women around the world. We’d like to see more female politicians and CEOs. There are plenty of women starting companies but they need access to capital. Girls who are growing up now know they can do something big, but we need to give them the right weapons and tools to navigate the world.

Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, Anne Fulenwider
Credit: Insider Images/Gary He

Helene: What is the mother-daughter bond?

Anne: It’s wonderful and mystical and I’m rediscovering it every day. Someone once told me the real job of the parent is to let go. I’m just very grateful for my daughter, it’s impossible to describe the feelings of love and pride.

Helene: What can dads teach their daughters?

Anne: So much. I think my husband’s relationship with our daughter is incredibly powerful and she takes a lot of strength, encouragement, and confidence from it. Fathers are also role models of what your daughter will grow up looking for in a man.
 
Helene: Hobbies?

Anne: I've recently taken up running. I did it when I was younger, but I think I'm going to try the half-marathon. My husband just did it, and I felt inspired. Now that I've said it, I have to do it.
 
Helene: Favorite place to be?

Anne: First, anywhere with my husband and two children. Second, I've always loved Martha's Vineyard where my great grandmother built a house and I had the good fortune of getting married there. I've always felt a deep connection with the land and water there. We're going for 4th of July.