Helene Lerner's Blog, page 74

Get a Grip on Your Emotions

Kristin is a superviser who told me, “I need help controlling my emotions when someone says or does something that upsets me. I’m like an open book and people can read what's going on.” Kristin knows that this trait may be impeding her success. If you’re in a similar situation, here’s what you can do: 

Identify the real problem. I realize that it’s easy to think it’s the other person that’s upsetting you. After all, if they have a habit of interrupting you, stealing your ideas, or talking to you in a disrespectful way, wouldn’t that upset anyone? Yes and no. It’s normal to feel frustrated or irritated when something happens we don’t like.

However, our beliefs, assumptions, and perspectives dictate how we feel about an event, not the event itself. We know that because what one person takes in stride, another over-reacts to. The real problem isn’t people saying or doing things you don’t like. The real problem is not being able to manage your emotions and choosing to respond in a constructive manner. 

Look in the mirror to calm down. Not literally, but figuratively. You’re upsetting yourself because you’re telling yourself the other person shouldn’t say or do what they’ve said or done. But why shouldn’t they? Like you, they’re not perfect. You acknowledge that you often communicate through your body language and how you respond to others in ways you don’t like.

So now we have two imperfect people who could stand to learn how to communicate and interact with others in a better way. Looking in the mirror will enable you to have empathy for the other person’s mistakes and empower you to stay calm.

Choose how you want to respond. When you allow others to push your buttons, you’re reacting, not responding out of conscious choice. Once you remind yourself that no one is perfect and they won’t always say what you think is “right,” think about the outcome you want from how you respond to them. Take some deep breaths and the time to process what the other person has said. Tell yourself you want to improve the situation, not make it worse.

Speak up and set boundaries as needed, but do it from a place of self-management and in a way that extends understanding and respect for the other person. This takes practice and you won't learn how to manage your emotions and how you respond to others in a day. Focus more on yourself than you do other people. Improve your ability to communicate from a place of self-awareness and choice and one day you won't have buttons others can easily find and push.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Why Are Our Pets so Special?

What makes YOUR pet so special? Let us know in the comments below!

Video Editor: Elizabeth Marino

 

Easy Ways to Deal with Toxic People

If anything is true in life it's that relationships can be challenging at times. For many people, one of the biggest challenges is dealing with someone who aggressively pushes you to do what they want, even if it’s not in your best interest. If you find yourself in that situation, here’s what you need to know and do:

Know the warning signs:

They’re not making a request or a suggestion—they frame what they want you to do as an obligation on your part.
They won’t let it go—they’re trying to wear you down.
You’re feeling guilt, shame, or fear when you talk to them.
They dismiss your feelings in the matter and accuse you of being too sensitive or difficult to get along with—or things similar to that.
They threaten you in some way to get you to cave in.

In short, if you’re dealing with someone who refuses to respect your decisions, you’re almost certainly dealing with someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. After all, it’s always in your best interest to make decisions you feel good about. It’s never in your best interest to make decisions out of fear, guilt, or shame.

That’s what you need to know when dealing with someone who’s not acting in your best interest. Now, let’s look at what you need to do:

Protect yourself:

No one has a right to dismiss a clear “No” from you, much less to try to manipulate you through guilt, shame or fear. Don’t worry about convincing the other. Your priority is to protect yourself, not to make things easy on the other person. 

Don't worry about the relationship falling apart, and don't give in to any fear you might have about not doing what the person wants. Failing to protect yourself will do more harm to you than anything they can do.

Keep your emotions in check:

Dealing with someone who isn’t taking your best interest into consideration can be anywhere from unpleasant to gut-wrenching, depending upon how confident and assertive you are. Be aware of what you’re feeling. Common emotions could include confusion, frustration, fear, hurt, and anger. You might also feel sadness if this is someone you’ve been close to and trusted up until now. 

Resist the temptation to give in to your frustration or anger and say things that will escalate the conflict. Do some journaling about what you’re going through, talk to a trusted advisor, or get professional help to sort through and manage your emotions. This is a time you also need to make sure you’re taking care of your needs physically and emotionally. If you’re having a difficult time dealing with this person, don’t beat up on yourself. Be patient and empathetic with yourself as you learn to deal with a toxic person.

Be assertive:

Assertiveness is the middle ground between timidity and aggressiveness. You have every right to say “No” to someone without being bullied by them. If a family member is using guilt, shame, or fear to prod you into doing what they want regardless of what you want, that’s never in your best interest. 

Tell them “No” in a firm and clear manner. Explain your position if you want (but you’re not obligated to) and tell them you expect them to respect your decision. The bottom line here is that if you allow this person to mistreat you or to take advantage of you, they will. This is not a time to be cooperative or to capitulate—this is a time to stand up for yourself.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

How to Stop Self-Doubt

Sam has a reputation of being smart, capable, and dependable. He knows that, but can’t seem to help but question and doubt himself more than he would like. One month ago, Sam was made a team leader and that bolstered his confidence some, but he still finds himself stuck in his insecurities at times.

If you’ve struggled with self-doubt and second-guessing yourself, here’s what you need to do.

Master your self-talk

Despite the fact that we “talk” to ourselves every minute of the day, most of us don’t pay attention to our self-talk. It’s like a subliminal program running underneath our conscious awareness. The thing is, your confidence depends upon the content and quality of your inner dialogue. If you want more confidence and peace of mind, you have to start with your self-talk.

Start asking yourself questions that promote self-confidence. Instead of asking yourself, “Did I make the wrong decision?” ask yourself, “What evidence do I have to support the decision I made?” In all probability, you have reason to believe you made a reasonable decision—but you have to look for that evidence and use it as you communicate with yourself.

Ask for feedback

Ask a trusted colleague for her take on your situation. You need better information to assess how you’re doing. If you always think, “Am I missing something here?” you’ll always find something. No one can make perfect decisions.

Ask for input from someone who can view your situation from a “clean filter.” Then tell yourself, “It’s far more probable he sees my situation more accurately than I do.” Remind yourself of this several times through the day until you have more confidence in your new perspective.

Embrace “Good enough”

Perfectionism is a habit that fuels self-doubt and second-guessing yourself. The solution is to understand that successful people act fast and then adjust as they go along. There is no such thing as a perfect decision and we never handle any situation perfectly—we don’t even know what that would look like. It might be helpful to remind yourself of this throughout the day.

Get help from others to develop a sense of what “good enough” is. You can always improve anything you do, but the question is, “Is it worth it the time and energy it would require?” Usually the answer is “No.” Practice asking yourself, “Is this good enough for me to reach my current objectives?” Then remind yourself that by going with what’s “good enough” you can now move on to the next thing that requires your focus.

Use the “WYSTTYBF” Test

In my book Seven Secrets to Enlightened Happiness, I share an effective technique that can grow your confidence. The acronym above stands for “Would You Say That To Your Best Friend?” This exercise is powerful because you’re likely to have a more accurate assessment of your situation if you put someone else in your shoes and reevaluate. 

Imagine your best friend is in your situation. After they explained their decisions, how would you assess their handling of it? In all fairness, you then have to apply your assessment of them to yourself. 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Dress Like a Boss When You're the New Kid on the Block

Starting out in the career world can require an entire overhaul of your closet. You suddenly have to reconsider everything you once knew about fashion and totally reevaluate your standards for daily dress. Fortunately, there are many ways to blend style and business, leaving a variety of outfit options for the trendy, professional woman. So if you’re not willing to sacrifice style as you dress for your new job, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

Get a feel for your work environment
Before investing in a new wardrobe, evaluate the level of professionalism exhibited in the dress of co-workers. Some places may allow dark jeans, for instance, while other offices prohibit denim entirely.

The same is true of vibrant patterns, colorful garments, and more “fun” outfits. If you find that these are common in your workplace, feel free to explore some of those options — rather than sticking to slacks and blouses.

Leave your flip-flops at home
Shoes can make or break your professional outfit. Flip-flop and thong sandals should be left at home, and you’ll have to gauge how your office feels about flats — some environments consider them too casual. Avoid neon, party-girl high heels, too. Generally speaking, shoes with a neutral color, closed-toe and small heel are your best bet.

Keep it simple
Style doesn’t have to come by sacrificing simplicity. As a rule of thumb, it’s good to keep outfits and general appearance simple in the workplace.

This means put a cap on colors and patterns, jewelry, elaborate hairstyles, etc. There’s an art director in New York who wears the same white shirt and black pants every single day, for example. While you don’t have to be quite so simple, there’s value in keeping it basic. Not only will this leave you looking no nonsense and professional, but it will save you time in the mornings, too.

Tame your hair
Failing to style, or at least tame, your hair will send a message that you’re messy and unprepared. Make sure it’s cut nicely and styled in a way that’s not too extravagant but not untidy, either. Avoid pigtails, cornrows, and vibrant, unnatural hair dyes. Keeping it down and natural, or pulled back in a single knot or ponytail are some safe, chic, and easy ways to wear your hair as a career-woman.

Embrace the color black
Black pieces are perfect for balancing the vibrancy of colorful garments. You could confidently pair a patterned skirt with a black top or a bright blouse with black pants, for example.

You can also put black pieces together, or go with a conservative black dress. Not to mention, black matches almost everything and is generally a safe bet as far as business attire is concerned.

Invest in a blazer
Blazers can take a business-casual outfit and transform it into something interview-worthy. For a casual environment, they can dress up a nice outfit with jeans and show off your professionalism. Plus, blazers can be paired with almost anything, making them a perfect go-to piece.

Just because you have a career doesn’t mean your wardrobe has to be dull and boring. Follow these tips and you’ll feel confident, stylish, and professional when you head off to work.

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Read more from Sarah Landrum on Punched Clocks and follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips.

 

 

 

Can We Really Reinvent the Workplace?

More and more of us are discussing how much we need to reinvent the workplace and how we work. Whether you’re a Baby Boomer or a Millennial, you likely feel positive about certain things in your company and feel frustrated (or worse) about the need for us to make some fundamental shifts in how we think and work together. The thing is, we can do just that—but it begins with the courage to admit changes need to be made. 

I’m going to share some solutions today but we’re going to begin by taking a look at our current reality. It’s not going to be pretty and you might point to the exceptions and say, “It’s not that bad.” But I'd say exceptions only reinforce the rule. There’s no positive spin on the Gallup Poll’s result that only thirty percent of us have both our head and heart in our work or company.

Let’s take a look at what we say we want in a work environment. Then we’ll look at what we actually have. Remember, I’m painting a broad (but accurate) picture and your organization or manager might be the exception.

Here’s what we say: People are our most valuable asset

We believe in our people
We listen to our people
We value honesty, transparency, and collaboration

Yet, more than we care to admit, here’s what we do:

Training and development is one of the first things to go or to be drastically cut back when the economy is challenging. 
Few employees have a clear development plan for their advancement so they are left wondering what “I believe in you” means.
Far too many employees fear the consequences of speaking up to their boss or senior leaders, so they keep quiet.
Not nearly enough senior leaders are honest or transparent or collaborative with what really matter—when it matters.

I know the picture I painted above isn’t inspiring. However, accepting reality comes before change begins. I also believe we can do dramatically better than what we’re doing. I know that because we do have exceptions to the rule. There are leaders at all levels, starting with the top, who are leading the way in creating a more humanized workplace. 

They are the ones who believe that inspiring people is more profitable than driving them—and they are telling us we don’t have to choose between profits and people—we can have it all. Enough about leaders though. If you’re not a formal leader or a senior leader, what can you do? You have to lead the charge from whatever position you’re in, and here are three ways you can do that:

Be visionary

When it comes to company culture (our values, beliefs and behaviors) you need to have a vision you believe in and are willing to work for. You don’t have to have a title or formal authority. You can lead where you are if you believe you can. If you doubt your ability to make a difference, think about what anthropologist Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”

Be solution focused

We know well enough what the problems are, even if we deny them and minimize them too often. We need to address the problems of our current workplace, but we need to do that with solutions in hand. I don’t know what that would be for your team or your organization, but you do. If you don’t, you and your team can identify at least one solution and say, “Let’s start with this.”

Be empathetic

Organizations and individuals don’t change just because we want them to. Most leaders, managers, and employees want things to be better. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt and believe most of us want to make positive changes in the workplace. That’s not being naïve, it’s extending the same courtesy we expect from others. If we are patient and empathetic with each other, then when the time comes, we can respectfully challenge each other to not only imagine a better workplace, but to actually do what it takes to create it.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Sleep, the Ultimate Energy Drink

Need a better night’s sleep? Don't delay the problem with sugary energy drinks—get to the root of it. We talked to Dr. Emerson Wickwire, Director of the Insomnia Program at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, for some sleep tips.

The Number One Cause of Fatigue
The single most reason why people are tired, worn down, and lacking energy is because they're not getting enough sleep. Nutritional deficiencies and medical illness can certainly contribute, but the single biggest reason is that you're not catching enough shut eye.

How Much Sleep You Really Need
The average adult needs about 7-7.5 hours of sleep. But one of the challenges of determining how much sleep we need is that humans are notoriously bad at recognizing when they're feeling sleep deprived. In other words, you think you’re functioning just fine – even when you’re not.

Tips to Get More Sleep
There are only three ways to get more sleep. Go to bed earlier, sleep in later, or take naps during the day. For most working women, taking naps during the day is very difficult. That only leaves going to bed earlier or sleeping in later. Be mindful of how much time you are allocating for sleep.

Why More Sleep Might Not Be the Answer
If you’re getting a sufficient amount of sleep, but still don’t feel rested there may be a different issue. It’s not always the quantity of our sleep, but the quality of our sleep that matters most. In fact, patients are often surprised when sleep treatments begin with improving sleep quality first, then focusing on sleep quantity. Disorders like sleep apnea interfere with breathing, and many working women are at risk for chronic insomnia. 

Insomnia is when you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. A good rule of thumb is that if it takes you 30 minutes or more to fall asleep, or if you're awake for 30 minutes or more during the night, you may be at risk. Common daytime signs include feeling tired, stressed, or irritable during the day, among others. 

How to Handle Insomnia
If you’re having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, there are a few simple things you can do. First, create a sacred space for sleep – your bedroom should be cool, dark, quiet, and free from visual clutter. Second, think DUSK. Develop and implement a soothing bedtime wind-down routine, a ritual to help prepare the body and mind for sleep. Finally, maintain a regular sleep-wake schedule and avoid all daytime activities – including thinking and planning – during your prescribed sleep period. There’s a lot more to it, but this will get you on the right track.

When to Ask for Help
If you're asking, “Do I need to talk to a professional?” then the answer is almost certainly yes, you do! Remember that disturbed sleep can lead to other negative consequences down the road – it’s a reliable warning sign for depression, cognitive decline, or weight gain, so get it checked out now. 

Call to Action
Sleep does a body good. If you're unsure about the quantity or quality of your sleep, set aside two weeks and commit to at least eight or nine hours in bed. At the end of two weeks, you'll have a much better sense of how much sleep you need and how much better you feel when well-rested.

Fatigue Fact
Women experience many sleep difficulties, particularly insomnia related sleep difficulties, at about twice the rate of men.

Two Easy Ways To Boost Your Brand Starting Today

Your career success and how you do in life overall is dependent upon how others view you and think of you. Today that’s called your “brand.” However, I like to keep things simple. I suggest you forget about building your "brand" at work and simply think in terms of building and protecting your reputation—because that’s what a brand is. 

Here are two things to remember when it comes to your reputation at work:

Be irreplacable
I have a client that decided to move across the country but wanted to stay with his company. The problem is, they didn’t have an office where his family was moving to. He asked them if he could work from home and his boss said, “Absolutely not—we have let a few people do that in the past year and the CEO said last month to put a stop to it.”

My client said he understood that and as much as he hated it he would have to find another opportunity. The good news is that his boss came back three days later and said, “I talked to the CEO and told her I couldn’t replace you. She agreed to your request and now I can get a good night’s sleep.”

If your reputation is, “We can’t do this without Mary,” is that a guarantee you won’t ever be let go or that all your needs will accommodated? Certainly not. However, it's the closest you’re going to get to a guarantee, so make becoming irreplaceable your goal.

Be an exceptional people person
The client I told you about is in IT but he also has incredible people skills. Soon after he moved, my client was asked to move into a management role, which he was excited about. Guess who else was happy about the decision? The people who would be on his team—because my client had a reputation of being a clear communicator, patient but firm, having the ability to work through conflict, and he also has the reputation of being an inspiring person to be around.

You want to build a reputation of not only being exceptionally good at what you do, no matter what it is, but you want to be known as the type of person others can get along with and as someone who brings out the best in others.

Trust me. Building a reputation for being irreplaceable and having great people skills is something you have to stay on top of every day or your reputation will begin to weaken. Every day, ask yourself how carefully you’re protecting and strengthening your reputation at work.

Demand evidence from yourself when you think about this. Are you in the process of upgrading your “technical” skills or adding new skills that make you irreplaceable? Have you interacted with and communicated with those around you in a way that projected both your professionalism and your personality in a way that makes you stand out in a good way? If you say “Yes,” then tell yourself, “Tomorrow I’m going to raise the bar and do even better.” Then look for ways to do just that. That’s how you build a stellar reputation at work.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

2 Easy Tips to Start Living a Truly Amazing Life

I received a Facebook message yesterday from a client I worked with years ago when I was in private practice as a psychotherapist. She had just finished her master’s degree in Counseling and passed her state’s exams, and wanted to thank me for helping her see she could live an amazing life. 

If you want to have an amazing life, here are two tips:

Recognize what is amazing now

You don’t have to be a celebrity or a billionaire to be amazing or have an amazing life. We’ve been conditioned to classify certain people and certain things as worthy of our attention, respect, and admiration. To make things worse, we’ve learned to take our amazing selves and our amazing lives for granted.You are amazing now whether you realize it or not. You have done amazing things even if you’re unaware of it. 

Today, choose to think for yourself on a whole new level when it comes to how you view yourself and how you feel about yourself. What would amaze you about yourself if you didn’t discount it or minimize it? Recognize what is amazing now. If you’re a friend or loving family member to someone, that’s something worth feeling incredible about—and it means you have an amazing life. 

Dream bigger

Once you’ve gotten more practice at noticing and honoring how amazing you are, it’s time to think bigger and dream bigger. It’s true that we're amazing but it’s also true that we have unrealized potential to grow into. If you focus on your strengths, recognize your achievements no matter how small they are, and if you celebrate things about yourself that you've taken for granted, you will be in a position to unleash more of your potential.

The thing about dreams is they can be intimidating, as in, “Who am I to think I could do that?” or “I don’t have the time or money to act on my dream.” That’s not true, it’s just that you don’t have the positive energy you need to act on them because you haven’t been celebrating yourself, honoring yourself, and giving yourself the respect you deserve. So keep going back to my first suggestion. Then come back to your dream and identify a first small step towards your dream and take it. That you can do, and when you do it, you will feel amazing. 

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Dressing Feminine in the Business World

May I let you in on the fundamentals of executive dressing? This post is about successfully achieving a balance that is both feminine and professional enough to gain respect from the door. 

One style statement that is pretty tricky is feminine dressing. How does that translate in an environment primarily dominated by men? Can you or would you feel like you can be taken seriously if you are in soft florals or daytime lace while running a boardroom meeting or giving a presentation to higher ups? ABSOLUTELY!

Feminine Dresses: Take the first step in showing you’re a woman in touch with her femininity and you rock! There is a misconception that in order to be a BOSS you must emulate your masculine counterparts. You can absolutely be taken seriously while standing in your executive boss shoes. Trends in season like soft pastels or lace are great textures and colors to bring a little “zing” to ordinary and always figure flattering classics like the wrap or A-line dresses. 

Femininity can also be acquired in accessories. Wearing a classic look can be softened and sexy, yet serious with small touches like: peep-toe shoes, statement necklaces, brooches, striking shoe colors/patterns, sunglasses, and of course, handbags.

In order to be considered “great,” your dress choices need to be figure flattering… Rule #1. Tailoring is also vital when it comes to dresses. Make sure to alter any deep necklines that border inappropriate. If you think it might be too much; it likely is… Rule #2.

Here are a few feminine style pieces that are both feminine, yet classic and trend savvy: 

If you ever worry about buying into a trend and being stuck with it after only a few months, never to wear it again, the Midi-Dress is the anti-trend trend you have been waiting for. It’s a timeless classic that is perfect as a work-to-play convert. This trend was a highlight in summer and fall fashion shows so it’s a keeper for your closet through seasons change.

   

A solid navy is a great color choice to start with or you can do a patterned midi and have fun pairing it with demure footwear during the day and sexy stilettos for the night. By definition, midis are any skirt that falls at or just below your knees. Anyone who is petite should go maxi or pencil length; midis wouldn’t work for your silhouette. 

Now this one is from the 1960’s and as American as apple pie. The Pleated Skirt is a great silhouette for almost any shape. However again, I wouldn’t recommend for the petite woman (5’4 and under). This summer’s return to the classic skirt is an easy compliment to almost everything. Try it with a tailored blazer or fine-knit sweater layered over a collared shirt and heels. 

   

It’s all about the journey; finding the right mix for you is essentially the KEY TO LIFE. It applies to everything; from finding the right career, the right mate and even the right wardrobe for you!

Pamela Watson is an experienced stylist who currently works as the trend expert for Builders of Style, where she prepares A-list clients for red carpet events, music videos, concerts and award shows. Check our her fashion blog here. Have a question for Pamela? Ask below!