Helene Lerner's Blog, page 67

13 Tips to Help You Master Giving Feedback

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Giving feedback is never easy, especially when it’s negative. Whether you’re on the giving or the receiving end, if the feedback is not delivered well, it can be extremely uncomfortable and lead to tension and hurt feelings. 

To make feedback more pleasant for everyone involved, follow these rules for how to deliver negative feedback to your coworkers.

Feedback should be based on something observable

Feedback should be rooted in things you can describe in detail, like behaviors or comments made in the office. Instead of saying, “You didn’t use your time well” try “I noticed you still had three high-priority items on your schedule when you left on Friday. What happened?”

Suggest actions for the receiver to take in the future

Suggest future actions that are achievable and realistic. Try kindly suggesting they try new ways of tracking time, like, “Why don’t you experiment by coming into the office at different times to see if it affects your workflow? I notice when I come in early, I’m able to knock out my high-priority tasks much faster than when I get a late start.” 

State the purpose of your feedback early on

Even when suggestions are well-intentioned, it’s better to lead with something like, “I want to help you become even better at time-management,” instead of, “I have some suggestions about your time-management.” Knowing up front what the goal is can prevent rash judgments or hurt feelings. The feedback may be aimed at a certain project, but without knowing the receiver may assume you’re talking about all of their work, or worse, about them in general. 

Communicate the main point before going into details

If you need revisions on a proposal, start with that instead of leading with a laundry list. “Could you revise this proposal? The client prefers X, Y and Z” is more clear than “The client really prefers X, Y and Z. Can you revise this?” 

Share positives first, and be specific

Starting out a conversation with the words “I don’t like…” is sure to get the conversation off on the wrong foot. Instead, be specific about what they did well before recommending what you think could be revised. This helps make the conversation a bit friendlier. Plus, when they know what they did well, they can continue to do it in the future.

Make it a two-way conversation

Nobody likes being told what to do, especially if it’s coming from someone they feel has no right to tell them what to do. Replace “I think you should…” with something like, “What do you think about changing…” Help them come up with their own solutions, and they’ll feel much better about implementing them. If it’s relevant to the situation, asking for feedback on your own performance can increase engagement in the conversation as well. 

Focus on the action, not the person

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before, but it’s one of those things that’s easier said than done. When giving negative feedback, remember to focus on the action with statements like “I think the project could have focused more on…” This will go over better than, “I think you could have focused more on…” 

Use “I” versus “You” when possible

When possible, re-word feedback to use “I” statements. For instance, you may want to say something like, “I might take this approach when calling a client” in place of “You should take this approach when calling a client.” This way, you seem to be offering friendly advice instead of belittling demands. 

Be specific and descriptive

When something needs changed, it’s tempting to just say “Please revise this.” But without knowing what exactly needs changed, or the purpose of changing it, the receiver is not likely to make much improvement. Be clear. When the receiver knows the purpose, they’re more inclined to hit the mark. 

Use positive phrasing

Avoid harsh words by using more positive alternatives that come across as constructive instead of hostile or confrontational. For example, in writing, instead of asking the writer to make changes, tell them, “I really like the direction this is headed, but we need to fine-tune a few things to make it a really great.” 

Give the feedback at the right time

Timing is everything when giving feedback. As a general rule, it’s best to give feedback as soon as possible following the event. But, you may need to wait until the person is free so you have their full attention and can meet privately. Delivering negative feedback isn’t fun, but addressing the problem immediately is far better than letting it become brushed under the rug.

Focus on behavior that can change

Take an introverted coworker. It may be affecting their work, but a comment like, “You seem very introverted; why don’t you try talking to others more?” will fall on deaf ears. Instead, focus on an action that the receiver can take by saying something like, “I think the rest of the team would like to hear your thoughts. Why don’t we set up a casual meeting to talk about it?” 

Use relaxed body language

Giving constructive criticism well goes beyond the words you use. Non-verbal cues (like body language) also play a part in effectively giving feedback. Sit or stand on the same level, make eye contact and smile. Try to avoid crossed arms or stern looks. If feedback is being given via email, break it up into shorter paragraphs so it feels more friendly and less like an angry rant. 

Nobody likes negative feedback, but delivering it well can make a world of difference—both in the outcomes and the attitudes of everyone involved. Next time you’re delivering constructive criticism, be sure to remember these rules. 

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Sarah Landrum is the founder of Punched Clocks, a site dedicated to sharing advice on all things career. Follow her on Twitter @SarahLandrum for more great tips!

 

4 Tips to Help you Deal with Holiday Madness

With the holidays coming and Thanksgiving 10 days away, we’re approaching a period that many of us feel is the most stressful time of year. 

The stress we experience during the holiday season has many possible causes:

We have less time to complete our tasks and projects, given the fewer workdays available from late November to January 1st. In addition to the holidays themselves, there are other days in which our workplaces may be closed or partially staffed. The same for companies we’re doing business with.We have shopping to do for the holidays, as well as business or family-related events to attend (and prepare for) outside of work hours.We have age-old family dynamics to manage if we attend holiday gatherings with relatives. Such get-togethers can be joyful in many ways but also challenging—especially if we’re beginning to redefine ourselves beyond the traditional roles that family members may have “assigned” us.If we’ve had a major loss in the last year—e.g., the death of a family member or a divorce or separation—we’re likely to feel that loss more deeply during the holidays, given the nostalgic memories that this season brings to mind.We have countless other things to manage between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day—e.g., our budget for holiday gifts, our time to buy and wrap presents, our travel plans if we visit relatives or take a vacation. 

How do we deal with these stressors so we can be gracious and centered in a time that’s intended to give us gratitude and peace?

Recognize we may not get everything done. We can prioritize what must get done—in our work and elsewhere—and focus on top priorities.Schedule everything. Things can fall through the cracks if we’re not closely tracking our increased work and social obligations. A missed appointment or deadline will only compound our stress!Set expectations. When mutual expectations are undefined, we’re setting ourselves up for misunderstandings to occur later. For instance, when preparing for holiday events or family gatherings we should be clear about the details and who’s responsible for providing what. “Level-setting” expectations is just as important outside of work. Remember to breathe! It’s important to be mindful during stressful periods. From time to time we should just sit, be still, and center ourselves. 

Practicing these tips can help us “be present” to this season of gratitude and joy.

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates

 

Treasure the Little Things

It's time to treasure the little things. What are YOU grateful for?

Video Editor: Monica Wahid

3 Keys to Effective Communication

Do you realize that when you’re communicating with another person there are actually three conversations going on? 

Your internal conversation with yourself. (Did you ever drive home and barely remember how you got there, because you were having such an engrossing conversation with yourself?)The internal conversation the other person is having.The external conversation you and the other person are having aloud.

It’s amazing that any real communication occurs at all, given the distraction of all these different conversations! Taking this into account, here are three tips to ensure more effective communication:

Get past your internal conversations.

Are you able to hear what the other person is actually saying?If you notice your internal conversation is drowning out the external conversation, let it go and get back into the moment. Hear what the other person is saying. 

Notice the assumptions you’re making but not saying.

What are you assuming about that person and about what they are saying? We rarely operate like Sergeant Joe Friday, who listened for “just the facts.” We automatically add meaning to, draw conclusions from, and make assumptions about what others say—which can interfere with careful listening.

Know that those assumptions can influence a conversation.

What we think but don’t say often speaks loudly.Your assumptions can leak into the conversation, wreaking havoc on the outcome.If you can’t let go of the assumptions, find a way to talk about them.

If you go back and analyze an unproductive conversation you’ve had, often there was something you were not saying, but you were thinking, that affected the outcome of the conversation. Business theorist Chris Argyris refers to this as “the left hand column.” 

Try this as a practice: Make two columns on a piece of paper. On the right side write down your recollection of an important conversation that did not go well. In the right column you might write: 

She: I was told the meeting was cancelled.
Me: No problem. But we had to move ahead on the decision without you.

On the left side write down what you were thinking and not saying, such as, “I don’t believe her. She’s always making up excuses. This time she has to live with the result.” You may see that what you were thinking but not saying still influenced the outcome of the conversation. 

The answer may not be to put your “left hand column” on external speaker. But it’s important to find a way to test your assumptions or discuss them with the other person, because they’re not always accurate. And finding a way to talk about them openly provides an opportunity for mutual learning.

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates

6 Keys to Help You Rise to the Top

In the U.S. women fill only 14 percent of C-Level positions (CEO, CIO, CMO, CTO, CFO) and only 6 percent in Fortune 500 companies.  

This is in spite of research that has shown that there’s an increase in Return On Equity when there are three or more women on company boards and when there are women in senior leadership positions. As a result, many global corporations are concerned with retaining their talented women and increasing their bottom line.

According to a Deloitte study, “The Gender Dividend: Making the Case for Investing in Women”:

An organization that understands how to attract, retain, and advance women will be in a better position to capture its fair share of talent, reduce the cost of attrition, and generate a robust pipeline to leadership.

I’ve come up with 6 Key Success Factors for developing women as leaders, based on research from Catalyst, the Anita Borg Institute, the Harvard Business School, McKinsey, and Deloitte.

If women develop themselves in these 6 key areas, they can rise to the top of their organizations, and their organizations can flourish.

Passion/Purpose

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?What difference do you plan to make?What do you want to be known for?

Performance

Your performance confirms value and worth.Women need to out-produce men to succeed in their careers.

Visibility

Visibility arises from being publicly acknowledged for your work—and publicly acknowledging others.You need to manage your visibility.

Engagement

Listen openly to others, without an agenda.Network constantly and engage others in your ideas.Build long-term relationships.

Leadership Experience

Gain experience in leading teams and projects.Develop leadership skills: negotiating, asking for support, coaching others.

Sponsorship/Mentorship

Mentors can help you think through difficult decisions—and navigate political waters.Find an internal sponsor to help you move forward in your career. 

Assess where you are in your development on a scale of 1-10, asking yourself:

How do I rank myself in each of the six key success factors?Where do I see gaps?What specific actions could I take to close these gaps?

If you develop yourself in these 6 key areas you will accelerate your success and significantly advance your career!

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates

Dress Smart like a Boss Even When It's Freezing

Soon, winter will be here in full force. Depending on where you live, you might already be reaching for a coat before venturing outdoors. But if you want to look your best, not just any coat will do. 

When it’s cold outside, it’s important to put as much thought into bundling up as you do into building your outfit. In many situations, others’ first (and sometimes only!) impression of you will be based on your outerwear. (For instance, it doesn’t matter how polished your business suit is if you’re wearing a bulky parka over it when you meet a new client for lunch.) Make sure your outer layers project the style and confidence you want to convey.

Before the temperatures really plummet, here are four cold-weather staples to invest in:

Warm up in a wonderful coat.  If you don’t already have one, invest in a warm, high-quality coat in a classic cut and style. Depending on the temperatures where you live, you might consider a hip- or knee-length coat, or one with a thermal liner. Hoods can also be useful when rain and snow are on the forecast. (Detachable hoods are especially versatile.)

While you might be drawn to that eye-catching cherry red wool trench, I suggest choosing a coat that is a neutral shade (like black, brown, or beige). Neutrals will stand the test of time, are always professional, and are easy to coordinate with accessories. 

Put your best boot forward. Invest in a quality pair of boots in black or brown (or both!) to help keep your feet warm and toasty. The right pair can take you right from work to weekend, worn with warm cable-knit tights and a skirt to the office, or with a great pair of jeans for running errands on Saturday. 

If you live in a climate that gets brutally cold, then consider a pair that is fur-lined or even waterproof. These styles tend to be more expensive, but they’re worth the investment because you’ll stay comfortable and dry while still looking fashionable. (I recently splurged on a pair of boots by Aquatalia, which offers stylish, waterproof footwear in leather and suede.) And be practical—if the weather outside has made walkways and parking lots slick with ice, then leave the heels at home. There are plenty of stylish flat-soled options that are perfect for snowy days.

Stock up on scarves. Look for scarves in unexpected colors or patterns—this will give your basic blacks or winter whites a fabulous splash of color. Use scarves to expand your personal style boundaries. If you typically shy away from bold colors or fun patterns like houndstooth or paisley, a scarf is a great opportunity to incorporate these sassier styles into your outfits. Right now fringed garments are popular, so look for fringed scarves as a way to work this of-the-moment trend into your look without straying too far from your comfort zone.

Be ready to tote your gear. No matter the season, I recommend carrying a handbag with your essentials and a tote for everything else: laptop, files, water bottle, umbrella, gloves, hat, etc. (Whenever possible, it’s wise to break up the weight you carry. Your posture and muscles will thank you!) 

This winter, look for a durable tote in a rich, saturated color. I love totes made of Saffiano leather because this material is lightweight, won’t scratch easily, and can be cleaned with a little water on a towel. Also, be sure to choose a style with a zippered closure, which allows you to secure your valuables and protect them from wet weather. 

Marla Tomazin is a certified image consultant. Catch up with her at her website, here.  

Surprising Ways to Tweak Your Personal Brand

Everybody’s talking about “personal branding” these days! I had the privilege of working with In Search of Excellence author Tom Peters, who invented the idea a quarter-century ago. Here’s his quote from a 1997 Fast Company magazine article, “A Brand Called You.”

Regardless of age, regardless of position, and regardless of the business we happen to be in, all of us need to understand the importance of branding. We are CEOs of our own companies: Me, Inc. To be in business today, our most important job is to be head marketer for the brand called You. 

Your personal brand is how people perceive you. And perception is reality.

Most importantly, your brand affects people’s emotional response to you, for better or worse. As Scott Bedbury, former executive at Nike and Starbucks, says:

A great brand taps into emotions… Emotions drive most, if not all, of our decisions. A brand reaches out with a powerful connecting experience. It’s an emotional connecting point that transcends the product.

If you think of yourself as a ”product” you’re marketing, you can understand why it’s vital to be aware of your personal brand. The way people perceive you will affect their decision to hire you and what projects to assign you to. 

You have a brand whether you’re aware of it or not!

People already have their impressions and opinions of you. Many may have concluded, for example, that you are reliable or unreliable about keeping your word, open or closed to new ideas, easy or difficult to work with. 

How can you discover your default brand? Try this exercise:

Ask 4 people who know you to describe you in 4 words.Make sure you include a peer at work, a supervisor, a family member, and a friend.Write down the 16 words and any feedback you’ve received from recent performance reviews, report cards, and evaluations.Are people giving you the same words or different words? Is there a pattern emerging?Is there anything that anyone said that surprises you? How would you change your default brand if you could?

When my friend did this exercise, the 4 people she interviewed all used the word “late.” She was horrified—but at the same time grateful to learn how people perceived her. She immediately went to work on correcting their perceptions and made sure she got to meetings and events on time. 

This simple but powerful exercise can change your life!

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates

4 Unique Ways to Fit Friends In

Let’s face it, we’re busy people. When we’re not running to work, the gym or one of our many errands, it can be easier to switch off at night and just watch TV. There’s nothing wrong with that, we all need a break. But how do you schedule friends into your busy life? 

If you want to keep your connections strong, you have to work hard. Here are a few tips to keep those close to you in your life, even if distance and responsibilities are keeping you separated. 

Schedule around Skype

Not everyone feels comfortable talking on the phone while driving—and in some areas it’s illegal! But that doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect with a friend while cleaning or cooking. Skype is a great way to connect. Use this time to get other menial tasks done too. You can clean, fold laundry or paint your nails while keeping in touch.  

Get a Long-distance Exercise Buddy

It might be hard or nearly impossible to schedule a time to go running with your friend, but that doesn’t mean she can’t help keep you on track. If you have a Gmail account, then you also have access to Google Docs. This allows you to create online documents and spreadsheets that you can share with friends. 

If you’re both trying to stay in shape, make a spreadsheet where you both log your daily exercise. You can support and nudge each other to work harder when you’re lagging. 

Go beyond ‘Facebook likes’ 

Everyone can click ‘like’ or ‘favorite’ on their social media feeds, but there’s a lot more you can do to keep in touch online. Try using Snapchat to send quick funny pictures to one another, or sign into Foursquare, an app that records establishments you’ve been to and how you’d rate the experience. 

Some friendly competition 

Everyone plays Smartphone games while waiting for the bus or before an appointment, but start playing multiplayer games instead. This way, even if you and your friend haven’t had time to meet for coffee, at least you’re creaming her at Words with Friends. 

What makes your best friend so special? Watch this video and let us know in the comments!

— Emily Walton, Web Editor, WomenWorking.com

3 Tips on Getting Paid More

Studies show that when men and women with the same experience and educational background apply for the same position, women asked for 30% less than their male counterparts. Additional research confirms this conclusion: women do not ask to get paid what they are worth. Most studies point to women’s lack of confidence as the source of this.

But the good news is you can do something about it. Here are actions you can take to get paid what you’re worth: 

Do your homework 

Find out what someone at your level—and with your experience and educational background—gets paid for the same position you’re applying for. Research Glassdoor.com and other job websites for salary information.Learn everything you can about the company. Read their annual report and LinkedIn information about the executives and associates in the company.If you do have first-hand or second-hand connections with anyone working in the company, find out what it’s like to work there.

 Show up powerfully

First ask yourself:

How does this job opportunity fit into my career goals?

Given the job I am applying for, what do I see as my unique contribution to the company – especially the value that helps with salary negotiations?

Identify examples of your successes in the industry. Be prepared to talk about your experience, leadership style, and passion for the job and the company during the interview. It is customary for companies to use behavioral interview questions. These are specifically designed to identify how you’ve responded to work challenges in the past. 

Be prepared for these questions by thinking about the challenges you’ve faced in previous jobs. 

Be ready to talk about how you’ve handled them.

Be confident in the value you bring, BEFORE you talk salary 

The process of interviewing and asking for what you’re worth is akin to dating and then committing to a long-term relationship. Have the people in the company get to know you. Discuss with the people who interview you the unique contribution you feel you can make to the company. Define expectations: what expectations do you have of this job? What expectations do the hiring mangers have of you? Ask them for specifics about what they’re looking for. Once you know you’re a good fit and you know you want the job—and you know they want you—then you can talk salary, operating from a place of power and clarity.  

Don’t sell out. Use these actions to develop the confidence and courage to ask for what you’re worth!

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates

4 Ways to Make Tough Conversations Easier

Like many other people, I used to dread having to initiate a “difficult conversation” with a colleague—that is, a conversation on a touchy or controversial subject, especially if I already had some difficulty communicating with that person.

I had a concern that what I was about to say might:

Not be “heard”—or be misinterpreted or resisted

Upset the other person

Have a negative, lasting impact on our relationship 

But through trial and error—and coaching I’ve received over the years—I’ve learned how to prepare and successfully execute these conversations, and to coach others to do the same.

Here are four ways to make these difficult conversations easier:

Get crystal clear about the result you want to achieve from the conversation 

Getting clear about the intended results of a conversation helps you cut through the fog of concerns you may have, so you can design and steer the conversation to produce the desired outcome.A few minutes invested up front significantly improves the chances of a successful conversation.

Practice the conversation before you have it:

 Find someone to practice with, who will role-play the conversation you are about to have. Act out the possible responses and reactions the other person may have.Act out both roles so you can actually experience what it’s like to stand in the other person’s shoes, increasing your compassion for them.

Acknowledge the other at the beginning of the conversation

It’s likely that the person you’re about to have this conversation with is doing valuable work and is worthy of your appreciation.Letting that person know explicitly that you value and appreciate them and their contribution goes a long way to setting the tone for a productive conversation.

Listen without bias

Rightly or wrongly, we often form some negative opinions or judgments about our colleagues from our experience working with them.These judgments can be viewed as filters that screen out what we are able to hear and act on. In an important conversation it’s valuable to notice any preconceived notions you have of the other person. As you become aware of these biases, put them aside to hear and appreciate what the other is saying. 

The successful resolution of difficult conversations can have a major impact on your working relationships and just follow these four steps and you will be amazed with the results.

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates