Helene Lerner's Blog, page 63

3 Ways For An Introvert To Get Noticed In A Group Of Extraverts

Do you ever come home from work or a party and feel mentally drained because you had to talk to SO MANY PEOPLE? Being in a room full of extroverted, talkative, and energetic people can be an exhausting experience for someone who is more introverted. If you are the latter, it’s easy to get lost in the crowd. Here are 3 ways to overcome your anxiety and engage more easily:

Start small
When you’re with a group, are you unsure of what to say? You don’t have to take on the whole group at once.

Personally: Scope out the room and find one or two people to talk with. Introduce yourself and chat about something you’re passionate about. Take the focus off yourself; ask a question and really listen to their response. 

Professionally: If you find yourself terrified to share your ideas at large meetings, then practice, practice, practice! Gather one or two trusted co-workers and present to them. Get their feedback. You’ll begin to feel more confident in your abilities, and speaking in front of everyone may not feel as daunting.

Don’t let people interrupt you
If you’re not used to speaking up, you’re easy prey for extroverts. If you say nothing and let them talk over you, they won’t notice that you were trying to talk and you will never get anywhere. 

Personally: When you are with a group of friends who keep interrupting you, call them on it. They probably didn’t realize that they spoke over you. You’ll know who your true friends are by their reaction.

Professionally: Your colleagues are no exception to this rule. Speak up and say something like, “Those are all really valid points. I also have some thoughts.” Continue to remind anyone who interrupts you that it is your turn to speak.

Have realistic expectations
If you know that you get overwhelmed by a group of extroverts, don’t overdo it. There is nothing wrong with needing some time by yourself. 

Personally: If you go to a party when you do not feel like being around people, you will just be in a bad mood all evening. Why put your friends and yourself through that? Skip the party and stay in for the night. The next time you get invited out, you’ll likely feel more inclined to socialize.

Professionally: Go to lunch by yourself if you need time to recharge. An hour away from the office could be just what you need to refuel and get ready to WOW your extroverted co-workers at the afternoon planning session.

4 Ways To Step Up From Manager To Leader

 

I first met Alison Levine producing one of our public television shows, “Living Courageously: The Spirit of Women,” and I was awed by her ability to take risks. She had a Wall Street job, was able to climb Mount Everest; now she inspires women to follow their passion, step up, and be their best selves. In her own words, “I was climbing first, but I was tired of being broke, scrounging for sponsorship dollars and praying I could find used gear to use on my trips since I could not afford to buy these items new. I went to grad school intending to ‘re-invent myself’ and try something that was completely out of my comfort zone… Of course Wall Street did not last long; less than three years, and I was back in the adventure world again.”

We recently caught up with Alison, and she talked about two new adventures that she’s involved in. She says, “The first is a climb in Antarctica that is different from anything else I’ve ever done. It’s a first ascent of an unclimbed peak over there, and I’m leaving for that at the end of December. Antarctica is the coldest, windiest place on Earth.” She’s also making a documentary film, “The Glass Ceiling,” which tells the story of Pasang Lhamu Sherpa—mother of three who broke through all kinds of cultural barriers to become the first Nepali woman to summit Mount Everest.

Alison has a lot to say about risk-taking, especially how to step up from manager to becoming a leader. Here are her tips:

1. Don’t complain when things are super stressful.
Leaders know how to suck it up and get the job done, even during nerve-wracking, uncomfortable times. If you can put a smile on your face and achieve big things during times of crisis, you will stand out from the crowd and people will know you’ve got what it takes to lead. 

2. Be proactive.
Step up to the plate and ask for extra responsibilities or projects that will allow you to showcase your talents. 

3. Be nimble, be flexible, be adaptable.
Forget about being hell-bent on sticking to your plan, because whatever plan you came up with last year/last month/last week is already outdated in today’s business world where everything moves at warp speed. 

4. Give yourself permission to fail.
If you are afraid to fail, you’re never going to be brave enough to take the kinds of risks that leaders need to take.

 

 

 

Alison Levine at the Hollywood premiere of "Everest"

 

Climbing photo: Khumbu Icefall on the Nepali side of Mount Everest (Jack Norton)

 

6 Bully Traps And How To Escape Them

 

 

Bullies love to push your buttons, to make you fear or react to them. When they succeed, they set a rigged game in motion, and you play it. Don’t you fall into their traps.

Knowledge is power. You can learn to recognize and avoid a bully’s six traps. If you fall into one, you can spring it. 

Trap 1: Giving away your power
You wouldn’t let someone step on your foot. Don’t let a bully step into your mind. If you swallow a bully’s judgments or allow him to shape how you see yourself, you aid and abet him. You get to define yourself. If someone bullies you, realize they’re the problem. Don’t mentally eat their garbage or let it become yours.

Trap 2: Denial
When a bully first messes with you, you may want to give him a “free pass.” Don’t.  When you stand by, not wanting to admit what’s happening, you give your bully the upper hand. 

If a bully yells at you, don’t stand there and take it. Instead say, “I’ll come back when you’re not yelling.”

“I don’t deserve that,” says “I see you for who you are and what you’re doing” to someone making mean comments. 

Trap 3: Expecting the bully to change
Hoping for good treatment from a bully because you’re a nice person is like entering a ring with a bull and hoping he’ll leave you alone because you’re a vegetarian. Bullies don’t want to change. You give your bully power when you leave it to him to decide to improve. You get to decide how you want your life to be and do what you need to do to change things. That’s power.

Trap 4: Stooping to the bully’s level 
Don’t let a bully push you into bad behavior. Bullies have years of experience fighting dirty, enabling them to win if you climb into the ring. If you act as they do, you may become as much of a problem as the bully.

Trap 5: Pleading
If you plead or beg, you let your bully know he has the upper hand. Bullies respect only strength and power. What makes bullies change? – Negative consequences to them. Instead of expecting compassion, show the bully what they win if they treat you differently.

Trap 6: Letting the bully isolate you
In the same way a wolf steers a calf away from the herd, bullies isolate their targets. If you allow this, the bully can spread rumors about you or even convince others you’re the problem. Jump out of this trap by making friends with coworkers and building a strong reputation. 

 

Lynne Curry is the author of Beating the Workplace Bully, AMACOM. She also has a website.

 

 

 

You might also enjoy reading this post: 3 Strategies for Turning the Tables on a Workplace Bully

4 Reasons to Give Up Shame

If you’re human, you’ve experienced the feeling of shame in your life. It might have been in your family, at work, or from a friend trying to guilt you out in order to get you to do what they wanted you to do. Shame is that horrible feeling of “There’s something terribly wrong with me,” or “I’m inherently flawed and broken and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Instead of self-acceptance and unconditional positive regard for self, we judge ourselves to be “less than” and not “good enough”—especially when we compare ourselves to someone we’ve idealized. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt says, “I’ve done something wrong and terrible.” Shame says, “I am wrong and terrible.” 

Too many of us beat ourselves up for not doing better in our careers, significant relationships, or for not taking better care of our bodies and our overall health. We feel bad (ashamed) that we’re not more disciplined with our money or because we don't get to the gym like we promised. 

We can tell ourselves that we’re not enough because we're not as “successful” as our potential suggests we can be. None of that is good or helpful. If you’re thinking it’s time to drop the shame, here are four good reasons to do just that:

Shame lies to you
Shame tells you you’re bad and you deserve the criticism you throw at yourself. It tells you to drive yourself harder because you’re not disciplined, and, therefore, not worthy of your own respect, much less the respect of others.

Shame tells you that if you make yourself feel bad enough for all your mistakes, weaknesses, and failures you’ll be motivated to be a better person. All lies—but worse than that—they’re all damning lies. They consign you to your own personal torment having to earn your way to forgiveness and peace of mind.

Shame makes you “less” than others
When you criticize yourself—and I’m not talking about helpful feedback—you are unintentionally shaming yourself. Such as when you say, “When will you ever learn?” like you’re this terribly stupid person who doesn’t care, you feel awful. You don’t think others are stupid or uncaring, but shame can make you feel that way about yourself.

Shame mistakes your behavior for who you are
You are not your thoughts, beliefs or behaviors; as important as they are. You arrive in this world perfect, and you still are. I’ve never heard anyone reasonable judge or criticize a baby for anything, have you? We are patient, kind, and thoughtful with babies but that often gets lost as they grow up. 

We start thinking someone’s bad behavior makes them a bad person. Then, we start thinking that way about ourselves. We forget we are not our behaviors, we are far more than that. 

Shame brings out your worst, not your best
You can’t criticize and shame yourself into doing better. To bring out your best requires you to inspire yourself, not berate yourself. If you want to do better you have to feel better about yourself. 

That's something shame will never help you do, because it's designed to make you feel as bad about yourself as it can. Shame will only bring out the worst in you, never the better.

                                   

                                                                  - Alan Allard, Executive Coach

 

 

 

You might also enjoy reading this post: How to Disarm Guilt Trippers

5 Ways to Heal Your Broken Heart

My good friend and colleague, licensed psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, MA, MFT is like me – devoted to helping people find the love of their lives…

And in her work with thousands of women and men, Katherine has found that sometimes it’s a breakup that allows us to do just that.

She pioneered this new and healing way to navigate the ending of a relationship, a way to consciously uncouple with the kind of compassion, kindness and courage that will not only heal your heart, but open you up to creating deeper love in the future.

Katherine developed the Conscious Uncoupling Process five years ago and has refined it every year until it has become the most powerful, proven and effective approach to parting ways more and more people are discovering every day.

And today she’s letting me share with you the 5 core steps that make Conscious Uncoupling possible, so that you or someone you know can begin to heal from past or present heartbreak:

Don’t Give in to Hate: Instead, find or create a safe space for you to deeply feel, witness, and stop fighting challenging emotions so that you can begin to shift them and use their energy for good.

Take Responsibility for Your Part in the End of Your Relationship: When you uncover disempowering scripts you hold inside you that have caused your suffering, then you can learn to reframe them into empowered self-reflection, aligning yourself with your deepest truth and power.

Heal the Original Hurt in Your Heart: Identify the initial wounding you experienced, and the underlying beliefs you adopted to cope with that wounding. These beliefs have probably been cropping up in your current relationships, sabotaging your chance at true happiness.

Clear the Air: It’s powerfully healing to clear the air between you and your former partner. By simply talking-even over the phone-and listening openly to how each of you felt impacted by the other, and not being reactive, you can actually clear away the hurts and resentments.

Be Proactive: Rather than waiting for time to heal your broken heart, know that you can be proactive in your own healing, transforming your pain into grace, happiness and the power to reinvent your life.

 

To get more of Arielle Ford's great advice, visit her website. Look for Arielle's new book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate coming soon.. 

Photo Credit: Carl Studna 

 

You might also enjoy reading: How To Find Your Soulmate

6 Power Tips From Highly Successful Women

What would you change if you felt more confident? Would you have a better job with more responsibilities, making more money? Would your personal life look different? Would your conversations be more honest? If you said “yes” to any of these questions, let’s look at some of the reasons why you aren’t where you’d like to be. You probably want to address both the external and internal factors. Externally, women face cultural prejudices that impede our advancement – we are confronted by gender inequities every day. The women leaders I’ve interviewed have been able to move through this resistance, and their positive mindset has enabled them to do this. Here’s how they approach challenges:

·         Fear can be your ally. Take the initiative to speak up, even if you are shaky. What you are advocating is more important than your fear. Come from a position of service. Act as if you can do it and you will be able to.

·         Leadership presence is attainable. Pay attention to what women at higher levels say and do – adapt their styles to what works for you. Dress the part, be self-aware, understand your audience, listen, and maintain composure

·         The truth will catapult your growth. Feedback helps you advance. Use your intuition to discriminate between what is useful and what is not. Ask for feedback if you’re not getting it.

·         Saying “no” can be a good thing. Protect your time, set boundaries, and make your “no” someone else’s yes.

·         Alliances with power players are mutually beneficial. Take every opportunity to make yourself visible to the power players around you. Be strategic and see how your skills and expertise can be useful to a higher-up you want to work with. Build a relationship with that person based on mutual trust.

·         Intuition is your edge. When you follow your inner compass, you feel more confident taking the smart risks necessary to advance. Listen to your inner voice and use it to help make wise decisions.

 

Adapted from The Confidence Myth, Helene Lerner, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. 2015

Time for a new job

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The reason why you’re not moving when you know you should, is because you’re listening to the voice of fear, rather than the voice of strength. You need to acknowledge your fear, but not let it stop you, and connect with the strong impulse in you that knows you can get something better.

4 signs it’s time to leave your job, and why you’re not

You’ve outgrown your job

Voice of fear – says you know you can do your job blindfolded, but if you step out of your comfort zone, you may not be able to handle what’s out thereVoice of strength – says yes, I’ve outgrown my job and the skills that I’ve learned will help me in whatever move I make, what I don’t know I can delegate or learn

Management is abusive

Voice of fear – people shouldn’t talk to me in the way they do, but they’re so stressed out, they don’t realize what they’re saying. I can be the bigger person and take it.Voice of strength – under no circumstances can anyone treat me in an abusive way. Even though it might be tight financial times, I can find another situation that is better than this, even though I might not know what is out there.

You’re being pigeon-holed

Voice of fear – maybe they’re right that what I’m suggesting will not work out; it’s never been tested. I’ll sit back and do what I’ve done, whether it’s working or not.Voice of strength – I’ve offered many suggestions on how to do things differently and better. I see myself as an innovator, but I’m boxed in here. I can find another situation which will appreciate my thinking out of the box.

Your original supporters are no longer there

Voice of fear – I don’t have the sponsors or the mentors that I had in the past. There have been so many changes, many people have left the company. Voice of strength –I don’t agree with the new management team and where the business is going. In order for me to survive, I’d have to keep my thoughts quiet. I know it’s time to move on, and I’ll start networking. 

 

- Helene Lerner

 

You might also enjoy reading this post: 4 Signs You Need A New Job For The New Year

3 Strategies For Turning The Tables On A Workplace Bully

“You sure screwed up,” Wayne snarled. 

Marie’s stomach plummeted, as all eyes turned to her. She braced herself for what was coming. Wayne loved to put people on the defensive in front of others.

Bullies like Wayne excel at preemptive attacks that leave their targets defensive, flustered, and tongue-tied. Do you work alongside a bully? Learn to turn the tables and take control.  

 

Ask a question
What happens if I slam you with a putdown and you respond with a question?  Although it may seem like I’m still in charge, you’ve just taken control of our encounter. 

Suppose a bully knows you’re sensitive about your appearance, and says to you, “You look like a dog.” You might redden and tighten your jaw in response to this snarky comment. If others are watching, they may pity you. What if you instead ask, “What breed?” By asking a question, you sidestep the attack and take control of the conversation.  

Ignore blame and move toward a solution
Suppose you work for a bully boss who regularly yells at you, “Is that all you got done?” If you respond, “You don’t understand how long these things take,” you sound defensive. If, however, you ask “What would you like me to work on next?” you diplomatically move toward a solution.

Call the bully on his game
Bullies often smirk and say, “Just kidding,” after they jab you. If you protest, they blame you for feeling stung, asking, “Why are you making a big deal about this?” Challenge this maneuver. Imagine the bully says, “You’re a fool,” and you say, “that’s not true and it’s rude.” If the bully then says “just kidding,” you can respond “I don’t think so.”

How could Marie have handled Wayne? She could have asked, “Wayne, what would you have done differently?” Chances are, Wayne wouldn’t have had a response. 

If Wayne kept attacking, she could have told him to cut it out, by saying, “Wayne, give it a rest.” 

 

© 2015, Lynne Curry; Dr. Lynne Curry is author of Beating the Workplace Bully, AMACOM, and founder of www.workplacecoachblog.com.  

 

 

You might also enjoy reading this post: 10 Ways To Deal With Rude People

4 Signs You Need a New Job For the New Year

A few months ago, I suggested it’s probably time for you to get a new job if you fell into one of five categories. 

Here are four other reasons you should consider leaving your job for a new one:

Your talent and drive has no place to go in your company:
You know you’re amazing and your boss knows it, but there’s no place in your company for you to do what you do best. Perhaps you’re a budding or full out genius when it comes to operations but there’s no foreseeable openings for that in your company. Or maybe you are a creative whiz with great ideas and you’re in a culture of “If it’s not broken, don’t mess with it.” Your company might be great in some ways but it’s not great for you. It’s time for you to leave.

You’re amazing but your boss doesn’t get that:
If your boss loves you, but he or she isn’t able to see how capable you are, you’re in a bad job. The biggest impact on your work success is your immediate supervisor or boss. She’s the primary person who can open up doors for more responsibility and visibility within your company. You’d be better off with a boss that didn’t like you, but respected and rewarded your talent and drive, and could make things happen for you. If you don't have that kind of boss, it’s time for you to find one.

You’re amazing but your boss isn’t:
Your boss isn’t likely to be able to see greatness in you if they don’t have it in themselves to some extent. Even if they do, what influence would your boss have with senior management? If he or she is good at their job but not great, who is going to listen to her? You need a boss that can get the attention from the ones that can really boost your career. If that’s not your boss, you really should think about leaving.

You want to be challenged more:
The truth is that most companies and managers don’t get anywhere near the best out of their employees. When was the last time your boss challenged you to be more and to do greater things because he or she knew you had it in you? I’m not saying you shouldn’t challenge yourself. It’s your responsibility to do just that. However, a great boss can see things in you that you don’t see in yourself, and inspire and challenge you to become even greater. Find that boss, but to do that, you just might have to leave your current job behind. 

                                                                 - Alan Allard, Executive Coach

 

You might also enjoy reading this post: 7 Telltale Signs it is Time to Leave Your Job

4 Ways Women Block True Love

Find out the mistakes you might be making that prevent you from finding true love from Soulmate Coaches, Orna and Matthew Walters.

1. Making It Too Easy
In every relationship whether heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, both parties have masculine and feminine energy. A man in his masculine wants to feel that there is a place for him to contribute and do things. If you want a man to take the lead in relationship, then do less so he has to step up and do more. This way he is in the lead and you will never have to question his intentions with you. You will know by his actions toward you. Instead of making it easy for him by doing too much, relax back into your feminine and allow yourself to receive.

2. Twisting Into A Pretzel To Get Love
When we have the spark of attraction with someone we start to jockey our behavior in an attempt to be pleasing to the other person. We think, “How can I present myself?” “How can I behave to get this person to love me?” If you don't show up authentically from the beginning, then it's impossible to receive the real love and acceptance that you desire. All of us want to be loved for who we really are, and showing up as your authentic self is the key.

3. Pretending We Don’t Have Any Needs
At the start of a relationship we see a lot of women wanting to appear low-maintenance. This is a huge disservice to yourself because your partner doesn't know how to please you. By speaking your needs they will learn how to make you happy. Love and attraction does not come with mind-reading capabilities. By speaking your needs you can see if this person steps up to deliver on your request. This way you can quickly identify who is a match for you, and who is not.

4. Avoiding Conflict
We are told sayings like, “Pick your battles.” This perpetuates the idea of being in a war with your partner. Conflict is a doorway to deeper connection. By avoiding conflict we are not honoring ourselves by speaking how we feel. Our soul desires connection, but our ego desires to be right. Be willing to have the uncomfortable conversations. When you speak your truth, you open the doorway to real intimacy with your partner.

                        -- Orna and Matthew Walters, Getting It Right This Time® 

 

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