Helene Lerner's Blog, page 61
January 7, 2016
5 Ways to Stop Doing Things You Do Not Want to Do
When faced with a demanding boss, pushy co-worker or difficult mother-in-law, we face a tough decision – do we resist or submit to the pressure we feel?
Out of a sense of social obligation or fear of unintended consequences, we often find ourselves under “pressure” to do something we did not really want to do, or have time to do. The result is pent up frustration, resentment, guilt and anger.
A new truth to learn: the “right” thing to do, should also be right for you. Here are FIVE ways to handle pressure situations.
What's pressuring them?
Finding the source allows you to lift the pressure valve. For instance, your boss is pressuring you to stay longer hours, which impacts your work-life balance. So, what does he really need? Is he facing his own deadline, or is he concerned about your productivity? You could request additional resources for a deadline or work on your performance during normal work hours.
Let your voice be heard
When we don’t speak up, others assume we have accepted the situation. “You should have come to me,” managers will say when they finally realize you are upset. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it may be time for your voice to be heard. At work or at home, practice expressing disagreement and your opinion, don’t just go back to your own corner and sulk. Just like we tell children, use your words!
Be assertive, not aggressive
Assertion is a learned skill, and it allows you to be yourself without being argumentative, hostile, or offensive. Start letting go of your guilt and start saying “no” to pressure. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. The key to being assertive is to use clear, honest, specific, and respectful communication.
Set and maintain boundaries
As you start asserting yourself, it is important to capitalize on this strength and create some boundaries. If you decide you will not be available to work nights, be specific with your boss about that boundary. If your partner is making demands outside of your budget, be realistic and firm with the new rules you would like to assert. Work and family may hold out for a moment of weakness to encroach these boundaries. In these instances, be consistent by enforcing your boundaries without becoming frustrated.
“No, and…”
Presenting an alternative can help ease the pressure. Validating the request prior to saying no helps the receiving party feel understood. By saying, “No, and...”, you can suggest an alternative that allows you to stand your ground AND find a compromise. There are various ways to say no, but when you say it with open body language and confidence, it creates a sense of authenticity.
To handle pressures specific to your daily life email me at choice@leenaroy.net for a complimentary consult. For more empowerment tips and strategies to elevate your career, join me @CoachLeena
- Leena Roy, CFA/CPC is a Professional Coach for Managers. A program designed to elevate and empower Mid-level Managers & Professionals to achieve their highest potential. Read more on www.leenaroy.net
5 Ways Trust is the Key to a Lasting Relationship
I find that healthy relationships are important to my happiness and wellbeing. We are social animals, hard-wired neurologically to be social and to thrive in communities. That's why I make it a priority to spend time with my family, be part of a women's barbershop chorus, nurture my friendships, and collaborate with partners in my work. Do you find this true for yourself?
Healthy relationships, whether they are with individuals or groups at home, friendships or at work, must be based on trust. Trust takes time to build and just seconds to damage. Conversations are the way we generate trust and actions are the way to sustain it.
Judith Glaser offers a trust checklist in her recent book, Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results.
Here are the 5 ways to build trust:
1. Transparency: This is the quality of being upfront in your communication - not attempting to hide anything. Sometimes, this gets confused with vulnerability, which involves exposing the tender places we are feeling deeply. There’s inherent risk involved; there’s a possibility you may be hurt, but mutual trust can open the door for being vulnerable.
2. Relationship: Forge connections with others in the spirit of partnership and making commitments to work together toward a common purpose. Disclosing your needs and asking what the other needs is a good way to approach this.
3. Understanding: This means understanding reality from the other's perspective. This requires a mindset of curiosity and patience to listen through their point of view. Paraphrasing what you heard the other say will let them know that you got what they meant. Then, move to strategies, problem solving, or decision making.
4. Shared success: Discuss a vision of what success would mean and look like for both of you. This can mean thinking together about how to make the goals a reality. This is also the foundation for aligning on the purpose and goals of your relationship and your work together.
5. Truth telling and testing assumptions: Make a continuing practice of comparing your perspectives of reality and closing any gaps. This also involves noticing the difference between opinion and facts. Test your assumptions by verifying them with your partner.
I find that expressing gratitude and appreciation for others helps to generate good feelings between you and promotes the deepening of a healthy relationship. Make your relationships the best yet this year!
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR) www.strategicleadershipresources.com
4 Ways to Build Healthy Work Relationships
January 6, 2016
4 Ways to Build Healthy Work Relationships
Over the last three months, you've gotten close to "Suzanne" and enjoyed confiding in her. She's shared personal stories with you. Suzanne's become more than a coworker; you count on her as one of your best friends.
Last week, she took you out after work. She knew you were having a tough time personally and you let your guard down when she asked you questions. Driving home, you wondered if you'd shared too much.
You got your answer this morning. "Diana" came in to the break room when you were pouring a cup of coffee, said, "Oh you poor dear," and then gave you a hug. You stood there stunned as she continued, and you realized she'd heard information from Suzanne.
Most of us have made the "overshare" mistake. And like toothpaste squeezed out of the tube, we can't shove spoken words back into our mouth.
How close is "too" close? What boundaries do we need to maintain in the workplace?
What you share
Personal information flies through an office like a brush fire. Before you share personal information, consider not just "do I want this person to know this?", but "how will I feel if this person shares what I've said with even one other person?" Does this mean you can't open up? No. It only means you can't expect what you’ve shared to be treated with greater confidentiality than you’ve given it yourself.
Expected allegiance
You may have an office BF (best friend). Occasionally, this can throw you into a compromising position in which your friend expects you to take her side if she has an issue with someone at work.
Further, others may have the perception, right or wrong, that you'll take the side of those you personally click with. If this happens, anyone skirmishing with your BF can put a wall, with you on the other side.
What does this mean in real terms? If you have a work BF, keep most of your BFing outside the workplace.
Facebook
Sometimes you want to share personal information on Facebook or other social media. If you're friends with others from work, what you post can backfire, and even be given to your boss. Depending on how you like to use Facebook, Twitter or other social media, it may be safest not to friend those you work with.
He’s interested…but you’re not
One of the men in your office had lunch with you twice last month. Now, he’s texting you, asking you how you are, and wanting to chat. You realize he possibly wants to be friends, but you sense a subtext. And he’s married.
Your gut has already spoken. Back off now. Work friends discuss their boss, politics, and hobbies, not their marriages. It’s time to let him know you’ve don’t have time to text.
How close is too close? That depends on the risks you’re willing to take. Once you cross a boundary, you’ve entered a new zone, with all the consequences.
© 2015, from Lynne Curry, author of Beating the Workplace Bully and Solutions and founder of www.workplacecoachblog.com.
7 Strategies for Turning the Tables on a Workplace Bully
3 Ways to Deal With a Slacker Colleague
How to Work Harmoniously With a Younger Boss
5 Ways Successful People Stay Focused
As we start our new year with some fresh New Years resolutions, it is easy to get off to a good start and then lose focus as we tackle more things and feel the strain of more pressures. This requires setting boundaries. What do I mean by boundaries? It involves knowing and holding our own limits. Our boundaries mark where we end and others begin. Instead of separating us from others, boundaries allow us to connect in a deeper way. Haven’t you noticed that you respect others more when they set and reinforce their boundaries?
Here are 5 steps to remaining focused, setting limits and holding on to your boundaries:
1. List your limits - the lines you must draw to stay focused.
Without good boundaries, we become exhausted, resentful, and implicated in other people’s problems. For example, limits can be: I will get to bed no later than 10:00 pm. Or I will complete one task at a time and only take on the next when I am satisfied I am finished. And I will not engage in gossip. I will politely extricate myself, ending the discussion.
2. Acknowledge any tension you feel.
According to Charles Jones at the Institute for Adaptive Mastery, emotions carry messages and show up through physical tension. Pay attention to signs such as a stiff neck, tightness in your shoulders and back, which can signal you are feeling stress. Tightness in your stomach and chest may signal fear. You can tell this more easily by breathing into these areas of your body and then letting go of your breath fully, relaxing that area. Keep doing this until you feel a release. You then may be able to name the emotion, which will let you know when a boundary needs reinforcing. For example, if you feel anxious, the message is that you are not feeling on track to mitigate a risk. You can then ask yourself, what are my concerns about "what ifs...?” How can I address them?
3. Listen to your subconscious voice - your gut.
Our subconscious works many times faster than our conscious mind, and our gut is almost always right. Trust the voice of your deeper self and don't second-guess yourself.
4. Start small by drawing limits on minor things.
This allows you to practice setting boundaries so you will feel more confident setting limits on the bigger things. For instance, I will say no to tasks that push me into weekend work or I will not bring work home or work beyond 6:00 pm.
5. Align yourself with people who support your boundaries.
You can reinforce who you are by associating with others who support you and respect your feelings. You must know exactly what you will not allow in your life and disengage from anyone who takes over, tries to manipulate, or doesn't behave with respect. Watch out for others who try to guilt-trip or pressure you. Know who they are and avoid them until you are stronger.
The more you practice clarifying your limits, and establishing the boundaries that improve your focus and wellbeing, the more your connections with others at work and at home will be fulfilling, healthy, and authentic.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
January 5, 2016
3 Things To Give Up To Get More Of What You Want
In the New Year, we want to think bigger, be more daring, or to even quit some old ways of behaving which don’t work. Here are 3 ways to stop self-sabotage and get more of what you want.
GIVE UP: I can’t
The world’s progress has come from those who think “I can,” while others around them were thinking “I can’t.” If you want your relationship to improve, to lose weight, to become a persuasive speaker on the stage or in the meeting room, or to make your dream vacation come true, you have to find a way to believe you can do what you want to do. Replace “I can’t” with I can and will” and see what happens in 2016.
GIVE UP: That’s not who I am
You might be an introvert, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be more expressive at times or that you can’t learn how to be more sociable in larger groups. You can if you realize that you are who you choose to be, and that opens up a wide range of options. It isn’t smart to say, “I won’t play politics because that’s not who I am” because every company has its own culture or political environment, whether you like it or not. Replace “That’s not who I am,” with “Is it in my best interest to change and grow my capabilities for this situation?”
GIVE UP: My opportunities are limited
I’m not going to tell you your opportunities are not limited because they are. So are mine and everyone else’s—just not nearly as limited as we often tell ourselves. Dr. King, Amelia Earhart, Helen Keller, or anyone else we admire aren’t remembered because they let their limited opportunities keep them from using the opportunities they did have. Maybe you wanted to become a doctor and you didn’t and you feel it’s too late now. Even if it is, it’s not too late for you to discover another dream that’s been patiently waiting for you. Replace “My opportunities are limited,” with “Let me open my eyes and see what opportunities I’ve not seen yet.”
- Alan Allard, Executive Coach To hear more from Alan, sign up for his newsletter at www.alanallard.com
4 Ways to End the Year on a High Note
4 easy ways to give yourself the credit you deserve
Stop listening to negative comments by other people. Some people are jealous and want to bring you down. Let what they say go in one ear and out the other. They are too busy picking on you to do anything productive in their own lives.
Write down everything you accomplish today. Take an inventory of all the productive things you are doing. Really, take that in.
Practice Mirror-Talk. Congratulate yourself in a mirror. This may sound strange but you are getting in the habit of owning your accomplishments and sharing them, even if it’s to your reflection! Next, to other people!
Tell it like it is. Slip one of your accomplishments into a conversation with others. If you don’t give yourself credit, no one else will.
January 4, 2016
3 Habits To Boost Your Mood
The start of a year is a good time to remind myself of what is most important to my life. I was inspired this year by some research in 2015 that verifies what we know to be true - that our mental, physical, and spiritual health is critical to everything we do. We can better inspire and lead others when we enjoy high mental clarity, physical energy, and social connections.
Here are 3 habits that I highly recommend, and the recent science behind their positive health effects:
1. Meditate at least 20 minutes a day and focus on pleasurable emotions. There are over 3,000 studies of the positive benefits of meditation. In addition to many positive health effects, recent research has indicated that meditation may help people stay mentally sharp. Brain scans taken in a UCLA study revealed that years of meditation are associated with smaller reductions in gray matter throughout the brain. The study suggests that meditation could reduce the risk for age-related cognitive decline by preserving brain tissue involved in memory, decision-making, and sensory perception.
Gazing out over a beautiful lake and mountains or appreciating an artistic masterpiece can trigger pleasurable emotions with immune-boosting, anti-inflammatory effects that help prevent heart disease and depression, among other chronic health issues. Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have found that awe-inspiring experiences can help us live longer.
2. Stand more, move more, and take long walks in nature. Researchers have found that sitting may be worse for us than smoking, and walking in nature makes us happier by driving out obsessive, negative thoughts. Remaining sedentary for extended periods can dramatically increase the risk for chronic health issues, including heart disease, diabetes, and depression. In addition, I didn’t realize that the negative effects of prolonged sitting aren’t offset by intense exercise before or after work. Those of us with desk jobs should be on our feet for at least two hours daily, either by taking occasional strolls or using a standing desk.
Also, a Stanford University study found that strolling in a natural setting decreases activity in a brain region particularly active during rumination, and for those of us with a tendency to brood, interrupting an endless stream of negative thoughts reduces the risk for depression and other mental illnesses.
3. Make it a priority to express appreciation, gratitude and nurture relationships with friends and family. We are, by evolution, social beings. Scientists at UCLA contend that our brains are designed to be social, and the need for human contact is greater than the need for safety. For example, expressions of gratitude and appreciation for others cause the brain to release Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, and Endorphins, which are the quartet of powerful neurotransmitters responsible for our happiness. This helps us feel intense pleasure.
Conversely, when we work so many hours that we don’t make time for others, it can result in poor physical health. A University of Chicago study found that loneliness increases the risk of death by up to 14 percent. Unwanted solitude can trigger the “flight or fight” response, associated with a stress-reaction, causing inflammation and cellular changes that disrupt the production of white blood cells that protect the body from illness.
Making resolutions that are specific, measurable (quantifiable), achievable, relevant and time bound (SMART) assist in experiencing success. These 3 practices ensure we have the physical, mental, and social benefits that raise our energy and longevity.
Andrea Zintz, President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
How to Help a Friend Who is Depressed
3 Surefire Ways to be Kinder to Yourself
It's a New Year and a New You. Time to look at and let go of habits that aren't useful to you. And one of those may be that you are too hard on yourself. How do you silence your harsh critic?
Here are 3 surefire ways:
. Think of what you do right, not wrong. It's easy to keep looking at what you don't have, rather than what you do. Or what mistake you have made, rather than the fact that you tried. Every mistake has a lesson attached to it. Learn the lesson and move on.
. Think positive, what good thing do you want to bring into your life? Keep envisioning what you want--a new job, a new guy, a new home...whatever it is, keep that in the forefront of your mind. Don't get caught up with what you have now.
.Say YES to an opportunity that seems promising. Keep your eyes open for new experiences coming your way. If your knee-jerk reaction is to say NO, change that to a YES. You never know what is just around the corner for you.
All of these things help you to go with the positive and be kinder to yourself. After all,
YOU DESERVE THE BEST!
January 3, 2016
3 Ways to Instantly Feel Better About Yourself
[image error]Give Yourself the Credit You Deserve. If you don’t no one else will. Think about the times during the day when you are telling yourself, “you didn’t do it right,” or “you could have done more” etc. When you spot this type of negative thinking, change the channel. Say to yourself, for example, “I made a mistake but I’m learning. Next time I will know better.” Or “Yes, I could have done more but tomorrow is another day.”
Don’t take on someone else’s opinion of you. Nobody will ever “get” you like you know yourself. And everyone has their own agenda. They may be jealous of you, or don’t understand where you are coming from. Take what they say with a grain of salt, unless you know there is some real truth in it (you'll know if what they say sounds familiar and you've known you should be looking into it).
Act “as If” you feel better than you do. Use mantras or positive affirmations. Yes, feel your feelings but don’t let them rule your day. You can “act yourself into right thinking.” I love this affirmation and use it at times: “I am enough, do enough, have enough.” Isn’t that the truth, even when we don't quite believe it?
I look forward to practicing these tips with you. I need constant reminders to do this too!
December 31, 2015
Meet Our January Career Coach
I am Andrea Zintz, January's Career Coach. I am happy to be your resource as you pose questions, concerns, ideas, and goals about leading, navigating the workplace, relationships and career.
A little about me: I specialize in executive and high potential leadership strategy, succession and development. I have over 35 years experience in Leadership Development, Change Management, Human Resources Development and Training. I am the president of Strategic Leadership Resources.
I cultivated my experiences as a coach and in the development of executives and hi-potential leaders within the diversified healthcare and pharmaceutical, defense, and retail industries. As Vice President of Human Resources and Management Board member of the Johnson & Johnson subsidiary, Ortho Biotech, Inc., I helped lead the growth of the company from $40 million to $500 million in a 6-year period, and launched breakthrough biotech products. I also led executive leadership development for North America from J&J Corporate.
My special interests include executive women advancement, diversity/inclusion, and mentoring. My doctoral dissertation was about mentoring: What constitutes effective mentoring for women who are stuck in their careers within large corporate settings? I received my M.A. and Ph.D. from Fielding Graduate University.
A specialty of mine is how we can successfully adapt to our environment while progressing in the direction of our dreams. I help others to craft powerful and strategic questions you can ask yourselves (and others) to access the best thinking. Since all thought and actions are answers to questions that we run at all times, questions are a strong leverage-point for thinking; if we change our questions, we can change everything that flows from them.
I live in New Jersey, am married to an elementary school teacher and have two wonderful daughters. I look forward to hearing from you and offering some good questions to reflect upon and suggestions. So feel free to ask!
Warmly,
Andrea Zintz
President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com
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