3 Keys to Effective Communication

Do you realize that when you’re communicating with another person there are actually three conversations going on? 

Your internal conversation with yourself. (Did you ever drive home and barely remember how you got there, because you were having such an engrossing conversation with yourself?)The internal conversation the other person is having.The external conversation you and the other person are having aloud.

It’s amazing that any real communication occurs at all, given the distraction of all these different conversations! Taking this into account, here are three tips to ensure more effective communication:

Get past your internal conversations.

Are you able to hear what the other person is actually saying?If you notice your internal conversation is drowning out the external conversation, let it go and get back into the moment. Hear what the other person is saying. 

Notice the assumptions you’re making but not saying.

What are you assuming about that person and about what they are saying? We rarely operate like Sergeant Joe Friday, who listened for “just the facts.” We automatically add meaning to, draw conclusions from, and make assumptions about what others say—which can interfere with careful listening.

Know that those assumptions can influence a conversation.

What we think but don’t say often speaks loudly.Your assumptions can leak into the conversation, wreaking havoc on the outcome.If you can’t let go of the assumptions, find a way to talk about them.

If you go back and analyze an unproductive conversation you’ve had, often there was something you were not saying, but you were thinking, that affected the outcome of the conversation. Business theorist Chris Argyris refers to this as “the left hand column.” 

Try this as a practice: Make two columns on a piece of paper. On the right side write down your recollection of an important conversation that did not go well. In the right column you might write: 

She: I was told the meeting was cancelled.
Me: No problem. But we had to move ahead on the decision without you.

On the left side write down what you were thinking and not saying, such as, “I don’t believe her. She’s always making up excuses. This time she has to live with the result.” You may see that what you were thinking but not saying still influenced the outcome of the conversation. 

The answer may not be to put your “left hand column” on external speaker. But it’s important to find a way to test your assumptions or discuss them with the other person, because they’re not always accurate. And finding a way to talk about them openly provides an opportunity for mutual learning.

—Ilene Fischer, Partner, Mark Kamin and Associates