Helene Lerner's Blog, page 37

How to Compromise With Your Partner When You Don't Want To Give an Inch

Compromise. To some, it’s a dreaded word meaning “one or both of us will walk away from this unhappy and upset.” Is that what compromise should mean? Is it possible to come to a mutual decision where both people are genuinely happy? 

First, let’s agree on what compromise is not. Compromise never involves lowering your values, acting contrary to your beliefs, or going against your morals. We always honor our truth, never losing ourselves for anyone or anything. 

If compromise is reaching an agreed upon solution and does not involve weakness or losing yourself, what do you do when you just can’t agree? How do you compromise on issues not fundamental to who you are, but that you feel committed to and don’t want to give up?

1. Accept that you are two different people. And know that’s ok. See your differences as something that enrich your relationship. Although it may feel like you have to agree on everything to be thriving in your relationship, what really counts is respecting each other when you agree and especially when you don’t. 

2. Believe in yourself and in your partner. Know that both opinions matter. How you feel about the situation is equally as important as how your partner feels about it. Acknowledge this fact both within yourself and to your partner. You are setting the stage for a positive and respectful discussion.

3. Communicate. You now have the chance to play detective! Use this discussion as an opportunity to ask leading questions and uncover motives. How important is this issue to each of you? Is there something deeper at play? You may be surprised at what you discover.  

4. Be open to new solutions. Keep an open mind as you both contribute new ideas to the issue. Remember that coming up with multiple solutions does not mean you are abandoning your position. Rather, it’s a time for you to be creative together (you can even share some out of the box ideas and laugh a little!). Most importantly, it’s a time to create common ground. You may even come to a mutual decision that both of you like better.

5. Don’t hold a grudge or gloat. When you and your partner have determined a course of action, whether it’s a new solution or what one of you wanted initially, let go of the urge to be upset or use it to get something in the future (unless that was part of your compromise decision). Similarly, don’t keep rubbing your partners face in the fact that you got your way. Your relationship has a bigger purpose than to be a competition with a winner and a loser. You are choosing what is best for each of you, as well as your relationship as a whole.

 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson, Parent Educator and Positive Youth Development Specialist

When Sex Isn’t Enough: What Women Want

To really be heard and understood
After you come home from a long day at the office, you want someone to vent to. You don’t think he’s actually listening to you, until 2 weeks later when he mentions that annoying project you complained about. That means a lot.

Quality time
Daily routines can eat away at your being together and sharing something special. Have a date night, share a meal together, take a walk in the park - don’t take each other for granted.

To be appreciated
People show appreciation in different ways. What you need might not be what your partner wants. Make sure your significant other knows how important it is for you to be acknowledged for the things you do.

3 Things we Stress Over in a New Relationship and how to STOP

Dating someone new is exciting. But it’s also terrifying. We find ourselves overthinking the most trivial things, causing us unnecessary stress. So how do we stop it?

STRESSOR: Checking out their social media pages
It’s not a matter of if you’re going to do it, but when you’re going to do it. Part of you wants to know who it is you’re dating. You could potentially be protecting yourself from a really awful experience!

Stop right there. If you want to check him out, go for it. But making assumptions based off of pictures isn’t going to help you any. There’s a reason you decided to go out with him in the first place. So stick with that thought and relax.

STRESSOR: Virtual Friendships
Social Media, back at it again. You’ve gone on a couple of dates and you’re ready to send a friend request.  Is it too soon?

Stop right there. If you want to add him then go for it. Now “friending” them on every social media application might be excessive. But there’s no harm in reaching out if you really want to.

STRESSOR:  Reaching out after the date
You had a great time on your date and it’s been a couple of days with no response. Seriously?!

Stop right there. If you would like to see him again, then send him a text. You play just as much a role in this potential relationship as the guy. It’s 2016, reaching out to someone you’re newly dating isn’t weird. It simply means you had a nice time.

-Bre Glynn

How to Attract Someone You’re Crazy About

Be good to yourself. The better you take care of yourself, and give yourself what you need, the more attractive you will be to others. Self-care comes first.

Visualize exactly what you want.Take an inventory of everything you want in a partner, leave nothing unturned. Actually write down these traits. Make it as specific as you can. Clarity trumps vagueness.

Act "as if" it's about to happen. Get yourself ready. The person is almost here—can’t you feel it? If you can’t, pretend you can. Do everything as if you will be meeting this person, next week.

Delight in their excitement of you. Let yourself ponder being with someone who really “gets” and appreciates you…feels good, doesn’t it.

Think about what you will offer them. What do you bring to the table? How will you support their growth?

Follow your gut. Now that you’ve done the legwork, trust your instincts. If you feel you should stop by a shop, (for no reason), just go. If a friend wants to introduce you to someone, say thank you. Just follow your heart and it will lead you to that special someone.

3 Times You Should Listen to Your Intuition When You Sense Something is Wrong

Intuition, which is connected to our heart wisdom, never lies. We may choose to ignore it at times, but this inner knowledge is always available to us.

So when your inner voice keeping saying, “something is wrong here,” trust it. We get into trouble when we don’t.  Take these scenarios.

1. He is smiling…but you don’t trust one word that is coming out of his mouth. His future actions will speak louder than his words.

2. You sense a job isn’t right for you, but you sign up for it out of fear. After all, you must make money to support yourself.  You are furious at yourself, because the “hellish” job you are in now wasn’t right from the start.

3. A friend keeps showing up late for appointments and when you confront her, she claims nothing is wrong. You know better though. The position you decide to take is watch and wait, thinking more will be revealed.

How to Stay Positive with Unsupportive People

What about those people who we have to see each day for work, or because they are friends of friends--but we would NEVER choose them to be in our inner circle. How do you connect with them in a positive way even when you want to run for the hills?

Here are some tips:

1. Who are they, really? Ask yourself, 'Why am I so turned off by them?' Do they make me aware of a character flaw I have? Most likely, they do.

2. Compassion goes a long way. Turn the tables--why are they so unsupportive--does anyone take a real interest in them, probably not.

3. Compose a helpful mantra. It's great to repeat inwardly a positive statement which will help you get control of your urge to "attack." Something like, "this is a toxic person--I don't have to get angry."

10 Quotes From Prince That We Love

1. “Like books and black lives, albums still matter.”

2. “Despite everything, no one can dictate who you are to other people.”

3. “Cool means being able to hang with yourself. All you have to ask yourself is ‘Is there anybody I'm afraid of? Is there anybody who if I walked into a room and saw, I'd get nervous?’ If not, then you're cool.”

4. “One thing I'd like to say is that I don't live in a prison. I am not afraid of anything. I haven't built any walls around myself, and I am just like anyone else. I need love and water.”

5. "I don't really care so much what people say about me because it usually is a reflection of who they are. For example, if people wish I would sound like I used to sound, then it says more about them than it does me."

6. “It's a hurtful place, the world, in and of itself. We don't need to add to it. And we're in a place now where we all need one another, and it's going to get rougher.”

7. "Every day I feel is a blessing from God. And I consider it a new beginning. Yeah, everything is beautiful."

8. “My fans bring their sons and daughters to my shows now. That's how I grew up. I hope to be an inspiration to those people.”

9. "When you wake up, each day looks the same, so each day should be a new beginning. I don't have an expiration date."

10. "When you don't talk down to your audience, then they can grow with you. I give them a lot of credit to be able to hang with me this long, because I've gone through a lot of changes, but they've allowed me to grow, and thus we can tackle some serious subjects and try to just be better human beings, all of us."

What to do When Love Turns Sour

Ouch that hurts...it's really painful when love turns sour. It's hard to cope for many of us. What can we do during these times to make life a little easier? Here some things that may work for you.

1. Be extra kind to yourself. Most of us are too hard on ourselves, and when something goes wrong, we may take it out on ourselves, rather than place it on the other person. Like everyone says, when a relationship doesn't work it is rarely because of the behavior of one person, but rather a combination of traits that clash between two people.

2. Take inventory. You may notice that the same things keep coming up for you in relationships. Time to work these through, they will not go away magically. Counselors and therapists, even for a short period of time, may prove useful.

3. No back-burner. Now's the time to do something wonderful that you have been putting on the back-burner--like a short trip; spending time with your best friend who now lives in another state. 

4. Acknowledge the good stuff. Remember the magic, the good times. You can build on those with another person. Now there is a space in your life to do so.

5 Habits That Can Deaden Any Relationship

BEING UNCLEAR
"I'm disappointed in you." (without explaining why so someone can understand what you mean).

COMPARE AND DESPAIR
"He's so much more...(fill in the blank)" Comparing your partner to someone else, without giving them any credit.

THINKING THE WORST
"You'll NEVER be able to...(fill in the blank)" Not believe things can change.

LAYING ON GUILT
"If you had only (fill in the blank), I would be so much happier." Deep down, we all want to please, and it's the pit when someone tells us that's not possible.

MAKING THEM FEEL SMALL
"I shouldn't have expected that you could handle (fill in the blank)." It is our nature to grow and improve. When someone tells you that's not happening, it makes you feel you will never have an impact.

5 Reasons Being Sensitive is a Good Thing

Too often sensitive people are judged harshly. Often feedback is one-sided--"you are over-emotional--you take things to personally..." the list goes on. Well, it's time to acknowledge why being sensitive is a good thing, and here's why.

1. You FEEL. Many people walk around and they don't feel much of anything. They may stuffed their feelings down with food or substances because feeling can be scarey.

2. You LOVE. Your heart is out there. Yes, sometimes you may love too much--giving yourself to someone who takes advantage of your kindness, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't put yourself out there--just discriminate when you do.

3. You CARE. You try to be helpful more times than less. You are concerned about what happens to other people and try to make a difference.

4. You're INSIGHTFUL. You see the deeper meaning in situations and often understand what's going happening on different levels.

5. You TAKE CHANCES. More times than not, if someone is in need, you try to be there for them, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone.