How to Compromise With Your Partner When You Don't Want To Give an Inch

Compromise. To some, it’s a dreaded word meaning “one or both of us will walk away from this unhappy and upset.” Is that what compromise should mean? Is it possible to come to a mutual decision where both people are genuinely happy? 

First, let’s agree on what compromise is not. Compromise never involves lowering your values, acting contrary to your beliefs, or going against your morals. We always honor our truth, never losing ourselves for anyone or anything. 

If compromise is reaching an agreed upon solution and does not involve weakness or losing yourself, what do you do when you just can’t agree? How do you compromise on issues not fundamental to who you are, but that you feel committed to and don’t want to give up?

1. Accept that you are two different people. And know that’s ok. See your differences as something that enrich your relationship. Although it may feel like you have to agree on everything to be thriving in your relationship, what really counts is respecting each other when you agree and especially when you don’t. 

2. Believe in yourself and in your partner. Know that both opinions matter. How you feel about the situation is equally as important as how your partner feels about it. Acknowledge this fact both within yourself and to your partner. You are setting the stage for a positive and respectful discussion.

3. Communicate. You now have the chance to play detective! Use this discussion as an opportunity to ask leading questions and uncover motives. How important is this issue to each of you? Is there something deeper at play? You may be surprised at what you discover.  

4. Be open to new solutions. Keep an open mind as you both contribute new ideas to the issue. Remember that coming up with multiple solutions does not mean you are abandoning your position. Rather, it’s a time for you to be creative together (you can even share some out of the box ideas and laugh a little!). Most importantly, it’s a time to create common ground. You may even come to a mutual decision that both of you like better.

5. Don’t hold a grudge or gloat. When you and your partner have determined a course of action, whether it’s a new solution or what one of you wanted initially, let go of the urge to be upset or use it to get something in the future (unless that was part of your compromise decision). Similarly, don’t keep rubbing your partners face in the fact that you got your way. Your relationship has a bigger purpose than to be a competition with a winner and a loser. You are choosing what is best for each of you, as well as your relationship as a whole.

 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson, Parent Educator and Positive Youth Development Specialist