Helene Lerner's Blog, page 34

6 Habits of Negative People and Why to Stay Away

Most of us want to be happy. We want a good life filled with satisfying relationships. But there are those “nay-sayers” that try to pull us down. They have to pick on someone because they don’t dare look at themselves. It’s best to stay clear of them when we can.

What are the habits of these people? (We don’t want any of them to rub off on us). Let’s take a look.

 

 

 

1.They are constantly finding fault with others. We can attest to that!

2.They don’t seem to enjoy anything. They pick on what’s wrong in a situation, rather than what’s right.

3.They are not adventurous. They are usually involved in the “same old, same old.”

4.They are loners. No one in their right minds wants to be near them for long periods of time.

5.They harbor resentments. When around them you sense their anger.

6.They recount slights. They are “victims,” and take pride in their stories. 

 

 

 

Quotes to Help You Accept Sadness and Keep Moving Forward

1. “Now that I was famous, I was afraid I’d never find somebody again to love me for me. I was afraid of making new friends. Then one day my mom said, ‘Why do you think a person wouldn’t love you? Don’t you know how smart and sweet and beautiful you are?’ That’s when I decided I only have two choices: I can give up, or I can go on.” 
- Beyonce 

2. "There are two quotes that I want to say. One is a Dylan Thomas poem 'Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light,' which is one of my favorite poems, it just strikes a chord in me. And also Robert Frost's 'The only way out is through'. People have to go through things in order to become the person that they are today, and that's that."
- Sarah Hyland

3. “Experiencing sadness and anger can make you feel more creative, and by being creative, you can get beyond your pain or negativity.” 
- Yoko Ono

4. It's better to feel the sadness than to stuff it down and feel numb. Having the courage to go through it gets you to the other side.
- Helene Lerner

5. Sadness is a part of life, but it's not your whole life. One bad chapter doesn't tell your whole story. - Unknown

6 BIG Mistakes We Make During Tough Conversations

1. Focusing on the other person. (Using “you” too much)
It’s not beneficial to point the finger at the other person. Use “I” sentences i.e, “I feel like I’m not important to you”. Is much better than “you don’t care about me”.

2. Giving unwarranted advice
Your intentions may be good, but they will not be well received if the other person is not ready to hear them. Sometimes remaining silent is what’s needed. 

3. Talking it out before you’re ready
If you’re emotions are at a high point. It’s probably not the best time to sit down and talk. Wait until you calm down and get a little distance. 

4. Hoping the tension will dissolve with time
Often if you don’t confront the situation. It will probably repeat itself. So if the issue is important to you, have the courage to tackle it now. Rather than let things pile up. 

5. Assuming they know what you’re thinking
No one is a mind reader, so make your life easier and verbalize what you’re feeling. It will benefit you in the long run. 

6.  Not having a solution in mind
If you both come together with an idea of what you want it will be easier to meet in the middle. 

- Bre Glynn

Women Of Impact With Deb Bubb

 

The launch of our third video for our web series, Women of Impact: Inspiring Action and Change features Deb Bubb, Vice President, Director of Global Leadership and Learning at Intel. Deb is an authentic leader, and is beautiful both from the inside and out. It was inspiring to hear about her journey and how she navigated obstacles along the way.

Her father died at an early age, and Deb's mother moved the family every couple of years. Deb struggled with being shy but with the help of a few people who took an interest in her, she was encouraged to speak up and has developed into the powerful woman she is today. Now, she is responsible for the GROW Initiative that invites employees to grow individually, grow together and grow Intel. Diverse perspectives are encouraged and honored. 

Deb is married to her best friend, and together they faced the challenges of infertility.  However, after many treatment regimens, they were blessed with wonderful twins (a boy and a girl). She talks about getting through the insecurities of those first few years, (having a big job and young children). She feels that it's okay to be afraid as long as you don't let your fears stop you from moving forward.  

Today, Deb hopes to give back and leave the world in a better place. She's truly remarkable and I know she will inspire you. 

Take a look at the full interview below. 

 

 

What Confident Women Really Want in a Relationship

They are honest and loyal and expect their partners to be the same. They don’t waste their time playing games.

They want to communicate openly. Even when it’s a tough conversation, they feel it’s important to deal with it because they don’t want animosity to build up as a result of feelings not expressed.

They want to be appreciated. They give with a full heart and want to be acknowledged for doing that.

They want a partner who takes an interest in their work and outside activities. Although their partner need not be engaged in their causes, they would like to be able to share the little. day-to-day things that go on.

How to Treat Someone with Respect When you Feel Like Killing Them

Let’s face it, there are some people who just push our “buttons.” No matter how much we try to rationalize that it isn’t bothering us, it is. So how do you not “kill” the person you feel like strangling? Heed these tips in the heat if the moment.

Act “as if” you forgive them. You don’t actually need to forgive them straight away, but you can start imaging what it would be like if you did. It’s a start!

Remember, anger is an energy-burner. You only have so much energy. Wouldn’t you rather be spending it on things and with people you love?

Do the reverse of what you want to do. I start praying for the person even if I don’t want to. I try to see them having all of what I would like to have for myself. You see, I’ve learned that when I hold onto a grudge, the person that hurts the most is ME.

What do Men Really Want from a Relationship?

In our culture we have many myths about dating and love. I encounter the manifestation of mythology every day with my clients, both male and female. Regrettably, it’s the acceptance of these untruths that keep too many folks stuck in unhappy unions and make singles deathly afraid of dating. I feel strongly that part of my job as a therapist and writer is to be an educator, and part of the education I offer my clients and readers (and, frankly, anyone who will listen to me) is to completely dispel these harmful tales. And I’m in a great position to take on the title of “senior myth buster” because in my line of work I regularly see that they are simply obtuse fables and nothing more.

Myth: One of the myths I regularly encounter is women thinking that men only care about sex in a relationship.

Truth: Good sex is a great part of any healthy relationship, and I know just as many women as men who love sex and enjoy being coupled so they can have lots of it. Men want many things in a relationship (as do we!) and sex is undeniably one of them. But that doesn’t mean they “only want sex.”

Here are the top five things that men desire in a relationship:

Respect
One of Rodney Dangerfield’s most famous (and funny) lines is, “I don’t get no respect!” Many men lament to me that they feel disrespected by their wives and girlfriends and how hurtful that is. Men truly want to be looked up to and our culture rewards men who are revered. So consider showing some respect to the men in your life who earn it. We all yearn to feel valued by those we care about.

To be treated with kindness
If I had a dollar for every man who said to me, “I just want my wife to be nice to me!” I’d be a rich woman! Our men folk really want us to be nice to them and patient with them. Women desire this too – so let’s put our best foot forward for the sake of our relationships.

To be interested in their world
Undoubtedly there are Mars/Venus aspects to heterosexual relationships, and that is part of hetero life. But in order to make your man feel loved, show some interest in what he finds important. OK, you may not love sports in general or golf  in particular. His “water cooler” stories may cause you to stifle a yawn. But do try to put up a good front and act like you actually care.  Who knows, you may find you essentially have more in common than you originally thought!

To be accepted for who they are
Let’s face it, gals, we can be super critical! I certainly remember the first time I took my husband shopping with the hopes of changing his wardrobe. But I hear stories all the time of women telling men, “Why aren’t you funnier? Smarter? Harder working? We all want to be loved for who we are. So next time you start in on your guy, remember that life can be cruel and we should be part of his support system. So keep this in mind and don’t try to make them change too much.

Fidelity
The desire for fidelity from a partner is a universal concept and we all deserve to ask for this in a monogamous, committed relationship. I’ve seen too much heartbreak over infidelity. And isn’t it nice to know that men actually value monogamy!

 

 

 

- RACHEL A. SUSSMAN, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer with a private practice in New York City. For more information visit her website: http://www.sussmancounseling.com

3 Reasons Not to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Overthinking, Overdoing, Over…..you fill in the blank, it’s about thinking that we fall short of whatever the imaginary standard we are holding ourselves up to.  We need to stop that and watch when we are becoming “too” serious.

1. You deserve the best and you will not get that if you are looking for what you do “wrong”, rather than what you do right.

2. Life is about joy—it is our birthright to be happy. How can you be happy when you are sad and too SERIOUS?

3. You are a role model for younger women. How are they going to learn about balance and acknowledging themselves for a job well-done if we don’t set an example?

5 Signals That It’s Time to Leave Even Good Men

It’s so difficult for you to leave. You are loyal, but the relationship hasn’t been working for a long time. How do you get the courage to move on, especially when the person you are involved with is a good man?

1. As much as the two of you try to connect, it’s superficial. You have a longing that there is something more.

2. You know you both are unhappy, but he will never leave. You must take the initiative.

3. You fight constantly despite all the coaching you both have received. It really is exhausting.

4. He such a good guy, deep down--you feel guilty about leaving, but you can’t let that stop you.

5. You want to have children and this is not the relationship where they will flourish.

Why Being TOO Nice Hurts More Than it Helps

Some people take too much
We all know that person. If you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile. Don’t open yourself up to that and allow others to take advantage of your kindness.

No one learns anything
Do you sugar-coat things to spare others’ feelings? Stop! If you don’t give constructive criticism, no one will grow. That’s not to say that you have to be mean or hurtful, but you should be honest.

You aren’t being your authentic self
When you avoid being upfront with someone, it puts more stress on you and makes other people distrust you. If you don’t like something, speak up! People might not like it, but they’ll respect you for it.