Helene Lerner's Blog, page 32
May 6, 2016
Enjoy More Happy Brain Chemicals this Summer
1. Avoid negative comparisons to enjoy more serotonin
Summertime tempts you to compare your body to others and focus on your shortcomings. It helps to know that social comparison is a natural mammalian impulse. Mammals avoid conflict by comparing themselves to others and deferring to more powerful individuals. We have inherited a brain that seeks safety by scanning for signals of who is in the position of strength. When it’s you, your mammal brain releases serotonin and it feels good. But all too often it’s not you, because your mammal brain is skilled at noticing the strengths of others. When you understand the primal origins of your urge to compare, it helps you ease up on yourself. You can retrain your brain to focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses. This is harder than you expect, alas, because your brain evolved to avoid conflict with stronger individuals.
2. Avoid lazy days to enjoy more endorphin
You may long for lazy days in the sun only to find that you don’t feel so great afterward. Your body is designed to move. Swimming is one of the best exercises there is. Don’t worry about looking good or quantifying your work-out. Just flopping around in the water stimulates endorphin because it activates muscles you don’t usually use. Laughing stimulates endorphin for the same reason, which is why volleyball is so appealing.
3. Avoid “end-of-summer-droop” to enjoy more dopamine
Anticipating something good releases the great feeling of dopamine. Summer plans feel exciting thanks to dopamine. But you can find yourself in a slump when the excitement is over, so it’s useful to plan something rewarding for the beginning of fall. Make it something different from your summer project because our brain saves its dopamine for new rewards. The same-old thing doesn’t make you feel good, but steps in a new direction get your dopamine flowing.
4. Avoid the “fling” focus to enjoy more oxytocin
A summer fling feels good because your oxytocin surges, but you end up feeling bad when the surge is over. You can enjoy a steady stream of oxytocin instead of peaks and valleys when you know how this chemical works. Oxytocin is stimulated by social trust. Trust and touch go together in the state of nature because any critter close enough to touch you is close enough to hurt you. Each time you enjoy reciprocal trust, neurons connect that help turn on your oxytocin in similar future circumstances. So focus on building trust and your mammal brain will reward you with a nice safe feeling.
Let the sun shine in
We need sun to produce Vitamin D, and we need Vitamin D to produce all the happy chemicals. Our eyes need sun too, because they are the sensor that tells the rest of your body how much sun it’s getting. So protect yourself from the sun as necessary but don’t hide under a rock.
My book Habits of a Happy Brain explains how you can wire yourself for more happy chemicals.
- Dr. Loretta Breuning is the founder of InnerMammalInstitute.org and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain Your Brain to Boost Your Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Endorphin Levels
6 Signs Your Partner is Not Loving You Enough
You are “big-time lonely.” At night, when you put your head on the pillow, you are hurting inside. Lying in the darkness, you feel so alone.
No real time to connect. Little effort is made on his part to share special moments with you.
Your friends notice that you are not yourself. You seem mildly depressed and don’t seem enthusiastic about your daily life.
Small occasions go unremembered. Little things that mean so much to you are forgotten. Your FIRST (fill in the blank)….
His attention goes to others. It’s so easy to get lost in other people, kids, other family members, friends. Doesn’t notice your new outfit, doesn’t make an effort to find out about your day….etc.
You are looking for something else to fill your emptiness. Other men seem unusually attractive. It feels extra good when someone gives you a second glance as you walk buy. You are eating way too much and/or overshopping.
5 Things Strong Women Will Not Tolerate, EVER
We all have those people in our lives who don’t feel great about themselves, and as a result, sometimes behave in ways that are hurtful to us. Strong women have a compassionate heart and we overlook their shortcomings because we know it’s about them, not us. But when does it become something that we absolutely won’t tolerate? Take a look.
When those things happen, strong women find the courage to face their fears about being alone and know it’s time to move on. Sometimes, the old, even if it is abusive behavior, seems “safe” but it isn’t. Yes, moving forward is uncomfortable but we don’t have to do it alone. There are support groups, caring friends, and therapist that can help lead the way.
4 Signs that you are Running on Empty
We women are always stretched. With family, work, and other commitments, there is often little time to replenish. Here are the signs when too much is JUST TOO MUCH!
1. Always irritable. You are angry much of the time, and have a short fuse. Your anger seems out of proportion to what is really going on.
2. Pointing the finger. You can’t seem to admit to your part in the conflict. It’s easier to blame the other person.
3. Feeling like you will flip out if one more thing is asked of you.
4. On the verge of tears. You feel overly emotional, and start crying at ridiculous things.
Ladies…if you have identified with these things, time to do some radical self-care. You say, “I have no time…” well, find some. Treat yourself like you would a loved one who was spent and needed to be pampered.
5 Signs You Are Being Disrespected
It’s the worst thing to feel discounted, knowing that someone doesn’t see your worth. Sometimes, rather than feel the pain of what’s going on, we deny what is happening. How can we clearly know when someone is not appreciating you? Heed these signs.
If you encounter this, time to change your approach. Because whatever you are doing isn’t really working, right? A coach or therapist can be useful and you can role-play different ways of handling their behavior. But most importantly, do a written inventory so you get clear at what YOU bring to the table, whether it is a work relationship or friends. YOU COUNT and what you say matters.
May 5, 2016
Kiss Insomnia Goodbye with these 5 Magic Bullet Strategies for Sleep
You know you should get 8 hours of sleep a night. And you tell yourself you should be more confident.
But did you know that your sleep and your confidence are related? It makes sense:
- When exhausted, you’re more likely to react negatively to situations, take things personally, and blame others.
- Some self-criticism comes from the part of your brain that keeps you ‘always on’ – if you don’t know how to rest deeply, you can’t access the part of your brain that achieves calm and perspective.
- The more you show up as the confident person you want to be the less you will worry and rehash situations in the middle of the night.
Here are 5 strategies from my book Success under Stress that will quiet your mind and help you sleep well through the night – so you can wake up rested and show up with strength throughout your day.
1. Do Left nostril breathing
Cover your right nostril and breathe exclusively through your left nostril. It activates the vagal nerve, the main nerve of your relaxation system.
If insomnia isn’t your problem, but it is for the other person sleeping in your bed, this will work for them too! When you feel them rustling around sleepless, roll over and cover their right nostril for them (you might want to let them know ahead of time you’ll be doing this!) This one is the magic bullet you’ve been waiting for! Try it and let me know it worked for you…
2. Take a pre-sleep foot bath
Take a warm foot bath with natural sea salts (or put in some lavender oil). It will help to drain the worries from your head and detoxify your body. Allow in peace of mind to prepare yourself for a good night sleep.
3. Tap your inner pharmacy
Did you know you can fill your body with needed supplements just by going within? Even simple deep breathing before bed releases your body’s own anti-anxiety drug, a neurotransmitter called GABA (short for gamma-aminobutyric acid).
4. Get your magnesium miracle
Anyone with high stress will use up their levels of a master mineral called magnesium. That could cause you insomnia or anxiety throughout the day. There’s an easy fix – refill your levels of magnesium daily (I put a tablespoon of magnesium powder in hot water before bed, but you could also get it from a capsule or a spray).
5. Empty your head
It’s hard to sleep when your brain is still churning about the demands of the day and how much more you have to do tomorrow. Your mind will continue to hold onto your list of ‘to do’ items in an effort to not forget them. So give your mind a way to find peace: Empty your head by writing down all the things you want to remember either in an ongoing ‘to do’ list or in a journal by your bedside.
If you are worried about a problem, then gather all of the facts and write them down in a single place (already your mind will feel more organized). Then ask yourself a focused question about how to resolve the problem. Close your journal or electronic device and picture that problem being moved to the back of your mind where you will allow your unconscious mind to work on it for you while you sleep. When you wake up you will often have some insights you couldn’t have gotten if you had tried hard to think it through all night.
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep
How to Stop Second-Guessing Yourself
A Second-Guesser is someone who decides to make a move, has done all her homework, but then gets cold feet. As she takes a step forward, she may take two steps backward. If you’ve done this before, you that this type of behavior can drive you crazy.
Strategies for overcoming second-guessing:
• Don’t look back. If you get cold feet, reaffirm your goal as a Best Bet and move on.
• Understand that life is full of choices. They can be as complex as moving across the country, or as simple as taking a different route to work one morning. If we spent time debating these decisions individually, we’d never move at all. Put yourself in the hands of fate, knowing that you have the ability to learn a brilliant lesson, no matter what the result.
Taken from Smart Women Take Risks: 6 Steps for Conquering Your Fears and Making the Leap to Success by Helene Lerner
5 Ways Of Loosening The Grip Of Awful Exes
Most of us have had past relationships which seem to hang on, and on, and on…and on. Although we’ve broken up, and said goodbye, there are still their ghosts in our closets. Whether we’ve broken up with them, or they’ve broken up with us, there’s something still incomplete. How do we finish it up so they stop haunting us?
Get clear
When they contact you, whether it’s in person, on the phone, via text, or on social media, don’t encourage them. In fact, if you’re angry and you don’t want it to persist, either ignore them or state what’s true for you in short, clear sentences.
Look inside
Is there something you’ve left unspoken that needs to be said? Don’t expect yourself not to feel hurt or angry. If you were close at one time, you’ll probably feel the pang. But, there’s a reason it ended, and call that to mind when they pop in your head or try to connect with you.
Know you deserve better
Since the relationship, you’ve grown. Own that. Take the good from your connection with that person and own where you are now. How have you changed as a result of the challenges you faced in that relationship? Give yourself credit.
Let go of resentment
It’s normal to feel resentful for a while, but there comes a time when you need to stop churning on the anger. It’s a killer, and will stop you from moving on and creating something better for yourself.
Get busy in life
Don’t leave a lot of room to obsess over the past. It’s easier sometimes to sit back and regret rather than to face the fear of the unknown and move out of your comfort zone. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Focus on your career, spend time with friends, or try a new hobby, and soon you won’t even have time to think about your awful ex.
6 Signs You Are Ready to Go From Manager to Leader
I was recently asked to coach a group of managers who were being considered for leadership roles in their organization.
When I was hired, I was told that although they had been outstanding as managers, they needed to learn what it meant to be effective leaders as opposed to good managers.
In my individual meetings with them, they all asked the same question: "When will I know I’m ready?” I shared the following six signs or indicators.
When you stop being a task master and start to be a coach of your team
There’s nothing wrong with a manager making sure that specific work is done on time and done well. However, you’ll be more ready for leadership when members of your team know what they need to accomplish, they are empowered by you to be creative and find the best ways to get results. As long as you are monitoring every action and controlling how they do their job, you don’t have the mental energy or time to coach them to develop their strengths. You’re also increasing your workload and working small.
When you have a vision for how you want to lead and how your leadership skills and behaviors add value to the organization
This means that you are able to look at a bigger picture, take risks, and leverage your strengths towards achieving the mission of the whole organization and not just your team or function.
When people seek you out for your insight beyond the scope of your work
People are often told to dress for the position they want; however in this scenario, other people recognize your accomplishments and seeing you “wearing the position of leader.” People at higher levels see you as a thought partner, so they ask your advice and want your feedback. This means that you’ve been able to develop and implement a strategy to be seen and heard as an expert in other people’s eyes. They’re not waiting for you to have the formal title; they’re already seeing you as a leader. You just need to say “yes.”
You recognize and clearly articulate the value you add for your team and how it impacts the organization
You know what will be different for the enterprise in the next role. I’ve had clients who are working so hard to get promoted, that they forget why they are being promoted and that with their new role comes the responsibility of moving the organization forward. It’s not just about you, but also about how you impact innovation, productivity and profit.
When you see yourself in a leadership role, and act like a peer to senior leaders at the highest levels
This is hard for some people in that they have to revamp their mindset from defining themselves as a manager who wants to be help the team and get recognized by people more senior, but to have the mindset that they no longer have to “try-out,” or impress. Your interactions with senior people are as equals and you are comfortable giving feedback, sharing ideas and even pushing back when appropriate.
When you ask for the promotion and can tell your boss clearly, concisely, and with confidence why you are ready.
You don’t need to have all of these perfect. If you try too hard to be perfect, you’re overthinking and can miss your opportunity. When you see 60% of these signs in yourself, it means that you have the skills, insight and outlook to achieve 100% once you are in a leadership position. Be ready to stretch, take risks, and not be afraid of failing, as long as you’re learning.
- Simma Lieberman, "The Inclusionist"
Diversity and Inclusion Strategy Coach
www.simmalieberman.com
May 4, 2016
7 Quotes to Help You Find Strength When You Feel Like Giving Up
What makes a strong woman? How can you find your inner strength even when you feel like giving up? Here are a few reminders from remarkable women.
1. “Being strong means rejoicing in who you are, complete with imperfections.”
– Margaret Woodhouse
2. “Strong women…negotiate all the demands that are made on them and that they make on themselves without being too selfish or too selfless.”
– Monica Morris
3. “The strongest women I know are those who are aware of their priorities and stick with them. Life is too short for us to spend time on people and things that don’t really matter.”
– Ellen Griffith
4. “Being a strong woman means swimming against the tide and surviving to tell the tale.”
– Philomena Robertson
5. “A strong woman is firm, fair, forthright, and friendly with large helpings of persistence, vision, and dedication to a cause larger than she is.”
– Jeannie Nix
6. “Everyone has strengths, but the issue is greatness. Greatness happens when your strengths are leveraged to the max.”
– Meryl Moritz
7. “Strong women cry at injustice, rise above it, and challenge the status quo. A strong woman is still a feminist, forever a humanist, and will only push herself hard when told, ‘It will never happen.’”
– Lauren Curatolo
Adapted from What Makes a Strong Woman by Helene Lerner
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